How to Catch an Ice Prince

A step-by-step guide

Summary: Does the thought of wooing your beloved Ice Prince fill you with fear and confusion? Has everything you've tried, failed? Worry not! This is the only guide you'll ever need to know on how to catch that love of yours! [SasuNaru]

Warnings: OOC, fluff, sap, semi-crack, random use of Japanese words from Naruto thrown in, abuse of italics

Rating: K+ bordering on T

Genre: Romance/General/AU-ish/Author's attempt at humor/etc.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and co.

AN 1: A special, THANK YOU to Qian Yun for being kind enough to Beta this for me so wonderfully and always being quick with her responses, even when I was not!

AN 2: As many of you will be able to tell, this story was written years ago and is completely out of date with the recent events in the manga. With that said, I hope you can still enjoy this piece!

Step One: Find out the various likes and dislikes of the subject

Slumping against a tree, Uzumaki Naruto let out a weary sigh. Who knew stalk- following the prick would be this hard? Who knew he would be this uncooperative, this confusing, in Naruto's plans for seduc- er, getting to know the bastard better? To make things worse, there were times during the day that Naruto could have sworn that Sasuke realized he was being followed. That couldn't be possible though, right? Right. After all, Naruto is the future Hokage and when he decided to stalk- follow someone, they would not notice, unless he wished for them to. And why wouldn't they?

He was just that good.

Suddenly, Sasuke turned around from his place in front of the stumps on the training grounds and made eye contact with Naruto.

Or maybe not.

Naruto took one look at the slightly panting Uchiha – who still had his Sharingan activated – squea- gulped manfully, and ran.

Step Two: Find out what the subject likes to do in his free time.

Trying to blend in with the shadows, Naruto pushed his back harder into the tree. Plan A of "Following Sasuke until you learn all you need to know about him!" had been a spectacular failure. Perhaps following the stoic young man around was not the best of ideas, after all, he was not called the number one rookie for nothing, now was he? Naruto sat on the ground with a small thump and started thinking about his next move. Stalk- following Sasuke hadn't worked, as he had obviously gotten caught. Accidentally "bumping" into him throughout the day had not worked either, as the throbbing headache he had clearly indicated.

Naruto closed his eyes and leaned against the tree once again. It wasn't as if he tried to fall in love with the bastard, but it kind of, sort of just happened. Naruto wasn't to blame at all, it was his damn heart, that wouldn't listen to his damn head, even though his head knew better than his heart because his head knew that his heart would be broken, but his heart still had hope, even if that hope was futi-

Gah. His head hurt. He hated thinking too deeply into his feelings. He mentally shuddered at how girly the word sounded, and pushing the troubling thoughts to the back of his mind, he went back to what he was originally doing: watching Sasuke.

…who wasn't there anymore.

Sensing an ominous feeling in the air, Naruto slowly turned around to look at his teammate, whose face was pushed right next to his.

Oh shit!

"Naruto," Sasuke uttered, his eyebrows twitching slightly in irritation, "what are you doing here?"

Said young man closed his eyes tightly, hoping what he saw and heard was just his imagination. Peeking through blond eyelashes, he saw his dark-haired teammate now standing up with his arms crossed, a scowl on his lips and a glare in his eyes.

Knowing that he had only one option left, Naruto slowly stood up and brushed himself off. Taking a deep breath, he looked the Uchiha straight in the eye. He opened his mouth to answer and-

"Kage bunshin no jutsu!"

"Naruto!" came Sasuke's outraged cry as Naruto ran as fast as he could.

Again.

Step Three: Try and make contact with the subject. Small doses at first are best.

"Ah! Naruto, it's so nice of you to show up!" Kakashi-sensei told the slightly messy blond who was just stumbling onto the training grounds.

"I… had a busy night" Naruto grumbled as he took his place between his teammates.

"Really."

It was funny how Kakashi-sensei could put so many implications into one tiny word.

"Yes- Oi! You pervert! Not like that!" Naruto screeched, jumping up and down while taking small glances towards Sasuke.

"Of course not," Kakashi-sensei smiled, waving his hands in a placating fashion, "I did not mean it like that."

"Right," chimed three voices together.

Kakashi coughed lightly and stood up taller, looking down at his team. With an unholy look in his eye, he asked, "Naruto, is there something wrong with Sasuke? You keep looking at him…"

"No! What are you talking about!" Naruto flinched slightly, as he looked at Sasuke, again, and saw said boy opening his mouth to speak. "I was just looking at the trees that are next to his head!"

"Trees?" Sakura spoke up with arched brows.

"Yes, idiot," Sasuke added dryly, "just what is so special about those trees?"

Naruto froze, brain searching rapidly for an answer, and blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. "Nature's beauty at its finest! Isn't it gorgeous, Sakura-chan? Kakashi-sensei? Asshole?"

Noticing the looks of astonishment on the faces of those around him, he continued on, "I mean just look at that work of art! Such symmetry, the vivid green, the…"

"Naruto, are you all right? Maybe you should sit out of training today…" Being the first to gain back his voice, Kakashi spoke.

"… the way the roots are splayed, the way the bark is rough yet smooth at the same time…"

"Yes, Naruto! Maybe you should go home for today." Sakura spoke, with a look of worry on her features. "It's only training; you can afford to take a day off."

"Eh? What's that? No, no, I feel fine! Don't worry about me! The trees are great, I'm doing great, actually I'm doing amaz-" Naruto rambled on before he was interrupted.

"Dork. Go home."

"Sasuke! You ass! Don't call me that! Why don't you-!" Naruto shouted as he turned, only to have Sakura hit him on the head.

"Naruto! Listen to what Sasuke-kun, Kakashi-sensei, and I am telling you! Go home, get better, and stop talking about the damn trees." Waving her fist menacingly, Sakura pointed at the direction of his home.

"Fine." Naruto sulked as he turned and ran home.

Damn, there goes Plan C.

Step Four: Subtly hint to the subject about your feelings for him. At the same time, try to find out if the subject has any feelings for you.

Naruto looked into the mirror, straightened his hitai-ate, and grinned. Today was the day! Today, he would find out once and for all whether or not Sasuke had feelings for him. As a proud shinobi of Konoha, he would go straight up to his cru- no, his lov- no, him and confess. (Manfully, Naruto was quick to remind himself) But how to do it subtly? Taking a deep breath, he put the thought out of his mind; he was better at thinking on his feet anyways.

Walking towards the training grounds, he wondered if he should ask Sasuke out on a date. Casually, of course. To the onigiri stand? He knew Sasuke often ate them for lunch, but would he agree to go with him without getting suspicious? Or maybe he should ask to train with him exclusively. But then again, they always trained together, and asking him to train with him later on might get Sasuke wary that something was going on, and then where would he be? No, no, there had to be something. He couldn't be running out of plans already, could he? There had to be something! Perhaps an idea would come to him in a fla-

Oof.

Well, he did hope he would have an inspiration coming to him, he didn't think it would hurt but-

"Oi. Have you finally lost what little brain cells you had?"

Ignoring the voice, Naruto continued to think, still lying on the ground. What did "normal" people do when they asked out their cru-lov- the one they had feelings for? Of course "normal" people did not have to worry about the other person having the emotional capability of a rock. Like the mountain the Hokages were carved on. Though they could be carved on and were thought of as the heart of Konoha. Did that mean they were not really that hard, and could it be that once someone carved deep enough within Sasuke (Naruto ignored the image for the moment, trying not to get distracted) that they would find a heart-

"Oi. OI!"

"What?" Naruto snapped grumpily, having his thought process interrupted. Looking up, he froze as the object of his thoughts stood above him, eyebrows twitching slightly in irritation. Ignoring the way his cheeks were becoming more and more red, he tried to get up as gracefully as he could (which meant he missed banging into Sasuke's chin by a few inches) and tried to stroll past in a nonchalant fashion. "Sasuke," he nodded, ignoring the flicker in Sasuke's eyes.

"Where are you going, usuratonkatchi? The training grounds are back that way."

Naruto flushed again, irritated with his lack of control over his facial expressions. "Te-teme! I knew that! I was just going to see if you all noticed it. You should be thanking me, for testing you and Sakura-chan like this!" Naruto nodded and wrinkling his brows a bit, as if in deep thought, he continued, "In fact, you should be so thankful, that you should take me out to Ichiraku's for lunch!"

Naruto took a peek at Sasuke to judge his reaction, not noticing the fist coming from behind from an irate female teammate who had been kept waiting for far too long.

'Why do the gods hate me so,' he thought to himself before passing out.

Step Five: If all else fails, just wing it. Go forth with your head held high and confess like the man you are. (Be sure to wear good shoes, just in case it does not go well and you must put your shinobi training to use)

Waking up to a hovering Sakura-chan was never a pleasant experience. When that happened in the past, it was always right before the lectures started. Always. It seemed like it would be no different this time.

"Naruto, I don't know what's been wrong with you these past few weeks!" Sakura grumbled while applying a small bit of chakra to his aching head.

A voice on the other side of him started speaking. "So much for your amazing shinobi skills. Couldn't even notice someone coming up behind you?"

"Shut up," Naruto replied to Sasuke, suddenly vividly remembering what happened. He could just feeling his status shrinking in Sasuke's eyes and felt himself panicking. Oh why, oh why, oh why-

Suddenly he found himself staring into bright green eyes. "I'm sorry, Naruto," Sakura said, sounding apologetic, "I didn't realize you weren't paying attention."

"That's all right, Sakura-chaaan!" Naruto said with a bright smile, even though his hands were trembling. "I should have been noticed!"

Nodding to him and Sasuke, Sakura smiled and left the room. Without turning around, Naruto spoke to Sasuke, who was still behind him, "Shouldn't you leave too?"

"Hn." Was the only reply he got as Sasuke sat down on his bed, Right. Next. To. Him.

Er…

"What's been going on with you?" Sasuke said, looking at him. "You've been so distracted…"

"Noth-" Naruto paused and looked straight at Sasuke. This was his chance!

Leaning in close, he brushed his lips against his. Once. Twice. Thrice. Pulling back, he tried to gauge the other shinobi's expression, only to be met with wide eyes and a slightly open mouth.

Doing an impression of the setting sun, Naruto blushed, jumped out of the bed, and ran out of his room.

Step Six: If the confession did not go well, get comfortable in those shoes. You will be using them well as you run, and do your best to hide.

Two days. That's forty-eight hours that Naruto had been runni-, touring Konoha. He would have continued doing so for quite a while, but the hairs on the back of his neck kept standing up.

He was being watched.

But by whom? Certainly not the prick. He had probably run home right after that kis- incident and washed out his mouth. Naruto glanced behind him. Was he acting too paranoid? Nah, no such word existed in the vocabulary of a shinobi. But then why did he feel as if he was being watched? It was not helping him mend his heart, no, get over the incident that did not touch him. At. All.

Really.

If only he could convince himself of that.

There! A flash of dark hair beyond the trees. Chasing after the shadow, Naruto jumped in front of it. "Ah-HA! Why are you following me-"

"Usuratonkatchi" came Sasuke's deadpan voice.

Ah.

"Sa-Sa-Sasuke!" Naruto stuttered, as he closed his eyes tightly. This was it. This was when he would be rejected once again, only this time it would be Sasuke who would tell him that he hated him and did not want to be around him any longer. This was when the punches would come in-

Oh. Well. This was unexpected. Feeling another pair of lips settle upon his, blue eyes popped wide open.

Sasuke was kissing him.

Sasuke. Was. Kissing. Him.

Oh my. Was that a tongue? Mmm. Sliding his eyes closed again, Naruto gave in to the kiss.

A few minutes later, a breathy voice whispered into his ear, "I like you too… idiot". And with that, Sasuke was gone.

Naruto opened his eyes once again, and grinned. Finally, finally, FINALLY he had gotten him. Sasuke liked Naruto too. He even kissed him! Now all he had to do was catch him.

The chase was on.

Step Seven: Congratulations! You have caught your very own Ice Prince! Now is the beginning of your very own Happily Ever After. Enjoy!