I was studying after school, minding my own business and this big buff guy with a huge pompadour walked up to me and started ripping my clothes off.
I was so scared, he was stealing all my onion charms and I was terrified. I thought I was done for, and he started rubbing my buttcheeks, until the great Ogrelord Shrek poofed in.
He lifted the huge pompadour man off of my with his large ogrehands.
Shrek gave me a hot onion suit and carried me out bridal style into his onion carriage. He brought me home and kissed my hand with his onion colored lips.
The next day, he got on one knee and proposed to me to be his beloved onion husband. We had 84 onion children and killed half of them, and so our swamp was saved.