Realizations
Despite his very long existence, there were comparatively few realizations which really rocked his world. Unfortunately, as often the case, they were mostly... painful, if such a small, unassuming word could describe the mountain of feelings he had to deal with, to exist with every day.
When he was but a young boy and still a naive creature, he loved his parents, Asgard, its people, and absolutely adored his big brother. Of course, there were slight difficulties, mainly because of his love for mischief and the pranks he delighted to create, or the disturbing gazes from the people outside of his family, but he didn't understand the reason for those, so deemed them unimportant. Apart from that, all was well in the world of Loki Odinson.
Then came the time to expand the Princes' instruction, to shape them in the warriors they were supposed to be; therefore, the time for him to finally see the differences between his brother and him. Of course, he had already noticed how they didn't have the same interests – Thor had always been unable to sit still for more than thirty seconds. He was cheerful, boisterous, huge, strong, happy, honest, a man of action, and although he was the God of thunder, he looked more like the God of the sun. Loki was calm, introspective, lean, fast, a compulsive liar and manipulator, an observer, and he obviously belonged to some dark, cold place far away from the warm light of his brother.
This transition marked the beginning of an ever growing rift between the two brothers. Thor found new friends with the same attributes and interests as him, and Loki was left behind, struggling to belong to this group, to call them his friends, but often too weary to convince himself of his lie. It would surprise a lot of people, actually, probably everybody, but being the God of Lies had the unfortunate consequence that he could not lie to himself, at all. A small technicality allowing him to not lose himself among his webs of lies. How he wished to be able to always speak the truth if it meant he could lie to himself! It would certainly make his life more tolerable. How painless must be an existence where denial reigns! He almost envied the pathetic masses. Almost.
He did become a warrior, despite what the Aesir generally thought, but his strengths and favored weapons were considered weak. He still didn't understand how one could think using a staff and knives with incredible speed could be deemed weak, but alas, it was so. He was shunned because of it. No matter the feats he could accomplish with his weapons. He had never missed a mark with his knives in his whole life, but was still waiting for recognition. That was without even mentioning his magic, which was apparently a female entertainment, never mind that he could win whole battles, alone, with it.
After this discovery, it was deception after deception, lies after lies, and an ever growing loneliness; a weight on his shoulders heavier every day, a vice around his heart, constrictive, tighter with each new disappointment. His mind was becoming darker with every century; trying to convince himself his ever growing ache of loneliness was but a mere preference for solitude.
However, in spite of this accumulation of tormenting emotions during several millennia, everything went pear-shape in a very short amount of time.
Thor, regardless of what Odin may have thought, was certainly not ready to be King. He was barely fit to be a respectable Prince! Hence, Loki decided to concoct a scheme with two main objectives. For Thor to realize some of the finer points of his future role, namely humility and the ability to think, and for Odin to stop being blind of his favored son's short-comings. It could have gone so well. Actually, it could have been a complete success if he had simply been respected as a Prince. If he had been, his orders would have been executed, no one would have gone behind his back; and once both Thor and Odin would have understood their lesson, he would have stepped down from the throne, gladly. He didn't even want to be King! However, he wasn't obeyed, much even less respected, and it forced him to create more and more schemes to thwart the multiple insubordinations. In the end, there were so many schemes, his mission was doomed to failure.
Let's not even mention the huge shock he received.
He was adopted. He had been abandoned. He was some sort of trading merchandise for a possible peace. He was still a Prince. He was blue! He was a Frost Giant, a monster, an abomination.
He didn't even attempt to lie for this one; this discovery destroyed him nearly completely. All he had thrived to achieve, the people he had tried to impress, the endless hours of work in the warriors arts to appear less different, it was all for nothing.
He would never be King.
He would never be their real son.
He would never belong.
He would never be loved.
Unfortunately, this debacle wasn't the end of his torment.
Finally convinced deep within himself that he wasn't to be trusted with anything, that he would always be a disappointment, he let go of the spear in his brother's – no, Thor's hand and fell into the abyss.
The fall was – at the time – the scariest experience in his very long existence; the incredible cold, seeping into his body, the very marrow of his bones; the silence, absolute, pressing on his sides, cementing his never-ending loneliness.
He lost all perception of time and space. He could have been dropping for mere minutes or for centuries, he had no idea.
He was alone in an endless sea of nothingness.
And still, all he could think about were the people who had claimed to be his family. Simply pitiful.
His agony was just beginning though.
When he regained consciousness, on an unknown and unwelcoming planet, surrounded by enemies, weak in body and mind, he realized the worst had yet to come. How he had wished for them to stop at the physical torture! But no, they must have known it wouldn't have been as efficient. They had to destroy his mind, his spirit, to make sure he'd comply with their manipulations.
The Liesmith defeated by manipulation, such irony.
Fortunately, seeing his brother on Midgard allowed him to find again the tiny piece of fighting spirit hidden somewhere deep inside him. He may have been broken, but he was certainly not giving in like some weak fragile creature! None of these Avengers, not even his brother, realized how the invasion would have gone, had he used his full potential. Did they really think all he could do was light a street on fire and randomly teleport? Apparently. Well, it was not like Thor had ever been interested in his little brother's accomplishments anyway.
In reality, he tried his best to tone down his abilities, while following Thanos's orders and the scepter's power. Of course, there was a price; you don't circumvent such powerful influence without giving up something else, in his case, his already unbalanced sanity.
He had yet to know which was more painful upon his awakening after his beating at the hands of the green beast.
An overcoming pain overruled his senses. His conscious came back all at once; and with it, the pain of his physical injuries, as well as a sea of shame, despair, loneliness, pain and anger.
So, here he was, waiting to depart to Asgard with Thor to receive his punishment, and he couldn't help but observe this unique individual, Tony Stark. They were so incredibly similar. Non loving parents, geniuses, tortured both physically and mentally, with a strong knack for sarcasm; but where he decided to give into the darkness within him, Stark fought it, and won. The Merchant of Death became Iron Man.
Observing this man was probably the most painful realization of them all.
He wasn't born a monster. Others certainly helped him along the way, but in the end, he was the one who made himself this way.
Our choices are what define us. His may have been ill-advised, but he made them. He became this creature on his own volition. Now it was time to assume his choices and actions. And maybe, one day, his thoughts and his heart would be clear enough for him to see beyond the monster, to accept his family's actions, and more importantly, to forgive himself.
Hello everyone! I was doing some organizing on my laptop and found this one which I never published, so here it is! Enjoy!
Review if you want, and thanks for reading!
PS: For those of you who follow my other stories, they will be finished, one day yes, but they will! ^^