Twilight Ending Parody.
"Bella, I know you want my bod," said Edward, pushing Bella away as she tried un-doing his shirt, "But, it isn't going to work. It never will."
"But, Edward, I don't care if it's dangerous, I just –"
"No." Edward cut her off. "Look, I know I said I didn't want to 'do' you because it's dangerous, but to tell you the truth, I just don't think I can." He turned away from Bella and lowered his head. "Bella, I'm gay."
…
Running
towards the cliff in LaPush, Bella was crying and stumbling. She was
stumbling more than usual, probably from the beer she drank at
Edwards' house to give her more courage to lose her virginity to him.
Just as she was about ready to throw herself off the cliff, Jacob
grabbed her and spun her around. "God, you smell bad…drinking
again?"
Bella nodded. "I spilled a little of the first
one on myself because Emmett put cat piss in it. I spit it out all
over my shirt. He just laughed. I would have changed, but I figured I
wouldn't be wearing a shirt much longer."
She
sniffed. "Edward said he's gay."
"You finally found
out, eh?" Jacob sighed.
"You knew…?" Bella asked, stunned.
"It
doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm a big man, Bella. In more
ways than one. And I want your bod, but you only want what you can't
have," he coughed Edwards' name, "So I don't know what to
do anymore. I love you and could give you everything. I mean
everything. And yet all you want is that damned, gay vampire."
Jacob looked into Bella's eyes."
"You know I'm slutty,
Jacob. I'd sleep with you if you wanted me to, but nothing more. I
want Edward because like you said, I want what I can't have."
Jacob
frowned. "Fine, be a bitch. I'm sure there's someone out there
who can appreciate an honest, real relationship and sees more to it
than just sex."
"That…that was beautiful." Came
Edwards' tear-filled voice from behind. He ran to Jacob and hugged
him. He lingered in Jacob's arms for a moment before pulling
back.
"You think so?" Jacob asked.
Edward nodded.
"I've
never noticed how good your cold skin feels on my warm skin."
Jacob whispered, just loud enough for Bella to barely hear.
"I
know." Edward whispered back. They stared into each others eyes
for a moment. "May I?" Edward asked, pointing at Bella.
"Please." Jacob said.
Just then, Edward lunged on Bella who started screaming with delight. "Oh, finally!" She wrapped her arms around Edward, who pushed her head hard onto the ground they were now laying on.
He moved
his lips over her neck. "Found it." He said, with an evil
edge to his voice. He bit down hard, sucking up Bella's blood until
she lay there, completely dead.
He smiled up at Jacob, blood all
over his face, "Your turn."
Jacob pounced on Bella and
began eating her remains. "Yum." He said between bites.
As
they threw the remaining scraps of Bella over the cliff, into the
water, Edward grabbed Jacob's hands. "We're finished.
Here."
Jacob's eyebrows rose. "Wanna come back to my
place?" No one's home." Jacob winked.
"I'd love
that." Edward grinned.
They walked to Jacobs' house, hand in
hand, with huge smiles on their faces.