This is a companion piece to After the End, it shows the Doctors thoughts after Journeys End. They can be read in any order.
Hope you enjoy
xxx
He glanced around his ship which just hours earlier had been full. He walked around the controls and he could still make out their images; Jack, Martha, Sarah Jane, Mickey, Jackie, Donna… and Rose. The vision of her lingered longest, like it was burnt into his mind. He missed her already, how could he face a whole lifetime knowing that he would never see her again? Knowing that she was still out there, with him.
He swallowed the lump in his throat, she was out there now living a life with his alter-ego. If he had to name the overwhelming feeling in the pit of his stomach he would almost call it jealousy. An ugly emotion at the best of times, but how can he resent a man who was basically himself? He had given him to her, the greatest gift he could offer her, the closest thing to himself. But now here he was, alone. He had lost everyone in such a short space of time, Donna was gone with no memory of him, everyone else had lives to lead. And Rose, she was living a life he could only dream of, she could get married, have children, grow old with someone she loves.
It was a life he didn't even know he had wanted, he enjoyed the company of his friends, but until her he had never needed them. She gave him strength, and faith, and now he would never see her again, never know what it was like to have her as his own. He had felt both of his hearts break when she kissed him, when he kissed her, his human copy was able to show her everything he felt for her in a way that he could not.
"They're my feelings, my memories." His voice echoed in the empty hollow that was his ship. At that moment in time he hated his other self, hated that he got to live the life that he wanted while he was left to live out the rest of his considerably longer life alone. He was nothing but a pale imitation, and he had left him to live the life that should be his.
He was also angry at her. That was the worst feeling, it made him mad at himself. He knew he shouldn't blame her, it wasn't like he had given her a choice. Yet part of him couldn't forgive the ease with which she had let him go. With three words, he knew exactly what the impostor had said to her, with three words she had turned her back on him. And now she was gone forever. He should have said it, should have told her what he knew she needed to hear, but there were so many reasons why he couldn't.
"I love you." The scariest words in the English language. He had come close to telling her once, once in all the time he had been with her. Now there was another version of him that got to tell her everyday. He swallowed the rising bile in his throat as he thought of the two of them together. "I've brought this on myself." He once again spoke to the silence of his ship, "So why is this so hard?" He didn't expect an answer, there was no one left to share in his grief.
He thought back to that moment on that God forsaken beach when she had demanded of him that he reveal to her the words he found so hard. The complete devastation on her face as she realised that he was leaving her there, with no hope of ever seeing him again. He knew then that he could in some small measure alleviate her pain, and instead he had chosen to disregard his heart to instead listen to his head. "Does it need saying?" He had asked. Of course it did, but would he be able to live his life after saying those words aloud? He had no choice but to leave her there, because his other self needed her more than even he did, and if he had said those words aloud there was no certainty that he would have been able to be so noble.
Instead he handed the reins over to his other self entrusting to him the life that should rightly have been his own. Now here he was, alone again, his future uncertain. There was only one thing he was sure of going forward, he was alone, and that was harder now than it had ever been in his long life.