The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off to the Danger Zone again. Just some more madness from my tiny little mind.
That Explains A Lot
"How many closets do these people have?" Lana asked as she looked around the opulent closet in the palace of San Marcos. "Seriously this is like the fifth one we've found since the coup."
"At least this one is co-ed," Ray said as he tried on a white San Marcos admiral's uniform.
"And has a bar," Pam chuckled as she drank some champagne from a white mini bar made of marble. She was wearing a fashionable purple dress with a gold necklace.
"And a stripper pole! WHOOO!" Cherlene cheered as she twirled around a huge silver pole on a white pedestal. She was wearing a pink halter top and pink short shorts she had found in the closet.
"Three guesses what the former First Lady of San Marcos' profession was before she was married?" Ray chuckled as he admired himself in the mirror. "Not that I'm one to judge…"
"It just kind of makes me sick. All this flagrant wealth. I can barely afford diapers for this baby and these people…" Lana remarked as she sat down on a white couch. "I no longer feel bad about locking them up in the dungeon."
"I kind of feel a little sorry for them," Ray smirked. "They're locked up with Archer."
"You have a point," Lana sighed. "So where is everyone else? I know Krieger has been missing since the first day. But where are the others?"
"Mallory's off with Cyril doing their dictator stuff," Cherlene said as she stopped spinning. "Crushing rebel forces, increasing taxes on the citizens, building up the army. The usual."
"The Legion of Doom will be busy all day," Ray smirked. "Which is fine with me."
"I almost feel guilty we're having fun while Archer is locked up in the dungeons below," Lana said. Everyone looked at her. "I said almost!"
"We haven't had this good a break from Archer since the time he took off after Katya got killed," Pam thought. "Before she became a cyborg."
"I admit we weren't exactly looking that hard for him," Lana sighed. "Or the second time he ran off after Mallory got married."
"Mallory's wedding was the third time," Ray corrected. "Remember the first time he ran off? A week after we all graduated from training?"
"Oh right," Lana remembered. "Now what started that again? I was on a mission for a week and missed most of it."
"I was there," Ray chuckled. "Well…"
Flashback to many years ago…
"WHY CAN'T I BE PAIRED UP WITH LANA?" Archer yelled at his mother in her office. He still had the buzz cut from training where the sides of his head were shaved.
"YOU KNOW WHY!" Mallory shouted.
"Oh please I'm not going to sleep with her!" Archer snapped. "That will never happen!"
"HA!" Mallory shouted.
"You just can't handle me being around a black woman! I know you're racist and all that…" Archer barked.
"This has nothing to do with Lana's race. This has to do with your track record since the au pair incident which has not improved over time!" Mallory pounded her desk with her fist. "I don't want to lose the only other decent agent I've trained this past year to another sexual harassment lawsuit!"
"Well that makes me feel special," Ray grumbled. He was standing on the side of the office. His hair was in a buzz cut as well.
"You're just lucky I need you to keep the Diversity Gestapo off my back, Miss Gillette!" Mallory snapped. "Not to mention the only one here willing to do honeypot missions with men since for some reasons the few female agents we have suddenly developed morals!"
"Women not wanting to sleep with strange men for money. What is this world coming to?" Ray said sarcastically.
"I know right?" Mallory waved. "Kids these days."
"Well I don't want to work with what's his name!" Archer barked.
"Brett Bunsen," Mallory said.
"You know the guy is named after a Muppet right?" Archer asked.
"He's also one of the top agents here," Mallory said. "Mark my words that man is going to go far in this business. That's why I am pairing you with him. You can learn a lot from him."
"What? How to be totally lame? I'd learn more from Gillette even though it would all be gay stuff," Archer protested.
"Please. You are so not my type," Ray waved.
"I'M EVERYONE'S TYPE!" Archer barked. "Wait no…"
"Actually that statement is pretty accurate," Mallory groaned. "I still have to make checks to pay off our last head of Human Resources. Stupid cross eyed cow!"
"She wasn't that bad," Archer said. "As long as she had her glasses on…"
"I had that woman for five years and in five minutes you defiled her!" Mallory snapped.
"Uh trust me Mother," Archer snorted. "She was already filed way before I got here. I mean she knew stuff…"
"That's why this time I made sure I hired the fattest sloppiest heifer I could find!" Mallory snapped. "Poovey may not be the ideal hire but at least I know you'll never have sex with her!"
"Ew, no she's way too fat," Archer shuddered.
Back to the present…
"Remind me to not have sex with Archer while I'm thin," Pam folded her arms. "No seriously remind me because I'd probably forget while I'm high or something."
Back to the past…
"The only way I'd ever have sex with Pam is if I got high or something," Archer said to his mother. "Besides I'm already in a committed relationship with someone new."
"Since when?" Mallory barked.
"Since two days ago, God pay attention to my life instead of your own for once!" Archer threw up his hands.
"Oh great now you're six years old all over again," Mallory rolled her eyes. "Dare I ask who your quote unquote 'girlfriend' is this week? It's not someone from the office is it?"
"No! No! No!" Archer protested.
A tall blonde woman wearing a well-tailored green dress walked in with some files. "Here are the files you requested Ms. Archer."
"About time Cindy," Mallory barked. "I asked for them an hour ago."
"They were rather difficult to find," Cindy giggled as she winked at Archer. "Those files were so hard…"
"Apparently they weren't the only thing that was hard," Ray quipped.
"What? Oh you can't be serious!" Mallory yelled. "MY SECRETARY? YOU SLEPT WITH MY SECRETARY?"
"Way to keep your relationships outside the office," Ray remarked.
"Shut up!" Archer barked. He looked at Cindy. "Oh yeah right. Her. That's who I was talking about."
"You little tramp! You're fired!" Mallory shouted at Cindy.
"You can't fire me!" Cindy shouted.
"YOU CAN'T FIRE MY GIRLFRIEND!" Archer barked.
"I can and I have," Mallory huffed.
"What do you mean I'm fired?" An attractive brunette sauntered in. "For what?"
"What do you…? Oh Lord…" Ray looked at the two of them and snickered.
"Uh hello…uh…" Archer blinked.
"Andrea, your girlfriend!" The brunette snapped.
"I'm his girlfriend!" Cindy barked.
"That's not what Sterling said this morning in the copy room!" Andrea snapped.
"Well that's certainly what Sterling said this afternoon in the supply closet!" Cindy yelled.
The women both glared at Archer. "Uh…Wow I didn't think you two would compare notes so fast," Archer blinked.
"Our desks are in the same room you idiot!" Andrea barked.
"Well whichever one is Sterling's girlfriend you're fired before a catfight breaks out!" Mallory poured herself a drink. "Congratulations Sterling! You've done it again!"
"In that case Cindy is his girlfriend," Andrea said quickly.
"WHAT?" Cindy shouted. "I've been with this agency for years! Mallory I've been your secretary forever!"
"And that is why I am utterly sick of you," Mallory remarked. "Now that I think about it, I'm sick of both of you. You're both fired."
"Why are we fired and not him?" Andrea pointed to Archer.
"Gee why wouldn't Mommy not fire her son?" Ray quipped. "Let me think a minute…"
"Don't you have anything better to do than stand there mincing about?" Mallory barked.
"He's not really mincing if he's just standing Mother," Sterling rolled his eyes. "God get your verbs right."
"It's an expression you…" Mallory fumed.
"If you fire me Mallory it will be the biggest mistake you ever made!" Cindy snapped.
"Too late. That is the biggest mistake I ever made!" Mallory pointed to Archer.
"Oh ha, ha! Very funny! And if you fire whichever one is my actual girlfriend I am leaving!" Archer barked. "Because obviously coming to work for you was a mistake!"
"And what else are you going to do with your pathetic life besides screwing around with every bimbo who will throw her legs up in the air for you?" Mallory snapped.
"I had a promising career as a lacrosse player! I could always be a coach!" Archer barked.
"Oh there's a career path!" Mallory snorted. "Yes I'm sure you can go on one of the major teams. You know how big Pro Lacrosse is in this country! All those major endorsement deals from sports bra manufactures."
"Oh here we go again!" Archer threw up his hands. "You've always put down lacrosse! And you know why? It's something that actually makes me happy!"
"Obviously you've replaced it with a new sport that makes you equally happy!" Mallory barked. "I see Whore Hunting Season has come early this year!"
"HEY!" Cindy and Andrea shouted as one.
"Actually I think that's a year round activity," Ray remarked.
"Is there a reason why you are here instead of doing actual work?" Mallory barked.
"You called me to your office," Ray gave her a look. "You said you wanted me for an assignment."
"Oh right. I had something for you," Mallory frowned. "Never mind. I'll remember it later. Not important. Like you two talentless whores!" She growled at the women.
"I don't have to take this anymore!" Cindy snapped.
"And yet you still stand there," Mallory smirked. "As useless and irrelevant as Sterling's lacrosse career!"
"It will be big someday Mother! You just don't understand sports," Archer waved. As he was ranting Cindy stormed out of the room.
"I understand a delusion when I see one," Mallory barked. "Face it Sterling you are here because you have no skills, no talent, no ambition and nowhere else to go!"
"Oh I am going places Mother!" Sterling snarled. "I have been trained as a secret agent that can do anything!"
"And apparently anyone," Ray added.
"Shut up!" Archer snapped at Ray. "My point is with all the training I have had I can go anywhere and do anything I want and you can't stop me!"
"Who's stopping you?" Mallory barked. "Besides half your training you didn't even pay attention to! I had to fill in enough correct answers so you could pass the ISIS final exam! If it wasn't for me you wouldn't even be a secret agent!"
"And again you made my point on how you ruined my life!" Archer snapped.
"The feeling is mutal!" Mallory snapped.
"I'm taking my plants and I'm out of here!" Cindy barked as she walked by the door carrying a box. "Sterling are you coming with me?"
"Phrasing…Wait does that count?" Archer blinked.
"No, he's coming with me!" Andrea snapped. "To ODIN! Where I know we'll be appreciated!"
"Over your dead body!" Mallory shouted. She started rooting in her desks. "Where the hell did I put my gun? I hate it when I change desks. I can never remember where anything is!"
"Sterling who are you going with?" Cindy asked. Archer didn't answer. "Sterling?"
"Hold on. I'm trying to remember who gave me the bigger orgasm," Archer was lost in thought.
"NEVER MIND!" Cindy shouted. "Mallory, go to Hell!" She stormed away.
Andrea slapped Archer. "PIG!" She stormed off too.
"You certainly do have a way with the ladies don't you Archer?" Ray quipped.
"I also have a way with a gun!" Archer pulled it out. Ray ducked just before Archer shot.
BANG! BANG!
"AAAAAH!" Someone yelled. "DAMN IT! I'VE BEEN SHOT!"
"Damn it Brett! I wasn't aiming for you!" Archer called out. "Way to get in the way of my bullets!"
"Ooh that bloodstain is not going to come out of that carpet," Ray winced at the sight.
"What the…?" Mallory got up and walked over to the doorway. "Great! I knew I should have sprung for Scotch Gard!"
"As you can see Mother I can take care of myself!" Archer snapped. "Which I have been doing for a long time! Since I was six actually."
"Could somebody please call an ambulance?" Brett moaned.
"Not now Brett!" Archer barked. "I'm talking here! I don't have to take this from you anymore Mother! I am out of here!"
"Fine! Go! Go!" Mallory barked as her son stormed out. "See if I care what happens to you! I give you a week before you come crying to Mommy! Like you did that one Christmas Eve!"
"Seriously I really don't feel well here…" Brett moaned.
"I am going Mother! And I am not coming back!" Archer shouted.
"I'll believe that when I see it!" Mallory yelled.
"Well open your eyes! You're seeing it!" Archer yelled as he turned around and yelled at his mother.
"I'm starting to see a white light…" Brett moaned. "Oh wait that's just the florescent bulbs."
"Go on! Go! And don't forget to leave your keycard at the front desk!" Mallory shouted. "I don't even know why I even thought this would be a good idea!"
"I know what you were thinking!" Archer barked. "You were thinking of new ways to control my life!"
"Speaking of life I really need to go to a hospital here before I lose mine…" Brett moaned as he managed to stand up. "Oooh. Lot of blood loss."
"You want to go? There's the door!" Mallory snapped.
"And here's my damn keycard!" Archer threw it at her but missed. "And my security pass! And my gun while you're at it!" He threw both at the same time. "Good bye!"
BANG!
"AAAAH!" Brett yelled as he got shot in the behind and fell to the ground. "Oh that hurts!"
"I'm out of here!" Archer stormed away.
"You'll be back!" Mallory shouted. "Wait and see you'll be back!"
"My backside…" Brett moaned.
"Brett how did you manage to get shot again?" Mallory shouted. "This better not become a habit mister!"
"Uh should I do something about…?" Ray pointed to Brett on the floor.
"Yes! Now I remember what I wanted you for!" Mallory snapped. "Call the carpet cleaners and tell them I have a coupon. And it's a rush job. Oh and…Do something about Brett too." She went back into her office.
"O-kay," Ray blinked.
The next day when the ambulance and the carpet cleaners had left…
"I swear I need new carpet cleaners," Mallory hissed in disapproval as she looked at the floor with a glass of scotch in her hand. "Savings my eye! They charge me an arm and a leg and they still didn't get all blood out of the carpet. I should make Brett pay for this, it's his blood that's made the mess."
"Not to mention your son who shot him?" Ray gave her a look. He and Cyril were in the office with her. Cyril was working on a nearby computer.
"Good point. I'll take some money out of his paycheck too," Mallory huffed. "Whenever he comes back from sulking in whatever hole he's crawled into."
"That might be a problem," Cyril winced. "Almost all the accounts have been emptied."
"WHAT?" Mallory yelled. "How could all that money be gone?"
"Uh did your secretary know all your passwords?" Ray asked. "Including the ones to ISIS' accounts?"
Mallory blinked. "DAMN IT!"
"Yeah she pretty much cleaned these accounts all out," Cyril blinked. "Wow she took a lot of money."
"That's it. The next time I hire a secretary I'm going to get a total idiot," Mallory groaned. "Seriously I am going to get someone so stupid she can barely turn on a computer, let alone hack into it!"
Back to the present.
"Huh. That story explains a lot," Lana thought aloud.
"Particularly that big bloodstain in the middle of the office floor we could never get out," Cherlene thought aloud.
"Archer's hissy fit lasted a total of two weeks before he came back to work," Ray finished his story. "From Thailand where he was deported for moral reasons."
"Oh yeah. I was there for that part," Pam remembered. "You would not believe how many forms you have to fill out when an employee comes back from vacation with a brand new strain of venereal disease no one has heard of before."
Everyone looked at her. "It's five," Pam went on. "Plus there's that extra one for the Center for Disease Control. And the mandatory memos which now that I think about it I forgot to send out. Okay not as much forgot to send out. I just didn't feel like doing it."
"Yeah could have used a head's up Pam!" Cherlene snapped.
"Seriously," Lana groaned.
"Thanks Pam!" Cherlene snapped.
"Okay my bad," Pam shrugged.
"Eww…" Ray winced. "You all might want to get tested or something when we get back."
"Definitely," Lana grumbled.