I watch him go, confident and poised, to the bathroom. He has the walk of an untroubled man, though Rachel Berry just kissed him like they were lovers.
I stare down into my cold coffee, and shove the cup away.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't pretend to be his friend, when his every look makes my stomach curl with desire.
Without realizing, I've formed a fist in my hand. I unclench my hand, and shove the chair back violently.
My remembered remarks about his possible bisexuality gallop through my mind, and I release a frustrated sigh.
Blaine could be attracted to every man and woman in the world, and I would still love him.
But he will never love me.
I glide, quiet steps, to the bathroom. I take a deep, steadying breath and open the door.
He's alone, standing at the sink. He's washing his face, the water hiding his features.
I clear my throat loudly, and strut towards him.
He flinches at the sound, and blinks at me in confusion.
"Kurt, hey." he says softly. "I guess you saw all that out there?"
I nod, silently. In an instant, I take in his blotchy eyes, his red cheeks.
I summon my best disaffected voice, and retort, "You're gay. 100% gay."
"I'm so sorry," he murmurs. He scrubs his cheeks self-consciously, and in a blip, I see him crying in a stall, tears of relief after he confirmed his queerness.
I relax my stern expression, and tentatively reach out to stroke his hand.
He stares down at my hand in bemusement, and to my disgust, I hear the tears in my voice.
I follow my gaze, and breathe slowly, in and out. It helps not to look into his eyes.
"Blaine, just stop. You can be attracted to purple dinosaurs, for all I care. I shouldn't have freaked out over the bi thing. That's not the issue.
"The issue is -" My hand tightens on his palm, and my voice cracks. "The issue is you kissed Rachel Berry before you kissed me. You would rather go on a date with her than consider the possibility of something with me. You don't like me like that, and that's fine." No it's not. "But I can't stand by, and watch you in love with other people. It's killing me, Blaine. It's killing me."
It's all I can take, and I remove my hand from his, with record speed.
"Kurt," he whispers. He meets my eyes and his hand reaches out to touch me.
I step back smoothly. I have to put him away in the farthest reaches of my mind, and not look back.
I turn away, and quickly the few feet to the exit.
The sorrow is building, but I only have to hide it until I get outside.
Just a few more steps.
Finally, I'm out of the damn coffee shop. Rachel gave me a ride, so I'm stranded.
I stumble to a deserted beach, and begin to sob with abandon.
It's so hard being the strong one, but still being second best in everyone's hearts.
I can't do it anymore.
I hug myself, and try to pull myself together. Tears blur my vision, and my shoulders are trembling with the weight of the breakdown.
When I feel a hand on my shoulder, I don't react. I'd know his touch anywhere.
"If this is the part where you offer some platitudes about how I'm going to find someone really great if I just wish on a star, save it." I mumble, forcing my words through my clogged throat.
He sits down next to me, and the expression on his face gives me pause.
It's a mixture of sadness, regret, and something else. Something I refuse to name.
Blaine gently smooths my cheeks dry with his thumbs. He's shaking, but how could he? He's Blaine. He's fearless.
"When she kissed me at the party, I was so drunk." he begins. "You saw me. And I just - you were sitting next to me, and I felt your leg pressing against my hip, and then I was supposed to kiss her. So I went for it. It was my first kiss, and it was some drunken party game. It was so confusing for me. Because I liked it. I tangled my fingers in her hair, and my knee rubbed against your hip, and it was like - electricity. Right here." he points to his stomach. "And the next day I woke up, and assumed she had been the reason for it. And I am so sorry I hurt you, Kurt. I was a jerk. But you -
"You seem to have everything figured out, and I thought I did. I'm gay, but when I kissed Rachel, I was touching you, and it -"
He breaks off, his mouth quirks into an embarrassed grin.
"I like you. I really, really like you. And if you just walk away from me right now, I couldn't handle it. You're the best part of me. You're the courageous one, Kurt. Please. Just give me a chance."
He stares intently into my eyes, and I lick my lips, a ball of nerves.
I grab his hand, and guide it to my leg. He digs into the muscle, never leaving my eyes.
I release a shuddering breath. His fingers have sent a solid bolt of desire to my groin, almost overwhelming.
"Like that?" I hiss.
He scoots forward, and gently extracts his hand.
"Like that." he says softly.
I fold forward into his embrace, digging my hands into his back, reassuring warmth.
"So?" I whisper. "The bathroom?"
I feel his laugh, and tingle as his hands tenderly stroke the nape of my neck.
"I had a major league freakout," he confesses. "Lucky you weren't there to see it."
I chuckle, but it still comes out as a sob.
"Hey, what's wrong?" he says. He pulls away to find my face.
"You've seen me have an endless amount of freakouts in the last few months. I don't know why you would hide from me."
He shrugs.
"If you see me as less than perfect -" he starts.
"That ship has already sailed," I interject, wryly. "I love you more because of your faults."
His mouth drops open in surprise, and I kick myself mentally.
Shit.
"Too much," I say hastily. "I'm really sorry, Blaine. I get it if you don't -"
His expression clears, and there's that same look again. Desire, love? I don't know.
"Kurt." he says softly. His voice is a low hum of need, and it reassures me.
"I would really like to kiss you right now. Is that okay?"
He slowly strokes my cheek as he speaks. His eyes are glimmering.
Now it's my turn to be surprised.
I manage to nod.
"Sure." I stutter. "Okay."
He readjusts himself on the bench, and leans forward. He pauses inches from my mouth, and I want to die of suspense.
His mouth meets mine, in a sweet, simple kiss over in seconds. He exhales deeply, his thumb ghosting over my cheek.
"I want the next one to be after our first date," he murmurs.
I rest my forehead against his, and give him one more peck on the mouth. The taste of his mouth is like ambrosia.
"Let's get out of here." I say, reluctantly releasing his lips. "Rachel left me stranded."
"You can always count on me, Kurt." he promises.
We stand up, and his hand grasps mine, firm and confident.
Together, we walk back to his car.
Somehow, I reach the car in one piece. As I wait for him to unlock the doors, doubts run rampant in my mind.
"Blaine!" I shriek suddenly. He's at the driver's side, and he crosses over, jogging, to reach me.
"What is it?" he almost yells, concern brimming over. "What is it?"
I grab his wrists with my hands, in a death grip.
"I can't just let you take me home, and let us go be a thing unless I know for sure," I say desperately.
"Blaine, please. You can deny all you want, but you kissed Rachel like you were starving for air. I can't trust that you want me like that until you just -"
I run out of breath, and glare, frustrated, at his shoes.
His fingers curl around my wrists. I feel the press of his fingernails into my skin, and shiver with yearning.
His hands comes up to tuck under my chin, and he tilts my head up.
Blaine's damn eyes meet mine, and a lone tear tracks down my face.
"Never doubt how much I want you, Kurt." he says seriously.
He takes two quick steps forward, and meets my mouth in a searing, passionate kiss. His free hand snakes around to grip my ass, and I moan into his mouth. His tongue ghosts out to gently breach my lips, and I relish the sensation of the pinkness plunging against my teeth.
The weight of his body pushes me forward, and I press against his car, my hand sprawling out to rest on his window.
Finally, he gently breaks our embrace. His hand tucks into my belt buckle, tugging absentmindedly.
I exhale, a heavy, needy breath.
He gives me one more slow, sweet kiss before stepping away, reluctantly.
"Wow." I murmur. "Just wow."
He nods in agreement, and flashes a blinding smile.
"So let's get out of here." he says sweetly.
I smooth his hair back in response, and we get into his car.
He starts the engine, and we drive back to Dalton.
Though I know he's concentrating on the road, I can't resist. When he gets to a stop light, I place my hand on his thigh, and stroke it gently.
I watch with pleasure as he clenches his jaw tightly.
"Just like that." he replies softly. "Just like that."