Sunlight spilled into the room through the cracks of the white window blinds. The warm light poured over the plastic beds, illuminating the stark white sheets.
Tyler stirred absentmindedly, tossing and turning beneath the only blanket he'd been given, a sheer white bed sheet too small for the bed. He hadn't been able to sleep much since he got here, the plastic bed creaked every time he turned over in his sleep. That combined with the thoughts orbiting his brain caused a very restless night.
More light filled the room as a nurse pushed open the door, letting light from the hallway fill the room.
"Tyler?" The nurse called into the bleak room, there was no response so she called out his name once again. "Tyler"
Tyler stirred in his bed, pressing his eyes shut and face deep into the vinyl pillow, trying to block all sunlight from his vision.
"Tyler!" The nurse repeated in a raised voice, staring at the teenager sized lump, underneath the bedsheet.
"Hmpf" Tyler groaned into his pillow, stretching his legs out and pulling his head off his pillow.
"It's morning" The nurse replied still standing in the door frame.
Tyler kicked the hollow bed frame loudly, before sitting up on the firm mattress. He could see the door to the bathroom was ajar, and the second bed was empty.
The nurse took this as a win and left the room, pushing a large vitals cart down to the next room.
Tyler got up, slowly dragging his socked feet across the carpeted floor, to peek into the bathroom. Josh was standing there, staring into the mirror as he brushed his teeth.
"Morning" Tyler spoke, his voice cracking on the last syllable.
Josh spit into the sink and wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his scrubs.
"Hey" Josh said, almost whispering.
"How'd you sleep" Tyler inquired, leaned against the frame of the door, as the nurse had just moments ago.
"I didn't really" Josh replied, not breaking eye contact with his reflection.
Josh had shaggy brown hair that fell to his eyebrows, it was greasy and looked like it hadn't been combed in a week. Tyler, on the other hand, had short brown hair, shaven quite close except for a fluffy tuft on the top.
"Me either" Tyler agreed, staring down at his feet, they made him wear dark blue socks with little white grips on the bottom, they were too small and the seam pressed into the front of his toes, making them quite uncomfortable.
|-/
A nurse welcomed tyler as he entered the main room.
"Hello, Tyler? Is it? Since it's your first day were going-" The nurse began.
"To take labs, I know I've been here before" Tyler interrupted her coldly.
"Alright, well just follow me into this room, over here" She gestured to the "quiet room", which was basically just a storage closet that they could legally lock patients in.
A male nurse was waiting for them in the room, he was tall with blonde hair, he had a trimmed beard that made him look like a teacher. He gestured for tyler to sit down on the only furniture in the room, a cushion covered chair, bolted to the floor.
"Roll up your sleeve, son" The nurse said, in an unexpectedly deep voice.
Tyler did as he was told and rolled up the sleeve of his black, long sleeve shirt, that he wore beneath his itchy blue scrubs.
The male nurse held Tyler's arm tightly to his leg while the female nurse prepared the needle.
.
The tight plastic band slowly cut off tyler's circulation, his fingers no longer felt connected to his body. It felt like just his arm was dissociated, chopped from his body and floating inches away.
The pinch of the needle entering his skin brought him back to reality.
When it was over the nurse wheeled the cart out of the room and showed to an empty seat in the main room.
Josh was right next to him, writing on a bright blue piece of paper in a manila folder.
Tyler took his seat and looked at the papers in front of him. There was a manilla folder, identical to Josh's in front of him, along with small, erasers-less pencil. Inside the folder were about 30 different worksheets, the one on top was blue and said "Daily Goals".
Tyler flipped through the papers and talked to josh in a whisper.
"Tyler?" A nurse called from across the room, standing next to a large metal cart. It looks like the ones that held school lunch in elementary school.
When he got up there a nurse handed him a beige tray with a clear plastic dome covering a plate. He couldn't tell exactly what was in there cause the plastic was clouded with steam.
When he was back to his seat he removed the lid and stared down at his breakfast, a cardboard box of cheerios sitting in a plastic bowl with 2 sugar packets, a carton of skim milk, slightly undercooked scrambled eggs, two sausages, a pancake, off-brand vanilla yogurt, and a decaf cup of coffee with cream, exactly what he'd ordered the night before.
He peeled the lid off his cup of coffee and dumped the creamer in, you weren't allowed caffeine on the ward so he had to deal with decaf.
Tyler looked over at Josh's tray, a similar ordeal, eggs, bacon, waffles, granola, toast, and tea.
"What'd you put as your goal for today?" Josh asked, while rhythmically dunking his tea bag into the hot water.
"To think positively" Tyler scoffed, it was all bullshit, this was his 5th trip to the psych ward and he was running out of goals to use.
"I put communication" Josh replied, pulling the tea bag out and setting it down onto his plate.
"Ah, a good goal" Tyler laughed, pushing his eggs around the plate.
"No talking!" A nurse shouted across the room to Tyler.
|-/
The first group of the day was held in the "bean bag room" named creatively for its abundance of bean bags. 10 or so teens filled through the door and took their seats in overly-stuffed vinyl bean bags.
Tyler sat down next to Josh in a forest green one. The seams were starting to bust open, which become apparent as tyler sunk into in, stuffing pressed against the seams and started to tear the string.
Josh was sitting next to him, in a bright red bean bag, the color had begun to fade and the seams were splitting.
"What group did she say this was?" Josh asked, leaning over closer to Tyler.
"Goals" Tyler quickly replied, sinking deeper into the beanbag.
Josh groaned and began to pick at the beanbag's seams.
A small boy with thick framed glasses approached them, coming to sit down next to tyler. Tyler flashed him a mean look. The boy looked confused, but tyler kept his death stare until the boy walked away from them.
"What was his problem?" the boy muttered to himself, walking away.
A short lady entered the room, she had frizzy blonde hair and looked like a hippy. She wore a tie-dye long sleeved shirt underneath her pale pink scrubs. Her eyes were a glassy green, reflecting off the lens of her red-framed glasses.
"Hello, how are you guys this morning?" She chirped, while sitting down in a cushioned metal chair at the front of the room, it was rumored the chairs weighed 67 lbs. So that patients couldn't pick them up. However, Josh could lift them quite easily.
"Fuckin' shitty" A girl called out.
"No vulgar language" The woman at the front reprimanded her. "Anyone else want to share their feelings?"
"I want to die" Another kid responded.
"Same" the original girl echoed.
"That's enough!" The lady exclaimed. "Let's go in a circle and introduce ourselves, for the new people joining us" The woman gestured towards Tyler, smiling. It was a sickly fake smile, all the doctors had it.
A younger teen at the front started. "I'm Jason. I'm 13 and I'm here cause I hurt myself"
The kid who said he wanted to die was next. "I'm Ashton, I'm 16 and I'm here cause I OD'd on sleeping pills"
The circle continued until it reached tyler "My names Tyler, I'm 16 and I want to die, again" He smiled, he'd given this introduction so many times, he knew almost all of the nurses by now.
The woman flashed a concerned smile and moved on to the next teen.
|-/
Tyler's mom rubbed her palms, staring across the table at tyler. Tyler's dad on the other hand just looked unfocused at the floor. He looked ashamed, here was his eldest son, in the psych ward for the 5th time.
Tyler was a fuck-up and his parents knew it, you could see it in their eyes.
It felt like hours before the family therapist finally entered the room.
"How's everyone doing today?" She asked, sitting down in an office chair.
"Alright" His mother responded.
Tyler just shrugged.
His dad said nothing.
"So Tyler, your file says this is your 5th trip to the hospital. Is that correct?"
Tyler nodded.
"What brought you here the first time?" She asked with a soft voice, dripping of honey, yet laced with poison.
Tyler thought back, his first visit was last year. The memory was so vivid in his mind it consumed him.
|-/
He could feel his heartbeat throughout his entire body.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
It was getting faster, his heart was pumping faster.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
The pounding shook his whole body.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Is this what dying feels like? He whispered to himself.
Sweat was dripping from his forehead in buckets, his hair was drenched in sweat.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
He couldn't breathe, why weren't his lungs working. They spasmed and shook, desperately gasping for air.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
He could feel the cold tile of his bathroom floor pressed into his cheek. The whole floor was shaking. Everything was moving, couldn't everything stand still for just one moment? A moment of stillness. He was losing time as the moments passes, lapses of memories as he fell between consciousness.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Tyler's t-shirt was choking him, the collar dug into his neck like a noose.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
His stomach was doing somersaults, quivering and shuddering with every breath tyler took.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
His entire body convulsed, spasming. He couldn't stop it, He'd never felt more in control his whole life.
Thump. Thump. Thump
Tyler's stomach gave one final wretch before vomiting up its contents. His body spasmed, choking on the puke as it left his mouth. His whole body burned like someone had lit him on fire.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
He slammed his head hard on the white porcelain base of the toilet. He couldn't stop himself. Vomit coated the floor, it dripped from his mouth and smeared across his face.
Thump. Thump Thump.
He thrashed violently onto the ground, smacking his head into the wall, vomit continued to fall from his mouth, half dissolved pills sticking to his lips.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
This was no longer the fast thumping from inside Tyler's chest. This was external, it sounded far away even though it was close by. The whole bathroom shook from these bangs. Tyler couldn't speak, he was choking on his own stomach contents and teetering on the line between life and death.
"TYLER! WHAT'S GOIN ON" His father shouted pounding on the door.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
His family hopelessly jiggled the doorknob, which was locked from the inside.
"TYLER LET US IN" His father shouted.
All the sound blended together, he could hear distant cries and pleads to unlock the door. The sound distorted itself and morphed together into a deafening buzz. He could barely see, his eyelids were heavy, he was fighting just hard enough to keep them open.
There was bright white light absorbing him, all the colors of the bathroom faded into one blob, he could feel himself slip away as he convulsed on the floor.
With his last bit of strength, he turned his head to the bathroom door, just in time to see it fly open with a distant crash. The last thing he saw were feet, storming into the bathroom. Then everything dissolved into the light.
|-/
"Tyler?" The social worker repeated, sounding confused.
"Oh sorry, uh…. it was an overdose"
The woman nodded and scribbled something down on a piece of paper.
"What about the other 3 times?" She asked, looking up from her folder.
"Uh, psychiatrist sent me twice, then I ran away" Tyler said, rubbing his sweaty palms together.
"What about the most recent time?"
"Overdose"
"Mhm" Tyler looked absent-mindedly to the window behind her.