A Fool's Guide To The Attack On Titan Main Characters

Name: Eren Jaeger

Species: Human/Titan/Clueless and overdramatic idiot with an inborn desire to die a horrible death with anger issues

Gender: Male

Age: Somewhere in his teens

Status: Alive (Barely)

Character Description: This boy is prone to take the form of a giant naked guy when he panics and thus is very dangerous. Do not make him panic unless you want to see a giant guy with no clothes run through the streets and step on innocent people. Also try not to diss the Scouts while in his hearing range, because he may throw a hissy fit and Mikasa will have to throw him at a wall again (Or throw a wall at him. She seems to be capable of anything while on steroids). Eren also seems to give off a scent or something that makes every Titan within a fifty-mile radius want to kill him in a terrible way and is so accident prone Band-Aids were probably invented to stop him from dying. Apparently he's gay, but according to the same source of information he has a thing for Armin, so I'm not sure.

Likes: Killing Titans (In his dreams).

Hates: Being coddled (He probably needs coddling to survive his teens, that poor kid).

Deepest, Darkest Fears: Levi's boots.

What I Would Do If I Was God In That World: I would set him up for a blind date with the Titan that ate his mom and watch him run away like Hannes did. See if he still blames that guy for saving his life and running away after that.

Name: Mikasa Ackermann

Species: Human/Some sort of killing machine

Gender: Female

Age: Somewhere in her teens

Status: Yep. As long as you can see that annoyed look on Eren's face, you know she's alive.

Character Description: Silent and deadly (No, not like a fart, you idiot), the angriest mother hen since chickens were invented. Anyone who harms her beloved Eren will die a grisly death at her wrath (Apparently that only extends to Titans, because Levi is still alive and cleaning, though his broken leg is kinda her fault). She doesn't really seem to care for Armin, despite the fact that Armin is one of her oldest friends. Apparently Armin doesn't count as family for her the way Eren does (She's going to have to get past all of Eren's other suitors if she wants to become family with him).

Likes: Eren. Eren. Eren. And Eren. Oh, don't forget the steroids.

Hates: Titans. And Levi. Generally anything that hurts beloved Eren dear.

Deepest, Darkest Fears: Rejection by Eren.

What I Would Do If I Was God In That World: Make Eren play spin the bottle and watch as Mikasa drifts into a homicidal rage.

Name: Armin Arlert/Arlelt (Depends on which version of the Anime/Manga you watched/read)

Species: Definitely Human.

Gender: I'm still not sure.

Age: Somewhere in his/her teens

Status: Gender-changed

Character Description: The poster boy (poster girl? Argh!) for gender change. Pretty sure he's a boy. Is pretty smart in ways. Titans seem to ignore him for some unknown reason, maybe because he always sticks close to Eren and Eren gets most of the eaten-by-Titan action instead. He can scream at such a high pitch the Sydney Opera House would be on him in moments if he really existed. Apparently he's gay, but I don't know how that works if he's hermaphrodite. Beats me how a girl can be gay (do you mean to say lesbian?).

Likes: Plotting against enemies.

Hates: Being plotted against by enemies.

Deepest, Darkest Fears: Being eaten by a Titan before Eren can witness his tragic death.

What I Would Do If I Was God In That World: Set him up as an opera star.

Name: Levi Ackermann

Species: Some sort of very short subterranean elf cross very dangerous janitor

Gender: Male

Age: No one really knows

Status: Alive and cleaning (Not for long if the Ereri fans keep insisting he and Eren spoon. He'll most likely commit suicide)

Character Description: The very reason stilts were invented (Though if you say that to his face you're going to have a funeral). Dedicated to slay every Titan and banish every speck of dust to Hell, we have the shortest killing machine in midget history. The champion of cleaning products and the reason half of the Attack On Titan fandom is now gay, he will cut down all Titans who stand in his way- and some who are not standing in his way but were simply unfortunate enough to remind him of his small stature. Apparently he is also gay, but I doubt any sort of male- or female, would be able to put up with his obsessive cleaning and over-excessive tea-drinking. Also, rumour has it that he has a very good singing voice. Why he needs a good singing voice to kill Titans I have no idea.

Likes: Flying around on a zip-line and slicing things to ribbons while appearing to be extreme cool. Calmly drinking tea while someone transforms into a Titan behind him.

Hates: Anything that hadn't been vigorously cleaned the day before. Probably why he kicked Eren's face in (The poor boy mustn't have had a bath in weeks).

Deepest, Darkest Fears: Running out of tea while on duty/Returning home to find out that his friends had thrown a party in his house and left a mess. Oh wait, excuse me. he doesn't have friends.

What I Would Do If I Was God In That World: Lock him in a room with the Armoured Titan, the Colossal Titan, and the Female Titan and see who is left alive come morning. Then set him up on a blind date with Mikasa and watch him try to figure out whether Mikasa is his long-lost sister or not and whether he was willing to risk dating someone who could be potentially related to him (Instead of making out with his broom, that is).

Name: Erwin Smith

Species: Mostly Eyebrows

Gender: Male

Age: Somewhere in his thirties/forties

Status: Alive (Goody. I'm going to enjoy watching him die horribly)

Character Description: If Santa Claus' giant beard was transformed into giant eyebrows instead, Erwin would be mistaken for Santa on a regular occasion. Apparently prophetic with his supernatural powers of deduction, he could tell you when there is a giant homicidal naked lady on the loose and that you need to refuel on gas if you wanted to kill her to save your worthless protégé and his overdramatic girlfriend. Of course, he doesn't think twice about slamming your face into the concrete or loosing two potentially dangerous giants with no clothes inside a city built to defend against potentially dangerous giants with no clothes, killing lots of people in the process as they stomp around the said city in a retarded game of tag. Also rumoured to be gay with a preference for very short midgets (Everyone in this story seems to be gay with a preference for very short midgets).

Likes: Plotting behind people's backs. Leading homicidal monsters into the human population. Giving great speeches about how humanity is doomed.

Hates: People dissing his gorgeous eyebrows.

Deepest, Darkest Fears: People figuring out his preference for very short midgets. Rejection by the very short midget.

What I Would Do If I Was God In That World: Shave his eyebrows while he's asleep and laugh hysterically as the his soldiers fail to recognise him next morning.

Name: Zoë Hange/Hanji

Species: The sort of animal that escapes from mental asylums the most.

Gender: Female

Status: Alive, but not for long if Levi discovers her theft from his private stash of Windex

Character Description: This woman has single-handedly coined the term 'Mad Scientist'. Responsible for the deaths of over a hundred cadets via killing off of the brain cells with her 42-hour long speeches about why Titans lack reproductive organs. She's crazy as a dingbat (I have no idea what a dingbat is) and is as mentally retarded as a mutated goldfish- which is precisely why I like her. Also... Yeah, you guessed it. Apparently attracted to very short midgets. You shouldn't be surprised by now. She isn't gay like the other fifty people. Not unless someone had a gender-change I wasn't aware of (Wait... Hange, what are you doing? What the- ARGGHH MY EYES!).

Likes: Creepily staring at chained-up Titans. Creepily staring at non-chained-up Titans. Creepily staring at people who potentially possess the power to transform into Titans. Giving 42-hour lectures about creepily staring at Titans. Being forcibly knocked out and bathed by very short midgets who can't stand the sight of dirt (Thus the reason she makes a point of never cleaning herself).

Hates: Seeing a dead Titan (Although she mass-murders them on a regular basis). Cleaning up after herself, and thus the reason very short (And hygienic) midgets don't like her.

Deepest, Darkest Fears: Running out of lab rats- sorry, people to test strange, unsafe concoctions on.

What I Would Do If I Was God In That World: Take away her glasses and watch her mistake Levi for Eren and die an early death (At the best of times I can't tell them apart myself... Should have gone to SpecSavers).

You don't need to worry. I do actually know that Eren's not a whiny kid, Mikasa is pretty awesome and Armin is a boy. I also know that Levi doesn't really make out with his broom (Do I, though?), Erwin is cool, and Hange/Hanji is... well, crazy. And that not everyone is obsessed with very short midgets (Um... I don't really know that).

Here's a little story I simply felt like writing after a certain episode:

Unspeakable Things

"Did they put you through mental anguish? Did they run cruel tests on you? Did they... did they do unspeakable things to you?" Mikasa says frantically while checking Eren up and down to make sure he wasn't hiding any horrible scars. Armin watches on, amused, as Eren groans theatrically at Mikasa's mothering.

"No... no one did unspeakable things to me." Eren says in exasperation. Then he pauses a bit, and continues:"Though... about the captain..."

"That pipsqueak went too far." Mikasa mutters darkly. "He will pay for what he did." She speaks as she tugs Eren's left sleeve up to check for any injuries presumably afflicted by the aforementioned pipsqueak.

Eren clears his throat awkwardly. "That wasn't what I meant. I think... I think I want to do unspeakable things to him, and it feels strange."

Mikasa scowls as Armin's eyes widen slowly in realisation. "Of course you do. I'd want to run someone through with a hot poker and tip his insides out if they did the same thing to me."

Armin stifles a giggle.

Eren's big eyes turned even bigger. "No! That wasn't it. I mean to say, I think I'm gay now."

Mikasa suddenly tugs Eren's sleeve down sharply, eliciting a yelp of pain as a button scraped across his skin. "I see..." Mikasa says, eyes narrowing. She suddenly walks off in a certain direction towards a certain tiny captain currently tending to his horse. Eren tracks her trajectory with his aquamarine orbs. "Mikasa!" he calls out. "What are you doing?!"

"I'm going to smack that tiny cleanfreak into the dirt- I mean discuss your relationship with him and teach him a lesson to not touch the things that belong to me- I mean have a nice chat with him about the fact he kicked your face in." Mikasa growls back. Eren is suddenly very, very afraid for his life and his midget. He does admit though, Mikasa looks so cute when she's angry. Perhaps he isn't completely gay?

"Hoo boy." Armin whispers to himself gleefully. "I get a front seat ticket to watching the Ackermanns have a family spat and do unspeakable things to Eren at the same time."

"What?" Eren says distractedly as he watches Mikasa empty a tea cup over Levi's head and feign innocence. It was ridiculously easy, considering the tiny captain's height. "You say you want to introduce your girlfriend to me sometime?"

In the background, a dripping wet midget shoots Mikasa a very cold stare as Mikasa grins and says:"Oops."

"I didn't know you were lesbian, Armin." Eren continues.

"For the hundredth time, Eren!" Armin cries out, attracting some attention. "I. Am. Male!"

Eren smells the scent of air refreshener and spilled tea just before a pair of slightly wet arms grab him from behind and hold him in a tight embrace.

"Oops" Levi says, smirking at Mikasa's outraged expression. Then the captain strolls off casually, leaving a very confused (And blushing) Eren and Mikasa looking like she was about to start a killing spree. Armin slowly edges away from the scene, planning to escape before Mikasa starts ripping limbs off.

Mikasa darts at Eren and hugs him. "I will never, ever let that ridiculously short bastard touch you ever again, Eren." She cooes, stroking Eren's hair.

"Um... okay..." Eren mumbles. He isn't sure whether he's glad or not. What's with everyone hugging him these days, anyway?

This is just random fancrap. Ignore it. I don't think Eren's gay, anyhow.