Idioticonion made me. Also, I fail at slash.

Disclaimer: I don't own How I Met Your Mother.

One for the Team

Ted was kind of looking forward to a night alone.

Robin was out with one of her friends who Ted didn't know, Lily and Marshall were having dinner, and Barney was doing God knows what. But that didn't bother him. He hadn't had a night in for a while. He'd just watch a movie, eat some junk food, and then go straight to bed.

That had been the plan, anyway.

Ted was just trying to pick out which movie he wanted to watch when his phone rang. He rolled his eyes and answered.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, Ted!" It was Barney. "Listen, I need you to come over to my place. I have a plan. And dress nice."

"What..." But then Barney hung up on him.

Ted shook his head. So much for a quiet night in.

* * *

When Barney opened the door to let Ted in, he shook his head.

"I told you to dress nice!"

"Why?" Ted went into the apartment. "What do you have in mind?"

"OK, so remember that time we went to a gay bar with James?"

"Yeah. And?"

"Well, I've figured something out. Girls like guys who are sensitive. They also like guys who are unattainable. And they like guys who are well-groomed."

"What does this have to do with a gay bar?" Ted asked, not quite sure if he wanted to know the answer.

"Ted. Work with me. Who are sensitive, unattainable, and well-groomed?"

"I don't know."

"Gay guys!" Barney rolled his eyes, as if this all should've been perfectly obvious from the start. "So, what we do is, we hang out together at a gay bar. Girls will assume that we're together. Then they'll practically be flinging their bras at us."

"You could get bras thrown at you without pretending to be gay."

"But that's the great thing. We don't even have to pretend. All we have to do is stand there, and their minds will fill in the blanks."

"What I meant was, why do you keep on doing this? First there was the lesbian plan, and then the old man makeup, and then that stupid bingo thing, and now this. Whatever happened to telling them that you were leaving for a different country the next morning?"

"Oh, Ted," said Barney. "You have no sense of adventure." He looked Ted up and down. "It's a good thing you spend so much time on your hair. You don't dress the part."

"First of all, I don't spend that much time on my hair. Second of all, my clothes are fine. Third of all, I don't look gay because I'm not gay! Besides, you have a gay brother. Don't you see how ridiculous this is?"

"Oh, James recommended it to me," Barney said, nonchalantly. "Apparently he got way more women hitting on him after he came out. Now that he's both gay and married, apparently he's irresistible." Ted couldn't believe it. How could... why...

"Come on, Ted," Barney said. "We'd better get there before the girls get tired of buying their own drinks."

* * *

"So, you guys are going out?" a blonde girl asked Barney. Barney flung an arm around Ted's shoulders.

"We're more like best friends. Isn't that right, Ted?"

Ted nodded, painfully.

"That is so sweet!" the girl said. "I have nothing but admiration for your lifestyle, by the way."

Barney was about to say something when the girl got dragged away by her friends. Quite violently, as well.

"Damn it!" That was the fourth girl he'd barely begun talking to. "These girls. Why can't they stay for the long haul?"

"Because girls get bored when they aren't constantly being hit on and could you please stop touching me?"

"Right." But Barney didn't remove his arm. "I don't get it. Unobtainable, well-groomed, sensitive... why aren't we surrounded by chicks?"

"Girls are weird. They see gay guys as cute, but like puppies. 'I want to give you a hug', not 'I want to do unspeakable things to you'."

"How do you know?"

"I was a philosophy major for three months in college. Bisexual experimentation was practically a credit."

Well, that was kind of a lie. Ted had only ever kissed one guy, and he barely even remembered it. But at least it got Barney to take him arm off of him.

Barney and Ted stood there for a while, not saying anything. Barney's eyes skimmed the floor. Then he did a double-take the likes of which Ted hadn't seen outside of Looney Toons.

"Oh, crap."

"What?"

"It's Jane Ferry. She went from the hot side of the scale to the crazy side in about two seconds."

"What happened?" Ted asked.

"She caught me in the preliminary stages of a tricycle."

Ted watched as the red-haired girl grabbed the wrist of the friend she was with and pointed at Barney. They talked to each other. And an expression of pure dread covered Barney's face.

"Oh, crap, she's coming over," Barney said. He turned to Ted and awkwardly placed a hand on his neck. Ted's skin came up in goose bumps. His first instinct was to push Barney away, he was in Ted's personal space, no way was he going to do this. But then he realized something.

"I'm going to have to jump on the man-grenade, aren't I?"

"You better believe it," Barney said, and then pressed his mouth against Ted's.

Barney's stubble was scratching against Ted, and it felt weird. That was the only way to describe the experience. Ted was used to kissing women, and the natural give-and-take of it. But here there was only pressure; there was no room to yield.

Barney's hands were on his neck, and somehow Ted's hand was pressed against his chest. This made things even weirder – he was supposed to be kissing things with breasts in that area. It was impossible to imagine that Barney was a girl. He was making every move here – now he was trying to get some tongue in, but Ted's lips were not budging.

But the weirdest thing was that Barney wasn't exactly bad at this. And that Ted didn't want to push him away.

"Oh my God, Barney?" Jane said. Barney pulled away from Ted, leaving him a mess of confusion and shameful arousal.

"Hi, Jane!" said Barney. "I didn't see you."

"Wow," Jane said. "So this is..."

"Ted."

"Ah. Well, this is my new girlfriend, Melissa." The girl she had brought with her waved.

"Oh," Barney said. "Oh." He laughed, awkwardly. "Small world, huh?"

* * *

"I ruined men for her," Barney said, later, after a few drinks. "Me. Isn't that great?"

"Barney, for the last time, shut up."

"Give me five." He raised a hand. Ted glared at him, and Barney put his hand down.

"So, we'll finish this drink, go home, and pretend that this night never happened," Ted said. "Deal?"

"Sounds like a plan," said Barney, as he signaled for another scotch.