A few hours ago in a galaxy very very close...
James
Bond
Episode 2: KANG's revenge
Turmoil has engulfed the Earth
as the British secret service, MI6
plan how to destroy KANG
After Kane nearly destroyed the planet
Earth's mightiest heroes stopped him
Now they must contend with a new force
not even of this Earth.
But now, our heroes rest in a tropical resort
for, unbeknownst to them, but knownst to us,
danger lurks in the skies...
if you can read this, you don't need glasses...
CH 1: Introduction
Sardinia, tropical resort, Mediterranean sea.
It had been 1 year since the whole "nearly destroyed Earth" tidbit.
After the close encounters with Kane, our new Krew went on vacation to Sardinia, hoping M wouldn't find them. Natalia had gone back to America as the chief advisor of all Alien and Terrestrial affairs. So, the three there are James Bond, John Kail, and Jacque Ceusteau Palicide. As they lay there, soaking up sun and slowly getting skin cancer, they all pondered what had really happened to KANG. "Well, I say he burned up in the Atmosphere!" Chimed in Kail. "No, I think he died on impact of the Holy Savior!" Said Bond. As those two argued, Palicide just sat there staring at the sun, wondering if he really was dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
MI6 war room
~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the past 7 hours, M, Q, Robinson and Tanner had been watching erratic signals coming from Egypt. the satellite imagery they viewed seemed to look worse and worse. Strange radio and Micro waves had been coming from what appeared to be the pyramids. They had all been trying to figure it out, and even called the Egyptian Prime Minister(or whatever leader they have) Jim Bob II asking what was going on. He was as clueless as the rest of them were. Suddenly, a bright streak shot up, and then they lost satellite uplink entirely. M turned to the door with Tanner following her. "Get me Bond immediately!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(snobby british voice) "Two hours later."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bond and Kail decided to settle their dispute with a one-on-one volleyball game. Palicide played ref. As they played, a helicopter suddenly flew by and dropped a box to the Krew. they pressed play and listened." Good afternoon, 007, 005, 003." Kail perked up and said "Hi!" "Please don't answer, this is only a recording. "sorry-D'oh!" "recent changes in the immediate area around the pyramids in Egypt have been brought to our attention. Strange frequencies and waves have been coming from Egypt, we need the 'Krew' to fly down there in the 6 o'clock flight 468 at the Jonestown airport nearby your location. Please, don't drink anything while your on the plane. Upon your arrival, you'll be briefed by agent Smiley. This message will self destruct in-BOOM!" Palicide jumped back in surprise. Bond picked it up, they normally blow up bigger. He threw it, and turned around. Seconds later, a huge explosion was created by the box. They all sighed and did an Anime style sweat drop...
Ian Fleming's
James Bond 007 in:
KANG'S Revenge
Starring
Pierce Brosnan as James Bond
Captain Kail as John Kail
Palicide as Jacque Ceausteu Palicide
Smiley as Greg Smiley
KANG as himself
Jesus Christ as himself
God as himself
Natalie Portman as Pussy Galore Jr.
Judie Dench as 'M'
Desmond Llewelyn as 'Q'
John Cleese as 'R'
Lois Maxwell as Moneypenny
END OF CHAPTER 1...
CH 2: Enter Smiley
Jonestown International airport, Sardinia
Upon their arrival, the Krew claimed their tickets and dropped off their luggage. In the line for their plane, some "Haddie Christna" ambushed them with their dancing and singing and tiny tambourines. Palicide hated these beggars, he turned to them and said, "Get a job you bums!" The plane ride was pleasant, no problems what so ever. When they reached the Egyptian first International Airport, a strange man in a wheelchair was waving a sign.
"Bond, Kail, Palicide!" They shrugged and approached him. "Are you here to take us to agent Smiley?" Queried Palicide. The strange man nodded, and took them to a limo. Inside the vehicle, everyone stared blankly at the man, he just sat there doing a crossword puzzle. Finally, Bond broke the deafening silence. "who are you?" The man looked up, then went back to his crossword puzzle. Palicide wasn't bothering with what was going on around him. He had yet to tell his buddies that he and Natalia had set a date to get hitched. You can tell that Palicide was very distraught. He wasn't quite sure how to ask for 3 months off. Palicide was knocked out of his daydream by the cars breaks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In side the Hotel Sphinx
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the Krew got settled into their luxurious suite, the strange man revealed who he is. "I am Agent Greg Smiley." The Krew was totally shocked by this, as they had expected Smiley to be...less crippled. He saw that they were staring, and chuckled. "Let me guess, M didn't tell you I'm in a chair?
Don't worry about that..." He pressed a button on his wheelchair. The front of the arm rests dropped down, revealing twin rocket launchers. The two handles in the back for people to push spun around revealing .50 caliber machine guns. The wheels had spikes poke out for traveling over rough terrain. More guns and gizmos came out until he had an Arsenal rivaling the Israeli army. Bond's, Kail's, and Palicide's jaw dropped to the ground.
Smiley pushed another button, and the weapons put themselves away. Then Kail exclaimed. "Your that guy who was on 'People magazine' as the only crippled mercenary! Your James's hero!" The Bond smacked Kail in the back of the head, saying "dip shit!" They all gathered around the coffee table and sat down, Smiley began briefing them. "Listen, over by the pyramids, multiple signals have been coming from them. And recently, a huge energy wave shot out from them, destroying an English satellite and two of the American's. I have reason to believe that KANG-(multiple women a heard screaming)Bond looks around, but shrugs it off. "...is behind these signals.
I need your help to get to the pyramids and investigate!" Palicide slowly raised his hand. "Isn't KANG dead?" Smiley shook his head 'no'. The Krew decided they should check it out. Smiley, now an official member of the Krew, went with them. They went outside, awaiting them was a present from Q. a BMW 750iL. Q briefed them about its bells and whistles. Kail shouted "COOL!" and ran at the car. He jumped up and slid across the hood, then hit the hood ornament and fell off onto his face. Everyone except Kail muttered "dumbass..."
END OF CHAPTER 2!
CH 3: Egyptian Secrets...
Pyramids at Giza
The Krew had been driving from Cairo to Giza for an hour. Bond drove, Smiley rode Shotgun, Kail sat behind Bond and Palicide sat in the middle.
On the way, they passed the Sphinx, which looked different somehow.
After another 30 minutes, the air-conditioning conked out. They then experienced the worst possible heat wave ever! Kail eventually passed out from the heat, and slowly sunk onto Palicide. He, of course, wasn't very comfortable with this, so he pushed Kail over and hit his head on the pop-lock! "God DAMN IT! Jesus H. Christ! Sante Maria!" Kail continued to spit out foreign curse words until they reached the pyramids. It is a very shocking scene. The tops of the pyramids had folded down, and every 30 seconds, the short blue beam shot up to the sky! Kail finished his cursing with Navstrovthnia. The all exited the car, and watched for about 5 minutes. Smiley had an electric wheelchair, so he wheeled across the sand to the trunk of the car. He pulled out an overhead satellite image of the pyramids before and after the energy waves. He shat a brick. "g-Guys? Get over here!" The ran over, he showed them the 'before' image. The pyramids were randomly askewn throughout the picture. Then he showed them the second one. The pyramids were in a perfectly triangulated formation. far off in the distance of the picture, the Sphinx was facing the 3 pyramids. Then Palicide noticed something in-between the three pyramids, but couldn't tell with the photo.
"Guys, I think I've found something! Look, right between the pramids, there is something smaller in there, we should check it out!" They all said 'Okay...'
and walked over to the pyramids with Palicide. When the finally reached the middle, they didn't see anything. Palicide, looked around at everything. Palicide turned to Smiley. "When was that "after" picture taken?" He answered frankly. "right before the huge blast came up." Then Palicide asked. "how long has this been going on, and when did the first blast come up?"
Smiley thought for a moment, then said. "Since 3 o'clock this morning, and the first blast came at 10... but why do you ask?" Palicide glanced at his Swatch, it read 4:58 and 55 seconds. "Because I think that-" He was cut off abruptly by a loud groaning noise. He glanced at his watch again, 4:59 and 5 seconds. Then the tops of the pyramids folded back up, and began to glow blue and spin faster and faster. (20 seconds) in the center, a large black square obelisk emerged from the sand, the tip beginning to glow red. (40 seconds) Palicide's eyes widened, he turned to the group and yelled "RUNNNN!!!!!" They all began running as fast as they could to get out of the Pyramids circle. (51 seconds.) They at the pyramid and ran past it. Then the glowing from the tips of the three Pyramids peeked out, and shot towards the obelisk. Then it all stopped. The Krew stopped running and turned around. The pyramids tops had stopped glowing and spinning. The energy had been shot into the obelisk. (55 seconds) then, it shone brightly, and made a loud ear piercing hum. (59 seconds) Palicide and the Krew ran as fast as they could towards the BMW. Then the Obelisk fired off at the sky, and a huge explosion ensued from the tremendous force of the beam. It shot out past the pyramids, going faster and faster and getting close to the krew. Then they all dived behind the BMW
and the explosion hit it with incredible power, and rocketed on forwards.
~~~~~~~
MI6
~~~~~~~
They had been watching satellite imagery of the whole thing. The beam shot past the satellite. They saw the huge explosion spiral out from Giza, it must have gone on 50 miles in every direction. They tried to contact Bond, but his radio wasn't working. M walked into her office, and began to cry.
END OF CHAPTER 3...
CH 4: It Can't Be!
somewhere near the pyramids, Egypt
the BMW, once proud and shiny, is in three different places at the same time.
Bond and Palicide are trapped underneath a door and tire. Kail lay on the ground, unconscious, and Smiley was nowhere to be found. The first to stir was Bond, who at first thought it was all a dream. Then he felt the searing pain in his arm, and realized it must be broken. He looked over at Palicide. He had a gash over his left(Bond's left) eyebrow. Blood slowly trickled out. Bond tried to push the door off with one arm, but couldn't budge it. He shook Palicide. "WAKE UP!" He abruptly stirred and looked around. Then he cried out. "I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! AAAHHHH!!!" Bond slapped him. "for Christ's sake, pull yourself together man!" Palicide looked down. "Bond, I think my legs are broken!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
HEAVEN
~~~~~~~~~~~
Jesus had been watching the scene with great sorrow, wishing he could help.
"dad, can't I at least wake up Kail?" God turned to him. "No, son..." Then Jesus said. "But Dad! They need-" Then God said. "Zip it!" "But dad-" "ZIP IT!" "dad, this is-!" "when a problem comes along, you must ZIP IT!"
Jesus walked away, grumbling.
~~~~~~~
Egypt
~~~~~~~
Palicide and Bond the little bit of energy they had left to push the car door of them. When they did, Palicide saw that his legs had been severely....yucked up. "EEEEKKKK!!!!" Then he passed out. "piss..." said Bond. He staggered over to Kail. "At least let him be able to walk..." Bond flipped Kail over. His face has a nasty gash across the right(Kail's right) cheek. He shook Kail. The response was. "mommy please, make him go away..." Bond rolled his eyes, sighed, then slapped Kail across the face. "WAH! THE MOLE PEOPLE ARE-" He looked at Bond. Who was smirking broadly. "....Don't say it!"
Bond ignored him and said. "Can you walk?" Kail stood up, wobbly. "yeah, but..." Kail Then dropped to the ground. "AARRGGHHH!!! MY LEG!!!!!!"
Bond decide Kail was also immobilized.
~~~~~~~~~~
elsewhere
~~~~~~~~~~
Smiley's wheelchair had been turned over, and he lay 10 feet away from it. He got up on his hands, and dragged himself over to it. He climbed up, and began wheeling towards the Sphinx, which he had landed next to. He finally realized what was so odd about it. The nose was re-attached. Smiley glared at this for a long time. Then he saw a door appear in the area between the paws.
He wheeled into it. It sealed shut behind him. Inside the Sphinx was incredible. It was like a star wars movie. The entire structure was one big command center. And on a platform on the top, he saw, non other than, KANG!!!! (multiple women heard screaming) Smiley looked up, then ducked behind a column. He wasn't prepared for this. He pulled out his wristwatch com-link. He desperately tried to contact the others.
~~~~~~~~
the others
~~~~~~~~
Bond had brought them all together. They all planned what to do next. While they discussed, a weak signal came in on Kail's wristwatch. It was Smiley.
"ZZTT...guys?....Are you there? CRACKLE...." Kail responded. "Smiley? Is that you? Where are you?" The watch spoke again. "I'm inside the Sphinx. It's the main headquarters for........KANG! (multiple women heard screaming)
Kail looked up. 'Where the hell does that come from?' he thought. "Smiley, how did you end up at the sphinx?" Before he could answer. They heard a voice, KANG's voice, saying. "Get him!" Then they heard a quiet whooshing sound, and then it fell quiet. Then Bond said. "now what do we do?"
Suddenly, there was a bright flash, and heavenly singing....
END OF CHAPTER 4!!!!!
CH 5: Thank You God?
Somewhere near the pyramids, Egypt
The Krew starred in awe as a heavenly deity emerged from the blinding white light. Angles sang gracefully, "Heaven....must be missin' an angel, Heaven is a dream...." Then, they saw Jesus. They all gasped. "God?" Said Kail.
The heavenly deity said. "Nah, I'm just Jesus. Dad's up there throwin' a fit. going 'where the hell are you going? I knew Satan was a bad influence!'
I told him we just play chess, but oh well...I came to help you." Then Jesus placed his hands on Palicide and Kail. Their legs instantly healed. He touched Bond's arm, it healed, too. Palicide stood up. "Thanks Jesus!" Kail chirped in. "Yeah! Your the greatest!" Then Jesus waved an arm, and the brand new Aston Martin V12 appeared. (This is the car used in Die Another Day) They all gasped in awe. They turned around to thank Jesus, but saw nothing. They heard a faint "Use it well..." Palicide, legs renewed, got in the driver's seat. Kail got in the backseat. Bond rode shotgun. Palicide put her in drive. She purred to life. "cool!" He shouted. He put in drive and sped off.
~~~~~~~~
elsewhere
~~~~~~~~
Smiley came to when an abrupt shout came across the silence. He looked. everywhere was sand. Then he realized that he was placed on top of the sphinx. Luckily, he still had his wheelchair. KANG stood behind him. Several ugly creatures, resembling the aliens from "Aliens" with Sigourney Weaver.
Smiley got chills, he held her in a high position in his heart. He shook himself out of it, then looked forwards. He barley had time to yell as KANG pushed him over. As he plunged to the ground. Smiley reached for a button on his chair. At the last possible moment, a jet ignited and shot him off into the sunset. KANG shouted. "Curses!" then he turned to his minions. "GET HIM!" The creatures then gained wingspans of their own, and flew off after him. Smiley's wheelchair then transformed into a small airplane, and headed in the direction of where he last saw his friends. The aliens were gaining on him! Smiley flicked a switch on his dashboard. Twin tubes came out the back, and fired off a huge inferno at the closest one. It burned up, and like a bugs bunny cartoon, crumbled into dust and fell to the ground. Smiley smirked and said. "One down, two to go!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
the other heroes
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Palicide sped off at 90 MPH, laughing as Kail clutched his seat for dear life.
"WHOOOT!" He yelled. Bond had stuck his head out the window, watching the glorious sunset. Then he saw something. A small...Airplane? It shot past them yelling "HEY BONDDDDDD!!" Bond knew that voice, but before he could react, the most hideous alien came down beside him. It opened it's mouth revealing another smaller mouth. Bond stared for a moment then yelled. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Bond jumped away from his window and nearly landed on Palicide. Palicide swiveled the wheel from the fright, and the car spun around several times, but he regained control. Palicide fidgeted with his tie, and continued driving. Then he saw the alien.
(like the way that woman screamed in the Temple of Doom) "AAAAAAHHH!" He looked back at the road, then at the alien again. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE HELL IS THAT MOTHA FUCKA?!" All the krew was screaming wildly, as the car swerved back and forth, Palicide Bond, and Kail screaming louder and louder.
Kail dug around in the back seat, and found a gun with a pressurized bullet.
He loaded it, all the while screaming as Bond kicked and punched the creature. Kail pointed his "cannon" at the creature. It looked at him, and growled. "rut row!" He fired at it and it exploded into a million pieces. The head flew across the car and landed in Palicide's lap. It became worse because the head was writhing and biting! Pali screamed uncontrollably then he picked it up and smashed it against his window, then threw it out Bond's.
They all took a moment to catch their breath's. Then Palicide looked back at the road, and saw they were about to hit another Pyramid. "AAAAHHHH!!!"
He hit the hand break and did a 1080° spin, all the while screaming with the rest of the group. Then the car did one more 180 degree spin, and stopped just as the bumper lightly hit the structure. They all were gasping, then Palicide started laughing. "*gasp*....hehe....(gasp)....hahaha....hahahahaha....HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!"
Bond and Kail started laughing too. They all laughed for about a minute, then it became crying. Palicide started going. "hahaha...(sniff)....haha...ha..huh...Oh God what just happened?" They all just sat there, carrying on. Then they heard a noise. An Asp started sliding into Palicide's window. He didn't see it, but yelled. "I've had enough OF THIS SHIT!!!" He grabbed it, and threw it across the car out Bond's window!
END OF CHAPTER 5
CH 6: A New Plan
Again I say, Egyptian pyramids!
The 3 sat in the Aston Martin, waiting for what could come next. They just sat there, in silence, then Bond decided to talk. "I'm driving." Palicide made an offended look and said. "Nuh-uh!" Then Bond said. "Jacque, move the phock over." Palicide then said. "NO! You...you...." he thought. "PHOCKER!" (inside joke, hee hee!) Then Bond made an even more shocked face and said. "Give me the goddamned wheel fuckhead!"
Then Palicide said. "No fucktard!" Then they looked each other in the eyes, and like an anime cartoon, sparks flew out from their eyes. Then Kail, who had been silently sitting in the back, shouted. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
We need to figure out something!" Just then, Smiley landed next to the car.
Bond and Palicide continued arguing, Kail just sighed. Then Smiley leaned in threw the window, and said. "uhm...guys?" Then Bond and Palicide turned to him, and screamed "WHAT?!?!?!" He would have jumped ten feet into the air if his legs worked. Smiley said. "Listen, instead of coming up with some elaborate scheme, lets just launch a full scale assault against the Sphinx!"
Then Kail leaned out the window and said. "But we're only 4 men!" Suddenly, they heard a voice say. "...And two woman..." They all turned around, only to see....a beautiful woman dressed in combat clothing.
All their jaws dropped, except Smiley's, obviously, at the beautiful goddess of Bond luster. She approached the driver side window. then another came around behind her. Before Palicide could react, Smiley had already wheeled around in front of him and spoke to the women. "Hello ladies!" He reached to kiss their...oh wait...he can't... "What can we do for you lovely women?"
Palicide started to talk, but Smiley's wheelchair put a cork in his mouth. Literally! The first one spoke. "I am Pussy Galore, Jr. , and this my sister,
Cunt Abundant." Yeah right! Here's what she really said. " Irennie Galore."
All the guys were drooling, especially Palicide, as he tried to remove the pacifier from his mouth. After they exchanged greetings, the two women climbed into the back seat. Palicide maintained control over the car, to the displeasure to Bond. Kail sat in-between the two. Smiley couldn't fit in the car, so he activated the magnetic wheels and stuck to the trunk. and they went off towards the Sphinx.
~~~~~~~~~~
Sphinx
~~~~~~~~~~
Kang stood on a platform inside the structure, watching the Aston Martin speed towards his position. Then another freaky thang appeared. "Master KANG"(multiple female screams) They all looked around. "Uh, sire, the reinforcements will arrive in 12 hours. They said they are sending Vlad Jinkst
to lead the troops, but, I'm concerned about those people...."
~~~~~~~
shiny car
~~~~~~~
The Krew sped towards the Sphinx, and Palicide hit the hand break 200 feet from the Sphinx, sending Smiley flying forwards. He would have flailed helplessly had he been able to do so! (ruins all my fun...) So he landed head first in the sand. They parked the car. They all got out and ran towards Smiley, all except Palicide. He checked the car for any dents. They dug him out of the sand. He wasn't breathing. Bond said. "Someone needs to give him...you know..." Bond and Kail backed away. Pussy Galore sighed and began blowing. Kail made a disgusted face. Palicide yelled. "Wrong end Toots!"
END OF CHAPTER 6!!!!!!! WHOOT!
CH 7:victory....or is it?
Outside the Sphinx...duh!
After rejuvenating Smiley(heh heh) the Krew placed explosives at the entrance. They lined the front with explosives, and prepared to detonate.
Kail called out. "Prepare to detonate!" then Smiley said. "ready!" then Kail responded with. "detonate!"
~~~~~~~
Sphinx
~~~~~~~
KANG's second in command, Reiker Taraku, approached him. This Yorker was the only other one to have a holographic projector to appear human. Asides his uncanny taste for Yarddrate eggs, you wouldn't know he's alien!
KANG stood facing away from Reiker. "Master KANG- (AAAAAHHH! AAARRRGGGHH!!! EEEEEKK! women screamed!) Reiker looked around. Then KANG spun around and fired 3 shots from his Reluam blaster. they all shot right past Reiker. When he realized the shot wasn't intended for him, he spun around. KANG had shot down three fat women wearing moo-moo dresses! KANG spun his pistol around, then re-holstered it. "you were saying?" The alien swallowed hard, then continued. "The MI6 agents have breached the entrance, and-" KANG interrupted him. "Take care of them!"
Reiker grinned widly, revealing steel teeth. "Didn't I tell you to get rid of those?!" Reiker spit out the dentures and left.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the heroines and heroes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Krew walked into the room, and were greeted by the 7 foot man thing.
the women, not prepared for the shit this Krew deals with, screamed and ducked behind a corner. Smiley, not being able to fight, as he's a cripple,
wheeled over to the women. Bond, Kail, and Palicide got ready to fight.
Kail pulled his Falcon 2, but Reiker shot out a tentacle that grabbed it.
He slowly advanced upon them. Bond nodded to Kail, and the two launched a small attack. Kail ran behind him, and Bond punched the creature in the gut when he wasn't looking. It made a sound like flesh hitting cement at a high velocity. Bond slowly retracted his fist. Then Reiker picked up Bond. Palicide ran up and kneed him in the balls. This made a GONG sound. Palicide's eyes widened and he whispered "no...!" Kail came up behind him and wrapped a chain around Teraku's neck. He grabbed Kail's arms and flipped him over. Then he saw her, Irennie Galore. With her long blonde hair and cute smile. He looked at her in awe, then she looked at him. She smiled. While Reiker was in a trance, Bond took the opportunity to knock him in the back with a led pipe he saw. THUMP! He just stood there, staring. Then Kail sighed and jumped up on Teraku. He then stuck his thumb and index finger into his neck.
"What the hell are you doing?" Asked Reiker. "The...Vulcan neck pinch?"
answered Kail. "No no, you idiot, you much to high! It's down where the shoulder meets the neck!" Then Kail responded. "Like this?" And stuck his fingers in the lower neck. Reiker said "Yeah!!" and collapsed onto the floor.
They stormed into the main room, and opened fire everywhere. Bullets and lasers flew in every direction.
~~~~~~~
heaven
~~~~~~
God, feeling sorry for our Krew, had used his all mighty powers to send a small division of clone soldiers of, non other than, Palicide.
"Dad, what are you doing?" God turned around, startled, and said. "no-nothing!"
~~~~~~~~
Sphinx
~~~~~~~~
The Krew unleashed hell on KANG's base. then turned around, and saw the Calvary. This wouldn't have been so awkward if they all didn't goose step and look like Palicide. Bond, Kail, Smiley, Irennie, and Pussy, turned towards Palicide and made an inquisitive look on their faces. "What?! I didn't do it!"
He answered. The clones walked in and began firing on the aliens in his base.
Palicide walked to them. "What the hell are you all doing here....looking like me?!" One turned to him, shrugged, and said. "God sent us." Then Palicide walked away, and threw the whisky he had in his bag out and stomped on the bottle. Then, some more clones brought in rocket launchers, and began firing them at the roof, hoping to bring the structure to the ground. KANG turned to his troops. "KILL THEM!!!" the aliens were firing wildly, but couldn't repel these super Nazi clones. Then the building rumbled. IT had started to collapse. The Krew decided this would be an ideal time to make their exit, so, they did. They ran and ran, out the door, out of the Sphinx, which now was missing a nose, and jumped into the Aston Martin. "go go go now NOW NOW!!!" shouted Pussy Galore. They kicked the car into drive, and Palicide drove them off towards Cairo. The Sphinx collapsed, and the clones returned to heaven...for later use...
mwahahaha..hahahahaha! MWAHHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!
END OF CHAPTER 7!!!! AHAHA!
CH 8: Palicide + Commitment= KANG?!
Cairo, but soon, France.
After Egyptian Prime Minister Jim Bob II explained to his peeps that the Sphinx was leveled for world benefit, the Krew hopped on a private airplane for Paris, France. They had all been informed on...something I don't wish to tell the readers cause I'm an ass. Natalia waited in the Second National Suthern Baptist Church of France. Palicide wore his best tux, but then again, so did Bond, Kail, and Smiley. The plane landed and they all proceeded to the church.
~~~~~~~~~
Das church
~~~~~~~~~
The priest waited at the front of the Church, Palicide stood next to him. Kail also waited there patiently, holding a small box. (Oh c'mon people, as if you don't know!) Then music started up, and Natalia emerged from the double doors at the end, with a spiteful looking old guy with silly facial hair.
When she reached the altar, the priest began. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to whiteness Natalia Nicoth- wait, Natalia Nico- shit..."
they all stared at the priest. "....Natalia Nocith-fuck! Natalia Nicotholav Romar-shit...NATALIA NICOTHOLAV ROMAROV! and Jacque Ceusteau Palicide join in the bonds of-" He is cut of by a loud sob coming from Smiley and Bond. "SHUT UP!....in the bonds of holy(a loud roaring is heard)MOLY!" everyone looked up, the priest, obviously pissed, tries to continue. "...matrimony..." Then, KANG and his cronies burst in through the windows, and all landed on their faces. They immediately jumped up and fired their guns at the roof. Bond, Kail, Palicide, and Irennie and Pussy, withdrew their weapons and engaged in combat, again. Natalia moaned and ducked behind the altar, she had long forgotten the shit that goes on around here. While the Krew fired madly at the aliens, KANG walked over to the altar, grabbed Natalia, and signaled to his men to leave. Palicide looked and saw that KANG was running with [b]HIS[/b] woman towards their spacecraft. Palicide fired the final shot from his Walther P99 at KANG, striking him in the leg. Unfortunately, KANG still escaped. Palicide watched as she was taken from him, and screamed out. "WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?" Smiley pressed a button on his wheelchair. A small microchip launched from his ride and attached itself to the aircraft. A computer screen then emerged from the left armrest. "look..." He began. "we can track her location!" Palicide gave a sigh of relief, and hugged Smiley. "Your a goddamned genius!" Irennie approached Kail. "What do we do until then?" He made a thoughtful expression. "....Do you have a thing for Reiker?" She just laughed and said. "No, he's just cute!" Kail made a fiendish grin, then said. "OK! You'll come with us! Pussy, go to MI6, stay there!"
She nodded, and left. The Krew, Bond, Kail, Palicide, Smiley, and now Irennie, climbed into the Aston Martin V12 Vanquish and sped off, Palicide at the wheel. Smiley programmed the onboard guidance systems to read of his tracer. It appeared that they were heading to......Transylvania. Palicide drove to the nearest airport, then he realized something, and drove towards the nearest sub pen. "Guys...isn't there...three of me?" They all looked at him, then Irennie said. "What...three of him?"
END OF CHAPTER.......8!
CH 9: ...Him again?
Southern Germany
The Krew arrived at the Adolph Hitler Memorial Sub Pen of Germany. They managed to get in, as the guards assumed it was the same Palicide that worked there. Irennie still was confused, but just played along. They reached sub pen U-571. They saw Palicide standing in drydock watching the work on the submarine. Irennie's jaw dropped. So would Smiley's, if it could. Palicide parked the Aston Martin. Thy got out and snuck towards the airplane bay.
~~~~~~~~~
SPACE
~~~~~~~~~
In the outer most reaches of space, several objects loomed in the darkness. One flies by our view, allowing us to read the caption on it, "Home one".
They fly past and continue on their coarse to what appears to be Australia...
(inside the ship) The Yorker sat in it's command post, waiting to hear from KANG. Then the screen lit up, and KANG's face was seen. "Master KANG, we await your orders to deploy..." KANG responded. "how long until you reach Earth?" The creature stood up and said. "7 hours sir!" KANG turned away and muttered 'shit', then said. "You must hurry, we haven't much time. Bond knows to much..."
~~~~~~~
Sub Pens
~~~~~~~
Our Palicide approached the commander of the cargo plane in the hanger.
"Captain..." He glanced at his name tag. "Fritz, I need to borrow your cargo craft, certain matters of urgency, need to load this Aston Martin into the plane and be off to Transylvania.!" The man heartily agreed and gave him the keys. After the Krew loaded the car onto the plane, they fired up the ignition. Then the other Palicide walked in. "Captain!" The man turned around, and said. "Sir, why aren't you on this plane?!" Palicide made a puzzled expression.
I didn't authorize this! why is..." Then he looked in the cockpit, and saw himself at the controls. "What the hell...?" Without thinking, he ordered the guards to fire on the craft. Fortunately, our crew escaped, but unfortunately, one of the bullets punctured the fuel tank. The plane began to take off. Then the guards began closing the hanger doors. "FULL THROTTLE!" yelled Bond. He and Palicide said a silent prayer, as they flew closer and closer to the ever closing doors. they cleared it, but barely. Palicide scrambled three jets to intercept it.
(inside the plane) Kail sat in the back, watching Irennie. Then she said. "Kail, can I tell you something?" He looked at her, then got up and sat down next to her. "Sure." She looked at him and said. "I see dead people!" He looked at her like she was crazy, then said. "What?" "I see dead people, see!" She pointed at the other end of the room, where Elvis sat drinking some wine.
Kail looked over there, then back at her. "I see him too!"
END OF CHAPTER 9!
CH 10: I Can't Think of a witty title.
somewhere over Hungary.
While Kail, Irennie, and Smiley sat in the back watching the jets get closer and closer, Bond and Smiley looked for something to use. They can't just shoot down German military aircraft. Bond looked at his control panel. He pressed a button activating the intercom in the cargo hold. "Guys, what do we have back there?" Kail looked around. "Besides the car, just buckets, hammers, nails, luggage containers, crap like that." He waited for Bond to answer. "Can you all tie down the car?" They looked around. Irennie found some bungee cord, Smiley found a rope, Kail found chains. "Yeah Bond, we can." Bond responded with. "Tie it down, then call me back!" Bond turned back towards Palicide, who was looking out the window like a cow looks at a meat grinder. "Pali, what's wrong?" Bond shook him a little. "I have a perpetual fear of heights..." Bond looked at him confused like. Palicide responded with. "Why the hell else do you think I worked on a fecking submarine?!" After the car was tied down, Kail called back Bond. "Now what?" Bond answered. "Find stuff you can throw at the jets, I'm going to lower the altitude to 10000 feet so you won't get sucked out!" The began searching through bags and stuff. Kail opened up one. He found something that looked like pins, with a small inscription on them. He skimmed it, something about WW2 and the A-bomb. Then the cargo door opened. He threw the pins out the door, one went straight threw the windshield, then the pilot's head. the other shot threw the aircraft on the left's wing. Irennie asked him what he threw. "Ah, some World War two vintage A-Bomb thing, nothing special!" She looked at him in horror. Smiley wheeled over to the door. He put on his breaks, then activated the wet cement slick button. His right armrest lifted up, and the bar underneath fired the wet cement at the right Airplane's windshield. They all congratulated themselves. When all of the sudden, the pilot opened the cockpit, produced a water pistol and large windshield wiper, and cleaned of his windshield. He climbed back in, and locked on a missile. Irennie and Kail desperately searched for something to throw. Then they found a bowling ball. They looked at each other, shrugged, then threw it out the door. the aircraft fired of the missile at the same time. The bowling ball hit the missile dead on, blowing up itself and the aircraft.
The last one, wanting revenge for it's fallen comrades, locked on two missiles. Kail found one more suitcase, belonging to a Mr. W. Clinton, and walked over to the door. He opened it up. Tons of women's panties flew out, several went into the engine turbine thingy, causing it to explode. The plane tumbled to the grounded. "So much for sublimity!" Shouted Kail. The door shut and they continued for Transylvania. Inside the cockpit, Bond congratulated the Krew, then turned to Palicide, who looked...somewhat pissed. Bond turned back towards his control panel, and realized they were losing fuel. That's when they realized that the homing projector had changed. It wasn't Transylvania at all, they wanted Bucharest. But they would never make it there. Bond estimated that the plane will fall short of Bucharest by 25 miles. He hit the intercom. "Guys! Get in the car, open the cargo doors, and wait for Palicide and myself!" Bond took off his headphone thing, then grabbed Palcide's arm and dragged him to the car. Kail, Irennie, and Smiley rode in the back. Palicide took the driver's seat and Bond rode shotgun. He disengaged the hand break. While muttering in German.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KANG's Base
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inside KANG's office, You see his back, as the camera slowly pans around to his face. "At last Natalia, I have you in my clutches..." Then he imitates her voice. "No, NO! I hate you!" Now the camera has panned to his face, and you see that he is playing with his dolls. "Hey, what are you doing with my girlfriend? Hey honny!" KANG imitated Palicide's voice. Now back to his. "Die Palicide!" He throws the doll at the Palicide figurine, then imitates Kail. "Hey what did you do to my friend?" Then KANG does his voice. "The same thing I'm going to do to you! Pss! Psssh!" "Ooh...oh.." "AND YOU! Pssh pssh!" He strikes the Smiley doll. "At last, Natalia, we are alone..." Then he imitates her while making her doll run away. "no no! I hate you I hate you! And yet, I find you strangely attractive..." Then he makes her doll come back to his. "OF course you do. Russian women are always attracted to money, and power. And I have both, and you know it!" Then her doll. "No no, get away! NO NO! Yes, NO! YES! NO, yes, no no no, YES YES YES, ah oh ah oh awwhh...your helmet...it's so big...."
Then Reiker bursts through the door, and KANG grabs all his dolls to hide them. SIR! Your needed on the bridge!" KANG looks infuriated and shouts. "KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!" He answers "yes sir!" Then KANG makes a suspicious face. "Did you see anything?" Reiker shakes his head and said. "No sir, I didn't see you playing with you dolls again!" With that, he left. KANG looked around, then got up, and left.
END OF CHAPTER 10!
CH 11: luring the gerbil out of the hole.
Somewhere over Romania.
The Cargo plane crashed into a mountain, throwing chunks of burning metal and leather into the sky. Our view pans back from the explosion and inside the car. It floated slowly to the ground with it's three parachutes dancing in the wind like a Russian whirling dervish having a seizure. They hit the ground, detached the chutes and sped off for Bucharest. As they drove, they saw a flashing light on the rode. They stopped the car, and Kail got out. It was the tracer they had attached to KANG's vehicle. He muttered something crude and got back into the car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KANG's super secret base
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man with an eye patch over his left eye watched the monitor flashing the Aston Martin on it's approach vector to Bucharest. He turned to KANG. "Sir, what if they find our location before we ship out to Australia?" KANG continued to look at the screen and spoke. "Then you have to kill them this time, or at least capture one of the more annoying members!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
our heroes
~~~~~~~~~~~
When they finally reached Bucharest, it had become twilight. They pondered where KANG would be hiding out. They decided to go to different places and see if they can find anything. Bond went to a casino, Palicide went to a Ritzy club, Smiley went to City Hall, and Kail and Irennie went to a party out in the main streets. Bond walked into the "Casino Royal" and took a seat at the Roulette table. He placed his bets. Smiley began patroling the halls for anything suspicious that could give us the location of KANG's temporary base. Inside the club Palicide walked around, acting like he owned a gold mine, or an oil well. He walked up to one of the patrons, and began conversing. Kail and Irennie walked through the crowds of people, hopping up and down with all the other raging drunks. When Bond had lost 100 Pounds at the roulette, he went on to the Black Jack table. he took a seat, he looked at the three others playing with him, a fat white woman with big red hair, a midget with an inferiority complex, and a man with an eye patch over his left eye. Not Bond's left, his left. The dealer dealt his cards. Lefteye's top card, 9, Bond's, 2. Bond looked under his cards, a three was on the bottom.
Lefty's bottom was an eight. (9+8=17) The man looked through his X-ray eye patch, and saw that the next card was a three, and that the next card inside the dealers shirt sleeve is a nine. The man with the eye patch said, "Hit me, I like to live dangerously." the dealer gives him a card, he gets a three. Bond looks at his cards and says, "I'll stay..." He looks at the man. "I also like to live dangerously!" The dealer flips over his cards, five, nine. he draws again........... He gets an eight. Dealer busts, table wins. Once Bond collected his winnings, he approached the man in the eye patch. Irennie and Kail walk towards an alley. He looks up at the building, it reads. "TOP SECRET! DON'T ENTER". He looks at Irennie. "I'll be right back." He climbs up the fire escape. Irennie looks to her right. A tall clown suit is slowly walking towards her. Back in the country club. The patrons are all shouting "Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!!!" As Palicide and a fat guy named Bob chug down Tequila shooter after shooter. Palicide picks up his fifth glass, hand shaking, and chugs down the drink and slams the glass upside down onto the table.
Smiley had snuck into a reality claims office, hoping he'll find some info on KANG's hideout. Then he saw it. Entitled "KANG's secret lair." He opened the folder (Somehow) and found the location. He smirked inwardly and left City Hall. Irennie was watching the fire escape, trying to not stare at the clown guy walking towards her. The something grabbed her. She spun around, and saw it was the clown. It took of it's hat, revealing Reiker Teraku in drag. He grinned broadly, revealing the steel teeth. He slowly bent down to her neck, and when he was just an inch away from biting her, Kail came down and kicked him out of the way. Before the two could fight, a bunch of drunks came out of one of the bars in the alley, and walked between them. Kail looked at jaws-I mean Reiker and did a classic Roger Moore smile.
Then one of the drunks grabbed Reiker by his waist, and another did too. He tried to get back to the two, but more people pushed him with them. He finally shrugged and danced down the alleyway with them.
END OF CHAPTER 11!!!
CH 12: KANG's Not So Secret Lair!
Bucharest, Romania.
Bond sat next to the man with an eye patch at the bar. He turned to him.
"You played a good game, mr...?" The man with the eye patch looked at him, and said. "Number 3." Bond looked at him in the most quizzical way. He stifled a laugh, then said to the man. "The name is Bond, James Bond. Can I buy you a drink?" Number 3 said. "Sure, I'll have a Bloodied Mary." Bond turned to the barkeep and said. "I'll have a Vodka Martini, and he'll have the Bloodied Mary." The waiter went to the other side of the bar, made the drinks, shouted "ORDER UP!" and slid the drinks down the bar to Bond and 3. Bond leaned towards his cup, and just when he was a about to take a sip, he smelt something. He brought his finger around the edge of the glass. It had been drugged. Before Bond could look up, Number 3 punched him in the jaw, sending Bond backwards and landing on his head. Meanwhile, Smiley wheeled along at 5 MPH, heading to the country club, when he abruptly stopped before entering the parking lot. He urged the electric battery to move him, but he remained stuck. He looked over the side of his wheelchair. He had wheeled right into some wet cement. He looked around franticly for help, he found none, and just sat there. Inside the club, Bob picked up his twelfth Tequila shooter, Palicide did the same. Both their hands shook, and they both took the shooter. Bob leaned back, drank it, then fell over out of his chair, snoring loudly. Palicide grinned at his success, then staggered into the bathroom. He leaned over the sink, and pulled out some pills. He opened them, but before he could get them in his mouth, he vomited into the sink. He cringed and went to the next one. He popped two pills in his mouth, crunched loudly, and swallowed. Q prescribed these pills to all the men incase they get drunk. He said it tasted like cherries, but to Palicide, who wasn't supposed to chew them, thought they tasted like....(not that he's ever tasted the stuff) semen. Irennie and Kail also made their way to the country club, as it's the meeting point. Kail carried Irennie in his arms, and walked past Smiley, who was waving franticly at them. Bond got up from the blow, and grabbed #3. He put him ontop of the bar, and threw him across it. #3 got up, and head butted Bond in the gut. Bond grabbed him, picked him up by his upper half, and flipped him over his shoulder, smashing his head against a barstool. #3 got up, dazed, and hit Bond in the head with his head. They both grabbed their head s in pain. Bond then punched him in the face, and threw him into the roulette table. Bond dusted off his hands and said. "Just wasn't his night."
He then walked out, and headed for the country club. Bond had the Aston Martin. He got in the car, and drove towards the club. Then two blue limos and 3 blue cars pulled out from behind Bond, and began pursuit. Bond looked in his rearview mirror. He flipped up the arm rest, and prepared to start the chase. He hit the oil slicks, and the first blue car slammed into a lamppost.
Then he saw the country club, and shot past it. Smiley was sleeping, but was awoken by an explosion. He looked to the street, and saw Bond shoot past him. Then he saw several cars go by too. He rolled his eyes and pondered how he would get out of there. Kail found Palicide good as new, and brought him outside with Irennie. At that moment, they also saw Bond speed by. They ran down to the curb, completely ignoring Smiley. Then they saw the Aston Martin do a U-turn and come right at the cars and limos. He fired his rockets and machine guns, and punched a hole through the cars. He skidded over to where the rest were, and signaled for them to get in. That's when Irennie finally noticed Smiley. The cement had already hardened, but she picked him up and threw him in the back seat. So, Kail pushed Bond over and took the driver's seat, Bond sat next to him, and Palicide, Smiley and Irennie sat in the back in that same order. As they drove, Smiley told them where KANG's base is. He said it's at the other side of the river. Then Kail saw more cars in his rearview, he sighed and flipped up the armrest....
END OF CHAPTER 12!!
CH 13: Palicide...poor poor Palicide....
the streets of Bucharest, Romania
The Aston Martin rounded a corner, leaving a smoke screen behind her. Kail had a small map of the city, and the location of KANG's secret lair. He floored the accelerator. 4 vehicles remained in hot pursuit. One drove up alongside the car. Kail glanced out the window, and smiled at the guy driving. Then he pressed a button on his consol, and a tire cutter slashed the other car's tires. He looked ahead, and turned left onto an alley way. the three cars followed him into it. Bond and Kail looked ahead, they both glanced at each other nervously. the alleyway became half the width of the car he was driving. Irennie looked in horror at what he Kail was about to do. Kail saw a ramp, and drove the left two tires on it, making the car drive on it's side. He went into the narrow slit. the first two cars did likewise, but the third flipped over onto it's side. They made their way out of the alley and flipped back onto all four tires. Kail turned the car left, and saw a helicopter fly by. He stomped onto the accelerator for the bridge. he stomped so hard, that his foot went clear through the floor. A man stuck his head out of the roof of the limo, and fired an oozy at the car. putting numerous bullet holes in the back windshield.
Then the bridge they had to drive over was destroyed by the helicopter. Kail sighed and said. "They never give up." He flicked one more switch. The rear license plate dropped down, and a jet came out of it. He activated it. They went up and shot over the damaged bridge. Up, up, up... Then the car began plunging downwards, and crashed right through the skylights of an abandoned mill. everyone in the car screamed the whole way down. The car hit the ground and skidded across the floor, plowing through a wall. It continued to skid, each tire fell off as it did. They crashed through another wall, revealing KANG's super secret base. The jet booster, still, on, propelled the car even further, smashing through another wall. Palicide banged his head hard against the window of the car. It spun around one more time, and slammed into a concrete wall. coming to a halt. Kail and Bond had banged their heads agains the dashboard and steering wheel numerous times, knocking them out cold. Palicide's eyes were wide, he coughed and spit out a tooth. Irennie's side of the car was slammed against the wall. Palicide tried to open his door. It wouldn't budge. He jiggled the handle harder cursing as he did. "Fucking child safety locks!" He kicked the door, and staggered out. He looked at the aliens that had gathered around and sighed. He put his hands up. Irennie climbed over Smiley, and stood next to Palicide. The aliens pulled the others out of the car, and dragged them to KANG. He ordered the creatures to take the prisoners to the operations room, and to take away their weapons.
Inside the operations room, he had Palicide and Kail(can't let you suffer by yourself) strapped to a table. KANG, Reiker, and Number 3 walked in. KANG pressed a button on a clicker, and a screen with the British Prime Minister and M on it appeared. KANG began the conversation. "Hello M, remember me?" She looked at him, and said. "You fat pig, you should die a painfully embarrassing death!" KANG smirked and said. "I have a request for you...but first, meet Doctor Schlotzkin, the greatest Plastic surgeon in the whole universe, and Beverly Hills." She looked at him in confusion. "what's your game, KANG?" KANG chuckled evilly, and said. "If you don't give me 10 Cargo Planes and 20 of your F-16 fighter jets...." Palicide and Kail had just come to. "....I'm prepared to give these two back...." The two nurses held up two pictures of small dicks. "...THEIR OLD COCKS!!" Palicide looked at the picture the way the pope looks at a gun, and screamed at the top of his lungs, "NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Kail just passed out. Palicide took a few deep breaths, then said. "Where'd you get that?!" M and the Prime Minister looked like they were about to burst into hysterical laughter. "KANG, why would that make any difference?" KANG lifted up his hand, and snapped his fingers. Dr. Schlotzken grinded his two butcher knives together, and leaned over Palicide. Palicide, on the verge of a nervous breakdown shouted hystericaly. "NO! M, don't let them do this to me!! KANG! KANG! We can do a deal! I could buy you a delicatessen....IN STAINLESS STEEL!!! PLEASE!!" The scene pans out from view, as we hear Palicide scream in agony, and a splat sound, then the door to the operations room slams. Palicide shot up from his bed, screaming bloody murder, awakening all the others. He takes deep breaths, then reaches inside his pants. He gives a sigh of relief as he finds it's still the same. It was all a bad dream. But they were still trapped in KANG's base....
END OF CHAPTER 13:
CH 14: KANG's Escape!
KANG's secret base: Bucharest, Romania
Inside the jail cell, our heroes wonder how long it will be before they come up with a daring escape. Then KANG walked into the room, with two guards.
They opened the cell and took out all the prisoners. Bond and Company were escorted to the interrogation center. They sat down. KANG held Bond's Walther PPk. One guard remained in the room. Bond and Kail sat down at the table, while Palicide and Irennie stood up. Smiley sat in a wheelchair, but not his special one. KANG began, "So, Mr. Bond, how do you want us to kill you?" Kail looked at him like one of those black Divas, and said. "You can't touch this bling-bling!" Bond frowned and smacked Kail in the back of the head. "KANG, your just going to kill us? No idle chitchat?" KANG just grinned and said. "Choose your next witticism carefully, it may be your last!"
KANG looked at Irennie, and smirked evilly. He motioned for her to come over to him. She carefully walked over to him. He grabbed her by the arm, and pointed the gun at her neck. Then Reiker Teraku walked in. He saw KANG pointing the gun at Irennie. He froze in his tracks. KANG looked at Reiker, and said. "Go away, Reiker, this isn't any of your business!" Teraku looked at KANG, then at Irennie, then back at KANG, then Irennie. He made a look like he was going to explode. Then time slowed down, Reiker spun around, pulling out his Defender handgun. He put one bullet in the guard's head, then came back around, before he could shoot KANG, he had already spun around and put three bullets in Reiker's chest.(Time went back to normal) While KANG was distracted, Kail jumped across the table and tackled KANG. Then Irennie ran over to the wall, grabbed a led pipe laying on the ground, and smacked KANG in the back of the head twice, knocking him out cold. She dropped the pipe and ran over to Reiker. He coughed up some blood. Kail got up and ran too, and slipped over the pipe. "Why did you do that?" Said Irennie. Reiker just smiled and said. "I like your spunk kid...." Then he closed his eyes and drifted off.... Bond blew his nose loudly. They then ran out the door to the exit. KANG got up, and staggered out the room. He went to the hangar. The Krew ran to the control room, which was strangely empty. Palicide ran up to the consol. He searched for an answer as to where KANG was going to next. Then they heard KANG's voice over the loudspeaker. "Good luck mister Bond, I hope you can escape before the place explodes in 4 minutes. ahahaha....HAHAHAHA!!!" Palicide kept typing. A map of the world appeared on the screen in the front of the room. A line began tracing itself from Romania. Palicide red of the screen. "He's not in Turkey, Russia, Saudi Arabia..." Bond motioned that they needed to go. "3 minutes!" Palicide continued. "...He's not in Ethiopia, Turkmenistan, India, Vietnam..." Irennie ran up to him. "Come on!" Palicide ignored her. "He's not in China, Burma, Indonesia..." Irennie grabbed his arm. "WAIT! He's in Australia, Sydney, no...Gosford..." Then the screen red "Search terminated."
Irennie jerked Palicide's arm and said. "Lets go! 45 seconds!!" Kail got behind Smiley's wheelchair and pushed for all he was worth. They ran out of the room, heading to the front door. (30 seconds) They burst out the door, then the base blew sky high. Chunks of burning metal flew through the air.
The Krew dived onto the ground. Bond, Smiley, and Palicide got up and walked to the police cars that had pulled up. Irennie looked at Kail, and said. "Do you destroy everything you touch?" He walked over to her and said. "Standard procedure, boys with toys..." She leaned closer to him and said. "Are there any other procedures I should know about?" They began to feverishly kiss. "Plenty, but I only pay them....(moan)...lip service...."
Palicide and Smiley shouted "Woo! You go John! It's your birthday! It's your birthday!" Bond walked up to the cops, one looked suspiciously familiar. "Hello Mr. Bond! M sent me, said you would need a bit of help!" Bond walked up to him and said. "B! Is that you? Great to see you again!" The bearded man laughed and shook Bond's hand. Then he grew serious. "I'm to accompany you to Australia, and-" Bond cut him off. "How'd you know were going to Australia?" B just shrugged and said. "I'm paid to know."
END OF CHAPTER 14!!
CH 15: Meet 'B'.
An airplane, going to Australia.
The Krew traveled with B on a private jet(don't ask how, or why) to Gosford, Australia. B explained that he had already sent ahead men to set up a shop, and it should be ready upon arrival. B didn't wear the traditional white lab coat get up. He dressed in jeans, a shirt and a Red Sox hat. Kail found this very peculiar. He bares a dark brown beard(no, not like the hobos under the high-rises). Once the plane landed, they all caught a cab to B's laboratory.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
remains of KANG's base
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The scene pans over the collapsed building, smoke came out of various places. Suddenly, a crumbling sound is heard. Then a hand shot out of the gravel and stone....
~~~~~~~
B's lab
~~~~~~~
The Krew followed B into an alleyway. They walked up to a door that reads,
"Mao's good home fries." He placed his hand against a French-fry hand. The wall went up into the roof. They all walked into the newly created entrance. B pressed a sequence of numbers on a pad. They all waited, then Bond leaned forwards pressed two more numbers. B looked at him, Bond smiled, and walked through the door. B sighed and followed him. Inside the lab, various people were at work on all sorts of items. the Krew followed B past a man who was holding a jack in the box. The Krew stopped to watch. He spun the crank. The top popped off and a flare shot high up into the air. (The ceiling in this lab as 100 feet high) B looked at the man and said. "Have that ready for Tony Blair's birthday party!" They continued on their path. B took them over to a table. "Here, take these belts, they have a 75-foot high tension wire in them. Fold back the buckle and squeeze it." They walked over to another area. "Smiley, this is your knew wheelchair, specially modified by my team. It has rockets, machine guns, smokescreens, and this I'm very proud of." He pointed at the end of the right armrest. "Fold down the end, and you'll find a red button. Whatever you do, don't touch it! Because it will cause you to be shoot into the sky, 500 feet!" Smiley gulped, and with the help of Irennie and Kail, climbed into the chair. Then B said. "Oh, by the way, M sent a friend to help!" they all turned around, and Pussy Galore was standing there. Smiley danced for joy....inwardly. They all went over to another area of the room. They stood next to a man in a white lab coat, he held a boom box. The man turned towards a crash dummy, 50 feet away. A rocket suddenly shot out of the other end of the boom box, impacting on the dummy. "Something we're making for the Americans, I call it the Ghetto Blaster!" Kail and Palicide broke into hysterical laughter. B stared daggers at the two, and continued. They walked past a woman spraying water on an umbrella held by a crash dummy. Spikes came out of the ends of the umbrella and closed on the dummy's head. Bond smirked and said to B. "Stinging in the rain?" Irennie chuckled. B sighed and said. "That's not funny 007." Then they walked over to another area, and on the way, they passed the Aston Martin V12. Bond said. "Ah, I see you managed to put the Martin back together again!" B turned to him and said. "I don't really appreciate the quips you make about
the equipment I give you. I also would like you bring [b]something[/b] back in pristine order!" Bond replied. "You'd be surprised at the amount of wear-and-tear that goes on in the field." They walked over to another car. "This I'm particularly proud of, the Lotus Esprit. She can change is amphibious in spirit, and is fully loaded on all the usual refinements. Look here," He pointed at the rear license plate. "This can drop down, and spray a cement mixture at a range of up to 50 feet, completely blinding a car. In the front, rockets, wire cutters, and of course, the usual weaponry." Kail leaned inside the window. "Just what I need to relax after a hard day at the office." B looked up at the roof, as if to ask why, and said to Kail. "need I remind you that you have a license to kill, not to break the traffic laws." Bond, and the Krew, except Smiley and Pussy, climbed into the car. (The drivers side being on the right)
Then B said. "Bond, find KANG, and kill him....and if at all possible, try to bring back the car?" Bond leaned out the window, and said "B, have I ever let you down?" He then drove out the garage door. B smacked the back of the car and said. "....Frequently...."
END OF CHAPTER 15!!!
CH 16:Guns and Explosions
Near Gosford Australia.
The Krew decided to split up into separate teams. Bond and Palicide took the Lotus, Smiley and Pussy remained with B as a relay station and home base.
Bond went to a car dealership with Kail and Irennie to get a car to go undercover. The men waited outside, While Irennie bought the car. To the untrained eye, these three looked like they were planning to hold up the store any minute now. Then they saw a few black cars pull up, and people got out. Bond and Palicide looked at each other. The thugs walked to various areas of the store. Then Bond saw Number 3. He and Palicide pulled out their weapons, and began firing on the various people. Kail pulled out his double Falcon Twos. Bond and the other two ran to another side of the car dealership. Then Kail turned around to get the Lotus, at that same time, Irennie ran towards him. Before Kail could get out 4 steps, a thug had ran up to the Lotus, and shattered the window with his gun. The car instantly blew into a million pieces. Kail squinted his eyes, and said. "B's not going to like this..." He turned to Irennie, and said. "I hope you got our car!" She grabbed his arm, and brought him inside the dealership. Kail slowed down to a stop as she ran towards a yellow beetle. Kail sighed, then ran to the car. Irennie took the driver seat. Kail leaned out the window, and shouted. "Get in touch with Smiley, and get another Lotus!" The view switches to outside the dealership, suddenly, a buggy burst through the window, and drove out to the street. Three cars instantly gave chase. Irennie stomped on the accelerator. The people in the cars leaned out the windows and fired their pistols at the car. Kail looked at Irennie and smiled. Then another bullet hit the back windshield. Kail said. "I'm afraid we're being out horsepowered. Excuse me." He leaned over and jerked on the steering wheel, causing the car to hit some flour sacks he saw laying on the road. He looked behind him, the cars sped through the fog, but slowly. Then one of the (for the sake of story) Ford Tauruses rear ended the buggy, and again. Then they entered a city. Bond saw an lower route, he pointed. "Take the low road!" She turned the steering wheel. The three cars remained in pursuit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
back at the car dealership
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bond and Palicide had taken care of almost all the thugs. They both were in the main room, firing at various things. Then they got back-to-back and fired at the thugs, then turned around. They both said at the same time. "BEHIND YOU!" And fired a shot over each other's shoulder. Palicide clutched his ear. "Damnit! Don't fire that thing off near my ear!" Then Bond walked behind Palicide, and saw another thug begin to get up to Palicide's right. Bond spun around and unloaded a clip into the guy, and deafened Palicide for, say, an hour? Bond smirked, and said. "Sorry, Pali, you okay?" Palicide looked at him and shouted really loud. "WHAT?!" Bond shouted in his ear. "ARE YOU OKAY?!" Palicide shouted. "No, I'm not gay!" Then Bond turned around, and saw Number 3 escaping on a helicopter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bucharest Romana
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ground around the fallen base shook, and suddenly, a man stood up. He turned around, revealing a badly injured Reiker Teraku. He stumbled out of the wreckage, and staggered towards the nearest private airport...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KANG's secret base, a few minutes later
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The slow version of the imperial march is heard, as #3 and two guards walk up to KANG. KANG is dressed in Darth Vader's attire. He swivels around. "report?" took a deep breath, and said. "A failure sir, a total failure...we-" KANG reached into his pocket, and pulled out a ring. "You have failed again...." He pointed the ring at #3. "Oh no..no no no no! NO! Not that, no!" 3 grabbed his throat. KANG smirked and said, "Yes, that!" A green beam of energy was then emitted from the ring, and hit #3 in the nuts. He looked down, and started moaning in pain. "OOOWWWW! AAH! OH! OH! AH!" He fell to the ground, crying in pain. "You had better shape up, the emperor is not as forgiving as I am." Number 3 looked up in shock. "Th-the emperor?! here?!" KANG nodded. Then the two guards walked Number 3 to the sick bay. Then KANG turned to the various people in the room, lifted up the face mask, and shouted like Rick Morranis. "No one here fails again, RIGHT?! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT?!" Everyone stood up, grabbed their package, and shouted. "OF COURSE WE DO SIR!" KANG raised an eyebrow and half closed the opposite eye, then turned around and walked towards the landing pad, his cloak waved as he did.
END OF CHAPTER 16!!
CH 17: "A Drive In The Country"
Somewhere in Eastern Australia
Bond and Irennie sped through a zigzag road placed on top of a mountainous hill. They did a sharp left, all the while, three cars remained in pursuit. Then two of the cars began rear ending the buggy. Irennie turned the steering wheel all the way over to the left. The buggy drove sharply down a hill, and flipped over. Kail and Irennie climbed out of the Volkswagen, and flipped it back over. "Don't mind if I drive, do you?" Kail got in the driver's seat, Irennie climbed into the passenger side. Then Kail hit the accelerator and began driving down the hill in the same fashion as they were before.
~~~~~~~~
B's lab
~~~~~~~~
Bond and Palicide walked in quietly. They approached B. "Uh...hey!" Said Palicide. "Uh...so you think we...could have another Lotus?" B looked at him suspiciously, then said, "What's wrong with the one I gave you?" Bond handed him the keys. "That's all that's left!" B looked at the keys, and stifled a scream. Then B walked away, jerking in various places. Palicide leaned over to Bond, and said. "Do you think he's mad?" B walked back, his face flushed, holding another set of keys. Then he pointed at a red Lotus in the corner. Then he walked away. Bond and Palicide climbed into the car, Smiley and Pussy accompanied the two.
~~~~~~~~
car chase
~~~~~~~~
The car hit a stump on the way down the hill, flipped over, and landed facing the cars chasing them. "Go backwards forwards, quickly!" Kail put the car in reverse, and drove away. Then a truck carrying hay rounded the corner. Kail drove the car around the side and spun the car around, and put her back in drive. The other two cars went around the truck, but the third one went into the truck. Then a car drove up along side Kail, and then the other. Kail put his arm infront of Irennie and hit the breaks. One car hit the other, and the car on the left was pushed of the road. It flipped over and landed on it's head on the main road. Then the yellow buggy rounded the corner, and turned off the road and went down the hill when Kail saw the upside down car. Grapes and such pelted the windshield. and the car rocked up and down as they did, Kail said to Irennie, "Love a drive in the country, don't you?" She giggled. Then They hit the main road again, and drove right infront of the car that was chasing them, then he proceeded down the hill again. The car went around the zigzagging road, and the yellow buggy drove over the roof of the black car. Then the car turned off the main road and chased the yellow buggy, it shot off a dirt ramp and landed in a tree. The buggy went back onto the main road. Kail saw that they had been chased all the way to Sidney, Australia.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KANG's real base
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KANG bowed down as a star ship carrying the Emperor landed. The doors hissed, and he walked out. Then he stepped on his robes, and tripped. He fell down the ramp, and landed on his face. He got right up and shouted. "I'm okay!" Then he walked up to KANG. "Hello, son..."
END OF CHAPTER 17!!
CH 18: Long Explanation that always happens
Australia
Palicide, having finally regained his hearing, drove the Lotus Esprit. Then they received a radio transmission. "Hey, guys? Kail here, we were chased all the way to Sidney, and we need....wait, what's that?" (Kail's POV) Kail handed Irennie the Walkie-talkie and walked over to something he saw move in the shadows. He peeked around the corner, but saw no one. When he turned back around, he was face to face with Reiker Teraku. Kail's eyes widened, and he took a few steps back. Not only was Reiker standing in front of him, all his wounds had healed. "I-Irennie! Uh...j-j...." She turned around, and went. "I told you I see dead people!" Then Reiker stepped forward, and said. "No, it's okay, I survived the blast...and the bullets...and the crumbling structure, and incase you have forgotten, people like myself and KANG can heal themselves over time. But I've come to help you!" Kail looked back at Irennie, then at the buggy. Then Reiker said. "I can tell you what KANG's planning on doing, but It's a long story!" Kail looked back at Irennie, then at the buggy, which suddenly collapsed into several pieces. "We got time..."
They all sat down, Reiker began his tale. Irennie left the walkie-talkie on, and gave it to Reiker so he could tell the others too. Meanwhile, with the rest of the Krew, they drove to Sydney as Reiker told them the tale. "It all began 5 months ago, when the first of us arrived to help KANG. we set up a base underground a local high school in Gosford. We continued to receive reinforcements and supplies. There was this one boy and his friend, who came very close to discovering us. He called us "Mole People"...Heath, I believe his name was. He spred propaganda about us on the internet, but everyone considered him crazy. Then, the moron came down with a camera, hoping to get some photographs...That bastard took off my right hand with his teeth...but I...hehe..." He held up a small glass jar. "I tore out one of that sucker's eyes!" Kail looked at him in shock, and Irennie put her hand up to her mouth. "Your pretty sick Reiker." Said Kail. Reiker giggled and continued. "You'll understand that we "terminated" him. We had to move base, because people were getting suspicious. So, we set up underneath the Opera house here in Sydney. This will be the launching grounds for KANG's invasion. The emperor has arrived, and the invasion will be launched at..." He checked his watch. "8:00 tonight! That's 1 hours to prepare! Bond, how long until you reach our position?" Suddenly, the sound of tires screeching is heard, and a Lotus Esprit skids to a halt in front of them! Palicide and Bond got out, but Pussy and Smiley remained in the car. (heehee!) Bond walked up to Kail. "So, what is the situation?" Kail said. "Everything is...okay." Bond said. "Good, that means nothing is working! Okay people, we may have met our match. I think it's time to call in the marines!" Reiker shook his head. "No, we can't do that. Then KANG would do something drastic." Bond turned around, then turned back to them. "Okay...we are on our own, people. I'm afraid KANG has us in check mate." Everyone paced around and thought. Then Reiker said. "I've got it! There is a way to stop KANG's army!
Listen, back when I was a soldier for the Yorken army, I had a ring band put around my head. Every soldier had one. I later learned that these were transmitters to the master controls. They could make us go into battle without caring about dying. They could make us go on a murderous rampage. Most of all, they could keep us from deserting. If we can get to the master transmitter, we can turn the troops against them, make them take their cyanide pills, anything!" Bond thought for a moment, then turned to Kail. "Lets do it!" They all put their hands out like a baseball team. Then Smiley and Pussy climbed out of the car, Smiley was covered in red lip print marks. Pussy put out her hand too. They all said. "For England!" and then ran over to the car.
END OF CHAPTER 18!
CH 19: Busting a Party
The Sydney Opera House, Australia.
The Tenor's Concert (More than two, less than four)
The Lotus drove up to the entrance to the Opera house. The Krew climbed out, and a man got in the car. Palicide turned around, grabbed the guy by his necktie, and threw him out the door. "Trying to steal my car punk?!" The guy whimpered and said, "No, sir, I'm the valet, I park the cars!" Palicide looked away, then turned back to him and said. "Oh...sorry." He tossed him the keys. "Don't push any of the buttons on that car!" They started to walk in, then something caught Bond's eye. He saw that KANG was the guest of honor at this shindig. He stopped the rest of them, and pointed at the sign. Then Bond saw a costume shop across the street. They all ran over to it. A few minutes later, two Arabs, two gypsies, and a dirty old man in a wheel chair came in through the main entrance. Underneath these disguises? Bond and Reiker are dressed up as the Arabs, the two Galores are the gypsies, and Smiley, is, of course, the cripple. Kail and Palicide snuck in, Kail as an Italian ice cream vendor, and Palicide as an Australian policeman. Bond and his group took a seat at the box up in the side. Then the three Italian tenors walked out, waved, then turned to the conductor. He raised his arms to begin, when suddenly, a loud shout is heard from the audience. "Gelati! Gelati! Get your Gelati here!" Then a woman shouted "I'll have one!" Kail walked over to the woman and said. "Ahh, and what would-a you like, Madame?" Then Palicide ran up to him, and grabbed Kail by his arm. He whispered in his ear. "C'mon man, your blowing our cover!" Then Kail tried to jerk his arm away from Palicide, and he accidentally threw the ice cream through the air, and it landed on a woman's chest. Kail looked at her in horror. KANG, sitting in the grand seats at the opposite side of Bond, said. "Our friends are here, get ready to activate our troops." Number 3 nodded and walked away. The woman that had ice cream on her chest was looking in horror, then a guy sitting next to her went, "mmm! Ice cream!" and stuck his finger into her bra.
Kail and Palicide went around the back stage, searching for a master control for the soldiers. Then Palicide had a thought. "The roof!" Meanwhile, Bond and Reiker sat in the box seats. Smiley and Pussy made out in the back. Bond and Reiker were waiting until the moment was right. Then the conductor raised his arm to start the music, when suddenly, the pope walked in. Loud Gregorian chanting was heard, and several men dusted the ground he approached and walked on. He sat down at the famous people box, then said. "start the show!" Maestro twitched a little, then started the music. the three Italians began singing. Bond and Reiker got up, and began sneaking to the back stage. Kail and Palcide had reached the catwalks above the stage. They both slowly walked across. Then two of KANG's thugs came behind the two. "Shit!" Cursed Palicide. They ran across the catwalk and found an elevator. They ran in and Kail pressed the button for roof. Meanwhile, the Tenor's had finished the first song. Everyone clapped, then the music started up, and the hit Village People song, "In The Navy" started up. The three Tenors put on American sailor hats, and several people in American Sailor uniforms rode up on the platforms. Everyone in the audience stood up and began dancing. Irennie and Pussy got up and discoed. Kail and Palicide reached the roof, and saw KANG standing at the master controls. He switched the on button....
Inside the opera house, the audience clapped their hands along with the song, singing. "They want you! They want you! They want you as a new recruit!"
Bond and Reiker walked into the elevator. Soft muzak played while they waited. Bond tapped his foot impatiently. Reiker checked his watch, then the doors opened. They saw Palicide and Kail standing, looking over the edge of the building. Bond walked over to them to see what they....see. Millions of troops slowly marched towards the building. Bond looked up at the sky, and said. "Help me God!" Meanwhile, inside the opera house, The Pope got an E-mail from God. He looked at it. All it read was "In a minute...." Outside the opera house, Bond was looking over the edge in desperation. Suddenly, a bright flash appeared, and everything went silent....
END OF CHAPTER 19!
CH 20: That's the way, uh huh uh huh I like it.
the roof of the Sydney Opera House, Australia.
When the bright heavenly light disappeared, thousands of clones of Palicide (I told you they'd be back!) were standing around the opera house, armed with rifles, pistols, RPG launchers, and grenades. Then Bond received a short transmission on his watch. "I bought you 20 minutes, use them well..." He shrugged, then remembered what was going on. The four men pulled out their pistols and pointed them at KANG. He stood in front of the machine, smirking. Then Kail heard a gun click, he barely moved his eyes, and saw that Reiker Teraku was pointing two guns and the other three. "Put down your weapons!" Palicide looked at him and said. "Aww fuck man, that shit's just whack!" Bond, Kail, and Palicide put down their weapons. Reiker then walked over to KANG, and said. "It was easy as...." He thought for a moment. "I'm not sure, but when I know, I'll tell you." Then Reiker's smile quickly turned to a frown, he turned around and put two shells in KANG's head. "Too easy..." He said, while walking away. the other three picked up their weapons. Kail said. "Why'd you help us?" Teraku made a thoughtful expression, then said. "Cause, many years ago, in a galaxy far far away..." Bond rolled his eyes and ran up to the machine, along with Kail and Palicide. Reiker sighed and joined them. They played with all the buttons and knobs and dials, then Reiker pushed them away, and started working with the machine. Then he saw something. "Guys, this thing is rigged to blow in, 3 minutes, after the orders to his troops are final." Kail made a pissed expression, then kicked KANG repeatedly, and shouted while he kicked. "You SON OF A BITCH!" He kicked really hard in the ass. "I could have been at a BARBEQUE!!! AAH! UH!" He repeatedly kicked him in the face and chest. "God your an ugly mother fucker!" Then they turned around and began work on the machine. While they worked, KANG's body twitched slightly. Unfortunately, none of them noticed. He quickly regenerated his limbs, and stood up, he was about to strike Reiker in the back, when a bullet out of no where shot him in the hand. He turned around, as did everyone else. Smiley sat in his wheelchair, one barrel on the machine guns smoked slightly.
KANG looked at him, and Smiley stared directly at him. Then he did something no one considered possible. Smiley stood up out of his chair, and slowly began walking at KANG. He shouted, "KANG! This is between you, and me!" KANG then pulled out his gun so quickly not even Palicide in super German mode could have seen it. He fired several shots at him. Smiley leaned back, then turned to the side, dodging all the bullets. Then KANG said, "Now I know what your thinking. 'Did he fire 7 shots, or 8?' Well quite frankly, I don't know either!" KANG threw down his weapon, then put out his hand. He did a traditional "Come and get me" sign with his hand. Then he and Smiley engaged in combat. Meanwhile, inside the opera house, the song had ended and the Tenors began singing Night Fever. Irennie and Pussy realized that the boys had been gone a long time, and decided to look for them. While they were walking through the halls, #3 ambushed them. He did several combat poses, then faced the two women. Irennie looked at him with buring rage, then looked at Pussy. They both smirked, then punched #3 in the face, knocking him out cold! They stepped over him and walked into the elevator.
END OF CHAPTER 20!!!
CH 21: The Over Glorified Battle!
The roof of the opera house, Sydney.
KANG and Smiley stood ten feet apart from each other, panting heavily. KANG lunged at him. He hit Smiley in the chest, knocking the wind out of him. Smiley bent over, gasping for breath. KANG raised an arm for a final blow, when Kail tackled him. 005 grabbed the his gun, and smashed the butt of his gun against the back of KANG's head. the gun shattered into several pieces. "I know he was thick headed, but honestly!" Said Kail. Then KANG got up, and threw Kail through the air. He flew over the edge of the building. Kail reached out and grabbed a hanging metal pole, smashed out of the wall from the fight. He dangled (lets say) 156 feet above the ground. He looked down, crossed his eyes, then looked up. The pole was bending. Meanwhile, inside the opera house, the tenors sang jubilantly, unaware of what was happening out side. On the roof, the elevator doors opened, and Pussy saw Smiley being held up by KANG at his head, and Irennie saw Kail dangling over the edge of the Opera house. Irennie and Pussy looked at each other, then ran to their respective men. Meanwhile, Palicide, Bond, and Reiker worked feverishly at the control panel. Then Bond had a thought. "Palicide! Lets go look for Natalia, we can't read shit nor fuck of this panel!" Palicide looked at Reiker, then said. "Lets go!" They ran past KANG, and hopped in the elevator. When the door opened, #3 stood in it, with a black eye and swollen lip. "Bring it(drool) on!" Bond looked at him, then he and Palicide punched him in the face. Palicide picked him up, dragged him over to the edge of the opera house, and picked him up by his feet. He held #3 by one foot with one hand, his muscles straining under the weight of the man. "Tell me where Natalia is! Hurry, this is my weak arm!" #3 gasped and said. "She's one floor down, in the jail like cell!" Palicide smiled and dropped #3 into the river below. He fell, and before hitting the water, a shark jumped up and ate him. Bond looked over the edge. "Well...I have no witticism for that..." Palicide and Bond looked each other in the eye, then ran for the fire escape. Pussy ran at KANG at full speed, and punched him in the chest. when this had no effect, she swung her purse around at a high speed, and hit him in the head. A loud cracking sound was heard, and he spun around. KANG staggered away, his neck hanging limp, and his hand still attached to Smiley's head. Then he fell to the moat below, Pussy reached out to grab Smiley, but was too late. She watched as Smiley and KANG fell into the moat, KANG screaming "NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(gasp)-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Then they both hit the water. Meanwhile, Irennie was leaning over the other side of the opera house, trying to reach Kail. Then, when his pole suddenly snapped, she reached out and grabbed his arm. She pulled him up, and over the edge. They gasped for breath. Then they both started laughing. Meanwhile, Palicide and Bond had reached the prisoner block. They started checking the various cells. Then they heard some deep throated singing. "Nobody, knows, the trouble I've seen...Nobody knows, but Jesus..." Bond said. "Is that...?" Palicide shook his head. "It can't be!" They looked in the next cell, sure enough, it was Natalia. Palicide opened the door. She stood up. Palicide said. "Natalia! Is that really you?" She looked at him and said. "That depends on what you mean by the word, is." He thought for a moment. "uh...ARE that really you?" She smiled and said. "Of course I am! And I've really missed you!" They then embrace and kiss passionately. Then they ran out to the roof. Pussy looked over the edge with hope, then, when she was about to give up, she saw Smiley float to the surface. He climbed out of the moat, pulled out his Q-claw, and fired at the roof. It pulled him up quickly, and he landed next to Pussy. Bond started to say a witticism, but Smiley beat him to the catch. "Lovely day for a swim, aye?" They all laughed, then remembered something. REIKER?! They looked over their shoulders, and saw that he was hacking diligently. Bond runs over to him. "How long?" Teraku takes a moment to glance. "30 seconds! I'm fixing it I'm fixing it!" Then Natalia slowly got up, and walked over to the consol. She looked at it patiently. Then, when it hit 9 seconds, she reached over and flipped a switch. Everything stopped at 008 (Pali's call sign) seconds. Reiker looked at her and said. "What did you do?!" She smiled and said. "I turned it off, fuckwit." Across the country side, troop after troop of KANG's soldiers fell to the ground and melted into a puddle of Alka-Seltzer. They all sighed and did a group hug. Then they felt the ground shift a little. Then a slight rumble. Then Irennie's foot fell through a piece of the roof. They all looked at each other in fear, then screamed as the roof gave way, and they fell all the way and landed on top of the three tenors. After the dust settled, they looked at what had happened. Kail said loudly. "We can explain this...."
END OF CHAPTER 21!!!!
CH 22: The Wedding, Part Two.
MI6 headquarters, Great Britain, London.
The entire Krew, new and old, stood in front of M's desk. She gave a long drawn out speech that I frankly am not at liberty to discuss...it would bore you anyway. Palicide and Natalia got ready for doing the wedding again. At the church, everyone sat in the pews and waited patiently. Palicide stood at the front, with Bond as the best man. Kail, Irennie, Smiley, Reiker and Pussy sat in the front row, all of them weeping loudly. Then the music started up, and Natalia walked down the aisle, her father escorting her. When they reached the end, the priest began. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to whitness..." He rambled on for a while. Then when the two were saying the
mushy gushy stuff, Kail and Smiley cried louder, pissing the priest off...badly. He twitched a little, started to scream, the stifled it. He started to talk again. "Do you, Jacque Ceusteau Palicide, take-" He was cut off by a loud fart in the pews. He smiled lightly and crushed the bible in his hands into little pieces. A small amount of foam came out of his mouth. "That does it, the short short version! Do you!?" Palicide looked at Natalia, and said. "I do." Then he looked at Natalia. "DO YOU?!" She smiled at Palicide, "I do." He said "good, your married, kiss her! God I need a drink..." He walked off the alter, and Natalia and Palicide embraced in a passionate kiss. After the ceremony, the newly weds got into the shining Aston Martin. Moneypenny, Q, M, Tanner, Robinson, and even B was at the gathering. They drove off, and waved out the window. Once they were out of sight, everyone sighed and walked away. Bond and Smiley went to a bar, and Kail and Irennie went to his house to "hop on the good foot and do the bad thing" he said, and Reiker left, saying he had things to ponder.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
somewhere in Australia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inside KANG's devastated base (The Australian army bombed it) the Emperor stood facing away from our view. He was talking on a phone, and we can only here what he is saying. "Oh really? well, with an opportunity like that, you must take swift and decisive action. I know, it's not enough for revenge, but It's a start...good luck....my child...." He hung up, and started laughing manically, then turned around. His face was non-other than Reiker Teraku......
~~~~~~~~~~~
Our heroes
~~~~~~~~~~~
In the bar, Bond and Smiley discussed the various things that have occured, when suddenly, a man walked up to them. Bond saw that he had a gun, before the person could react, Bond had punched him in the face, and Smiley had busted a bar stool over his head. Then the man writhed on the ground, and became a Yorker alien, it's head brutally impaled. "It can't be...." Said Bond.
In the Aston Martin, Palicide had stopped the car at a ledge on the road, and made out with Natalia. Then he stopped and leaned over to his side to grab a cigarette. That's when a car roared around the corner, KANG sitting in the back seat and someone in the front. KANG wore a neck brace, but he could still lift his arms to fire his machine gun out the window. Several bullets hit the windshield. Palicide ducked down, and when KANG had driven away, he shouted "KANG!" and started to kick the car into gear. Then he looked over at Natalia. "Honey? It's KANG!" Then he reached over and flipped her face towards him. A single trail of blood trickled down her face. KANG had hit her in the head. Palicide looked at her in shock...then leaned over and held her in his arms. At about that moment, a police car had pulled up. The man got out and walked up to the window, and saw Palicide holding Natalia's head to his chest. The cop said. "Everything all right?" Palicide looked at him and said "Everythings fine...I have all the time in the world........"
THE END
final end song is, 'The Look Of Love"
Staring
Pierce Brosnan as James Bond
KANG as KANG
Captain Kail as John Kail
Palicide as Jacque Ceausteu Palicide
Smiley as Greg Smiley
Izabella Scorupco as Natalia Romarov-Palicide
Crystal Starz as Irennie Galore
Carole Bouquet as Pussy Galore
Reiker Teraku as himself
Judy Dench as M
Walls Of Jericho as B
Michael Kitchen as Tanner
Colin Salmon as Robinson
Lois Maxwell as MonnyPenny
Directed and filmed by Captain Kail
James Bond will return...