What if everything went very wrong in Volterra? Edward's decisions have led to the death of two family members and Bella's becoming a vampire. The Cullen family has fallen apart. How can you live forever when you've lost those who you've loved the most?

AU, hurt/comfort, non-canon pairing, B/J. M rated.

A/N

It is my first fanfiction ever so I stay safely pretty close to canon. It is also my first piece of writing in English, please note English is not my mother language, so sometimes I may sound... strange.

Many thanks to PTB's betas - Lyta7, MrsDazzled and SqueakyZorro for their work on this chapter!

And great thanks to Touchstone67 - she may not realize it but I wouldn't dare to try to write if she didn't encouraged me to ;) Go read her stories! :)

I do not own anything Twilight.

They say vampires have only a vague recollection of human life. They say those frail human memories fade with time. I wish it was true in my case.

I remember everything – his face, his voice, his touch. The way he used to smile at me, the way he'd say my name. And the moment when he chose death over me becoming one of his kind, over our life together.

Well, he'd died for nothing. And left me alone.

Chapter 1: Home

Someone was at the door. I heard them long before they knocked. I don't know why they even bothered knocking. It wasn't like I was here by choice. It wasn't like I could refuse them to enter.

I recognized Felix's footsteps and smell and sighed with frustration. I thought they'd given up on the tests by now. It seemed like a long time since they had last tried one. On the other hand, I wouldn't be able to tell how much time had actually passed. I was trapped in that room, somewhere deep underground in the Volturi castle, with no access to natural light or calendars and clocks for that matter. Sleep was no longer an indication of time passing. I didn't get tired anymore. I could stay for hours without any movement, even a blink of an eye or a single breath. And that's exactly what I did. I didn't want to move, to remember I was alive. I just wanted to vanish, to stop existing. I tried really hard to stop thinking or feeling, in the same way I would stop my muscles from moving. But it doesn't work that way, does it?

The only way to tell that time was actually passing was my hunger. When I could not stand the burn any longer, I would allow them to feed me with whatever they would bring me. I did not question it and did not look at it.

The door opened and someone entered the room. I wasn't looking who it was. I was just a bit surprised to not sense Felix; so he must have stayed outside.

"Bella?" asked a strangely familiar voice.

I searched my memories and tried really hard to match the voice with a person. Since I had become a vampire, my perception of sounds had changed. I could hear every single tune. All my senses had altered, heightened to a degree I could not have imagined before the change. I hated it. I hated the distractions. I wanted calmness, void, darkness. Anything that would help me to keep up the illusion I was not there.

"Bella, sweetheart, I've come to take you home," the voice said. Home? I did not have one. Mine was lost together with my life, my future, Edward. I finally looked in the direction of the voice. I recalled the blond hair and kind amber eyes.

"Carlisle?" I asked, stunned at the sound of my voice. Did I actually say that out loud? Why was my voice so unfamiliar to me? Had I not spoken to anyone for that long?

"Bella, we can go now. Come on, let me take you home."

I stood up from the ground and glanced down at my hands. I smoothed the wrinkles on my clothes and looked around one last time - the cement floor, bare lightbulb at the ceiling, the books piled under the wall. Carlisle reached out for my hand. I took his and we walked outside.

"***"

Two years. I could not believe it had been two years since I boarded the plane to Italy with Alice. Alice. I couldn't think of her right now. I had to focus on my task, which was to walk at human pace and blink and speak when asked a question. Carlisle placed something in my hand and I looked at it with surprise. I raised my brow in a question. Isabella Brown?

"We had to change your name," he said. "I'll explain later - let's get going."

I was trying really hard not to bump into anyone as we moved through the airport crowd toward the gates. Once on the plane, I glanced down at my sneakers, stunned that I did not recall putting them on. I could swear I left the castle barefoot.

No one had stopped us on our way from the castle. Felix walked us through the maze of corridors and staircases, up and up, untill I finally saw the sunlight glistening through the windows. We walked past the reception desk where a blonde girl did not even spare a glance at us. Felix took my hand and said something, but I did not pay attention to his words. Then he made a strange move and for a brief moment, I thought he wanted to hug me goodbye. But he collected himself quickly and only bowed to Carlisle. The door behind us closed. Carlisle pulled my hand and led me to the car waiting outside.

The flight attendant announced that in thirty minutes we would be approaching Trudeau International. Montreal?

"Bella." I heard Carlisle's voice next to me. I looked at him and tried to focus on what he was saying. "We live here now. We left Forks right after... We need to talk, but I want us to get home first."

Once we had arrived, Carlisle led us to parking lot and to a small navy blue car. I fastened my seat belt and looked through the window. Everything was so bright. I couldn't keep focused. I remembered the first days after the change when even the sound of dust moving in the air was distracting to me. After some time we reached a road in the woods, at the end of which was a small house - brown walls, traditional windows, grey roof, flowers on the front porch.

I got out of the car and slowly walked toward the door. It took some adjusting, but after all this time I was pretty good at keeping a human pace. Carlisle opened the door in front of me and led me inside. Someone pulled me into a hug and held me tight.

Esme then took my face in her hands and said, "Welcome home, honey. We thought we would never see you again." She was looking at me in astonishment, taking in my new features. I guess I had changed a lot after becoming a vampire. During the tests, I had a chance to look in the mirror but I always tried to avoid it. I was afraid to see my red eyes and the new face that was no longer mine.

"Oh my God, it is you." I heard behind me and turned around to see Rosalie entering the house with Emmett next to her. She stood there and looked at me with a mixture of emotions on her face I couldn't quite grasp. Emmett pulled me into a hug and just said, "Welcome back."

"I know you are not tired, but we thought we could give you a minute to adjust before we start talking," said Esme. "Come, dear, let me show you to your room."

She led me upstairs to a small bedroom, furnished with a light wooden dresser, an armchair, a small table with flowers on it and a bed. I didn't question the purpose of a bed in a room for a vampire. I just sat on it, folded my hands on my knees and looked through the window at the forest behind it.

"***"

"How is she?" I heard Esme ask.

"I don't know." Carlisle sighed. "It's hard to say. She is so withdrawn and guarded. But it's only natural, given what she's been through."

"She can hear us, right?" asked Rosalie.

"I think she does." Carlisle sighed again. "Although I don't know if she pays attention to what we say. On the plane, I had to repeat every question to her a few times before she answered any of them. You must remember that she might not be the Bella we know anymore."

I couldn't recall Carlisle asking me questions on the plane. I was used to drowning myself in my non-existant state so much that I could have missed him talking to me. I had noticed the change of light outside as it turned to darkness and to sunlight again when I heard a quiet tap at my door. A second later, Esme entered the room.

"Bella, are you okay? Can I do something for you? Do you need anything?"

Was I? Did I? I honestly didn't know.

"No, thank you," I said and noticed that Esme must have left the room sometime before I said it and the light outside had changed once more into the evening's soft glow. I stood up, descended the stairs and entered the living room. They all waited there for me.

"Do you need to hunt?" Emmett asked.

Hunt?

"Uh. I don't know," I murmured.

"You certainly look hungry," Emmett said glancing at me. I wondered what he saw. Were my eyes red, brown, black?

"I don't know," I repeated myself. I frowned and added, "I've never done that."

"Done what?" asked Rosalie.

"Hunt," I admitted and heard them gasp in surprise.

"So, how did you...?" Rosalie started. "Never mind. Let's just go and hunt together. Follow me." She was already outside the house. I followed her down the lawn and into the forest. Rosalie started to run, and I was surprised I could keep up with her. I felt the wind and light rain on my face and smelled the leaves and wet wood and mushrooms. I glanced up the trees to see the last rays of light.

"Bella!" I heard Rosalie and felt her tugging my shirt. I guess I must have focused on the light for too long.

"Sorry," I murmured and took off after her again. Soon enough I smelled the blood - or rather the animal. I watched in awe as Rosalie quickly took one deer down in an elegant and effortless way. I closed my eyes and let the instinct lead me. I did not feel the taste of blood, I never had. I just did what I had to do to keep going.

Rosalie glanced at me, and said, "You look better. Let's do another one." I followed her once more.

"***"

We were back in the house before night fell.

"Do you want to take a shower now?" Esme looked at me expectantly. I looked down at myself and saw my clothes were torn and dirty.

"Yes, thank you." I started upstairs when a thought stopped me.

"Jasper?" I asked Esme.

She avoided my gaze. "He left just after he heard about Alice."

If I didn't know any better, I would swear I saw tears in Esme's eyes. I turned and went up the stairs and into the bathroom. I didn't remember the last time I had a shower. Was it possible it was before the change? Nah, no one can go without a shower for two years, not even a vampire whose body does not emit any kind of sweat or fluids.

I stood under the hot spray of water and tried really hard to force Alice's words out of my head back into the dark fog that usually surrounded me.

"Bella, you have to promise me you will take care of Jasper. Promise me that. Otherwise none of the things we do make any sense. Bella, you've got to promise me. And forgive me."

"I promise," I heard myself whisper before I felt her sharp teeth cut deep into my arm, and I cried out with pain.