I spoke the words to you, father.
I said that I had forgiven you.
For too long I had allowed you
To run my life, to control my life.
You sired my murderer.
You betrayed me
By placing Richard above me.
You betrayed me
By making sure that I would die
At the hands of my own blood.
You loved Richard
More than you ever loved me,
Even though I grew up
With you always nearby,
While you knew nothing
About your other son,
Not even his name.
I thought that I had killed you.
I had thought wrong.
You were still alive,
But I was determined
To make you dead again,
This time permanently.
You arrived in the underworld.
I had wanted to torture you
For eternity,
But when I saw you,
I realized that I was your captive,
And I also realized
That if I did torture you,
I would only make myself
Further your captive.
I had carried anger towards you
For my whole life.
I have despised you, loathed you,
For my whole life.
Yet I never felt better.
I had to let go
Of my desire for vengeance
If I was ever going
To be free of your control.
If I spoke the words of forgiveness,
You would no longer
Have any power of me
Because I would no longer
Be held captive
By my emotions of resentment
Towards you.
To release anger is to gain freedom.
I thought that I was free of you, father.
I thought that I had let you go,
But I had thought wrong.
I may have spoken
The words of forgiveness,
But my heart
Had not followed my lips.
The desire for vengeance is painful,
But forgiveness is difficult to find.
I will never escape
From my brother's shadow.
Likewise, father, I will never escape
From your shadow.
I am still locked
In the dungeon of anger and hopelessness
That you created for me
When you first bragged to me
About my brother, my murderer.
I cannot find the key
To open the door.
Does the key even exist?
Father, will I ever be free of you?
Will I ever be able to escape
From your control?