So, I got a few different PMs asking me to come back to fanfic world cause Leyton was hurtin' for certain. It's not like I haven't been writing, I just have about fifty different things started and no real drive to finish them… so this is a random one that came to me in a dream. It will probably only be about three or four chapters. ENJOY!
All right guys, this is a warning for all… Tissues should be ready.
I have never been that typical girly girl. No desire for the big wedding and the house in the suburbs. I was perfectly content acting like I was a loner. I wanted love, but I ran from love.
And then there was Lucas.
It isn't what I expected, marriage, because I thought that I wouldn't fit in this. Lucas and I slipped right into everything. After we got back from Las Vegas, we planned the perfect wedding, which consisted of our closest friends and us getting married near the lake where we first spoke. It wasn't extravagant; it was simple, and beautiful… and perfect.
Now it is a year later, and it was like I was meant to be his wife. I was meant to be a Scott and fit perfectly into this family with its strange and baggage filled history.
I open my eyes earlier than I want to because I can hear Luke in the bathroom getting sick for the second time this week. I have learned from my year of marriage that men are stubborn as hell when it comes to being sick.
"Lucas?" I call out to him from the bed, getting up to grab him a glass of water from the kitchen.
"I'm fine." He calls back to me.
When I return from the kitchen, I lean in the doorframe watching him collect himself.
"Thank you." He says, reaching for the glass that I hold out to him.
"You're not fine. Luke, this is the second time this week that this happened… maybe you shouldn't have gone back to work."
"No, I'm fine, I guess I just wasn't over that flu bug." He says, and I can see him falter in the slightest bit when he says it.
"Flu bug… right. You need to go to the doctor."
"Peyton, I went to the doctor, and he said it was the flu."
"Yeah, and what are you not telling me?"
"What do you mean?" he says, splashing some cold water on his face and giving me a look that says he wants me to drop it.
"I mean, you're lying to me."
"I'm lying to you about what, Peyton?" he says, starting to raise his voice.
Lucas and I have had our fights, often times over something stupid. We make up within the hour and all is well again. It's always because we can read each other better than the other thinks we can.
"Whatever is wrong with you." I say, as he brushes past me and back into the bedroom.
"There's nothing wrong, I'm fine, it was just a bug and I'm still going to practice."
"Lucas…"
"Aren't you supposed to be getting ready to meet Haley at the studio?"
"Wow, way to change the subject…"
He ignores me for a full minute as he gets his clothes on and then comes to kiss me on the cheek before leaving.
"That's because you need to drop it…I'm fine." he says, whispering in my ear as he kisses me goodbye for the day.
"Well, what if I don't?" I counter with a raise of my eyebrow.
"Then you're going to be talking to yourself, because I'm done with this conversation." He says, walking out the door without turning back.
Now I'm mad, and I'm running late because of the fact that I had to stew for a few minutes after Luke left that morning.
Haley notices something off the second I walk through the door.
"Hurricane Peyton this morning, what's up?"
"Nothing." I say, more clipped than she deserves.
"Wow, bite my head off, Peyton."
"No, it's not you, Lucas and I just had a fight this morning about something and now I'm mad and I was running late, and I…." I take a second to stop myself from rambling on. "I'm ready to work now."
She has always been the best one to understand what people need because we get right to work, putting some final touches onto the last two tracks we recorded for her newest album. It isn't until a few hours have passed that she brings anything up.
"So, what were you fighting about, now that you've calmed yourself down?" she says in that annoying mother way that we all love her for.
"He was sick this morning again after I told him that it was too early to go back to work. If the doctor said he had the flu, he didn't need to be at practice two days later. It was too early."
"Oh." She says with almost a lack of concern in her voice that I probably should have thought more about.
"Apparently he wasn't over whatever this is that started earlier in the week, but he still swears it's the flu."
"And what do you say?" she says, in a way that causes me to look at her.
The only other person who knows Lucas even close to the way I do is his best friend, and the only other person Lucas really confides in is that same best friend. Haley has always been that to Lucas, and I never expected it to change, but something isn't right. The way she's looking at me right now is telling me something that doesn't sit right.
"What do you know?" I ask point blank, watching the expression on her face change.
She turns away as she says that she doesn't know anything, and I have to point out to her that she is just as bad at lying to me as Lucas.
"Peyton, I… I don't know anything."
"Oh really? Then why are you freaking out right now?"
"I'm not freaking out, I'm just confused." She says, sitting back down across from me after pacing the room for a moment.
Then of course, I'm the one who's confused, "What are you confused about? And what isn't Luke telling me?"
"You need to talk to Lucas." She says simply with a look of urgency in her eyes.
"What's wrong, Haley?"
"Peyton, I can't…"
"So there's something else wrong? It isn't the flu?"
She doesn't say anything, and frankly she doesn't have to.
"Is it serious?"
The second I ask the question, I hate the fact that Haley has always had such a telling face. Her expression changes, and I get up from my chair to grab my things. She's calling after me as I walk out the door, but I ignore it.
He doesn't keep things from me, and he doesn't lie to me. That isn't the man that I married, and I could care less that he is in the middle of practice when I come walking through the door.
"Peyton, what are you doing here?"
"What's wrong?" I say, not caring that half the team along with Skills and Nathan are eyeing the two of us in confusion.
It takes him a moment to realize what I'm asking him, but I see it register on his face…. The spat we got into this morning, "This isn't the time, Peyton."
"I don't care!"
He nods over to Nathan before taking me into his office, nearly wincing as I throw my bag into the chair by the door.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong."
"Well, you got snippy with me this morning, and that ticked me off. Haley noticed something was up and asked me about it, and I can tell why you guys are best friends, because you both suck at lying."
"Like I said, this isn't the time, and certainly not the place."
"Well, I'm here and you're here, so it's as good a time as any."
"Peyton, you need to just drop this right now." He says, which frustrates me even more than when he said it the first time we started this argument.
"I'm not dropping it, because you aren't that guy, Luke. You don't keep things from me… and obviously, based on the way you're reacting, this is something that you should have told me a long time ago."
"God Damn it Peyton, I said drop it!" he screams, making me jump.
I'm quiet for a minute because I've never seen him like this. However, the one thing that I never picked up in this whole marriage deal is the dutiful wife role of not talking back to her husband, "SCREW YOU, Lucas Scott! Why can't you just tell me what the hell is going on!"
"Because I'm dying!"
In an instant, all the air is sucked out of that small office, and the two of us just stare at each other.
"Are you happy now?"
He walks past me back out and to the gym and I'm forced to sit in his office by myself for a few minutes. When I finally get my legs back, I wipe a tear off my face that I didn't know was there. He didn't mean it. As I walk out of the gym, I look back to see him sitting off to the side with his head in his hands.
Did he?
I have about fifty thousand different scenarios running through my head right now as possible reasons why he could blurt something like that out to me. I have about fifty thousand worse case scenarios also playing out in my head as well. He was supposed to be home hours ago, and I assume that he's avoiding me. Frankly, I would have done the same thing.
I hear the door to the bedroom open behind me as I'm sitting on the bed still in my work clothes trying to make sense of any scenario that popped into my head.
"How could you ever say something like that to me?" I ask him without turning to see his reaction.
"Peyton… I didn't want it to come out like that."
"What does that even mean, Lucas? What's going on?" this time I turn, nearly pleading with him for answers.
"Honestly?" he asks, and I nod in response before he continues, "I wasn't going to tell you anything."
"Lucas…"
"It's cancer."
My eyes start to well up before the word is even completely out, and it's like everything is coming crashing down at once.
"Chemo… that's what was making you sick this past week. Is it working?" I say, with a glimmer of hope, but see the answer in his eyes.
"No. It wasn't chemo though, it was something different that they were trying."
"So you'll try chemo then. Or radiation therapies."
By now I'm standing up and pacing around the room as he sits in the spot that I just vacated. There was chemo and radiation and all of these new pills and therapies. He was going to be fine.
"This is the 2nd thing I've tried after the chemo."
I stop then, letting what he said sink in before turning to him to ask a question that I know is going to kill me, "How long have you known?"
"Haley's been taking me for treatments the past nine months."
I let out all the air in my lungs, which causes my knees to buckle, and I finally find myself on the floor at the foot of our bed taking in what he just said.
"Nine months, and you didn't think to tell me?"
"Peyton, with everything that you've been through—"
"Exactly, Lucas! You know how I hated being in the dark about Ellie, that killed me, and I didn't get to spend all the time I wanted to with her. I still had questions. There were still things that I wanted to do. There are things that I need you to know. We're supposed to have time. I want the time..."
When he gathers me in his arms, I realize that it is my safe place. What am I supposed to do when that safe place is gone?
"We still have some time…" he says, stroking my hair as I lay my head on his chest.
"How much—wait, don't tell me that. I don't want to know that. I can't do that."
"Okay, we won't. We're going to live, Peyton. We're going to get to tell each other all those things that we want to make sure we tell each other."
"You promise?"
"No… I can't promise that, but I can try…"
It's the first time he hasn't kept a promise with me… and this one he couldn't even make.
Suddenly, I'm taken over by this need for him. I need to be with him, I need to feel him and know that he is there and alive and that we have a future together. He understands it, matching my actions with his, tearing off clothing and kissing inches of skin as if it won't be there tomorrow.
When I wake up in the morning, he's still asleep. I resort back to something that I used to do when we first got married, watching him as he sleeps next to me. He stirs, but I don't stop, waiting to see his eyes open for the first time.
"What are you doing? I thought you stopped this…" he says opening his eyes and smirking at me in that irresistible way that I could never resist.
"Too bad, it's back." I say, smiling at him.
I know my smile doesn't reach my eyes, because his face takes on this save Peyton concern that he always gets.
"Don't do that… you don't need to save me." I tell him as he reaches out to stroke my cheek.
"How are you?"
"I'm not answering that, but I am going to ask how you are."
"I'm fine."
I sit up then, frustrated already at the situation we're in. "Don't do that to me Lucas. I don't want to know how long we have, but you won't keep it all hidden. Ellie did that. She said she was fine, and she kept it all inside, and two months later she was gone. So don't tell me you're fine."
He grabs my shoulders, pulling me back down to him, "Peyton, I really do feel fine."
I believe him, but as he walks away to take a shower, I let myself cry for a few minutes. I'm not a big crier. Lucas says that I'm too emotional but I'm not that big a sap. The tears come easily this time.
Luckily they're gone before he comes back out to tell me that I need to get ready so I'm not late again.
This time, I'm sitting at my desk when Haley walks in, looking through a photo album we made after our honeymoon. I don't hear her walk in until she sits down in the chair across from me, and I try to hide what I was looking at.
The knowing look in her eyes tells me that she knew what I was doing when she walked in, and her voice falters just the tiniest bit when she opens her mouth to speak, "He told you."
I look up at her with fresh tears in my eyes and nod, but Haley knows me. She knows that I need my space with this. I don't need hugs and tears.
"I'm glad he told me, but we agreed that I don't want to know. I don't want to know how long. I don't want to know how bad. I can't do this again, Haley. And Lucas doesn't want to put that on me."
She nods without a word.
"I need you to be there with him. To the doctor and… for all of that, because I can't do that."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. It's what he wants."
"Okay."
We sit there for a few more minutes, letting what just transpired actually swim around in our heads for a bit.
I'm a coward. I know that I am, but I can't do this again. I can't be involved. Not with him. I can't see him weak, and I can't see him giving up.
"Peyton?" Haley finally says, breaking our long silence.
"I can't talk about this Haley."
"I know, I just… Nathan doesn't know. I'm the only one."
"So he was just going to die without letting anyone know?"
"It's Lucas, he doesn't want anyone to hurt more than he can help."
"He doesn't want anyone to hurt? What about you then? Why did he drag you into this?" I say, not understanding his logic.
"I'm his best friend."
"And I'm his wife, Haley. Does he not get that?"
"He does."
"No he doesn't, not if he kept this from me for this long."
"He didn't want you to have to go through all of it with him, not until he was sure that he would be okay."
"And now? He's not okay, so how does that work?"
"I just did what he asked, I never said that I agreed with it." She says, walking out of the office, knowing that there wasn't going to be any work done today.
I saw her wiping a few tears away as she walked, but I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. None of this makes any sense to me.
It continues to make no sense to me as the month goes on. I continually question God and his cruel tricks every chance I get, but this day makes it all worse.
"Peyton, it's good to see you again. I thought that your husband would be here though, I'd love to meet him." She says, making small talk as if anything that she is about to say to me isn't going to change my life forever.
"Oh, no, he couldn't be here, so it's just me."
"Well, I'm sure that you're eager to find out everything, so I'm just going to put it out there."
It feels like I'm swimming through something when she's talking to me, and the tears break through the instant she tells me what I was so eager to hear. Eager would have been the right word two months ago, but now that isn't the word that I choose.
Bittersweet.
It should be the happiest day of my life, or one of them for sure. However, the second she tells me I'm pregnant, I want to curl into a ball on the floor in the corner.
"How far along am I?" I ask with the tears still streaming down my face.
"Well, we won't know that until we do an ultrasound, which we can schedule for a few weeks from now."
I shake my head and insist that we do it now.
"Peyton, I was sure that this was something that you wanted, but obviously something is wrong…"
"I need you to tell me how far along I am. I need a due date. I need to know how long I have, and I can't tell you why. If I tell you why, then every single time I come in here you are going to look at me with those pitiful eyes that scream that you feel sorry for me, and I'm not going to do that to you or to me. I just need to know a due date."
The doctor just stares at me for a minute, obviously shocked by my monologue. She calls out to her receptionist to cancel a few appointments and fits me in.
Then it was another few bittersweet moments.
She asks me if I want to hear the heartbeat and I shake my head. Lucas is supposed to be here for that. Then she asks if I want to see my baby. I try to politely decline but I know it comes out harsher than I meant. Lucas is supposed to see that too, so I can't.
"August 18th, so you have about six and a half more months to go."
I nod, thanking her for doing this today, and she stops me at the door to hand me a small envelope.
"I know that you didn't want to see, but I printed off a few pictures anyways. If you change your mind about anything, you let me know."
I go straight home after the appointment, glad that Lucas had a game tonight that I told him I had to miss because of paperwork and a conference call. What they say about that first trimester is true, because the second my head hits the pillow, I'm asleep.
I wake up only when the bed dips down, "Hey, you must have been tired."
"It was a long day. How did the game go?" I say, wiping my eyes, trying to commit to the conversation.
"We won."
I watch him as he takes his suit off for the evening, noticing that he has lost more weight recently. I push those things aside, but sometimes they hit me at the worst times.
"You don't sound too excited."
"I'm just tired. It was a long day, you know." He says, winking at me from across the room.
"You okay?"
"I could just sleep for a year…" he says, rolling into the bed next to me.
"I'm going to change into some pajamas." I say and turn back to see him already asleep.
I was glad that he was still asleep when I woke up in the morning, because I saw his energy start depleting faster this past week especially. At the same time, it gave me alone time to do something that I shouldn't do.
As I reached into my purse for the envelope, it was a battle that I knew I wouldn't win. Knowing that my child was in there waiting for me to see was something I realized I couldn't resist. We wanted kids, and said that two years down the road was a good time for everything. The label would really be on its feet and Lucas would probably have another book under his belt. It was a great idea at the time.
I didn't know that you could love something you've never even held in your hand. I didn't know that splotches of black and white on a piece of paper in front of you could bring tears to your eyes.
I wrote Lucas a note that said I went to pick a few things up and headed over to Haley and Nathan's.
That's chapter one! Review if you so choose!