This is slightly depressing sorry I hope it gets better I don't even know where this came from but um...yeah
Anger suffers as grief withdrawals
Chapter 1: Without you who would remove my grief
Clare's POV
I used to think love and happiness was something deserved by everyone, but now I believe no person should want it. The truth is love is evil, and happiness is as well because love and happiness go hand and hand. Love has the power to rip your happiness from your grasp, so tell me where those few seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks,months,or maybe even years worth it? Or does it not matter to you whether you're happy or not. I thought I was in love once I thought I was happy once...I was in love once, I was happy once, but it was all a lie...he was a lair, everyone who I have ever loved has lied and hurt me in some way.
When I was a teenager I was hurt not by a boy...well not just yet ,but mostly by my parents. When I was I was younger my father abused me my mother would usually just stand there and laugh along with him and then tell me how worthless and terrible I was, I wasn't allowed out of the house other than at school and I wasn't allowed to have any friends. I was 15 when my parents abandoned me, I came home one day and saw a note that simply stated that they move somewhere in the states and I was an ugly bitch and a shameful disgrace to our family. I knew they hated me; for all I know they still do but they can't exactly restrict me from doing what I now can they.I had nowhere to go and I needed comfort or else I would break.
I found that comfort but maybe I wasn't looking in the right place, but I found it in someone who only damaged my soul to a greater extent.I had no place to stay and I had to find someone to help me. About six months after my parents left I got a boyfriend and he let me move in with him. He lived alone so it was just us;everything was fine at first but then he got way too possessive it was like I was back home again He gave me a curfew and I wasn't allowed out with friends or else.
Now that wasn't the worst part, oh no not even close you see Fitz had the tendency to fuck everything in a skirt that moves;I was so naive he told me it was normal and I didn't know what I was talking about because I was never in a relationship before so I didn't understand. There where times when I would have to wait for him to finish before I could go up into our room. I lived with this throughout my high school year but when I was 18 I was fed up I called him out on all his shit; he basically he didn't care and that since we weren't having sex I should shut the hell up. That night I packed my stuff and ran away where I was going I had no idea.
Now some people may see me and think "She has ice water running through her veins." I can't say that's completely accurate but I'm not the sweetest person you'll ever meet and I won't try to be.
"I wish someone told me that life would be so difficult." I mumbled to myself as I wiped tear running down my face. I heard a the door open and got up to greet him.
"Hey." I sighed
He grabbed me in a warm embrace. He knew I was crying but he wouldn't question me, he never questioned me until he knew I was ready to answer.I pulled him inside and sat down with him on the couch.
"You okay?"
"Yeah I was just thinking about my parents, and Fitz."
"Clare I know I've told you this time and time again but, if it makes you cry it's not worth your tears."
I moved into his lap and mumbled into his chest "Thanks."
He rapped his arms around me and rubbed my back as I cried in his chest.I am grateful for these moments because I know he actually does care, because if he didn't we wouldn't be friends and he wouldn't allow me to stay with him.
"I'm sorry."
"For what, what are you talking about?"
I looked up into his piercing green eyes "I know you must be sick of me, I'll find you a job and get out of your hair."
"How could I be sick of you, you're amazing and I told you, you can stay as long as you like."
I sniffled and said "Thank you."
"Have you um- did you cut."
"No not today, I wanted to but I fought the urge."
"Good, I was worried about you."
"Why."
"Because I care about you."
"Fuck you." I screeched and ran into our bedroom
"Clare tell me what's wrong." He said walking into the room.
I ran to his chest and clutched his shirt,"Why Eli, tell me why I couldn't have known you back then, why couldn't it have been you I fell in love with, why did they have to ruin me, why can't I be happy." I cried
"Shh, shh it's okay, you're okay now, I'm here." He said rubbing my back.
"For now, but you're going to get sick of me and leave just like everyone else."
"It's been over a year since I let you in my house if I wanted to leave you I would have."
"Oh yeah because that makes me feel so much better."
"Clare I was kidding, you are the single most beautiful, smartest, fun, one of a kind girl I've ever met okay, stop doubting that."
"Okay, I'm sorry for yelling at you...forgive me?"
"You're my best friend how could I not forgive you."
"Because I'm crazy."
"I love your crazy."
This made me smile. It felt good to be loved when you are giving nothing in return but I feel really bad like I'm taking advantage of Eli, I do like him alot but I can never say I love him the truth is I think I'm afraid to tell him I love him, because even though we're just friends I feel if I tell him he will have the power an he will abuse it; everyone else has.
As if he was reading my mind he said,"I'm not like everyone else, I won't abandon you or treat you like crap because you're worth way too much for that."
"Why are you so perfect."
"Because you make me want to be a better person."
"Eli if I told you I loved you what would say."
"I love you too Clare, I know how hard it is for you to say something like that so I'm not going to make you, I know you love me."
"Thanks Eli for everything I am super grateful for having you."
"The feeling is mutual...what did you do today."
"Nothing just lie around all day."
"Get dressed we're going out."
I was confused "Where?"
"That's for me to know and you to find out, now come on get ready."
Okay does anyone else think I used the word "love" way too much in that chapter...anyway I got bored, school is out and I just randomly started writing review if you wanna.