WARNING: The following fanfic contains French swear words. If you shout them at your parents, they may not know how to respond. The limit is your own imagination!
Chapter 1
Bubbling Birthday Bonanza
By: I Write Big
Paris is considered by the world to be the City of Love. To local Parisians, it's home. To Marinette... it's hell.
The blue-haired girl woke up screaming and ran from her phone, again fearing the alarm was some sort of bomb. In her hasty escape, she tripped down the stairs and knocked over her last intact mannequin.
Relieved that it hadn't broken in half like the others, Marinette tiptoed her way to her safe chair and swiveled to her computer.
"Happy birthday, Adrien," she whimpered to her wallpaper of the famous model. She got lost in his emerald eyes and leaned in for a kiss. Her computer didn't appreciate being objectified like that and promptly electrocuted her.
"I'm not having a birthday party today, am I, maid?" Adrien asked wiping his mouth of his birthday breakfast of liverwurst and escargot.
"You've never had a birthday party," Nathalie said, "and I'm not the maid. You fired all the maids."
"None of them loved me enough," he reasoned.
"Adrien, for the last time, your father loves you very much," Nathalie massaged her forehead. "He just prefers to work 24 hours a day, 364 days a year."
"364? What does he do on the 365th day?"
"He sets aside one day of the year to do absolutely nothing," she informed.
"I could do that!"
"Sorry, Adrien, spending time with you would be considered doing something," apologized Nathalie and left the lonely birthday boy.
The lunch bell rang across the yard. "Nino, what is a birthday party like?" Adrien inquired, watching his lower-middle class friend blow bubbles.
"Oh, they're great, dude. They're a time to let loose, have fun, and get gifts."
"Gifts? Do you mean like several thousand dollars in shopping money or three new smartphones?"
Nino stared wide-eyed at the billionaire. "Yes."
Nearby, Marinette was huddled behind a chest high wall. She hugged a small gift to her chest. "I can't do this! I can't do this! I can't do this!" she claimed.
Her friend Alya slapped her across the face and grabbed her by the shoulders. "You are going to do this!" Alya pulled out her smartphone. "And I'm gonna post what happens on one of my blogs."
Nino blew another bubble and continued, "Totally sucks that your dad, doesn't let you have a party. But, hey, you can totally come to mine next week. It'll just be the two of us, but feel free to bring one of those 'gifts' you were talking about."
"Oh I would, but father would never allow such social activity."
Nino's fist tightened around the bubble bottle until it cracked. He quickly wrapped his arm around Adrien's shoulder to hide it. "Tell you what, I'mma come over today and have a little convo with your pops. Ten minutes with me and you'll have all the parties you can give smartphones to… I mean go to."
"Which blog?" Marinette worried.
"Depends on what happens. Now get out there and get me views, girl." Alya shoved her out into the open.
Marinette froze up. She opened her mouth to speak, but all she could manage was a wave to her crush.
"Ooh, charades!" exclaimed Adrien. "I love this game. Let's see...Five words. First word sounds like… stitch!"
"Out of the way," a bitch named Chloe shoved Marinette off her feet. "Happy birthday, Adrien!" said the suddenly bubbly girl. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pecked his cheek.
"What is this? What's happening, Nino?" demanded Adrien, becoming more distressed.
"Dude, it's Paris, we kiss each other here all the time, it's alright."
"I don't know what this kissing is! Help!"
Alya was getting a closeup of Marinette struggling to climb out of the wet cement she had landed face first in. "Oh my God, this so going on my Epic Rejections Blog."
"A little help," Marinette reached out a soaked hand.
"I ain't getting cement on my new blouse," Alya sassed, "Hey, Chloe's gone. You can still turn this around. Don't be a pushover. Literally."
Marinette put on a brave face, took a deep breath and spat out some cement. She turned towards Adrien… only to see him get in his limo.
The stretch car drove away, leaving Marinette wet but unsatisfied.
"Mmm, why can't I just mean what I say?" Marinette asked herself.
"Uh, say what you mean?" corrected Alya.
"Actually, I think that both sentences work in this case."
"No. I'm right, you're wrong."
"...okay."
On the corner, Nino rubbed his hands together. "Soon, Adrien, soon your fortunes will be mine."
"Who you talking to, Nino?" Alya asked.
Nino turned to the two girls, realizing they were there for the first time. "None of your business." He ran away.
Marinette and Alya stood outside the Agreste mansion gates. The half-chinese girl was shuffling back and forth on her feet, nervously. "Do we have to do this, Alya? I already messed up once."
"Yeah, but if we get a couple more, I can also post this on my Fail Blog." Alya rang the doorbell.
A hidden compartment opened and a black and red eye on a robot arm extended out.
"Salutations! I am Doorbell-matron 9000. You may call me DB-M-9K. My purpose is to answer the doorbell. What is your purpose?" it asked in a surprisingly soothing voice.
Marinette sunk under the inquiry. "I ask myself that question every day. It seems like the world, maybe even the universe, is out to get me. Whenever I try to do something right, it always goes wrong. Like this one time, I stopped to tie my shoes and the next thing I knew I was being chased by the police for vandalism. How was I supposed to know you can't put your feet on the Eiffel Tower?!" she demanded of the robot.
"It's clearly posted all around the monument," answered the machine. " As for the rest, I shall dedicate most of my processors to solving your conundrum. In the meantime, how else may I help you?"
"I, uh," Marinette stumbled, not used to such kindness, "I also have a gift for Adrien."
"Splendid!" A chute in the wall opened. "Place it here and I shall assure its delivery."
Marinette happily obeyed, only to hear what sounded like a paper shredder! "Oh don't worry about that," the miracle of technology vowed, "the delivery chute always makes that noise. Have a wonderful day!"
"Thank you!" Marinette waved to the eye-bot as it retracted into the wall. She smiled as she felt she had made a new friend. Albeit one without a soul. She turned to Alya only to be met with her smartphone camera.
"Little did she know," narrated Alya, "she forgot to sign the card."
Marinette's eyes shrunk as she realized it was true. "Fuck!" she groaned.
Nathalie was scrolling through some risque Chat Noir fanart when Marinette's package tumbled out of the ceiling and plopped on her desk. Nathalie noted the packaging was slightly torn up. She would have to repair the delivery chute… again.
"Delivery, madame!" hummed DB-M-9K
"Shut up, slave," she responded, taking the package.
DB-M-9K smiled with its eye and returned to pondering the questions of this universe the child had brought to its attention. Perhaps the universe would ring its doorbell someday and they could have a nice chat about why it chose to treat the girl so poorly.
Nathalie recklessly tossed the package to the floor, hoping it broke so she could blame it on the annoying machine.
"Call from the master, madame," it chimed.
A shiver ran down her spine as she answered the video phone. "Y-y-yes, Mr. Agreste."
"I heard a noise," the snow-haired man whispered conspiratorially into the camera. "It was like… a ding. Did you hear it?"
"Yes, Mr. Agreste, that was the doorbell."
"Doorbell..." the man sounded out the foreign word.
"Yes, they're bells you put on doors. You ring them when you visit someone's home,"she nervously explained.
"Visitors?" Mr. Agreste was taken aback, "We haven't had visitors in years."
"It was one of Adrien's friends delivering a birthday present."
"Did you remember to buy him a present for me?" the man asked, suddenly becoming serious.
"You-I-you didn't tell me to buy something!" she claimed.
"Of course I did. I told DB-M-9K to remind you."
"Reminding is not within my programming," the robot reminded.
She shot the red eye a dirty look and smiled at her boss. "Yes, Mr. Agreste, I'll take care of it."
"Good," Mr. Agreste nodded. "This conversation has stressed me. I shall be on my throne, getting my hair re-coiffed." The screen went black.
Nathalie grabbed the gift left by Marinette and started taping up the tears she caused.
Ding-Dong!
"I'll get it," sang DB-M-9K.
Nino mentally calculated the worth all the liftable valuables, subconsciously keeping count with the dipping of his bubble wand. Nathalie led him to the bottom of a marble staircase. Nino appreciated the superior craftsmanship until the stairs whirred to life and began descending like an escalator.
"Adrien isn't home yet," Mr. Agreste, who was riding the stairs, called over the repeated scraping of the marble at the bottom of the ride. Suddenly, the stairs grinded to a halt. "Damn it all," growled Mr. Agreste, still a floor above everyone. "Nathalie, place an order for a new set of mechanical marble stairs."
Nathalie rolled her eyes and added it to the roster… again.
"My good sir," Nino greeted in his most posh accent. "I have come to inform you of the grave tragedy you have bestowed upon your offspring by not allowing him to 'party', as the peasants call it."
Mr. Agreste narrowed his eyes at the boy. "Do you know what's the leading cause of murder?"
"Uh… poor communication and the refusal to understand the way of life of others?"
"Close. It's people," Mr. Agreste informed with a sneer. "And I will not have people near my precious little boy. In fact, I don't want him associating with those who cannot afford laser eye treatment. From this day forth, you and your four eyes are banished from being friends with Adrien! DB-M-9K, take his DNA sample and forbid its re-entry!"
A mechanical arm happily plucked one of Nino's hairs.
"Dude! You can't do that!"
"I'm rich," he said with a straight face, "I can pay people to make it happen."
"...Will you pay me?" Nino asked with hope in his eyes.
"No."
"You suck!" Nino stormed out of the house past Adrien.
"Nino? How did you get past the guard dogs?"
"Your dad sucks!" was all he said.
Nino marched to a park bench and blew bubbles with all the fury of an erupting volcano! He imagined them to be priceless pearls, each worth untold riches.
"No, let me go!" Nino turned to see a little boy being dragged by an adult to the street. "You're not my dad, somebody help! Stranger Danger!"
"I'm your daddy now, kid. Come on, let's do some chores… hehehe." The adult threw the kid into a windowless van marked 'Free Candy' and drove off.
"Man, adults ruin everything," Nino whined.
Meanwhile, at the top of a tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened, spilling in light and illuminating a haunting figure of a man.
"Sacre Bleu, that's bright!" he screamed as a swarm of butterflies took flight all around him, startled by the sudden outburst. "I should really invest in an electrician." He donned his neon pink, moth themed sunglasses and grabbed one of the insects. "Alright, my little butterfly, time to show papa what you can do. Don't worry, you could never disappoint me." He pet the now sickly black butterfly and sent it off. "Papa loves you!" he shouted.
The dark messenger fluttered across the city until it found Nino. It landed on his bubble wand and exploded.
"Jesus Christ! That butterfly just exploded on me!" Nino yelled. A pair of fashionable neon pink, butterfly glasses appeared on his face and he heard a deep voice.
"Hey there, sport, I know you've been having some trouble with these adults." Nino could see the warmly smiling silver masked man before him. "How about we help each other out?" A pair of ladybug earrings and a black cat ring appeared around him. "You pick me up some ancient magical relics that can destroy the world and I give you some unholy powers. What'cha say, champ?"
"Hell yeah!" Nino agreed. He was immediately swallowed up by a bubbling darkness. When it cleared, he was a horrific amalgamation of spheres with a face. "The Bubbler shall rid the world of adults!"
The Bubbler drew his giant bubble wand and flew across the city, leaving a trail of huge bubbles. Adults everywhere were abducted by the bubbles and lifted high into the air.
"Mommy, no!" cried a child.
"Come back!" blubbered another.
"I'm free!" proclaimed a third as he escaped the now driverless 'Free Candy' van.
"I may not have thought this through..." Hawkmoth muttered to himself as he stared at the bubble that was already halfway into his tower.
"Hey, mom," Marinette asked while playing with her peas, "which do you think will confuse the American readers more: that I'm drinking wine with my lunch or that I came back home for lunch only to go back to school later?"
Her mother opened a window and pondered Marinette's question, "Hmm, that's a very good point. The drinking age in France is 16 and home lunches are a very European thing."
Their meta conversation was cut short as a bubble entered the house. Marinette calmly sipped her wine and watched as her mom was eaten by the bubble and it floated away with her. Her father soon joined her in a second bubble.
She waited until her parent's screams of terror grew faint before saying, "I blame Brexit." She chugged the rest of her wine and trudged to the window.
She looked up with empty eyes at the mass of captured adults above her. Her little ladybug Kwami, Tikki, floated next to her ear.
"You know, if we don't save them, they'll end up in the stratosphere," whispered Tikki with the sweetest of smiles.
"Yeah, yeah," Marinette sighed. "Tikki, spots on." In a flourish of red, she became Ladybug.
The heroine jumped onto the streets in time to catch a transmission being broadcasted on the bubbles. "Yo, this is your number one party master Bub-LR," bragged the villain, "today's national Kid's Day and we're celebrating at the Agreste mansion. Come on down!"
Ladybug gave some reassuring words to some of the crying children, "Don't worry, I'll get your parents back. Just don't touch any electric sockets while they're gone."
With that, she swung away.
Adrien finished his birthday lunch of golden sheeted pizza topped with edible flowers to hear a rather bouncy noise coming from his front lawn. Investigating, he was surprised to find his class dancing to music being DJ'd by a multi-colored tumor ridden creature.
"Happy Birthday, Adrien!" his class cheered, fireworks popping above them.
"Welcome to the party, bro," said the horrific being that Adrien soon recognized as Nino. Ignoring the fact that his friend had been infected by evil, Adrien excitedly scoured his property for the party. But no matter how hard he looked, he could not find waiters with trays of champagne and couscous. There were no celebrities abusing the bottle service. And absolutely zero cocaine rooms!
"Maybe birthday parties are more casual affairs," he thought to himself.
"Adrien, buddy, relax," cooed the perpetually tired Plagg from Adrien's collar. "Go with the flow, man, and see if you can score a birthday lay."
"Hmm, I suppose I can hold off on rescuing my friend from the pits of hell for a little while," Adrien agreed. And so, the birthday boy stepped onto the dance floor. Unbeknownst to everyone, Ladybug was hiding up in the rafters.
"You know, as far as villains go, this guy is pretty lax. I mean, if he didn't kidnap adults, he could make a decent living as party planner/DJ… I talk to myself too much," she admitted. Her thoughts were interrupted by a slow dance starting. All the dancers paired up. She spotted the bitch Chloe wrapping her arms around Adrien.
"I did a little research into this whole kissing thing," Adrien explained, "Turns out, it should be done in a more romantic setting. Shall we?"
"Oh yes!" begged Chloe.
"Oh no!" begged Ladybug.
She quickly shouted "Lucky Charm!" and threw her yo-yo at the DJ booth. It transformed into a record and changed the music into something more upbeat.
"Damn it," Adrien said, "the mood has been ruined," and pulled away from a duck-faced Chloe. Chloe, not hearing Adrien's departure, kept leaning forward until her lips met with a blushing DB-M-9K.
Ladybug's victory was short lived as the timer on her ear began to ring. "Merde!" she hopped the wall and landed on the other side just before she transformed back into Marinette. Tikki landed in her hands and smiled sweetly at her.
"T-Tikki, I'm sorry, but it was an emergency-"
"Do your job, Marinette," she kindly interrupted, her gentle smile growing more strained, "feed me."
Marinette trembled, threw Tikki into her purse and ran back through the gate, passing a giddily dancing DB-M-9K.
Marinette stopped at the snack table and stuffed a dozen cookies in her purse, uneasily whispering, "please don't get angry, please don't get angry."
"Girl!" Alya hugged Marinette from behind. "There you are. I was skulking Adrien's place for my House Invasion Blog, when I found something you're gonna love." Alya dragged Marinette into the mansion, past the pool, past the bowling alley, past the croissant bakery to Nathalie's desk. There was her gift. "Check it out, you can totally sign it now."
Marinette gasped! Then slowly turned to her friend with suspicion, "Alya, why are you being nice to me?"
Alya placed a hand on Marinette's shoulder and looked her in the eye. "Because there's only one pencil left and I can't wait to see how you mess this up," she said, raising her camera.
Marinette gulped. She picked up the only pencil and carefully pressed it to a sticky note. It didn't snap. She signed her name. It didn't smudge. She stuck it to her gift. It didn't open a black hole. Marinette's heart raced.
Alya pouted, "Lame," and walked out.
Marinette did a little celebratory dance. She did something and nothing unlucky happened!
"Oh, how unlucky for me," commented a student as they floated by the window in a bubble.
"UGH! Spots fucking on!" shouted Marinette.
That floating student was actually harassing the rest of the partygoers and causing a bad time. The Bubbler had taken it upon himself to escort him off the premises. With the party jerk-free, the kids actually started having a good time. The general consensus being maybe this villain wasn't so bad after all.
Ladybug didn't know any of this when she pulled the power strip out of the wall and was therefore confused when everyone booed at the loss of the music.
"Okay, kids, clear the dance floor," the Bubbler leaped down from his booth, "I'll squash this bug."
Ladybug's eye twitched and her hands stretched her yo-yo string taut. She flipped behind the Bubbler and wrapped his neck tightly with the string, "I already work with one mind-numbing, pun-spewing asshole, I don't need you to start. Got it?" she growled with fire in her eyes.
The Bubbler could only gasp for air and nod fearfully. "Good," she let him go. He stumbled away and turned towards her.
"Jeez, what got into you?" he asked.
"That would be me, bubble boy," Chat Noir said, landing next to Ladybug who let out a little cry of lament. "My lady and I are gonna crash your party."
"That's them!" Nino heard the deep voice cry. He saw the same silver face now floating in one of his bubbles. "Go get 'em, son."
"You got it, new dad." With a swipe of his bubble wand, a wave of bubbles rushed the heroes. Chat Noir dodged and weaved, twirling his battle stick to pop the missiles.
Ladybug stood perfectly still with a depressed face and watched as they all somehow missed her. "Why am I only this lucky as Ladybug?" she asked the universe.
With a smirk, the Bubbler snapped his fingers. The remaining bubbles turned green and shrank. They rushed our heroes again, this time sticking to them. Soon, the two were contained in a giant bubble, piled on top of each other. Both examined their predicament.
Chat Noir smiled.
Ladybug screamed.
"No! Don't leave me in here with him!" she pounded on the impenetrable bubble, clawing for an escape.
"Jeez, my lady, way to burst my bubble," Chat said with the most ironic of cheshire grins.
Ladybug's whole body convulsed. She wondered whether it would be possible to rip her ears off.
"Give me your Miraculous or you'll go flying," the Bubbler demanded.
"Not happening," proclaimed Chat Noir.
"I am willing to negotiate!" conceded Ladybug.
"Fine, have it your way." With all the soccer prowess of Cristiano Ronaldo, he kicked them high into the sky.
Our heroes flew fast, screaming their heads off. They rushed past the bubbled adults, including one in a familiar moth costume.
"What are you doing, son? You're supposed to take their Miraculouses… Miraculousi?" the adult said to seemingly no one. But our heroes were too busy experiencing g-force to hear.
"If I pop this bubble, will you promise to save me from falling to my death?" Chat asked through his undulating cheeks.
"As long as you don't do anymore puns for the rest of the day."
"Ugh, you're unbelieva-bubble. Cataclysm!" Using the ancient power of ultimate destruction, Chat popped the bubble.
"Hold on!" Ladybug instructed. Chat wrapped his arms around her chest. "Lower!" she warned. He scooted down with a mischievous smirk. "Higher!" she demanded. He frowned and settled for her stomach.
They careened past the adults. The ground was rushing up to them. "Uh, Ladybug, shouldn't you swing on something with your yo-yo?" Chat asked nervously. He felt her arms lock around him. He looked at her face and saw empty eyes.
Eyes that didn't care.
Eyes that welcomed death.
Chat's face drained of color as he came to the horrid realization: she wasn't going to do anything.
He screamed bloody murder as they hit terminal velocity and fell head first towards the concrete. "I regret not making more puns!"
Chat squeezed his eyes shut and hoped it would be quick. "Chat, you can let go of me now." he heard her calmly say.
His eyes snapped open. He looked down, they were a couple feet off the ground. He looked up, nothing was holding them there. They were literally levitating! Ladybug stepped onto the Earth like nothing happened.
"How did? What? Huh?" he eloquently put.
"Ultimate luck, remember?" she half chuckled and ran back towards the fight.
"That's not luck, that's bullshit!" he shouted, chasing after her.
"Same difference."
"Hey, heroes!" a voice called from above them, stopping them in their tracks. "Let's fight up here on the Eiffel tower!" suggested the Bubbler.
"Why?" asked Chat.
"Because my party equipment deposit check bounced and I had to shut it down. By the way, I have exploding bubbles now," he explained and threw a couple bubble bombs their way.
Chat dodged over and over while climbing his way up. One bubble nearly exploded in his face, but thanks to a last second body twist, he got around it and landed on the fighting floor. Behind him an elevator opened and Ladybug stepped out. "Ladybug," Chat called, "my ring's beeping. We gotta finish this now."
"Yeah, sure," she shrugged. "Lucky Charm!" In a flash of red magic a big ladybug themed wrench fell into her arms.
"Hahaha!" laughed the Bubbler, "What are you gonna do with that? Fix a leaky pipe? Bahaha-"
THWACK!
Ladybug stood over the unconscious villain, hefting the now bloody wrench.
Chat stared at his partner. "Bad day?"
"I'm feeling a lot better now, actually," she smiled and smashed the giant bubble wand with the wrench. The black butterfly flew out. Seeing it, Ladybug opened her radiating yo-yo and shouted, "By the power invested in me by Thomas Astruc, Unholy creature, I damn thee!" she captured the insect and re-released it as a pure white butterfly.
"Miraculous Ladybug!" She threw the wrench into the air. Thousands of ladybugs came into existence and flew across the city.
"I can never really tell from down here," inquired Chat Noir, "does the thing you throw become all those ladybugs or are they summoned and what you threw disappears into some other dimension where it eventually hits the ground?"
Marinette opened her mouth to answer and hesitated. She looked up and said, "I don't know."
The ladybugs flew across the city returning parents to their children.
"Momma!" celebrated one.
"Poppa!" cheered another.
"Help!" screamed a third being chased by a 'Free Candy' van.
Even Hawkmoth reappeared back in his tower. He gave a somewhat sad sigh and said, "Well, you tried your best, guys. That's all I can ask. Let's give this a shot again next week. Same time. I'll bring doughnuts." The spiral window shut, casting the room into darkness.
"Merde," his voice echoed in the pitch black void, "where are the stairs?"
DB-M-9K watched as Nathalie tore Marinette's sticky note off her gift and throw it away. "Madame," it called, "Master Adrien hasn't read that yet."
"Exactly," she sighed, walking out.
DB-M-9K's mechanical viewer swiveled back to the trash can. It attempted to comprehend the madame's choice of an incomplete delivery. Finally, it concluded since the package was from that one particular girl this must be the doing of that notorious universe. They must've snuck in during the party in Master Adrien's name.
It's mechanical pupil shrank. More processing power will have to be dedicated. It turned its sights on Nathalie's computer.
Adrien was washing down his birthday dinner of horse sashimi with a glass of first edition 1784 Merlot when Nathalie handed him a nicely wrapped gift.
"A birthday present from your father," she quickly explained and turned to leave.
"A gift from father?" Adrien asked with wonder. "Does this mean he loves me?"
"Sure, why not," Nathalie shrugged at the starstruck child.
"Nathalie, please, give my father a kiss for me," he eagerly instructed.
Nathalie's eye twitched. She ran out, pretending she didn't hear that.
"Cool scarf, dude," Nino complemented Adrien's newest accessory.
"I know. Can you believe my father got this for me? He's been getting me the same pen for the last three years," Adrien said, fist-bumping Nino as they walked up the front school steps.
"Well, I guess the moral is: as long as society puts aside specific days when you're expected to acknowledge the existence of others, adults don't always suck," Nino concluded.
"You're still banished from my house," Adrien reminded him.
"Fuck!" groaned Nino.
Nearby, Alya was filming Marinette's face which was stuck in a painfully forced smile.
"Come on... Break! Let me see those tears," directed Alya.
"Nope," Marinette responded. "I'm not gonna say anything and just let him be happy."
"Aw, are you lying so Adrien can think better of his neglectful dad?"
"Hell no, I knitted that scarf for three weeks. If he thinks it's from me, the universe will absolutely destroy it. I'm onto you, universe," she shook her fist at the sky.
Marinette ran into the school screaming, "YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!" The universe responded by dropping a ladybug themed wrench on her head.
END
BOOM! FIRST CHAPTER, BABY!
Welcome to the wrecked wacky world of "Miraculous Headache." Marinette is not going to have a good time, but we sure are!