Summary: Greg always had feelings for Sara but she would not give him the time of day. He's gonna lay it all out on the line tonight...
As I do with most songfics, I listen to the song and take that into my own perspective so it might not be lyric for lyric. (Greg's POV) (One Shot) (Takes place before Sara left, possible spoilers)
Disclaimer: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation is © Anthony E Zuiker/CBS. I do not own anything.
There she was again; standing at his door with that soft smile on her face as she waves goodbye to him for the night. I stand a good distance down the hall with my arms crossed as I take in the sight I've seen countless times before. Call it jealousy. Call it envy. It all feels the same. Regardless, I just had to tell her what was on my mind or else I'll explode. Don't want that happening at an inappropriate time. I was off my shift now and so was she. Perfect timing, if I say so myself.
I finally get the courage to walk up to her. She was on her was towards the locker room to get changed and collect her belongings. This room will have to do, I suppose. There's nowhere else to talk privately right now, since there were many dayshift bodies walking around the hallways. I pass by them as I close in on my target, stopping her on her way inside the room.
"Hey Greg," she greets me. God, how I love that smile when I get to see that gap between her front teeth. Greg, stay focused.
"Hey Sara," I greet back as I indicate the locker room. "Can I talk to you privately?"
"Uh, sure," she said, her smile faltering from hearing the seriousness in my voice. I guess I gave a little too much away. I let her walk ahead of me into the locker room and I follow, closing the door behind me.
"What's up?" she asks, concern showing on her face. Why did she look at me like that? Now I was fumbling for words, to find the ones to say. I sighed as I sat on the bench next to her, shuddering a little at the brushing of the skin between us. I turn to face her.
"Uh, Sara, would you like to come to my place to just hang out?" I ask. Smooth move. Maybe she'll agree and maybe we can get some things straightened out.
"Sorry Greg. I need to get some sleep, I can't even remember the last time I slept," she confessed. Yeah sure, I know you're trying to get out of this one. But I'm not giving up without a fight.
"Please?" I pleaded. Great, now I was begging. This was getting a little pathetic. Sara cocked her eyebrow at me; I could tell she was examining my face to see what was really going on. I'm sure that she thought I was asking her out yet again but I think she could tell it was more than that as her face softened a little.
"Are you okay?" she asked. No, I wasn't but I'm not telling you that.
"Yeah, I just need to talk to you and I thought that maybe we could do it at my place," I said then added. "Or yours, whichever you prefer."
"How about we talk over breakfast? I'm starved," she asked me as she pulled her light jacket on herself. I could smell that Sidle scent emanating from her jacket and it made me shudder a little. Calm down, Sanders. I glance around the room at the many familiar lockers and sigh a little. What I needed to talk to her about was probably not suitable in a public place in case yelling was involved. I know Sara to be a little ticking time bomb on certain things. Maybe later that day we will talk. For now, I wanted to accept the offer for a meal and to just enjoy each other's company.
"Sounds good," I plainly say to her. We both changed into more comfortable clothing and head out together into the car. There was always a diner that we went to all the time on and off of work since it was just a usual spot for us. I think my coworkers and I questioned why we went there but never came to an answer.
We only engaged in a general conversation. I was planning on doing more begging, er, more convincing to see if she would finally agree to talk to me at my apartment.
After breakfast, Sara finally agreed. Sara hasn't been to my habitat, despite what Sofia once said in the past about who hasn't been to my apartment when she came over once. Oh how I wish that were true.
I unlocked the door and let her walk ahead of me, though she seemed a little hesitant at first. Luckily, I had cleaned the apartment beforehand. I made sure it was spotless just in case she agreed to visit my place. I knew she was trying to see if there were clothes on the ground that might swallow her up or something, I don't know.
Sara took off her jacket from feeling the warmth inside the place. I offered to take her jacket from her like a gentleman and hung it in the rack beside the door and my jacket soon joined hers.
She walked towards the couch and sat down on it as if it was her own house and her legs on the table soon followed. I smirked at her actions, I swear earlier she was protesting on coming to my humble abode and here she is making herself quite comfortable. Sara saw me staring at her and noticed the smile planted on my face so she quickly removed her feet from where they were presently placed.
"Oh no, make yourself comfortable," I reassured her. She replaced them, I could tell that she was trying to hide the embarrassed look on her face.
"Your place is really nice," she commented, glancing around the room. "This is actually better than mine." You're just trying to hide your embarrassment, but thanks.
"You're always welcome to move in whenever you want," I joked as I headed to the kitchen, secretly wishing she would automatically take up on the offer right here and now. I heard her laugh at that. Damn… well I was hoping.
"Nice try," she told me. You're right.
"You want some coffee, tea, soda, water, hard liquor?" I asked, grinning slightly at the last recommendation I offered to her. I heard her chuckle a little.
"If you have some tea, that sounds nice right about now," she confessed. Sara probably had an IV of coffee at work, time to wean her off of it.
"I got some really good herbal tea," I told her. I had bought some berry tea a few days ago, hoping she'd like it as much as I did. I'm usually into my Blue Hawaiian coffee but I walk on the wild side once in a while.
I started to brew the tea in my coffeemaker since it makes tea so much faster, already smelling the sweet spice in the air. I reached for two mugs out of my cabinet, placing them on the counter as they awaited their arrival of the hot aromatic brew. The coffeemaker bubbled as a sign that it was done and I poured the tea into the mugs, an equal amount in both. I brought some sweeteners out to place on the coffee table as I set hers and mine down on it. I glanced up at her and decided to start this uncomfortable discussion.
"So, you and Grissom, huh?" I ask. Wow, real smooth there Greggo.
"What do you mean?" she asked, raising her eyebrow at me. I sat myself down in the chair that was on the side of the couch. After asking that, I wasn't sure I should sit directly next to her.
"Oh come on Sara, it's like an elephant walking through the labs; it's obvious," I told her. Sara snorted at that.
"'An elephant walking through the labs?'" she repeated amused. Stupid I know, but it made her smile.
"You know what I mean," I said exasperated, taking a sip of the hot tea.
"So why is this a big deal? As a friend, I thought you'd be happy for me," she told me. Let me get this straight: I'm supposed to rip my beating heart out of my chest, throw it on the floor, and stomp on it?
"Sara, I am your friend," I stressed to her. Ouch, that hurt a little more than I wanted it to; how I wanted to add "boy" in front of "friend". "And the only thing I want is for you to be happy."
"I am happy," she told me. I studied her face to see if she was lying. She stared back at me as if she was trying to prove to me that she was truthful.
"Are you sure?" I asked her anyway.
"What do you think?"
"If you have to ask, then you're not sure," I acknowledged her questioning. She took a spoon and stirred her tea, then placing the spoon back on the table so she could take a sip of her beverage. Taking our time, aren't we?
"Okay, suppose you're right, maybe I'm not truly happy, what has this got to do with you?"
"Nothing in particular, just the hypothetical question: would you be happy with me?" I ask, looking down at the carpet afraid of what her expression was going to be at that. I heard her sigh loudly. That doesn't sound good.
"Greg, I thought we had an understanding about this," she told me.
"You know that I've always been attracted to you. You're not that blind, are you?" I ask her.
"Of course I'm not blind, Greg, I know you had a thing for me, so did the other guys at the lab, you weren't the only one," she told me. "Is it policy to date every single one of them while trying to maintain my job?" she asked me. No, just me.
"You wouldn't even give me a chance," I confessed to her. Well, maybe she did but too late now.
"Every time I accepted to have lunch with you something would always come up, you know that, and even now since you're a CSI," she explained.
"You certainly have time for Grissom," I muttered.
"Greg, if we're just going to fight about this, I think I'll be on my way home," she said, getting up and heading for the front door. I sighed, almost wanting to give up. Maybe I should tell her how I felt now, might as well since she seemed to not understand my true feelings for her. I felt the anger fade and now sadness replaced it.
As she grabbed the fabric of her jacket, about to pull it off of the rack it was hanging from, I looked up at her. She didn't seem to want to pull it off quickly like I thought she would, almost like she was being dramatic and waiting to see if I would stop her. Typical. Fine, I'll play that game.
"Do you know the real reason why I became a CSI?" I asked, hoping she'd come back to hear the real story.
"Because you were bored of the lab, I know," she said. Oh yeah, you know everything don't you, Sara? I shook my head at her.
"No, the real reason," I stressed to her.
Sara stared at me, knitting her eyebrows at me. I could see she was curious now, waiting to hear what I had to say.
"Why, Greg?" she asked, probably trying to make me continue. She dropped her idea of leaving and came back to the couch, sitting near me and turning in my direction. I dejectedly looked at her, seeing the glisten in her eyes.
"Do you know why I went through all the hardship of passing the tests, being humiliated and looked down upon? All of it… was so I could be closer to you," I confessed. She seemed quiet so I continued.
"And I was so happy that you were going to be supervising me on my work, sure it was a little intimidating, but I wanted to make sure I didn't screw up so you could see the potential in me," I said. "Hoping you'd see that I still have feelings for you."
"I'm sorry Greg, I didn't know," she told me. I smell some hope maybe. But then I saw the change in her eyes and knew it wasn't good. "But my heart is with someone else."
Thank you for not saying that man's name right now. I turned my head away as my lips formed a tight thin line. I almost shook my head at that but I stopped it. I silently sighed and turned my head back towards her, my eyes looking into hers.
"Can you at least be honest with me? Why we couldn't work?" I asked her straight out. I think she was taken aback by that. I don't care right now, I needed to know.
"Greg, I love you as a friend," she started out. "I just don't see us together that way. You're like a brother to me and I couldn't ask for a better friend. Grissom and I, I've always had my heart set on him for years and I think we work. You understand, right?"
"The only thing I understand is that all the years I have tried to get you to take one more glance at me, is an uphill climb that I have fallen from time and time again. I feel like… like I'm losing," I told her, then thought of a better phrasing. "No, I feel like a winner at a losing game."
"Oh, Greg, don't say that," she said. Is that pity I'm hearing? Please… save it. You already told me how you really feel about me. Even to this day, you're still not giving me a chance. I'm giving up. This is it. This is what I needed to know and hear.
"You should be going, you need your rest," I said to her, standing up from the couch and heading towards the front door. Sara sat there for another moment and then followed suit as well. I guess she had nothing more to say to me either. I helped her with her jacket and opened the door so she could exit my place towards her car.
We stood in front of the driver's side door of her car as she stuck her hands in her jacket pockets, trying to think of something to say to me. I didn't know what to say to her either. Maybe it was better not to say anything and just act like our usual selves when we get back to work. I stuck my hands in my pockets as well to give my hands something to do and I turned around to head back to my apartment. I might as well get some sleep too since my eyes were pretty heavy from lack of it.
I felt a hand wrap around my arm and tug me to stop. My head turned behind me and saw Sara had stopped me. She wrapped her arms around my torso as she gave me a hug goodbye and I returned it, but I noticed that she didn't let go right away. She hung onto me, placing her right hand behind my neck, feeling the baby hairs with her fingers. I closed my eyes, reveling in the moment. I felt a chill run up my spine as the sharp wind blew but I knew that wasn't the only reason why I shuddered slightly. The only thing I wanted right now was for her to never let me go. I wanted to smell the Sidle scent that I've always known and loved, to be able to whisper in her ear the things I want to tell her, to be able to hold her in my arms; I could live this way for the rest of my life.
I waited for her to let go of me, for I was sure as hell not going to let go of her first. I loosened my grip around her as she backed up far enough to look into my eyes. I gazed into her glistening eyes and felt my heart flutter even if just for a bit. I didn't even notice that she still had her hand in the crick of my neck until she used it to bring me closer to her. It was like a dream. What is she doing? Oh, who cares? Better question: why didn't she do this 8 years ago?
I saw her face lean towards me, her lips inching closer to mine. I made sure my eyes were open, to make sure this was real. Her lips made contact with mine, hesitant at first, but I received them gently, even though I hungrily wanted this. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms tighter around her small frame as she ran her hand through my hair. Our tongues met for the first time as they danced slowly. It felt as if time stopped just so this moment could last.
But good things must come to an end, as soon as it started it seemed like it ended. She pulled away and looked at me as if she regretted this. Oh please don't look at me like that, you did this for me and it was all I could ask for. I know you did this to let me know my heart shouldn't hurt so bad; but only you could comfort it, and you succeeded.
"That was for goodbye, Greg," she clarified, her facial expression changing into a serious one. She didn't need to tell me that, I figured it out a long time ago.
"I know," I told her, nodding my head. I loved the fact that I could still feel the tingle on my lips.
"See you at work?" she asked.
"With bells on," I said. She snorted.
"Christmas is a little early, Greggo," she sarcastically said.
"Ah, right," I said, acting like I had forgotten. I still loved seeing that smile on her face as she laughed at me.
She opened the door of her car and hopped in as I closed the door for her. I stood back a few feet as she started the car. I waved to her as she started off on her way home. I felt myself smile a true smile that hasn't appeared on my face in a while before I headed off to my apartment.
There she was; standing at his door with that soft smile on her face as she waves goodbye to him for the night. I stand a good distance down the hall with my arms crossed as I take in the sight I've seen countless times before. Call it acceptance. Call it forgiveness. It all feels the same. I will always have a spot for that woman, but for now, I'm content. I will give her what she wants, even if that means not being with me.
Winner At A Losing Game
Written by: Gary LeVox, Jay DeMarcus,
and Joe Don Rooney
Sung by: Rascal Flatts
Baby, look here at me CHORUS I know that baby, you tried Repeat Chorus I know that I'll never be the man that you need or love Repeat Chorus Oh, oh, if love is really forever
Have you ever seen me this way
I've been fumblin' for words
Through the tears and the hurt and the
pain
I'm gonna lay it all out
On the line tonight
And I think that it's time
To tell this uphill fight goodbye
Have ever had to love someone
That just don't feel the same
Tryin' to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin' to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I'm a winner at a losin' game
To find me somewhere inside of you
But you know you can't lie
Girl, you can't hide the truth
Sometimes two hearts
Just can't dance to the same beat
So I'll pack up my things
And I'll take what remains of me
Yeah, baby it's killin' me to stand here and see
I'm not what you've been dreamin' of
I'm a winner at a losin' game
Ooo, I'm tired of losing
Oh, oh, oh-