Relationship Therapy Over The Hellmouth
Xander's forehead thumped against the ancient pages of the antique book he'd spent the last half-hour trying to make any kind of sense from. He hadn't been very successful, like pretty much all of Giles's crusty old volumes the writing had been tiny, curly and with large sections of Latin. Xander had failed to find even a single mention of the Ascension, he'd been pretty hopeful about one chapter, but five minutes with a Latin dictionary had revealed 'assentator muris' meant flattering mouse, which didn't make any sense anyway.
His attention wasn't exactly focused on the task at hand either. It kept on wandering back to the factory, to the horrified expression on Cordelia's face, Cordelia falling through the stairs, Cordelia bleeding, Cordelia in hospital. Cordelia telling him to stay away from her. It made him feel ill.
It was pretty late; the library was empty apart from Xander himself. Giles had gone to his home to bring back some more books. Xander hadn't known that there were that many books in the whole world. And each one had it's own unique smell, a combination of old paper, dust, leather and in a few disturbing cases old dried blood. Xander hated the smell of Giles' books. There were some pretty foul things described within the smelly pages, things with more eyes than arms, things that didn't eat with their mouths, and perfectly innocent looking things that would bring you to a slow agonizing death.
Sort of like the math homework Xander was avoiding doing.
Xander shoved the book away from him. He could feel the beginnings of a headache forming in the back of his skull. Eighteen-year-old boys should stress about exams. Eighteen-year-old Xander was stressing about demons, Ascensions and the fact that he was an irredeemable fuck up. Exams were way down the list of things to worry about.
Piling up the books he'd been flicking through Xander rose from his chair and walked to the library's main desk, dumping the books there for Giles to put back in the office later with the rest of his ancient demonologies, medieval weaponry and little late book slips. Xander crossed his arms and rested them against the soft leather cover of the topmost book, then laying his head onto his arms. The library was silent, Buffy and Willow were at Buffy's house, doing the girly drowning sorrows in ice cream thing. Cordelia wasn't talking to any of them.
Something in Xander's chest ached and he buried his head further into his arms and let out a little groan. Life sucked, life had always sucked, but now life sucked extra hard like a vampire with dental problems. Xander could normally blame his problems on a wide range of things, his constantly arguing parents, the stupid teachers, demons, magics, massacres, the apocalypse… But this time it was his own stupid fault. And it hurt.
He pulled his head up off his arms when he heard the library door click.
"Hey Giles, there's nothin' in those books…" Xander began.
He trailed off. It wasn't Giles. It was Oz, stood silently just inside the library staring, face expressionless.
The sight piled a whole new feeling of guilt onto Xander's shoulders. He wasn't ready for this. Willow was the sweetest, most gentle, unassuming person Xander had ever met. He couldn't ever believe that she would be drawn into doing what they did; somehow it was his entire fault. It was his fault they'd been caught. His fault they'd done it at all. His fault that Oz and Cordelia hurt.
It was probably somehow his fault that the Mayor was insane and that vampires existed at all and that some people kicked puppies.
"Hey." Xander's voice was hesitant and he couldn't look the ever-impassive Oz in the eye. He squirmed uncomfortably. Oz just stared, and although there was no discernable expression on his face, Xander got the distinct impression he was being judged.
"Hi." There was a distinct hostile edge to Oz's voice.
Xander took a deep breath, better to get it all out now. "Oz, man- look, I know there's nothing I can say but…"
The even icy gaze of Oz's eyes made the words catch in Xander's throat.
"…but, uh… but…I'm really-"
"What was it about?" Oz's interrupting voice was as unnervingly calm as his expression. He started to walk across the floor toward Xander, eyes kept fixed on him.
"What?" Xander's brow knitted in confusion.
"You and Willow." Oz stopped still right in front of Xander, his stare broken for a second as his eyes flitted across Xander's face as though searching for something there.
"Me and Willow, I'm sorry man, we shouldn't have, I'm really sorry and-" Xander gabbled and rushed through his words, the way he always did when he was nervous, and damn was he nervous now.
"Why did you do it Xander?"
Oz's voice was deceptively steady, and as he spoke he moved even closer toward Xander, only increasing the claustrophobia that he was feeling. He wanted Oz to scream, and shout and punch him. Oz had punched him before when Xander didn't deserve it. Now he did deserve it, now he even wanted it, and all he was getting was questions.
"I don't understand." Xander pleaded. He wanted to just say sorry and get on with having Oz hate him forever. He'd always sucked at the sticky emotional parts. Vampires and demons he could just about face so long as he had a crossbow or at the very least a big rock, but guilt stuff he never could handle. Even when they were kids he hadn't been able to handle it when Willow had cried after he stole her Barbie. He'd hidden from her for a week.
"Was it love? Do you love each other?" As Oz spoke his impassive tone broke and Xander could hear the anger bubbling under the surface, it flashed in Oz's eyes as well. Despite the slight build there was something threatening in the way Oz was standing, something dangerous in his expression.
"It... it…"
"Are you in love with her?" Now Oz was definitely angry, his voice raised and his breathing quick. "Have you two been in love this entire time?"
It was the most emotion Xander had ever heard out of Oz, and it made his head swim with confusion and guilt, so in true Xander Harris fashion he just blurted out the first thing that came into his head.
"I don't know! I don't know what it was about!"
Oz took another step forward so they were stood with no space in between them, feet and chests touching, Oz's gaze turned upwards to meet Xander's.
"Was it about sex?" Oz said suddenly leaning forward, moving his head so that his nose and cheekbone were pressed into the crook of Xander's neck. Xander froze immediately at the sensation of cool flesh pressed against his skin.
"Was it?" Oz questioned. Xander could actually feel his breath skimming across Xander's neck as he spoke. "Is that why you were together?" Oz's voice didn't even sound angry any more, if anything it sounded almost melodic.
"I… I… it…" Xander found that he'd lost all control over his vocal chords. The rest of his body didn't appear to be responding either.
"Was it?" Oz murmured. His mouth was right by Xander's ear; if he wanted to he could put out his tongue and lick it.
Which was a terrible thought that Xander should not be having.
"Oz, man, we never, I wouldn't, we never even got close to…" Xander let the sentence trail off; knowing Oz would comprehend was he was trying to say.
"I know." Oz didn't move, the tickle of warm breath still fluttering over Xander's ear with every breath.
"Oh. Okay, so you know that's it's not… about… you know... about…"
"Sex."
"Yeah." Xander choked out.
"Doesn't mean anything". Softly, barely perceptibly, Oz lips touched Xander's neck. Xander tried to respond but found that his vocal chords had totally given up the ghost. Oz moved his head back so that he could look Xander in the eye, face still close, so close that just a little lean upwards would have had their mouths touching.
"Sex can mean a lot. Did you do it for the thrill? Because you were bored? Because it was something that you shouldn't?" Oz murmured, eyes never even blinking. Xander paused, mouth gaping, scrabbling for words. Before he could find any however Oz tilted his head and crushed their mouths together.
Xander had never kissed a guy. He'd occasionally considered it, but usually concentrated his thoughts on the Playboy centrefold to distract himself and avoid any unwanted personal crisis. The little that he had thought about however had led him to the conclusion that kissing a guy would be weird in some indescribable way, there would be something not right and very different. Like chocolate pizza. Chocolate was fine, pizza was fine, but together, not fine. Guys were fine, kissing was fine, but like the choc pizza, kissing guys would result in major clashage. Chocolate pizza was strictly only to be eaten by people like Larry who could appreciate it.
But kissing Oz wasn't like that. Xander didn't suddenly feel girly and limp wristed, or repelled and off-put. It was a lot like kissing a girl, but also very different from kissing a girl. There was a lot less softness and no floral smell from fancy shampoo.
However, just like kissing a girl Xander thought it was sort of hot. Unlike kissing a girl though, Xander was sort of horrified that he found it so. He pulled back.
"Oz man, I–"
"Shut up" Oz leaned forward and crushed their mouths together again.
Oz's teeth grazed Xander's tongue and lips slightly, nowhere near enough to hurt, but more than enough to be hot. Neither Willow nor Cordelia kissed like that. Did girls kiss like that at all? Faith probably did Xander thought; she seemed the type to really be into that sort of thing. She probably left bruises.
Oz's hands had wandered around to lie clutching at Xander's hips, and Xander found his own drifting of their own accord around Oz's waist, flattening at the small of his back and drawing him in so their bodies were pressed tightly together. Xander's hormones had pretty much total control of his body, and not for the first time Xander cursed being eighteen.
Oz drew his mouth back and pressed his forehead against Xander's.
"Are you enjoying this?" He questioned, voice a breathy whisper.
"Uh…" Xander didn't get much further because Oz had pressed their mouths back together. Xander's hands moved to grab Oz by his arms, and god, there were proper muscles on those arms, and Oz's hands gripped tightly, and however slim his waist and short his stature there was no escaping his masculinity. Xander was making out with a guy, with Oz,with Willow's boyfriend.
Xander moved his hands from Oz's waist and put them on his shoulders, firmly pushing back so they were separated. He found he was slightly out of breath, and judging from the rapid rise and fall of his chest he guessed Oz was too.
"We… this is wrong." Xander said, still gulping in air.
Oz moved his hands so that each gripped one of Xander wrists and he moved in closer steadily staring Xander in the eyes.
"Yeah, it's wrong," he said quietly, "it's wrong and we shouldn't but it's still good isn't it?"
The punctuate his point Oz leaned up and pecked Xander on the lips.
"Isn't it?"
Xander gaped for a second before swallowing and finally forcing the words out. "Yeah. It is."
Oz gazed unblinkingly at Xander. "So what does it matter if it's wrong?" With that he kissed Xander again, pressing their open mouths together. And again something in Xander's brain overrode the higher thinking levels and ordered Xander's hands to hook under Oz's arms and pull him upwards for better access.
This time it was Oz who finally stopped it, pulling his lips away, skin flushed and chest heaving. He pressed his forehead to Xander's so their faces were mere centimetres away. With the kissing over the sensible, shocked part of Xander's brain reasserted itself screaming and shouting.
"It's still wrong. Even if… it's. Well. A nice feeling because… Cordelia." Xander stuttered.
For a moment Xander thought he saw a look of contempt cross Oz's face in a flicker of the eyes and a twitch of the mouth. It was fleeting and so unbelievably un-Ozlike that Xander didn't know whether he was seeing things.
"Now you worry about Cordelia?" Oz said, bitterness in his voice.
Suddenly, finally, light dawned in Xander's mind and he understood.
"Oz man, me and Willow, it wasn't like this."
"How was it then?" Oz said, voice low.
"It was… like. I love her. I got confused. It sorta got mixed up with being in love in my head. And… I just noticed her y'know? How special she was, how she was totally perfect for me. Except that she's not. She's perfect as my best friend. I didn't want her because I wanted to… y'know. I wanted her because she was Willow. Not as a bit of fun or anything like that I swear."
Finally Oz looked away towards his feet, processing the information.
"We shouldn't have done it, and it was wrong. But, it wasn't just cause it felt good. She… she didn't just lie to you for a cheap thrill. And, if she feels like I do, she regrets it so much. She's Willow, she would never want to hurt you."
Oz paused before replying, and before he did he took a deep breath.
"Okay."
Xander blinked. "Okay? You're okay? Things are okay?"
Oz shrugged. "Yeah, things are okay."
"Just like that?"
"I've got a lot of thinking to do. But this helped. Thanks man."
Xander blinked again, it didn't help. "So, we pretty much made out, and now everything's okay."
"Yeah."
"What? I mean… the making out part. I'm not…"
Oz gave him a look.
"No I'm not. Well. Maybe I am. Just a little bit. A bit! A smidge. A tiny smidge. The tiniest smidge. So don't think that… wait! What about you! You started with the kissage. Are you… y'know…?"
Oz smiled a very small amused smile. It made Xander feel less like things had suddenly taken a trip to the Twilight Zone, although he was definitely still in major wiggins territory.
"A bit."
"A bit?" Xander questioned.
"Yeah."
"Oh." Xander paused and tried not to fidget. "You ever… made with the lip action with a guy before?"
Oz shrugged. "Devon."
Xander digested this. He could believe it; Devon seemed like the sort of guy who wouldn't be too fussy where he got his kicks, as long as kicks were gotten.
"Oh. So we're cool?"
"Yeah we're cool."
"You kissed me because you wanted to know if I was a total man-slut who used Willow."
"Yeah. Pretty much."
"You could have just asked."
Oz shrugged. "Maybe."
"Not that it wasn't nice. Because it was, you're good. With the lips, and the tongue. And the kissing in general. But I'm not a man-slut, so I wouldn't… because of things. Those things being of a Willow nature. Not that I'm eyeing you up! I just didn't want to imply that you had no… talent. Talent? Why did I say that? Please tell me to shut up."
"Shut up Xander."
"Thanks."
There was a pause filled with awkwardness. Awkwardness for Xander at least, Oz looked unphased as if it was everyday that he swapped spit with his girlfriend's best-friend.
"So" Xander said eventually. "We're not going to tell Willow right? Because that would not be of the good."
Oz smiled. "No, I don't think we should tell Willow."
"Right, because you could probably get away with kissing other people. You're entitled. It's not like anyone can complain right? There would probably be a raising of eyebrows, but no complaints. But me? I'm like Judas already. So, you promise?"
"I promise."
"Promise what?"
Giles let the library door swing shut behind him as he walked in, some books under his arm.
"Nothing!" Xander said quickly, aware that he was radiating an aura of guilt. There was probably some sign that was invisible to him, hanging over his head reading 'I kissed Oz! I'm a slut!'.
"I was just promising Xander that I'd help you do research tomorrow." Oz's voice was perfectly pitched. He was a good liar.
"Oh well, thank-you. We could certainly do with the help. But I think you've forgotten, it's full-moon tomorrow."
"In a few days then. See you." Oz started toward the door.
"Yeah. See you man! Uh…" Xander called out as Oz was walking through the doors. Oz turned and nodded before vanishing from sight.
"So, did you find anything useful?" Giles asked, flicking through a book.
"What?"
"Anything useful. In the books."
"Books?"
"Yes Xander. The books. The ones I left you researching an hour ago." Giles sounded exasperated.
"Oh! The books! Yes, I mean no. No. Nothing."
"Nothing."
"Yeah, nothing."
Giles gave him a patented Giles Look of Disapproval. "Xander I really think that you should go home and get some sleep. You look like you could do with it."
Xander breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't much like the idea of staying in the library. "Good idea. See ya tomorrow."
He grabbed his bag and happily made his escape, ignoring Giles when he rolled his eyes. The library doors swung shut behind him and he was halfway down the corridor when he heard Oz's voice.
"Need a ride home?"
When he turned he saw Oz lent against the wall, hidden behind some lockers.
Xander grinned, he couldn't help it. "Yeah. Please."
…
THE END.