Chapter 1(?)

It occurred to Drakken that he really needed to put two doors in every room in one of his lairs. That way, when he heard sounds like the ones he was hearing approaching one door, he'd have an escape route. As it was, he turned off the lights and hid behind his workbench in mortal terror. There were sounds of things falling, of things breaking, of people hitting the floor. Intertwined throughout was Shego snarling his name over and over again. And the sounds were coming closer.

"Mommy," he whimpered.

The door burst open, revealing the silhouette of a woman. "DRAK - "

The door then bounced off the wall, swung back, and hit the woman in the face, obscuring her from view.

"Shego?" he asked hesitantly. "Are you all - "

This time the door came off its hinges. Then the lights came back on. "NO! NO, I AM NOT FUCKING ALL RIGHT!"

Drakken's eye twitched uncontrollably. It was obviously Shego, but - what had she done to herself?

First of all, the pattern on her catsuit had changed. A series of broad alternating green and black stripes, running diagonally from southwest to northeast, ran up and down her outfit. She was also wearing massive shoes, one green, one black. Her lustrous wavy black hair now looked more like an Afro. Shego also looked whiter than usual, if that was possible, and on her face . . .

"Shego, why are you wearing a clown nose?"

"I'm not wearing one!"

"Oh? Then what's that?!"

"Yes, it's a clown nose, but I'm not wearing it."

Now more mystified than frightened, Drakken approached the heavily breathing Shego. The overall look, he realized, was very clownish. Not something he'd ever expect to see Shego do. Shego HATED jokes at her expense. Gingerly he reached towards her face.

She clubbed him on the arm. "Ow!"

"It's real, okay? All of it. The hair is real, the skin color is real. I keep tripping over my enormous fucking feet, and I have a huge rubber ball for a nose. And if you squeeze it, it . . . it honks, okay?"

Drakken's lip twitched. "I see."

"Oh, you'd BETTER not find this funny, since this is all YOUR fault. Remember what you had me steal today?!"

"The - oh, dear. This could be a problem."

"COULD BE?!"

"Eep!"

"Fire in the hole!"

Shego held up her hands, but the familiar green glow was gone. In her right hand was a cream pie. In her left was a squirt bottle of seltzer water. Both were vaguely green. Neither had been there before, he was sure.

"Oh, that's just fucking - " She pointed the bottle at Drakken's face and pulled the trigger. Although she was sure it was pointing in the right direction, instead she got a jet of seltzer squirted into her eyes. "Aargh!"

Drakken couldn't help it. He chuckled.

Then he got a pie in the face.

"There's only one thing keeping me calm," Shego said as Drakken tried to wipe cream from his eyes.

Calm? CALM?

"And what would that be?"

"Kimmie in a baggy blue suit with big white polka dots and a red fright wig."

TBC??

A/N - Inspired by a KPSH challenge, since I'm relatively sure I would never have come up with this on my own. Not sure if I'll update it because, frankly, this is a really silly idea for a story. Which I suppose is fitting.