I wish you could see.
-Chapter 1-
It was difficult. It has always been difficult for me not to see. I thought I would have gotten used to it, but it has turned out to be degenerative to only be able to imagine what, once upon a time, I could have seen.
They all tried to make it easy, to make things easier for me but in reality, they just felt guilty about my conditions. It was my best friends fault if, two months before, I had had that car accident. I ended up in the hospital with a dark bandage on my eyes but I still didn't know that it would have been all dark forever.
My parents decided that it would have been much better if I changed schools, so they brought me to a specialized one for the blind, where I would follow special classes and learn how to read Braille. The thing that mattered the most to me was to learn how to read music and to play the guitar, because I had no intention to let my passion for music go. My voice wasn't damaged, I could do it.
I was half happy and half sad thinking about abandoning the school that, for my whole life, had been my world but, and it deeply hurt to admit, I wasn't part of anymore. I couldn't live in a world where all my friends talked about pretty girls who I wasn't interested in and that now I could only imagine.
I was sitting in the car, on the back seat, while my parents drove silently to the Doge College with the radio at a really low volume. I couldn't see the road or look at the sky and wonder if it would rain. I had become a half man and I felt like I had disappointed someone with that sudden change. The fact that I was gay had already shaken the familiar balance and now they really could say that I was a handicapped. It was painful, I hated that. The problem was that I believed it. I didn't feel normal.
« We are almost there, dear. » my mother squeaked with the worried tone she usually used when she was talking to me. Did she feel guilty? As if my condition was her fault.
I heard the car sliding on a noisy dirty road and I imagined it was in the open countryside, surrounded by fruit trees, in a sort of happy island.
Why wasn't I able to see all this?
The car slipped and someone switched off the radio. My father coughed and shut off the car.
« Are we there? » I asked.
« Yep. » my mother answered in a breath. It was frustrating to hear that she was holding back the tears, painful and frustrating.
Someone, my father probably, opened the car trunk to take my things, my mother got out of the car and came to open my door. They were both so kind and sad that, just for this time, I decided not to point out how much I hated to see that suddenly they were vitiating me. I felt my mother's hand taking mine, dragging me out of the car to the entrance door. We went through what might have been the courtyard, because I heard the voices of some guys mixing in one dissonant and noisy melody until someone ran into my father who was dragging my luggage. I heard the thud and then a mortified apologizing murmur, followed by irregular steps that went away.
My mother's hand held mine tighter. Dad knocked, strongly, and the sound echoed beyond the door that, a few seconds later, someone opened. It didn't creaked while it was opening, I just heard the lock fluid click.
« Mr. and Mrs. Anderson? » a feminine, helpful, know-it-all voice asked.
« Yes, exactly. » my father answered after a moment of hesitation. « We're here for our son Blaine… » he started, but I stopped him.
« I still know how to talk, Dad. » I blurted, more acidly than I wanted to sound.
« Of course you can. » said the voice, agreeing with me. A hand i didn't know took my wrist, walking quickly inside, bringing me blindly through a corridor. I heard the noise of my mother's heels behind my back and someone saying to my father to give him my luggage and that I would find it in my room.
My new life was about to begin and I already felt terribly and obnoxiousness alone. That sensation was so sudden and painful that I had to bit my lips to keep from crying.
« Be careful of the four steps. » the know-it-all voice warned me. As she had just said we got into some steps, covered by soft carpets, on which I almost stumble. I wasn't used to walking that fast, I was losing my sense of direction.
I was getting hotter, at the point that I could have taken off my coat.
We entered a room, suddenly stopped, and she let go of my wrist.
« So, welcome to "Andrew Doge's College of the Blind." I'm Janet and I deal with paperwork and acceptance. Now I will assign to you a tutor, who is one of the best students of the school. Obviously he's from your same year. His job is to help you get oriented. Trust him and listen to him, okay? It's the best way to integrate here. » then, without waiting for an answer, she turned to my parents. « It's time for hugs and kisses! See you on Halloween. »
My mother held me tight, without stopping her sobs, while my father put a hand on my shoulder. « It's all going to be okay. » I told them, making a fake smile. They should have told me that, but I know they wouldn't have said it. She had cried for a long time but, thanks to God, she stopped. While they were leaving the room, my parents closed the door, leaving me alone with Janet in a place that I didn't even know and that I couldn't see. It was like being suspended on nothing, leaving nothing surrounding me.
« From what I see your tutor is going to be Kurt Hummel. » the voice of the girl now came from a place under my head, I guessed we might have been in a sort of office and that she might have been sitting.
« What will he make me do? » I asked, feeling incredibly stupid and incompetent thinking about not to be at the same level of any of the boys.
« It depends. He will organize what you'll need. His file is an excellent grades orgy, for God's sake! » I heard the rustle of the sheets of paper Janet was reading. The click of the lock made me instinctively turn around, even though I couldn't see who had entered anyway.
« Oh, you must be Kurt. We were just talking about you! » squeaked Janet and I heard her stand up, probably to bring me nearer the person who had just come in.
« I can do it by myself, I swear. » I told her, keeping my hands in front of me trying to go to where I heard the door opening. Gropingly I found a hand that leaned to my chest. Suddenly I felt two hands quickly touching my face, dwelling on my rebellious curly hair and my long eyelashes. He passed two fingers on my lips and all along my neck, to lean on my shoulders in the end.
« Pleasure: I'm Kurt. I guess you already know it. » From the person in front of me came a high pitch voice, so strange that I found it hard to identify.
« I thought you were a boy. » I exclaimed, not thinking about how offensive it could sound.
A sort of laugh shook the body in front of me.
« Actually, I am a boy. » he answered.
I blushed. Now I sounded even worse. I had to have made a terrible first impression. I always thought i was good at this kind of thing, I guess not.
« I... I'm mortified. I really am. »
He laughed again.
« I forgive you, just because everyone does that the first time. » he answered.
Janet coughed.
« I leave you to your orientation. I've got things to check in the archive. Kurt, you know what to do, don't you? » she asked. The sound of her heels came near to us, and then it went further and went out of the door. Turning my face I involuntarily hit Kurt's chest and I realized he was nearer than I thought. Maybe for a blind person having people so close was normal.
« Sure. » he answered, more to himself than to Janet who was already gone. Kurt closed the door and then put a hand on my back, pushing me to the center of the office.