Slap-O-Matic
Gibbs glared as Tony DiNozzo cracked yet another comment on their case, but if Tony saw it he ignored it, continuing his jokes, "this gives road kill a whole new meaning!" he joked at the flattened body. One more wise crack and… Gibbs didn't bother to complete his thought as he stared glumly at his bandaged wrists. Damn fall!
The most painful thing for Gibbs at the moment was not the unceasing throbbing beneath the gauzy white material, but the pain of not being able to give his usual head-slap. How am I meant to survive an entire two weeks of this!? Gibbs grumbled.
The body was scraped from the concrete and placed in a large black body bag.
"What's the story Doc?" Gibbs asked entering the NCIS morgue.
Ducky launched into an explanation, rattling off tales from his past as they were remembered, "Oh and I found this beneath our Jane Doe's nails," he stated holding up a small pottle. A strange blue substance jiggled about across the bottom, "I was about to get Palmer to take it up to Abby…"
"I'll take it!" Gibbs cut in offering up his pocket. Ducky shrugged and placed the pottle into his jacket pocket before launching into another long tale of how his mother once carried the answer to the missing diamond mystery around in her pocket for three weeks before realising where it was.
Gibbs smirked good-naturedly before taking his leave. He rode the elevator straight to Abby Scuito's lab. The music was at its usual unbearable volume. Gibbs strode in heading straight for the music player and turned the volume right down. When he turned around Abby wrapped her arms around Gibbs. She leaned back and shoved a magazine into Gibbs's face stating, "The answer to all your problems! Well one of them at least."
Gibbs sighed and looked down, "The Slap-O-Matic?"
"Yeah! I've seen the looks you get when you want to slap Tony then realise you can't so think of this as the solution. It's great! All you do is point it where you want and then press the button! So hold it behind Tony, press and BANG! Epic headslap!"
"Abs! Slow down! I came here to give you this," Gibbs said pushing his pocket open.
"Oph! Goody! You shouldn't have!" Abby bounced retrieving the small container. She put it on the steel table behind her. A few too many Caf-Pows I think!
"Any way back to the important matter! You should get this!" Abby said returning her focus to the Slap-O-Matic.
"Abby I can't hold anything! How am I meant to use this?" Gibbs frowned.
Abby grinned, "Look closer silly! See there's a wrist strap that hold the rod to your hand. Then all you have to do is press the button with your other hand and WHAMMOO! Headslap! And it'd take the entire impact so you wouldn't feel a thing!"
Gibbs mulled it over in his head. Normally he wouldn't think of such a thing but he was desperate from his slapping deprivation. What harm could it really do to give it a go?
"Uhh… I guess I cou…"
"YES! I knew it! That's good be…cause," Abby paused reaching beneath her desk, "I ALREADY GOT YOU ONE!"
"Oh I…"
"Go on! Give it a try!" Abby insisted, virtually putting it on him herself. Gibbs stared bemused, or amused… Both really.
"Abs!"
"Nope, don't thank me yet! Wait until you've tried it."
Gibbs sighed knowing he wasn't going to win this battle, "On what?"
"Oh right!" Abby rushed into the room off her lab. She came back wheeling a crash dummy, "I Paul set this at Tony's approximate height. It'll be perfect practice. With it you can gauge the force of each hit and test where it hits. He'll help you to control the Slap-O-Matic so when Tony next annoys you CAH-BLAMMOO!... Oh and the red 'X' on the back of Paul's head is where I think you should aim for. It's removable so if you want to aim somewhere else it can be moved… or even just removed! Ha ha! Get it!"
More than a few too many Caf-Pows I'd better check how many.
"Abs, how many Caf-Pows have you had today?" Gibbs asked approaching cautiously.
Abby looked to the ceiling.
Uh-Oh.
"Six! I remember! Six!"
"Abby it's hardly ten a.m."
"And?"
Oh I give up!
"Never mind… Alrightly! Let's give this thing a go." Gibbs lined up behind the dummy… er… Paul.
He pressed the button and was shocked. It swung fast and completely missed Paul.
"Uh… practice swing," Gibbs muttered as an excuse.
"Well that was the point of bringing Paul into this!" Abby bounce as Gibbs gave it another shot. His bandaged hand pressed the red button and held it down. It connected with the back of Paul's head with a loud thwack! Gibbs jumped a bit.
Abby giggled then went about checking the dummy.
"Wow! Don't hold the button down Gibbs! A hit like that would break Tony's neck! Well, probably."
"What?"
"The longer you hold the button for the stronger the slap."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I forgot, duh!"
Gibbs rolled his eyes, he lined up the Slap-O-Matic once more.
"Jane Doe? Ha ha! She certainly got flattened like one!" Tony joked to Ziva and McGee as Gibbs entered the room. Being the opportunist that he was he raised the Slap-O-Matic. After an hour of practice he'd finally gotten the best way to ensure a safe effective slap. He positioned the rod. Tony still oblivious was shocked to feel the fine whack across his head.
"Ah! What the…"
Gibbs smirked, urge satisfied, "I've been wanting to do that all day!"
Tony looked shocked.
"It's the Slap-O-Matic. One of the greatest inventions ever if you asked me."
Gibbs grinned then settled into the seat behind his desk listening to Ziva's and McGee's amused howls. Tony remained stunned and slowly sunk into his seat, still gaping like a fish.