This story has a little Spanish in it. Also a bit of cheating and mental illness.
Roxas is the name of a large capital city in the Philippines, but he is a small boy in Arizona who is white, white, white. He lives with Señora Ramona because he is a ward of the state and Señora Ramona lost her son "Beto" Roberto almost six years ago, and she is lonely. She lives alone in an old adobe house at the top of a hill over town, but she is Hispanic and speaks with heavy zeds and 'thzs' for her 'esses'. Tall and thin and elegant, she braids back dark brown hair and wears flowing skirts as she waters her houseplants and helps him make pan con canela for breakfast.
She speaks thick and colorful Spanish when he is young, and the words pour into his ears and out blending with the telanovelas and the smell of what is frying in the pan. When she takes him to the park, she does not always mingle with the other mothers, but calls his name the same way they would. It sounds more of a "Ro-ks-sass" than Roxas at times or even "Rojas" at others. Señora Ramona eventually becomes mamá or madre when there are other boys around and he doesn't want to look like a mama's boy. He is nine when it is official for sure he is going to stay after three years of living with this woman he loves and tries to hide from when he knows he needs to do the dishes. Señora Ramona is so happy she cries when she gets the final decisions from the courts in paper. She clutches small pudgy little Roxas to her chest before pushing his blond hair away and kissing both of his cheeks, "Welcome home mijo."
And it is true, this is his home here with Señora Ramona and her dancing. With her art and her gardening, but down the long path from their house along the road into town, he does not know if Fulcher Heights is home. The first neighborhood Señora Ramona's driveway leads into is the "Mexican" side of town even though these people are Americans, Roxas thinks, but he is young and doesn't understand much of the fracturing into groups adults do. All he knows is that the kids here are brown with beautiful laughs and good futbol skills who speak Spanish somewhat like him although he does not know all of the words, and sometimes he must ask mamá who smiles at him and tells him, "You don't need to know those kinds of words."
He is nine too when he goes into town the first time, and the other boys won't play with him like they did when they were kids. They call him names and won't let him play futbol. They tell him to go home. Home to his "mommy" and to "Get out of here, you stuck up white boy." with thick accents as if he wouldn't understand if they spoke to him in Spanish. That is when Alejandro Mendoza, Nene's older brother, steps in. He is twelve which makes him a big boy. The tías already ask him to do tareas de hombres like helping to fix things around the house. Alejandro used to go by "Alex" at school for the white kids who could not be bothered to pronounce his name right, but one day, a substitute messed up his name, "Axel". Now everyone had almost stopped calling him Alejandro minus the tíaswho unless they nicknamed a child themselves would stick with the birth name until the end. If they called Alejandro anything but his name, it was "Flaco". Flaco was a good way to describe Axel with his long limbs and height that put him taller than most of the other boys in school. He is also light skinned which makes him handsome to many of the girl, but personally Roxas does not understand. Maybe he is too young. Maybe it is because he is white.
"Mira," Axel commands the younger kids, "Roxas has been playing with you in the park for years. You turn on him just because you are about to go into middle school and you don't want this gringo hanging around? Just because Señora Ramona is different from us because she is from España?" He throws out some insults and laughs, and slaps Roxas on the back, "Ey, you don't need to play with these bullies. Venga con mi. I'll buy you some ice cream for my cousin's stupidness."
Roxas swallows thick because now he has to show he is a man. He nods and follows Axel away from the field with the sets of poles that mark the goals for the group of kids, past the swings and slides of the park for the little kids. "I'm Roxas." He introduces himself even though he knows Axel knows his name, "Thank you for standing up for me."
The conversation switches over to Spanish as fluidly as they continue walking, and Axel laughs loudly before running thin fingers through his thick short brown hair. He is un guapo chico. Roxas thinks. This is his comparison for beauty. He hasn't really seen someone so handsome before even though Axel is rough around the edges from teenage awkwardness, but that only adds to his approachability and humanity. "It's fine." He closes his eyes as he enjoys the sunlight hitting his face. When he faces the blond, that is the first time Roxas notices that Axel has green eyes.
"You have green eyes." He states blankly, a bit surprised, "Does Nene?"
"Nene has green eyes." Axel confirms, "You are surprised?"
Roxas smiles, "Not with you, no." Following the other like a happy puppy, he watches as Axel scrapes out enough quarters to buy the two of them ice cream that he pulls deep from the coolers inside the air conditioned gas station.
Axel mostly talks to him about futbol and if he wants to hear some cool music that he plays from a busted iPod Nano for the other once they are seated down on the curb outside. Roxas likes the fast paced words of Mexican rap and some of the soft indie in English, "It's good." He nods as if that's all that needs to be said. He almost thinks that Axel is going to ask him to explain more, but Axel also keeps in mind that Roxas is still "a little kid", and just treats him like a little brother. It's nice, Roxas thinks, he's never had any siblings. Señora Ramona had been alone and didn't make very much money from her art, so she only felt she could take care of the one boy. "Did you know Beto?" He asks cautiously.
The older boy seems a bit surprised at his questions. Not externally. His expression doesn't change, but his voice fluctuates in tone. Like a trickling stream becoming a river of emotion, "Yeah, I knew him. Beto was as old as I am when I was your age more or less." Roxas nods as he bites into his ice cream before it melts from the heat, "He was nice." Axel stretches out a bit, extending his long legs, "He was a bit different, you know? He was soft." He held a fist to his chest over his heart, "But that's okay because that doesn't mean he wasn't strong. I think... I think Beto was strong in his own way. He got sick. He was very brave until the very end from what I was told by Tía Teresa. After Beto died, Señora Ramona didn't come down to talk with us Mexicans as much, but that's okay. My family still likes her. Some of the other families, they think she is stuck up. A bit of a bitch, but don't tell your mom I said that."
"Okay." Roxas had finished his ice cream, "I can't really ask her about Beto, but sometimes I see his picture. He's very different from me...Or at least I think he was. I find his things sometimes in the house, and I feel sad for my mom."
"You and Beto may be a bit similar. You've done your mom a lot of good, at least my mom says so. Your mom comes down to town more. She talked with my mom last month." Axel smiles, "Why are you so worried about this? You're so small! You should be playing with toys or reading comics!"
"I'm not that worried." Roxas frowns, "You're just the first person I've ever told or been able to ask." He confesses in a way to form connection, "The other boys, they are nice and play with me, but I am not one of you. I am not one of the other white boys either."
"You might be better off being one of the other white boys. When you go to middle school, if you don't speak Spanish or let your last name get read off too much, no one might even notice. You could be white. You are white." Axel had gone serious again, "But you also shouldn't deny Señora Ramona as your mother. She raised you. It would be lying. Would you lie to make things easier on you?"
The blond shook his head hard, blue eyes pleading, "I love my mom, Axel...Let's change the subject." They talk about movies for a bit, and if Axel was allowed to see PG-13 films yet before Roxas goes home for dinner. He is nine. Axel is twelve. He is different.
~o~
Middle school is strange because as he gets older, the more he begins to emulsify from the other boys, and just like Axel says, he can be white, but even then, he doesn't completely get along with the white boys since his tastes seem so different. He's not really into sports or video games, and his music tastes have yet to develop. Conversing is a pain, and he grows isolated. Even more so after he eventually gets pulled out of middle school completely by his mom because she thinks he needs a more hands on curriculum and takes him to the library every day for two hours so he can read himself through the world.
For a long time, he is very lonely.
~o~
In eighth grade, he gets put back into school, but in a different district. He still is awkward, but now, he doesn't know when to shut his mouth. He's still developing a medium. Finding himself. Figuring out what he wants. School friends are managed, but eventually that all passes too, and it's on to high school.
~o~
Pioneer Middle School and Desert Winds Middle School both feed into Monarch High School. They only have one high school in town, and it is massive with five minutes in between classes which makes every moment after the bell rings a track race due to the size of the campus. Roxas quickly becomes a favorite with the Juniors and Seniors who he blends in with seamlessly. He's even doing something that falls into a hobby he actually enjoys: drama, and he hopes he gets a decent role even though he's going up against some of the more experienced upperclassmen. He is still on the short side, and he's begun to gel his hair up like they do in the magazines. He pays attention to fashion and brushes his teeth, but not for silly reasons like attracting girls like some of the other guys in his class, just because. Just because.
It's in passing one day at a joint practice between the stage tech and the actors, and someone keeps laughing too loudly while working the spotlight making Roxas lose his concentration on the lines during his monologue. Finally, he manages through the piece, but he's angry as he tells Xion, one of his classmates as he sits down, and he's going to have a word with that stage hand. "Go get 'im, Rox."
After class, he waits in front of the lighting booth's main door until someone clambers down the ladder to the spotlight like a monkey with quick movements like they belong on the rungs. Lanky limbs straighten out into a mop of spiked back deep scarlet hair, and green eyes are looking him over, "You're blocking the door, shortie."
Normally he would have been miffed at the comment about his height, but right now, he's trying to process this feeling of surprise and relief because he knows this person. Not well, but enough that the name leaves his tongue before he can even wrangle his brain to think of what to say next, "Axel." The tone is almost disbelieving. "I didn't recognize you from the hair."
Axel's mind is reeling trying to figure out who this skinny white boy is, but finally pieces connect. Most of the baby fat has left the younger boy's body, and he's much older looking, but it's still, "Roxas, hey. Yeah...the hair is different, but I like it." Axel too is well groomed, black brows over plucked a bit, wearing nice pants and a crisp t-shirt. "I haven't seen you in a long while; I'm amazed you remember me."
"I've seen you around-" He almost says barrio but Axel doesn't speak Spanish that often anymore, he had heard from Nene a few weeks ago when he saw her at the florería. "How could I forget someone so handsome?" Roxas teases. And he is shocked, because he means it. Axel is handsome.
Axel laughs at the joke, "Did you need to talk to me about something else?"
"Ah, yeah, during my monologue, you kept laughing so loud I was losing my lines. Maybe could you not laugh as loud? Still laugh." You have a nice laugh. Roxas smiled, "Please? You'd be doing me a big favor? I know it's my fault for not practicing as much so I get distracted, but when we do the play official, you can laugh as much as you like." Honestly he didn't know why Axel was laughing at Shakespeare either. There were some funny parts, but nothing that would make you die in your chair laughing.
A big smile on the redhead's face tells him, "Yes, I'm sorry I was making you lose your lines. It wasn't your monologue although Tybalt is a bit of a ridiculous character. I was laughing because I was thinking about Mercutio. I love Mercutio. He's probably my favorite Shakespeare character yet." Slapping the blond on the shoulder, he starts to head down the stairs to the main floor, "Do you ride the bus? Do you want a ride home?"
Roxas does, and he follows Axel to his car which is a beaten to death Chevy truck where the handle on the passenger side door sticks. The inside of the cab smells like gas and woods, but the engine sounds powerful as the older boy starts it up and beach coast music begins to pour from the radio which still takes cassette tapes as well as CDs. They talk a little about the town where they live, and if they like it, Axel can't really imagine living anywhere else, but he thinks New Mexico or Colorado might be nice. He hasn't traveled much except for one time to California for a camping trip, and once to Santa Fe, New Mexico on vacation. Once they are in the truck, Axel's Spanish and English start to mix together Co-lo-ra-do. Vacaciones. Nuevo Mexico. Con un accento. Roxas thinks there's something poetic about the way Axel speaks weaving the two languages together like a tapestry. The blond's own Spanish is thick like his madre's making it sound like he's speaking custard, but Axel's is light a buttery. They only laugh at each other's pronunciation sometimes.
Roxas thinks California might be cool. Not for the acting or the art, but the people. He wants to live in a city where he can learn about so many different types. He wants to learn more languages. Maybe help kids like himself, children of parents who left one day and didn't come back. Axel asks, "How did you become a foster kid?"
The blond was very young, about five, and he says, "I don't think I ever had a dad to begin with, so it must have been a mom, and one day, she left the apartment and didn't come back. A neighbor found me because I had been screaming and hadn't eaten in a few days. It was pretty bad, or so I was told. She just didn't come back, but that's okay. I forgive her. Sometimes I don't want to come back either." Axel doesn't ask him what he means by that, but he thinks that the redhead understands.
Axel starts giving him rides home usually along with Nene who is in band and sometimes gets off early. Eventually, rides go to Axel's own house where they hang out until the redhead has to go to work at the fast food restaurant down the street. They watch movies and read or do homework together. Sometimes they go out and play futbol with the other boys. Eventually Xion in class starts sitting next to Roxas and Axel starts sitting with a senior called Saix. Different friends at school, but it doesn't matter because Roxas spends his afternoons tangled up in the sheets of his best friend's bed, "Are we best friends?"
"You have to ask?" Axel laughs one night that Roxas stays late, late, too late to walk home, so he's sleeping on the floor, the smell of tamales filling the air because navidad is around the corner, "We are the best friends. You will never be alone, Roxas."
Saix doesn't like how much time Axel spends with Roxas, Roxas finds out, as Axel tells him in passing, "Pfft, that's so dumb?" Roxas laughs, "He isn't your girlfriend." Xion is there because Roxas always eats lunch with Axel in the library. Roxas has now even been over to Xion's house a few times now, but it isn't like Axel's. It doesn't smell warm and of home. It is a cold house. Sinister and lurking, waiting for him to make the wrong move, and eat him up. Xion's words too, they don't sound right in his ears, like Axel's warm voice. Roxas thinks Xion wants to be his girlfriend, and he's a bit curious, so he has been hinting that he's interested, but he doesn't actually know if he is.
"He just doesn't think I have enough time for you and him." Axel rolled his eyes, "Don't worry, Roxas."
Sometimes when Saix and Axel are together, Roxas thinks they are boyfriends, and it makes him jealous. Maybe it is because he doesn't have someone himself, or maybe it's because he wishes he could have Axel all to himself. He is the best friend, after all. Does Axel need another friend as good as him? He realizes this is bad thinking. Selfish thinking. He is fourteen. Axel is seventeen. They are different.
~o~
Roxas dates Xion.
They break up.
Roxas dates Xion.
They break up.
Roxas dates Xion.
They break up.
A year has passed, and Roxas hasn't seen Axel. He hasn't seen his madre. He hasn't seen anyone, because Roxas has been all alone except for Xion.
~o~
Roxas learns that sometimes girls can be abusive too. He's lying in Axel's bed after finally telling Xion, all on his own, to leave him alone. He never wants to see her again. Don't talk to him. Don't be near him. He hasn't told Axel everything that's happened because Axel has been with Saix, officially he thinks, and he doesn't know how he feels about that. He thinks Axel's mama and padre know but they are quite Catholics who just want their children to be happy. It'll all work out even if Axel will have to move away from this town that can sometimes be unkind and whispering about their hijo.
It is hard to start or explain how things with Xion were okay at first, but she said things to him that made him feel sick inside after a few months had passed. She said words like that she would be his first. First kiss. First touch. First woman, but Roxas didn't want any of that. She said that he wouldn't need anyone else, or that he didn't need to work too hard because she would be the strong one in their relationship. She would tell him not to do the things he liked because why? Why Roxas? Spend time with me. No more Axel. No more futbol. No more AP classes. That'll take up your time. Spend time with me.
She also was very negative and said she was sick. If Roxas said he wanted to go run, she would say she had a bad knee, and why would he bring up running? Did he hate her? She said that even Axel didn't want him anymore as Roxas grew further and further away from the redhead. She said that his friends hated him. That he wouldn't be able to do the job he wanted. Each time he broke up with her, she wouldn't let him go. She'd keep texting him. Telling no one else would want him so stay, stay, stay, and he would. Because she was 17 just like Axel, so she must have been smarter and more experienced and wiser.
When they break up finally, for good, no more Xion, he is staring down at Axel who is sleeping on the floor breathing softly. Looks at how happy he is with Saix who is his boyfriend now. They are in love, Axel says about Saix, as they catch up tonight as if nothing has happened. As if no time has vanished from them. After Axel goes to sleep, Roxas cries.
Roxas cries because he is a homosexual and he loves Axel.
~o~
He learns he is a runner when it comes down to it, and one day, he tells his mamá to pull him out of school again. He is leaving now, he tells her, he'll do his school work, but he's leaving now for a bit because he can't stay in Fulcher Heights. He is going to go stay with Tío Lucas and his wife with kids in Texas for a bit. Just for a few weeks to sort things out. His mamá says to be safe and have fun, so he gets a ride from her to the train station.
The countryside through Nuevo Mexico and Texas is dry, and he shows up at his relative's house excited because this is his first time in Texas. What is it like? Who will he meet? He promises to be a good guest while he is here and help with any and all chores that he can. He finds a job rather quickly from a neighbor cutting lawns with a crew. That makes good money, it's hard work, but he grows lean and strong. Finally loses the last of his baby face, and his eyes look sharp as his skin grows tan. Axel texts him one, two, three, twenty times before it is clear he isn't going to respond. He is in Texas for almost three months before he alone rides his bike into the gay district of Austin on a humid spring day and sees two men kissing. Is he gross? For wanting that? Stress and fear and anxiety bundle up in his chest, and he rides home. Roxas is okay, physically, but his insides, he is sure, are sick.
He finally sends a letter to Axel. I miss you. I remember everything about you. Are you angry with me? How is Saix? How are you? I'm sorry. Axel, you are my best friend. You will always be my best friend.
He wads it up and throws it away, and again he writes a letter. A simple one. A straight boy one. One of a boy who wouldn't fall in love with his best friend. Especially when that best friend likes someone else and has no intention of living the same life as Roxas so it won't work out.
He sends his nice simple apology hoping Axel will take him back.
Axel has broken up with Saix, the redhead writes back, and he is sad and lonely, and he needs Roxas. Roxas is already whipped it seems, as he packs up his bags and heads back home to Axel and to get his GED. Axel cries on his shoulder and says he was dumb for ever thinking him and Saix would work. He needs a break from dating. A long one. Axel's mama hears them from the kitchen and brings Axel some cookies and milk, "It'll be okay, mijo." She pets his hair, "Everyone in this house is here for you and loves you." Axel smiles a bit, but his heart is still broken. Roxas' is breaking. Everything is painful with Axel, and he wants to leave again, but he stays because he isn't a coward anymore.
They talk about feelings only at night. When everyone else is asleep, Roxas tells him about Xion and feeling sick. About feeling nostalgic and melancholy all the time. Like his life is through a filter. Axel tells him about how he will always love Saix. There will be someone else, but Saix will always be first. They cry together, holding each other, late into the night, but they cry for different reasons, "I love you." Axel whispers into Roxas' neck as he sniffles and laughs, "I love you."
"I love you too." The words are a choked and fragile whisper.
~o~
Axel is going to college on scholarship in New Mexico. He is going to become a nurse because he's smart and it pays well. He might even move his mama and padre here, he writes Roxas, since the blond has moved far away to California where everything is expensive but he can kiss boy after boy after boy and never worry about seeing any of them ever again. Eventually, he writes Axel about his current boyfriend, his current friends, maybe come visit one day.
Axel says in a letter that him and Roxas are closer than friends, that he wants Roxas, he thinks, that they would be a good match. Not boyfriends, but they could be in a relationship and touch each other. That he can be Roxas' first. First touch. First kiss. First man. And Roxas wants this. He wants this more than anything, so YES, YES, YES, Axel all of this. Come visit me.
When Axel comes and visits, he says just kidding. He lied. They're still friends, though, right? Roxas is hurt. What does this mean? He's an eighteen year old who is confused and hurt. Olette tells him to break up with the redhead. Drag and ditch, but Axel is too important for that.
Again, Axel writes a letter. I love you. You mean more than anyone else in the world to me. Roxas visits this time. "I love you." He says, "Like romantically, I really love you."
Axel makes a face, a face that two weeks ago over the phone he wouldn't have made at those words, "Roxas...I just….I love you as a friend." This is it. This is the last straw, Roxas thinks, something is off.
And it is, Axel is cheating on him with a boy named Demyx. Demyx is tall and a musician. He has blond hair like Roxas and is in a band, that Axel takes him to go see and introduces Demyx as his boyfriend. And Roxas shatters.
He smiles but his brain is screaming. Shakes Demyx's hand, but he's about to puke, because everything is a harsh fuck you. Fuck you to Roxas' bank account for flying out here. Harsh slap because Axel had lied again. Screwed him over again. Hurt him again. This isn't the sweet Alejandro from the barrio who buys him ice cream and lets Nene do his hair. This is someone else. A liar. A cheater. A thief. "Why?" Roxas croaks out in the car as they drive home from Demyx's band meet up, "Why?"
"I don't know. You're too serious." Axel blames. And suddenly it's Xion all over again, and Roxas is silent the rest of the way home.
When Axel and him break up (he breaks up with Axel obviously even though they were never "boyfriends") he is polite. Polite because that's the way he was raised to be. He wants to scream, though, "Fuck you! Fuck you, cheater! You lying son of a bitch! I hate you! Fuck fuck fuck! Why would you hurt me like this!? I hate you!" And then maybe cuss him out again in Spanish just for good measure. And Axel cries, says that he's sorry. That Roxas is the only one who has never left him.
But that doesn't matter because he gives Axel one last hug and walks away.
~o~
Roxas gets older, but doesn't go to college. He dates Reno, who is as much like Axel as anyone. Olette says that they'll be a good pair. Hayner wishes them luck. Pence offers to bake them a wedding cake for free if they ever get engaged because two years is a long time to date someone, but Reno and Roxas both know they'll never settle with each other. Finally, for the first time in his life, Roxas is the one to be broken up with. "You're just not the one, Roxas, and I don't think we'll ever find our guys sitting around here having shitty almost sex and sleeping in separate rooms." Reno kisses him on the mouth, the cheek, the forehead, "Good luck, baby."
Roxas cries softly which is probably his favorite way to cry. Hard crying hurts his chest, his nose, his eyes, soft crying, it makes everything feel better. His heart still hurts, but now he understands adulthood a bit more. He writes mama a letter. Tells her he's sorry for not telling her sooner, but he's gay, and he understands if she doesn't want him anymore, but he loves her. It is okay, she writes back, you are my son. My boy. My mijo. I will always love you. Please don't pick boys that make your heart hurt. There will be others.
Depression makes time pass irregularly. Slow minute by minute, but fast because by laying in a bed all day a week simply vanishes. Week after week. He thinks this is how dying feels, and that this is practice for being dead. Laying absolutely still, unable to move or think anything but feeling cellophane wrapped around his brain suffocating him and his emotions. When he gets up, it's only to do the bare minimum and work. Once summer hits, he feels a bit better. He picks up some new hobbies. Recreates himself as a person. Makes new friends, Sora, and Kairi, and Riku. He's going to become someone beautiful he tells himself. He washes his hair and buys some new clothes and goes to the beach. Stands before the ocean alive and whole for the first time. He turns around, and everyone is there, watching and smiling as the sun sets behind the city, basking them in the golden glow of the universe. "You did it, Roxas, you made it." Hayner hugs him tight, feet buried in the sand, "You are so important. We missed you. We're so glad you're okay." These are his friends. Friends who stuck with him through Axel, and Reno, and depression.
He almost apologizes to the group about his depression, he realizes, but it is also his birthday, so there are no apologies. Only wonderful things. He has turned twenty-one, but he isn't drinking and neither is anyone else since they are being respectful of his medication. "Do you think twenty-one will be a good year?" He asks Kairi and Sora as they gaze up at the stars while the others huddle around the bonfire.
"Oh Roxas," Sora whispers as Kairi holds his hand, "It's going to be such a perfect year for you."
After that it's longboarding on Mondays, Surfing on Wednesdays, Horseback riding on Fridays. He rock climbs and hikes. He learns to knit and mountain bike. He opens a coffee shop, and he plays soft slow Mexican indie because even if he's white and doesn't understand all the struggles of the Mexican people, he still loves them. He still loves the customs of his neighbors and their stories. He meets Hispanic people too who laugh because his Spanish is now a mixture of Ethpaña and España, but that's okay! Because no worries, they are a family. No classism in Roxas' coffee shop. In Rojito Cafe. He is happy and waters flowers outside on the patio much like his madre did growing up. He hangs art on the walls from new artists, and he fills the place with interesting people who do interesting things.
He gardens and grows vegetables. He gets a dog and names is Lola and takes pictures with his camera which he sends to his mom. His mom comes and visits him, "I'm so proud of you. You have grown up into such a special young man. You can do anything, Roxas." She hugs him tight, and then she meets Kairi and Olette and Riku and they dance in his apartment and knock over a lamp, but that's okay! He cleans it up. Because everything is good.
He pays bills and lives, and suddenly he's okay at being alone again. He gets practice at being alone again. He hadn't ever really felt this way before. Before it was relationships and love and mistakes, but now that's all behind him as he watches the sun rise over the ocean and catches the most beautiful wave, "I think I'm in love…" He tells Riku as they sit on the shore for a moment to catch their breath, "In love with being alive."
~o~
Twenty-four: Axel sends him a letter, and he is so unbelievably angry. Seeing the name in his post box unhinges him because that was in the past. Everything had changed. He had forgotten the redhead. He was a different person. That was so many years ago, but then he remembers, he is an adult. Not nineteen anymore. He can read this and still remain detached, so he does. He opens the envelope carefully and tugs the delicately folded piece of paper out, opening it methodically as he sits in the wooden chair of his dining room table. He purses his lips, steadying himself as he reads it.
Dear Roxas,
I am sorry for my mistakes so many years ago. I realize now what I did to you was wrong-
He puts the letter down and leaves to go water his flowers and call Olette about dinner later.
There are clearly more important things to do.
~o~
Finally after two months, he is able to sit down and finish the letter which fills itself with apologies and words he's heard before, and he laughs! Because Axel thinks he's a fool! Axel must think he's stupid! That he's desperate! That he doesn't remember! He shows it to Olette and Sora. "What do you think?" A very serious pause hangs in the air.
"He says he's finally serious, but he did cheat on you." Sora mumbles, "So fuck him?"
"Follow your heart, Rox. But also he's a giant piece of shit."
Roxas writes a letter back that says just that. Axel is disgusting and shouldn't contact him ever again with his weak apologies and his overplucked eyebrows and bitten fingernails. It was too late. He never wanted to see him again. He still hurt from what Axel had done, so Axel could go fuck himself. Finally, he wrote all the words he had wanted to say those years ago.
And Axel never sent him a letter back. It was done.
~o~
Roxas' mom was getting married, and he was excited. He had flown in for the wedding, and he was finally getting to meet this man who was the new addition to the family. His name was Ricardo, and the two of them got along very well which thrilled the blond. He was very honest about explaining his life with the older man, and Ricardo was very honest back. He was also very accepting of Roxas' homosexuality and his mental illness and offered support where he could. "You are very important to your mother, and as so, you are very important to me." He too was an artist. His mother had met him through one of his classes. They were both assigned to paint the same staircase and had decided to get coffee afterward. Apparently the stars had aligned, and Roxas had never been happier for his mother when he saw her in her white dress, "Mamá , no, por favor, no lloras." He wiped away her tears, "Miras perfecto." The two laughed, hugging before he led her down the aisle, "Solo Ricardo puede llorar hoy." And Ricardo did. His eyes welled up with happiness as he took her hand and kissed her tenderly as if they were barely twenty year olds figuring out the world.
It was a beautiful moment, and Roxas didn't think it could be much better minus the fact that Axel's family was sitting three pews back in their nicest clothes, Axel at the end, hair still red like it had been when he had seen him last. It was one of those moments when they dispersed for the reception, that Roxas felt a bit violated. Like this was a private event, and why had Axel showed up? He knew Roxas was going to be here. Then again, Roxas remembered, his mother had gotten along with Axel's mother long after the two of them had had their falling out, so if he wanted to be here and make an idiot of himself by starting something, let him.
The two managed to conveniently avoid each other until after the reception was winding down, and Roxas admittedly was a bit drunk. He had stepped outside to take some air in the warm dry evening, and Axel had followed him out, sat beside him. "I'm sorry."
"I'm not even the same person I was back then, Axel." Roxas pulls out a cigar and prepares it before lighting up; he barely ever smokes, but tonight is a special occasion, he thinks, as he hears his mother laugh in the background, Axel sitting beside him again like they were children about to eat ice cream, "You don't love me. You never loved me."
"I was foolish, please." Axel's tone is a bit begging, "I miss you. You're always on my mind."
"You've done this what? Two times now? Is there another boy that you're waiting to reveal? Someone else? Saix perhaps?" He digs up old wounds and Axel glares at him.
"I was barely twenty-one. I'm different too now, Roxas. Please, let me show you." He watches Roxas smoke his cigar, face stony.
"You don't know anything about my life, Axel."
"I know your mother got married. I know your childhood. I know your deepest thoughts. I knew you when no one else knew you."
"You betrayed me. You're a fucking sack of shit, Axel." Roxas' tone remains even and he's holding back tears again. Why is this happening? "I want you back, but I can't have you."
Axel's eyes flash a bit with hope, "Roxas," The name is soft and pleading, "I moved out to L.A. two years ago. We could be together. It's not impossible."
The blond is quiet before whispering, "Why at my mother's wedding?" He gets up. He puts out his cigar, and he goes home. He doesn't look back at Axel once.
~o~
"Roxas, your friend is here to see you." His mother whispers, flickering the lights in his room on and off to see if he's awake, "We're about to leave for the airport, okay?" That's right. Honeymooning. House sitting. He had stuff to do.
"Okay," Roxas barely manages, not feeling like getting up, feeling his depression hard. He forgot to take his meds yesterday, he realizes, and he's feeling the results. He needed to get up now, and take them before it's too late. Get back on track before he loses six hours, six days, six weeks, six months, six years. Depression does that. It piles up the time.
But there is Axel, again, in dark black skinny jeans and plaid looking like something out of a magazine, standing in his doorframe. He finally learned how to do his eyebrows and makeup, and Roxas has to admit, he looks good. Axel stands there in Roxas' room out of place because they rarely hung out in Roxas' room even when they were kids. Axel was always the older and cooler one with newer things and a more interesting life. Roxas had orbited around Axel, but not any more. Here was Axel reaching for him, "Roxas," He flipped on the lights, "I-"
"Turn them off." Roxas' voice is apathetic and harsh, stopping Axel before he gets rolling. He's still not any more than sitting up in bed, "Hurts my eyes." He explains limply, "And go to my bathroom and get my pills."
And Axel does it almost automatically, not even batting an eyelash. Roxas remembers now, he's a nurse. This is normal: taking care of a patient. Axel's reading the label on his little orange bottle before popping off the cap and taking out two. Along with some water in a glass he keeps by the sink, the redhead brings everything over and sits down on the end of the blond's bed, "You missed your dose." He states more than asks by observing the way Roxas moves in bed, "I'm sorry. I never knew-"
"Doesn't matter." Roxas blink rapidly a couple times to keep from crying because he feels like a tragedy right now, "It's not that bad, honest."
"It looks pretty bad, Rox." He frowns before letting silence take over a minute, "I treated you really badly." Another pause, "If you let me, I want to change everything. I want to treat you right, Roxas. I think I'm in love with you. For real, not that twenty-one year old scared of love, scared of commitment bullshit asshole me. This twenty-seven year old, I might want to marry you me. I love you."
Roxas is staring at the pills in his hand thinking about not taking them and dying, and Axel is confessing his love to him. This is ironic, he fucking thinks, as he wonders if throwing himself off the balcony is appropriate right now. "I can't do this." Not Axel but the pills right now.
And Axel again, like all those years ago, understands what he means, "Do you want to go to the hospital?"
The idea of having to spend a week locked up taking medication, that is maybe worse than his depression, that blows him out of his mind, he takes the pills. He sits there staring at his dresser for a while. Dazed, unable to move because he's exhausted. He's barely awake, and he needs to go back to bed. "Axel, I loved you a long time ago." He starts; he has some water dribbling down his chin, dripping a few eloquent drops onto his shirt, "And I let so many other boys be with me since then. You said that you wanted to be my first, but you can't anymore."
"But I can be something else, Roxas." Axel promises, "When we go back to Los Angeles, let me show you."
The blond is tired. Tired eyes tell the redhead that he's tired of this, tired of life, tired of being tired. "Okay." He finally gives up, "Okay, but if you hurt me again or cheat on me again, I'll break. I swear Axel. I can't take much more."
Axel nods, accepting where Roxas is at right now. It's not optimal being in a relationship with someone who is heavily depressed, but the blond is at least medicated and is handling his mental illness. There would probably be hard days, but Axel decides, it'd be a harder day without Roxas at the end of it. "Okay," He whispers, "Hungry?"
Roxas looks at the clock and hopes Olette managed to open the cafe on time. He hoped that Señora Isabel and her baby got their usual order made okay. He hoped his dog got walked. He hoped that when he went home, he'd have the energy to start his routine again, "Yeah, I could eat."
"Can you get out of bed?" It was almost a question of measurement, testing Roxas where he was, and Roxas sighs before reluctantly moving to get out, put on his robe so he's not just in his boxer briefs, and goes out to the kitchen table. Sits there. He'd help, but even his fork and glass when Axel serves him an omelette seem heavy.
"Thanks." Roxas thinks he's going to cry again. Over eggs. For no reason, but he's actually beginning to feel a bit better, so he suppresses it. "Got any plans for today?"
"Well, the first thing on my checklist was winning you back," Axel cracks a smile, "But now that I've done that, I don't know. What do you want to do?"
"Maybe take a walk." A bit of exercise would probably help him shake this, "Our other option is laying in bed. You can get in with me if you want." He didn't feel very sexy, though, even if he's lean and looking at least semi-attractive.
"No, let's take that walk." The redhead agrees, "We can do some talking while we're at it."
They walk down the path from his house and through the neighborhood, past the fast food joint that Axel used to begrudgingly work at, to the gas station by the high school soccer fields, and Axel opens his wallet and pulls out three dollars and buys them both an ice cream. The price has really gone up, Roxas thinks, but doesn't say, as Axel hands him his popsicle and they sit on the curb just like the first time they met, "So are you an actor in L.A.? With that face, I wouldn't be surprised." Axel teases.
"No, not tall enough." Roxas smiles, "I own Rojito Cafe near Pico, kind of towards Hollywood. I do pretty great business even though rent is crazy."
"I've heard of it, but I never figured that you'd be in that line of business. It's a Mexican place?"
"No, but I play a lot of Spanish music and I employ a lot of immigrants, so I think that's the way people perceive it. We turn over a lot of customers and we have a good venue, though." Roxas works on his popsicle, "How's nursing?"
"It's good. I'm working on becoming a nurse practitioner. Make more money. Nursing has been treating me well. I make even more out in L.A. than I did in Santa Fe which is good. I like the city. Sadly not the traffic. It's the definitely an interesting place. Would you ever leave?"
"California? Yes, I would leave. I'll probably leave after I hit thirty. Move north. Maybe somewhere with snow."
"Snow?" Axel snorts, "A little white boy like you who has lived in the sun his whole life? You'd move north to see snow?"
"It's not so hard to believe!" Roxas laughs, shrugging, resting his head on Axel's shoulder, "When did I get so tired?" He asks, trying to wake up as the sun hits his legs, "Sorry. I know you probably don't want me like this."
"I just...I just don't like to see you so sad." Axel shrugged, "But I guess I kind of knew you were sick even as a kid. You just had this way you'd talk when we were driving. Like you were far away."
"Away, way, ways from here." Roxas nodded, "What made you change your mind about me?"
Axel finishes his popsicle and chews on the stick, "I guess...I remember how you hugged me when you left. You were so angry, but you were more sad than anything. After that, things didn't work out with Demyx because he figured out who you were. Things didn't work out that well with other guys. I dated a lot of short blonds, and I figured, who was I kidding? Why was I lying to myself? You were the one who got away, I guess, or didn't get away. You left. You left on your own power, Roxas, and I respect that."
"I dated this guy Reno. He looked exactly like you. He touched my body like he worshipped me, but I worried that if I let him sleep in my bed with me, I'd call him your name, so I made him stay in the other room. For two years. He finally broke up with me, thank god." Roxas laughed, "I'm such an asshole. Such an idiot. I just kept thinking: he looks like Axel. He doesn't sound like Axel, though, but it'll do."
"I'm sorry I couldn't be your first like I promised all those years ago." The redhead frowns, taking Roxas' hand, kissing it. Kissing it again and then holding his hand, "But maybe, I can be your last, and it'll make up for it."
Roxas smiles softly, "Okay," He kisses him for the first time, maybe his last kiss to a new person ever.
Last kiss, last touch, last man. Maybe. Maybe in love.
~o~
Back in Los Angeles, he doesn't see Axel for a month. He doesn't get a text or a letter or a call, but he's doing okay. He takes his pills. He runs his business. He walks his dog. He does his hobbies because that's what people do. He even schedules himself a doctor's appointment because he's worried his meds aren't doing it anymore after a couple of years of being okay. Kairi stays with him. Holds his hands on the rough days, takes him to the doctor since he can't drive. Then, the day after he's adjusting to new meds, Sunday, the day the cafe is closed, there is a redhead standing on his doorstep with flowers. "I'm not a woman, you know." Roxas taunts, holding himself poised between the crack in the door.
"Flowers aren't gendered, bitch. Flowers have dicks too. You want to no homo these flowers?" Axel arches a brow, and suddenly they are sixteen again, and Roxas is laughing.
"Bienvenido a mi apartamento, you asshole." Roxas tugs him inside, gets him a cup of coffee saying, "I'm off the clock, so if it tastes like shit, not my problem."
The redhead is blatantly looking at his ass, pretending to be sneaky, and Roxas likes this. This is what relationships are supposed to be. Not complicated. Simple, "I got a date planned for you today."
"Oh really? You show up uninvited, and you expect me to just drop everything for you?" Roxas takes a long pointed slurp of his coffee, mixing the canela in to sweeten it.
"Hay papi, I already asked your girlfriend Kairi if you had plans because I called a week ago, and she picked up." Axel smirked, "And I know you're not busy, so don't pretend you don't want to be swept off your feet. What kind of name is Rojito Cafe anyways? 'Little Red'?"
"I named it after your dick. It's so tiny. I saw it in highschool when we were changing for gym." Roxas cackled.
Axel gasps, "I knew you were watching me, and it was only small because that locker room was an ice box!"
"Should have kept it warm by getting Saix to put it in his mouth." Roxas snickers, "What's he doing anyways? Still in Fulcher Heights?"
"Yeah, has like two kids too. Not as gay as I thought." Axel winks, enjoying the coffee and company, "Let's go before I try to kiss you."
"Try is a good word for that dead fish thing you do." Roxas agrees and laughs as Axel is mock offended again.
They chat on and off as they get ready to leave. About everything, about themselves. Axel and him end the day by collapsing on Roxas' bed and laughing themselves to sleep, "I love you." Roxas whispers as Axel closes his beautiful green eyes after kissing him on the cheek, "I really love you." Over a decade of love and loss, and he could finally say the words he needed to say.
Axel's smiling, eyes closed, holding him close, "I know, and I'm never letting you go again, mi amor." His heart races. His fists clench in nervous excitement. His eyelids flutter shut.
Roxas is a little white boy from Arizona named after the capital city of the Philippines in love with a boy named Alejandro "Axel" Mendoza, and from California, he dreams this year: twenty-five, is going to be a beautiful year.
2015. Everything is going to be okay.
Fin
So yeah, thanks. Thanks to Tara my RP partner for thinking this was cool. It was a fun piece to write. Here's to 2k15 guys. Read and review!