If you're reading this I'm at least one of the following; dead, Dying, In Love or Skint. They odds seem to get longer as the list does.

Dead; 2-1 Favourite.

Dying; 10-1, Strong Possibility.

In Love; 50-1, Long Shot – Possible None Runner.

Skint; 100-1 Wildcard. Pulled up at the Starters Fence.

What a way to start a diary, one I'm not even sure why I'm writing except that it might help in some way. Oh well, it's written now and the ink is already dry.

XXX

Everyone always asks the same inane questions and always receives the same answers- I should have been a politician… No, I reckon I'm more likely to kill one than become one.

I never intend to fully answer any questions about those few years because they are ancient history and I deserve the chance to move on, as does everyone else.

XXX

I'll probably end up giving this to Teddy, James or Albus, they're the only ones I can ever really see having the rights to this information. I doubt Lilly would want to know this kind of information about her father to be honest. But at least it's here, in case any of them want to know what happened.

XXX

My school years were pretty devoid of any personal relationships; more often than not the first was the last or else the first of many. Take what you will from that.

XXX

My first crush was Cho Chang; a pretty girl three years my senior. She had everything; good looks, nice personality, popularity, she was a good flier and had a spark in her eyes. She also had a boyfriend. Damn it! Never mind, it never would have lasted.

XXX

My first kiss was Charlie Weasley, that's…short for Charles, not Charlene. It was the summer before my fourth year, the Quidditch World Cup Final; Ireland beat Bulgaria by ten points but Krum caught the snitch.

Ron was my best friend; and Charlie's younger brother, yep, that's right…

I used to share a room with Ron when I stayed with his family but I was hyped up. Whatever people thought I wasn't stupid, the mark meant a lot to me, if I had known what my parent's home had been like I have no hesitation in saying that I could have easily imagined the scene on that fateful Halloween. I would be returning to school the following morning and I was both afraid and excited. I was always prone to night time wanderings. That night I wandered straight into Charlie.

We both knew it meant nothing, it couldn't. I was just a scared, mixed-up kid who had been deprived of physical love. He was lonely, single and experimenting; we both were …experimenting, that is.

His hands were cold.

We still keep in touch, even now. I owe him a lot; he taught me Gnothi Seauton.

XXX

They say your first love and your first time are the same thing, no matter what the circumstances. They say that losing your virginity is practically a wizard's way of getting married.

They were right. The prefect's bathroom on the fourth floor was a good place for a bath; with company it was a good place for several. Nine nights in a row before I finally admitted I loved him. Nine nights in a row before I acknowledged that it wasn't him I was jealous of, but his girlfriend. Nine nights in a row before I realised that the hot flushes when I saw him weren't anger or annoyance but lust, possibly love.

The bathroom tiles were warm from the steam from the bath, and my breath. The mermaid learnt that it was possible to obliviate a picture. Myrtle learnt that actually certain hexes did work on nosy ghosts.

I learnt that love doesn't die with one half of the couple.

We had our problems but, Per Ardua Ad Astram, and he took me there… while it lasted.

XXX

My first affair… I was with Ginerva Weasley officially. I was fucking Draco too though.

Draco Malfoy was a pure blood supremacist. At that point he was a future death eater. He was Experienced.

He wasn't Charlie. He wasn't Cedric. He was my rebound. I was just another person who wasn't the bastard of a father he was cursed with; another notch on his bedpost.

I think he guessed about Ced but he never asked and I never told. I didn't see the need the bear my soul to him; we were nothing special- just someone to keep the other company during the sleepless nights.

XXX

Severus was my first chance. Yeah, I know how to pick them. He was my ticket out of hell; my little light.

We were never physically attracted to each other; our relationship developed slowly between forced lessons in everything from occlumency to duelling. First he was a teacher, then an acquaintance, then confidant, then the father figure I was searching for, and only then did I realise I had allowed myself to fall in love. He never lied to me; I paid him the same courtesy. I always knew when he had been tortured. He always knew when I hadn't slept. We both knew exactly how to help the other.

I never truly believed he was a death eater. I was right.

My life has been lived so far in his honour. I have lived my life, and will continue to do so, for the man who deserved everything and got nothing.

He defined my understanding of Semper Fi.

I wrote his headstone and spoke the truth; that while I live he can safely say wherever he is Non Omnis Moriar.

XXX

I should say now just in case it is Albus reading this that I gave you name you have because Severus was a good man, a hero and a close confidant of mine. If I'm half the father to you and your siblings as he was to me I'll die safe in the knowledge I did well.

XXX

Sometimes a soul mate isn't the person you love the most. Sometimes the one for you is the biggest secret you'll ever keep even though you want to scream it from the highest rooftops. Sometimes love is different, difficult, even shameful. None of that makes it any less valuable.

True love doesn't have to be passionate or even be a physical attraction. True hate always is. Both will ultimately destroy you.

Trust is the building block for love and is too rare.

Even the best will in the world cannot change that living on your knees is sometimes the best option; the most honourable thing in the world.

Dying on your feet is simple, easy, quick, and leaves too much collateral damage.

If you have no one to live for, whether dead or alive is irrelevant, then life isn't worth living.

Non Tiembo Mala

XXX

Staring at the ceiling at 3am with my wife sleeping in another room is not how I had imagined my future.

My wife was always a prop; someone to keep the journalists quiet, nothing more, nothing less. Deep down we both always knew it.

It took seven years to consummate our marriage; less than five more before I realised I wasn't happy.

Our marriage became about ensuring our children were happy. We both had our affairs; neither one of us cared as long as no one else outside our tangled love lives knew.

Who knew that veela charms could wear off after about ten or twelve years?

Who knew Ginny always remembered the boy who invited her to her first dance?

We didn't know any of that.

But we learnt fast.

XXX

Family isn't defined by blood. Actions speak louder than words. Dum Spiro Spero.

AN- I don't own HP because then this would be cannon. It's meant to run parallel though. Please don't sue me JK I'm skint (broke). I can't even take credit for the Latin.

Gnothi Seauton Know thyself (taken from spooks series 7- tattooed on Lucas' torso)

Per Ardua Ad Astram Through hardship to the stars (RAF motto I think)

Semper Fi Always faithful (American Military Motto but I can't remember exactly which one- maybe navy??)

Non Omnis Moriar I shall not altogether die (Peter James' book 'Prophecy'- it's on the back)

Non Tiembo Mala I shall fear no evil (taken from supernatural, it's inscribed on the Colt)

Dum Spiro Spero While I breath I hope (take from spooks series 7- it's tattooed on Lucas' back)

1300 MS word count

Reviews appreciated