So Godzilla was be-bopping down the street in his sweet silver Escalade when he saw his best friend Jack Sparrow, that's right the Jack Sparrow. "I am a pirate" said Jack Sparrow with the swagger we all know Captain Jack Sparrow possesses when he says such witty one-liners. "Hop on in you big, bad bitch. Let's go get some motherfucking coffee" Godzilla chirped with a large grin plastered on his giant reptilian face. "Ok" replied Captain Jack Sparrow as he drunkenly stumbled toward the passenger door of the incredibly bitchin' silver Escalade. "Hit it like I hit my wife" said Jack Sparrow and Godzilla chuckled and kindly obliged as he was aware of Jack's numerous domestic violence offenses. Soon after, they arrived at the world famous Reester's coffee shop, known for having the best cup o' joe in town and also it's large amount of exposed asbestos. As they calmly and really cooly walked into the coffee shop they noticed the barista's name tag said "Tim Allen", though he bared no resemblance to the versatile comedic actor who cut his chops on the sitcom "Home Improvement" and can now be seen on ABC's hit comedy "Last Man Standing" on Fridays 8/7c. Captain Jack Sparrow leered at Tim Allen but not "Tim Allen" and gave him a hard slap across the bitter barista's face. "Let's play marbles you swashbuckling fuckbucket or I will burn this building to the ground" said Jack playfully because he is a fun loving pirate. Remember in "Pirates Of The Caribbean" when he stole that ship and tricked all those stuck up British people? Yeah, me too. What a great guy. Anyways, Tim Allen consented to Captain Jack Sparrow's request and the whole building was evacuated so a marble game for the record books could take place. Jack began. He got in his stance, squatted down low, and shot his marble at the other marble and scored the winning goal. The game was over, Jack had won. A wolfish grin overtook Jack's face as bent down to pick up one of his marbles. "You know what this means, Tim Allen" snarled Captain Jack Sparrow as he locked eyes with the frightened barista. "Now…you're marbles!" Jack screamed as he shot his marble straight at Tim Allen, who exploded in orgasmic fury. Suddenly, in the aftermath of this cataclysmic event, there appeared a famous Scottish chef who will be referred to as Jordan Hamsay. "What the bloody tit fucking Christ happened here!" yelled Jordan at the top of his very capable set of lungs. "I can explain everything" said Godzilla calmly as he shifted his cup of coffee from his left hand to his tail. Godzilla explained it all to the celebrity chef who clearly couldn't believe the restaurant could be managed so poorly. "You mean to tell me the barista stopped service to play a deathmatch game of marbles?" exclaimed Jordan who could not believe the state of this restaurant. "Yes" replied Godzilla. "I cannot believe the state of this restaurant!" an exasperated Mr. Hamsay yelled to no one in particular. "Well, what should we do?" said both Godzilla and Jack Sparrow in unison, which sounded like a combination of a Gospel choir and the Zapruder film. "I've got two words for you two chicken nuggets. Shut the place down!" yelled the celebrity chef as he pulled out a shotgun and ended his life. "Oh no!" shouted a clearly shaken Godzilla. "Jack, we've killed Tim Allen and driven Jordan Hamsay to suicide. What should we do?" "Nothing" Jack replied.
THE END