Sometimes it hurt so hard to breath. Sometimes living without him made me want to tear my heart out so I didn't have to feel anymore.
But only sometimes.
Sometimes it was ok. Those normal rainy days, sitting on First Beach with the pack, listening to their idiotic ramblings and grinning at the dumb things they fought over- that was when I was ok. Watching their Embry and Quil arguing over who was prettier among the girls they knew made me smile. Listening to Jake and Leah's constant bickering, though annoying, made the hole where my heart was seem smaller, less important. Watching Seth phase in pure excitement, then loll his tongue in a wolf grin as everyone laughed at him. Jacob's warmth on one side, the heat of the fire on the other. Being fed too much because the pack kept forgetting I was only human, not one of them.
And that- that was important. They never, ever forgot what I was. There was always that reminder, that I was weaker, clumsier… less. But the wolves, my salvation from myself, the only thing that dragged me from the depression and darkness I had sunk into- I could be stronger than them. I could be smarter than them. I was definitely not the clumsiest. And Seth looked up to me (it scared me/honored me/confused the crap out of me but he did and I don't know why).
Because of my wolves, my pack, we had defeated the Volturi. They couldn't have done it by themselves. And my wolves were the only reason I didn't fall right back into his arms. I couldn't think around him, I couldn't breathe around him; for god's sake I couldn't even kiss him!
But I had wanted him so, so bad, and those months and months of heartache and darkness and lifelessness were forgotten in an instant- because he looked at me and told me he loved me and had left me to keep me safe. That the hurt he'd caused was for my own good. That he only wanted to keep me safe.
And nothing mattered except him. We were to be wed, and I become like them- but Jacob came to me one night, Jake and Leah and Seth. I didn't want to believe what they said to me, the awful things they said about my Edw- my fiancée. But how could I not hear them- these three, one my best friend, one who worshipped the ground I walked on, and even the one who seemed to hate me- especially her- they who had pulled me out of hell and back to life.
Who hurts you for love? They asked, and I had no answer. Who promises to be there for you forever, and walks away? Who can decide what you want for you? No answers, just tears, tears and hugs and three bright suns pressed against every side of me, shielding me from the darkness I longed for. No more talking, no more persuasion- just my friends, holding me close as I fought with myself. All night we stayed like that, all four of us squashed together on my tiny twin bed. And when the sun, the real sun that shed light and warmth and love on the earth, rose, so did Jake and Seth. They left without a word, just a hug and a kiss on my temples. Leah, ferocious temperamental beautiful Leah, stayed wrapped around me. I didn't understand why, thinking only that if Charlie walked in it would be easier to explain away. Rays of light began to burn their way across my bed, and as they did so, Leah began to murmur soft, sweet sounding words in Quileute. With everything that had happened, and my night of tears and struggles, the sound of her voice, for once not raised with anger or sarcasm but sweet and low with words I couldn't understand, lulled me to sleep. And I dreamt, not cool marble and an eternity, but of a fiery warmth and lush forest.
Leah was gone when I woke.
But the decision I came to, that came to me in my dream, stayed strong in me, thudding through my veins and coursing into my heart with its rightness. I called him, and he came right away, and the look of bleak and utter despair on his face made me ache to change my mind, made me yearn to say I will be with you, forever, but I felt the phantom warmth of my suns on my skin and remembered the hurt he caused me, the pain, the utter wrongness of our love.
And so, like he once did to me, I turned and walked away.
My hands were shaking, my steps frail and uncertain, but my walk away from him turned into a run towards my pack. I ran to Billy's house, knowing as my truck rattled along the unpaved road that my wolves were waiting for me, waiting to see what I had decided. And I was right- the sound of my truck brought them outside, and I hadn't even set the truck in park before the door was ripped open by Jake, the siblings standing behind him, worry in their eyes as they examined my face. But something, maybe the tracks left by tears, or the watery smile that appeared when I saw them told them some of what had happened, and three sets of arms pulled me out of the truck and into a giant embrace.
Still, even now, I yearn for darkness, yearn for the touch of his cool hand against mine, ache to be held like I was made of glass. But then Seth would barrel into me, attempting to escape from Quil, or Leah would be there with that smile, the one that was only for me, or Jake would decide now was the perfect time to pick me up and toss me into the water.
And sometimes, during the full moon, when the pack might get together to 'honor' my crazy paleface superstitions, I caught a glance of pale white skin, a flicker of that rush of unease from knowing the bad unknown was nearby. But somehow, it was ok. Because my pack, my… family, the one that I had made and loved with my whole heart, was there to take the pain and help me, so that I didn't suffocate under it.
Sometimes it hurt to breathe.
But not anymore.