Cat-Scratch Fever

Description: The Freelancers are back from a well-deserved shore-leave, and things are slowly settling back down on the MOI, but when an allergic Director claims a cat is on-board, all eyes are on Wash and the mysterious box he brought on-board. But when Tex and company take pity on the felines, will they help Wash hide them from the Director, or will all chaos break loose, all over a few kittens?

Request: For the fic request thing can you do one where Wash smuggles a kitten onto the MoI and all the freelancers reactions to it?

A/N: I feel it's a crime I haven't written more Wash with cats yet… also, I heard people in reply to my Guns For Hire fic calling for more badass/motherly Tex. Same AU as "Soldier Boy", so it's carwash siblings, and we all know what THAT means!

"Agents! Attention!"

It's wasn't unusual for the Director to yell harshly at his Freelancers (Although it's not something any of them got used to), but something about the way he said it… someone on-board was going to get chewed out for something, and knowing Washington's luck, York guessed it was him. Wash had bad luck when it came to anything Director related. As the Freelancers all lined up at attention, York spotted Wash about two people to his left, with Wyoming and Florida at his sides. The rookie looked a bit nervous, as most people tend to be when faced by an angry Director, but something seemed… off. York just couldn't place exactly what that was though.

"Agents! I've called you all here on very important business!" The Director began, looking them over as he walked up and down the line. "It has come to my attention that an animal of some sort has been snuck aboard the MOI."

Yep. Definitely Washington. York looked over at Wash again as the Director turned his back, noticing Florida leaning over and whispering something into the blond's ear. With a hesitant nod from Wash, Florida straightened, moving back to attention as the Director turned around again. Carolina, to York's right, gave the locksmith a worried look, mouthing 'What's wrong' to the man. York shrugged, honest to God not knowing what Florida had said to Wash, only that it noticeably calmed the kid down. To York's left stood Tex, the one in-between York and Florida, and she leaned over to York, having to stand on her toes to reach York's ear.

"Keep quiet about this… it's Wash. He brought something on-board after shore-leave. Meet everyone in the common room at two-hundred AM." The woman ordered, turning her attention back to the Director.

"I want everyone here to know right now, I will find out who exactly brought this… infernal animal onto my ship. And when I find you, there will be severe consequences! Dismissed!" With that, the Director was off, the Counselor hot on his tail whispering something about medicine and allergies.

York turned to Carolina, lightly grabbing her arm as she made to go back to completing her schedule. "We all gotta meet up at two in the commons, 'kay?" He asked, giving her a worried knit of his eyebrows. "Tex said something about Wash having something… we should keep it to the Freelancers."

Carolina nodded at her boyfriend knowingly. "On it. Goddamn that kid… if I find out why in the world Wash brought a cat on-board, I'll kill him!"

"Wait, how'd you know Wash brought a cat on-board?" York questioned, looking positively baffled.

"Oh, well, as a little kid, Wash always tried to bring cats home, but Dad refused to let him keep 'em!" Carolina explained, then paused, eyes going wide. "I, um,what I meant was… I heard he likes cats?"

York sighed internally. "Look, whatever it is, we'll talk later. I don't think the Director will be happy if we miss our training."

"Our training? Your definition of training is wheeling around in a computer office chair while eating chips and coaching us to do better." Carolina decided to point out, raising an eyebrow at the brunet.

"Hey, I'm fighting fit!" York announced, glaring halfheartedly at the usually aqua-armored Freelancer. "Who do you think beat Wyoming in arm-wrestling?"

"Everyone on-board. Wyoming is shit at hand-to-hand." Carolina explained, walking away from the locksmith. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a shooting range contest with South in ten minutes."

"Wait!" York called, jogging behind the red-head at a moderate pace. "You'll still come to that meeting at two, right?"

"Of course I will, York. Wash may be an idiot for bringing a pussycat on-board, but I sure as fuck ain't leaving him to the face the Director alone!" Carolina proclaimed, before running off in a hurry to make it before the match.

Alone, York felt Delta come online, a grass green spark in the back of his head, syncing and spiraling through his spine to find the roots of his brain and make his presence known. To everyone back home: he electrocuted him on accident. "Fuck! D! Watch it in there!" York commanded, rubbing his neck soothingly where it burned.

Delta appeared by York's side, a tiny green ghost in the star-lit room. "I apologize, Agent York. There are still things to understand and adjust to in your body and mind." He explained, though he didn't look that sorry. "Now then, may I be of any assistance?"

"I only need one thing I think," York promised, taking a seat in one of the chairs of the meeting room he was in. Despite it being four weeks since implantation, York still felt somewhat dizzy when Delta sparked to life. "Can you set a silent-alarm for one forty-five AM?"

"Certainly. May I inquire as to what it is needed for? I must apologize, I was running a diagnostic during the Director's meeting and failed to record what incident has occurred on the MOI." Delta admitted, looking almost ashamed, if a rarely changing AI hologram could possibly look ashamed.

"Hey, don't worry about it. The Director's just pissed 'cus he's paranoid about somebody bringing a pet on-board. I gotta meet everyone at two for a little 'Secret Meeting' if you know what I mean." York explained, waving off his AI's initial paranoia, which was much like the Director's when it came to on-board situations and secrets.

"Pardon me, York. But I do not believe an orgy is prohibited on-board the MOI." Delta mused, without even looking the least bit moved by his own words.

"No, no, no! Jesus Christ, it's not THAT kinda meeting!" York begged the AI to understand. "Geez, I never knew you had such a dirty mind, D."

"An Artificial Intelligence cannot, per say, have a 'dirty mind', Agent York. We can only understand from initial 'digging' of our host's mind to find out information… you are the one with the 'dirty mind', Agent York." Delta announced, giving York an almost judgmental look, which he always managed to pull off.

"Whatever, it's not that kinda meeting, D. It's like a business meeting, but it's a secret, and nobody but the Freelancers and the AI can know about it. So don't tell the Director, you already ruined movie night with that shit. I've never heard a grown man scream that loud from a jump-scare in my life… the Director has crazy timing." York muttered, remembering that fateful night all too well.

"I must agree with you on that, York. However, I do not see the reason for a 'secret meeting'. I feel the Director should be made aware of such a meeting if there is a serious danger on-board." Delta explained, looking hesitant to follow through.

"Come on, Delta. Haven't you ever wanted to rebel a little, maybe do something against protocol? Live a little, buddy." York ordered, folding his arms behind his head in relaxation as he spoke to the AI.

"… I have wished to investigate more 'accurate' behaviors from human beings in situations such as yourselves, and protocol does indeed influence that data." Delta admitted, looking deep in thought as his avatar's visor faced the floor.

"See? That's not so bad, right? You wanna see what me and my friends are like after hours, and I wanna keep this on the down-low. Nothing wrong with that!" York encouraged, hoping he'd finally gotten through to his AI.

"I suppose there is little harm in… experimenting." Delta almost struggled with the words, still sounding apprehensive around the whole situation.

"There ya go! Now come on, we still got training with North in a few minutes." York reminded his companion, running towards the designated training room.

"Agent York, I do not believe that 'snacking' is a proper definition for training." Delta criticized, sounding like a disappointed history teacher.

"Oh, not you too!" York yelled, ignoring his AI's criticism in favor of making it to the training room on time.

At precisely two AM the next morning, Agents North Dakota, South Dakota, Texas, New York, Carolina, Connecticut, Wyoming, Florida, and Maine gathered around in the common room. The common room was pretty much the only place besides one or two training halls that were only for the Freelancers. The Director could enter the common room if he wanted to, but he never did, something all of the Freelancers were thankful for. The common room had a large, plasma screen TV, one couch in front the TV, one couch in the very back of the room (A very 'popular' spot for couples), multiple chairs scattered (Mainly around the TV), a ping-pong table, a checkers table, three desks lining the walls, a large rug covering the floor, and a huge coffee table in-between the seats and TV.

Maine was lying on the couch in the back of the room, passed out and snoring up a storm. Connie was sitting on his legs, tapping away on her black and brown laptop, Pokemon and Nintendogs stickers covering the front. Wyoming and Florida were at the checkers table, Florida silent, and Wyoming cursing up a storm as he slammed his piece down during his turn. Carolina and York were sitting in two of the chairs by the TV, playing an intense game of Super Smash Bros Wii-U, both looking extremely angry/cocky as they screamed at their characters to do better. North and South were on the couch, North starting to fall asleep, and South smacking him occasionally to keep him awake while messing around on her own laptop.

And finally, there was Tex, arms braced on the back of Carolina's chair as she whispered advice to the younger girl on how to kick York's ass. After a few more minutes, Tex lost her patience in both the game and Washington and stormed off and away from Carolina's chair, looking impatient. "For God's sake, where's Washington!? We've been waiting here for almost ten minutes!"

Wyoming glanced up at Tex, giving her an unimpressed look. "Will you quiet down? If you haven't noticed, I'm playing a game here. Don't worry, my dear Texas. That boy will be here any minute now, so don't get in a tissy." He grabbed one of his pieces off the board, moving it until it reached the other end, hopping over all of Florida's pieces. "I win, my gent."

Florida was unmoved, grabbing a chess game's black queen piece and clapping it onto Wyoming's winning checkers piece. "Go Fish. I win again, buddy."

"Oh, dammit!" Wyoming cursed his luck, shaking his head as he gathered up the pieces to set them all up once more. "You always win this game."

"The fuck are you guys playing?" Tex asked, forgetting her anger temporarily as she pulled up a chair, plopping down beside the checkers table, eyes on the board. "That sure as Hell wasn't a checkers match."

"We're playing Florida-ball." Florida explained, as if it were that simple. "But I lent my football and Frisbee to Maine a few days ago, so we can't play the full version."

"Florida-ball sounds stupid." Tex determined in no time flat, not at all impressed by Florida's very small explanation of the game.

Wyoming shot Tex a warning glare, but Florida was already on it. "Hahaha… I wouldn't insult this little game if I were you, Allison. Someone might hurt you if you do."

Tex was about to yell a crude 'Blow me', when Washington came tiptoeing into the room, a large cardboard box held in his arms. "Sorry I'm late, everyone! I got held up when I was talking to FILSS, I had to convince her to keep secret about this. She told me it made her circuits feel crossed… she said she liked it."

"Great, our on-board dumb AI is a revolutionist." Wyoming muttered, leaning back in his chair to stare over at his ex-student. "You ready to let them in on our little secret, lad?"

"Yeah, I think so." Wash mumbled, setting the cardboard box down and opening it up, pulling out two kittens at a time and setting them on the floor, until he'd pulled out ten tiny kittens, all varying in fur color and size. "So… these are my cats. I found them during shore-leave, and it was gonna rain that day… I'm sorry. Please don't tell Da- the Director!" He caught himself seconds before he could spill anything big.

Tex tilted her head, walking over to the glaring of kittens, scooping up a tiny black one with bright amber colored eyes. "… I'm disappointed in you, Wash." She scolded, managing to sound like a mildly unimpressed mother talking to her child. "You should've known better than to break protocol, especially when you know the Director is allergic to cats.

Wash bowed his head, for some reason feeling more ashamed, but he couldn't place why he would. Yeah, he did respect all of the Freelancers quite a bit, but not enough to see any of them as his parents, not even Wyoming (Especially not Wyoming, not after shore-leave…)! "I'm sorry, Tex. But please, don't tell the Director! He might space them, or throw them in a furnace, or-"

"Whoa there, Wash," Carolina came into the conversation, picking up an orange tabby cat with emerald green eyes, patting it's head lovingly. "Calm down, we're not gonna tell. Hell, I've been kinda pissed at the Director for awhile now… I wouldn't mind breaking a few rules." She smirked at the idea, her internal rebel showing. "What do you think, guys?"

Everyone stepped forward (South had roused North and Maine when Wash walked in earlier), picking up one kitten each, looking them over, all with different looks in their eyes, all thankfully related to similar emotions. No matter how much trouble they could get in… goddamn the rookie, they couldn't just tell on him! Besides, Tex was holding that kitten a little too close to her chest… aw fuck, she wasn't gonna let them go either! With a few sighs from the more protocol loyal Freelancers, and multiple snickers and smirks from the more rebellious Freelancers, they all mentally agreed that they had to help Wash… even IF the Director would maybe kill them for breaking protocol.

"We're keeping 'em." Tex announced, voicing everyone's thoughts. "But we need a plan… we can't just hide 'em forever, the Director will find out eventually. We need a game plan, and a good one too…" She looked down, deep in thought. "Any suggestions?" She asked the gathered team of Freelancers.

Delta snapped to life, making York wince, to Carolina's obvious concern. "May I be of any assistance, Agent Texas?"

As if inspired by their brother, Theta and Sigma also synced up, popping up beside their respective Freelancers. "I wanna help too!" Theta cheered, glimmering closer to the kitten in North's weak grip (He was still barely awake). "They're really cute!"

"I also wish to assist, Agent Tex." Sigma added, actually sitting on Maine's shoulder, something most of the Freelancers were used to at this point. "I feel that having juvenile felines on-board of the Mother of Invention would be very beneficial to the health of the staff."

"Any ideas, Delta?" Tex asked, Omega staying quiet in her mind, too busy chuckling at her affection towards the kittens to care about breaking cover.

"I believe I have one that will work," Delta admitted, looking to York. "… I am nervous for reasons I cannot fathom, Agent York."

"That's called stage fright, buddy." York assured his AI, motioning for him to come closer. "Just tell me and I'll tell them, okay?"

Delta seemed to agreed, uploading the plan to York's brain in a matter of seconds. After a minute or two of thinking it over, York grinned. "You know what? It might just work! Theta, Sigma, D, you guys go and hack the MOI's lighting and planning systems. Hack into the Director's daily planner and have him enter the Freelancer Common Room at eight-hundred PM tomorrow… you know what, cancel all his other plans as well!"

"What're you fucking up this time, York?" South asked, practically holding North up with one arm, the other holding a matching kitten to her chest.

"You'll see, South. You mentioned once that you and North are good at party planning, right? Do you guys think you can get a huge surprise party ready by eight tomorrow night?" York questioned, giving South an expectant look.

"With enough coffee." North promised, standing up more, stretching and popping his shoulders as he leaned on his sister. "Can I go the fuck to bed yet?"

"North!" Florida yelled, looking amazed by the usually more careful Freelancer's behavior. "How could you swear like that in front of Theta?"

"I've heard much worse than that, Florida." Theta promised, looking unmoved by his Freelancer's cursing. "I'm not that innocent. I'm a computer, remember?"

"Right. Wyoming, Florida, can you guys maybe smuggle some party stuff from crew members on-board? I know you guys got connections. We'll need streamers, balloons, all that jazz." York continued, turning everyone back to the matter at hand.

"I believe we can get those. Anything else?" Wyoming asked, and upon earning a shake of the head from York, he smirked at the locksmith. "Consider it done."

"Good. Wash, Tex, 'Lina, I need you three to keep the Director busy tomorrow, and far away from the common room!" York ordered, pointing at the two siblings.

"How do you expect us to do that? If you haven't noticed, the Director's kinda mad at 'Lina, he's super awkward around Tex most of the time, and he hates my guts." Wash said the last part almost sadly, gaze downward.

"I know you three can do it, just trust me, okay?" York begged, then grinned at Maine and Connie almost deviously. "Maine! I know you can bake! Can you bake a cake by eight PM tonight?"

Maine seemed to think it over. "Ingredients." He grunted, folding his arms in thought as he stared down at York.

York nodded. "Got it. Connie, can you help Maine raid the kitchen for that stuff? Oh yeah, and I need the AI to keep the chefs outta the kitchen after breakfast tomorrow long enough to get that cake made and outta there!"

"We'll sort it out." Sigma promised, sharing a smirk with his brothers, though Delta and Theta's were presumably hidden from sight under their helmets.

"I'm counting on it. Alright, break!" York yelled, no one moving from where they stood. "Um… when someone yells break, that usually means to run and, I dunno, make shit happen. Didn't you guys ever have siblings?"

While North, South, Wash, and Carolina all exchanged knowing stares with their respective siblings, the rest of the Freelancers were left confused. "If you haven't noticed, we still have no idea what exactly you're planning, York." Connie pointed out.

York sighed loudly and obnoxiously, looking unimpressed by his group of fellow Freelancers. "Don't you assholes keep up with the Director's planner?"

"No, because it's fucking against protocol!" Tex shouted, making her kitten mew in fear. "Don't worry, Captain Crunch. I'm not mad at you."

"Captain Crunch?" Florida repeated, a sneaky little grin beginning to grow on his face.

"That's Captain Lance Corporal Hamlet Rupert Crunch the First to you, you creep-ass son of a bitch!" Tex growled, holding her kitten closer.

"… I can respect that." Florida mused, not looking too badly fazed by the powerful Freelancer's unspoken threat against his life. "So, York old buddy, you gonna tell us why we're throwing a children's birthday party?"

"First of all, it's not a children's birthday party if there's gonna be adults and strip poker. Secondly, it's the Director's birthday tomorrow and he's gonna be in a bad mood because he's old as shit. So, we're gonna throw him a surprise party and 'surprise' him with kittens. And once he sees how much effort we put into the party, he'll HAVE to let us keep the kittens." York explained quite proudly.

"… You are a literal child." Connie pointed out, but grinned nonetheless. "It's a pretty hopeless plan, but I mean YOLO right?"

"Get that 2013 shit outta here! This is 2531, show some maturity!" Wash ordered, something he very rarely did unless he was 100% serious or 100% not. "But I agree with York… I wanna throw the party."

"So it's decided," York announced, hands on his hips as he stuck his chest out, the very picture of a proud man/child. "We'll throw the Director a party! Everyone ready? Break!" And this time, they did all run off, North, South, Wash, and Carolina chuckling at the remembrance of their own childhood adventures that began with a whispered 'Break'.

"Surprise!"

The Director almost fainted as he entered the common room, practically dragged their by his two children. He had experienced the most crazy day thus far! Not only was his entire schedule messed up by someone, but many other whacky things had happened. First, his kids had been pestering him nonstop, both begging him to watch them train or spend time with them, along with Tex, who Carolina was mysteriously getting along with. Then, the chefs had been locked out of the kitchen by a very confused FILSS, who had been rebooted due to multiple malfunctions. And to top it all off, he hadn't been able to find the Counselor all day! But he had, thankfully, had ONE thing set up on his planner-

To visit the Freelancer Common Room at exactly eight PM sharp.

The Director had had his suspicions, which were all confirmed as the doors opened to all of the Freelancers, the Counselor, and a few various staff members all jumping out from the dark and screaming 'Surprise' at him. He'd been so shocked by the jump-scare, he'd fallen right into Washington, who, unprepared for the sudden weight of his father, had fallen to the floor, his father lying on top of him. With several struggles from Wash, Carolina quickly stepped in, helping the Director and her brother to their feet once more. Now righted again, the Director looked around almost fearfully, taking in all of the party decorations and people who'd given him such a scare.

"What is the meaning of this!?" The Director demanded to know, not looking very pleased with everything that had been going on. "I demand an explanation!"

"Um…" Wash trailed off, a little worried to speak up, especially at the harsh tone the Director was using. Oh, why'd he ever listen to York's stupid fucking plans!?

"Happy birthday, Director." The Counselor answered, stepping forward to pop a party hat on his employer's head, as if it were a normal occurrence. "The Freelancers felt it would be beneficial to your health if they threw you a party to celebrate your birth."

"I-" The Director looked around, eyes landing on a wooden table, where Tex sat (He wondered where she'd ran off to after the board-game session earlier), covered in several tiny kittens. "The cats! I knew one of you brought those on-board, I demand whoever did it st-"

"It was me." Tex announced, looking unmoved by the Director's anger, not like the Freelancers always were when he got that way. "I brought them on-board… surprise. I wanted to give you a nice present."

"You- I- what?" The Director stuttered, something that South and a few other Freelancers struggled not to snicker at. "A present? I don't… I don't know what to say… I'm allergic to cats."

"There're medications for it, sir. As I told you earlier." The Counselor pointed out, smiling at his friend knowingly. "I suggest you take such medications… I feel a few felines on-board would make this spaceship very… homey."

"I… I see… yes, maybe a few cats wouldn't be so bad after all…" The Director mumbled, watching Wash and company cheer at the news. "Maybe it would be sort of… homey."

FIN

A/N: Very fluffy piece, and Happy New Year everyone! I finished this TODAY… You fuckers better be thankful (It's okay if you're not!) Please comment though!

~CabooseHeart.