A/N: Lyrics appear in boldtype
Goodbye To Love
It was a gloomy Friday. Although it was, technically, Spring, there was still a chill in the air and the fine, misty drizzle that dampened the day –and his spirits–continued into the night. Bobby was stretched out on his sofa with only the subtle amber glow from the kitchen nightlight filtering in and illuminating his living room.
It had been his first full week back from his suspension. He was happy to be back at work because it occupied his days but, still, there was nothing, or no one, he corrected himself in thought, to occupy his nights.
When six o'clock came, he mustered up enough false enthusiasm to wish Alex a nice evening and a good weekend. As he watched her walk to the elevator, he dropped the facade. Yeah, have a nice dinner with…what's his name, Bobby muttered to himself.
It had been a rough road,this past year had. He was still coming to terms with his mother's death, his parentage—Goren or Brady—and the hostility he felt towards his brother. Some days he regretted his words, when he told Frank that he'd 'wait for the splash' and on other days he felt totally justified in his abandonment of his older brother. I guess I have good days and bad days, he thought. He chuckled at the irony. That's how I used to describe my mother – good days and bad days.
After seeing the Department shrink, he felt like he was confronting and dealing with some of his issues. He felt more in-tune to his feelings –not so disassociated from society. But still, the thing that nagged at him was the loneliness. He remembered telling John Tagman, "I guess you don't ever get used to it."
It was when he was in somber, reflective moods like this that he played one of his favorite records. Of course, he had the same album on CD, but it lacked the richness and warmth of the vinyl version. He laid there in the semi-darkness just listening and thinking as the next track began.
I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love
has passed me by
And all I know of love
is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it.
He thought about his past relationships…Lola, Irene, Denise, and a dozen others whose names and faces were now just a blur.
So I've made my mind up I must live
my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to love.
There are no tomorrows for
this heart of mine
Surely time will lose
these bitter memories
and I'll find that there is
someone to believe in
And to live for something
I could live for.
Sure, I lived for my mom all those years…taking care of her when Dad left and Frank was off on his binges. I live for my job. Thank God I passed the evaluation at Psych Services and got cleared for duty. Shit. What would I do without my job?
All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my
only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can.
Bobby shook off the memory of Tagman's face; the loneliness and fright. Looking back at how easily he related to the man unnerved him. I'm not gonna end up like that.
What lies in the future
is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune
as it falls
I wonder what I'll be doing five, or ten years from now. Will I still be alone? Hell, will I still be alive?
There may come a time
when I will see that
I've been wrong
But for now this is my song.
And it's goodbye to love
I'll say goodbye to love.
As the song ended and segued into the next, Bobby stretched and let out a deep sigh. "Well, that was depressing," he said aloud to no one but himself. He got up and headed for the fridge, planning to grab a soda. Just as he reached for the handle, his doorbell rang, startling him.
Taking only a split second to look through the peephole, he glanced at the clock on his microwave. 8:45? And swung open the door.
"Hello!" he said, smiling.
"I'm not the delivery boy," Alex snidely quipped. "Can I come in?"
Bobby chuckled softly –one of those breathy laughs of his that she loved hearing.
There've been too few of those lately, she thought.
He stepped aside and took the pizza box from her hands with a questioning look. "What happened to your night out with --what's his name?"
"Steven," she answered, as she went to kitchen and set down the bottle of wine on the counter.
Bobby put on his best 'game face' of concern and disappointment on her behalf, while inside his heart was pounding. "Another married liar?" he ventured to ask.
"No," Alex replied, glancing over her should as she went into the cupboard for the wine glasses.
It didn't escape Bobby's observation how well she knew her way around his kitchen, even in the dimness.
"He's actually a nice guy –but, I'd just rather be here, if you don't mind." She opened the drawer and retrieved the corkscrew.
"I don't mind," Bobby answered a little to quickly.
"Carpenter's huh?" Alex smiled at the background music.
"She's got a beautiful voice," Bobby said.
"Mmmm, she does" Alex agreed as she got out plates for their pizza. She served two slices on each plate, handed Bobby his, along with his glass of wine, and then headed for the couch.
"Should I --?" Bobby was interrupted as he was about to ask if he should turn on the light on the end table.
"I like it cozy," Alex said, already chewing.
He watched her in the soft light. How do her eyes twinkle so much in the dark? He asked himself.
She watched from the corner of her eye and when Bobby reached for his wineglass she reached for her own and turned to face him, holding her glass out to cheer a toast.
"To us," she smiled, lightly tapping her glass against his.
Bobby merely smiled and nodded his head slightly. Not that he didn't share in the
sentiment –she'd just left him speechless.
They drank.
He flashed her a big smile. Hello to love.
Fin.
Musical Credits:
The Carpenter's
Goodbye To Love (1972)