Hawke's Rage

by Keolah

Susan Hawke had always been warned about demons. But in a moment's weakness as a child, her life changes forever. Can she learn to deal with her rage, or will the demon's fire consume her from within?

1. It Begins in Fire

Chapter 1: It Begins in Fire

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"Susan, would you go collect some elfroot in the woods nearby?" Father asks me, gesturing toward the collection basket by the door.

"Yes, Father," I say, smiling and going to grab the basket.

"Malcolm, are you sure it's alright for her to be out by herself?" Mother says, poking her head into the room with a look of concern.

"Ah, she'll be fine, Leandra," Father says. "She's twelve years old now, after all. She's getting to be a big girl now. Just be sure to stay in sight of the house. And don't do any magic."

"Of course, Father," I tell him.

I giggle a little to myself as I skip outside. Father trusts me to collect herbs in the forest all by myself! It's a big responsibility. I don't need to be reminded not to do any magic. I'm a mage, Father's a mage, my little sister Bethany is a mage. That's all a big secret. Especially if there's any templars nearby. But we've gone this long without anyone finding out about us.

It's a beautiful summer day. Sunlight streams down through the leaves overhead, and I smile, spinning around a little in its warmth. This far south in Ferelden can be pretty chilly in the winter, and I'm glad to be warm for a little while at least. There's still a bit of a cool breeze whipping through the trees. It was so much nicer up near Highever and Amaranthine, but now we're living down by South Reach for the moment. We've always been on the move, never staying too long in one place, to avoid the templars.

I carefully lean down and pick some more elfroot and put it into my basket. Father will be glad to see how much I've gotten for him to make potions from. There, that should be enough. He'll be really happy! I turn to go back to the house. But I've lost track of where it is. I wasn't supposed to go out of sight of the house.

Well, I won't tell anyone I went so far. It should be back in this direction. It'll be alright. I'm not about to get lost out here. It's not like I've never been out in this forest before. But never before, always with my father. He showed me all the useful plants of the forest, and what they could be used for.

"Say, isn't that the Hawke girl?"

"Yeah, the older one. Susan, I think her name was."

I hear voices from somewhere nearby. I see movement in the trees. There's three older boys, maybe fifteen or sixteen. I don't remember their names, but I'm sure I've seen them around the village before.

The three of them approach me, chuckling to themselves. Maybe I can ask them which is the way back home.

"We came out here to trap rabbits. Imagine that we trap a girl, instead."

"Edward, what are you talking about?" says one of the other boys.

"Oh, come on, Darian. I just want to have a little fun," Edward says. "What are you, chicken? Go ahead, turn tail and run if you're so scared of a little girl."

I'm very confused. I blink at them, wondering what they're talking about. Do they want to play games with me? Maybe hide and seek, like I play with Bethany and Carver sometimes? They should be scared of that. I'm very good at seeking.

"Hah, right, whatever you say, Edward," says the third boy.

"I'm not scared of no little girl," Darian protests.

"You two can have your fun, too," Edward says, grinning at me. "I wouldn't dream of keeping her all to myself."

"Did you want to play hide and seek?" I ask, cocking my head at him.

Edward throws back his head and gives a strange laugh. "No, I was thinking of other sorts of games." He glances to his companions. "Grab her arms."

As the other two boys come up to me and take hold of my arms, hard, I realize that whatever fun they intend isn't meant for me. My eyes widen in fear as Edward approaches me. He reaches over to touch me, pawing at me with his hands.

"Hey, leave me alone!" I snap.

"Aw, little girl doesn't want to play?" Edward says, sneering at me. "Like she can stop us. What are you going to do, little girl? Give me a mean look?"

"She might tell her father," Darian murmurs.

"I'm not scared of her father," Edward says, snorting softly. "Besides, I'm sure she won't breathe a word of this to anyone, ever. The shame would be too great, you know?"

"What shame?" I say.

"Hah, you've no shame, do you? I'm sure your father would punish you greatly for that. Imagine, his lewd little girl, getting into things she has no business with. What would your father think if he knew his daughter was a whore, huh? A dirty slut? A loose woman?"

I frown as his words sink in, starting to slowly understand what he means. Father would be furious, I'm sure. He'll already be angry enough at me if he finds out that I wandered out of sight of the house, like he told me not to do. They probably won't come looking for me for some time. I haven't even been gone that long yet.

Edward is groping at me, his fingers working their way under my clothing. I don't want this. I don't want to be some filthy whore, good for nothing but to hide my face from my father in shame. Tears well up in my eyes, and I start shaking in fear - and anger. How dare these boys do this to me!

You don't have to let them, whispers a voice in my ears.

Father always warned me to be careful of demons, never to agree to their bargains.

I can help you. I can protect you.

If I agree even for a moment, then I am lost. No, I don't need any demon to help me. I'm not some helpless little girl. I can defend myself. They're just boys, armed only with knives at best.

I'm not supposed to use magic outside the house, but Father will be angry with me anyway if he finds out, and I don't want them to do this to me. To the Fade with this all. I'm not going to let them do this.

I call forth my magic, and flames wreathe my hands. The other two boys release my arms in surprise, although I don't think I actually burned them. Not yet.

"Magic!" hissed the third boy.

"She's a mage!" said Darian.

"So, the little girl's an apostate, it seems," Edward said, trying to make himself sound calmer than he looks, but the wild look in his eyes betrays his fear. "Run along home, then, little mageling. I've no interest in trifling with an apostate."

"Too late," I say. "I won't forgive you, Edward. And I won't let you get away."

I throw fire from my hands, with a flick of my fingers, engulfing Edward in blazing destruction. The other boys are trying to run away. I hurl a bolt of flames at one of them, knocking him off of his feet.

Edward is dead, reduced to a mass of charred flesh, and as I run past, I make sure the other one is as well. I don't have time to stop and feel bad about having just killed someone. I have to protect my secret at all costs.

Darian is running away as fast as his legs can carry him. I chase after him, pelting fiery spells in his general direction. He's moving too quick, though, and I can't manage to hit him. Leaves and shrubbery burst into flames around me from my misaimed spells.

I spot buildings through the trees. We're approaching the village. I can't catch up with Darian, and someone else notice from here if I use anymore magic. Oh, this isn't good.

But the only one in sight at the moment is a man in templar armor. Oh, of all the people to run into, did it have to be a templar? I stop dead in my tracks at the edge of the trees as I see Darian and the templar speaking quickly to one another and casting looks in my general direction.

"Susan Hawke," the templar calls out to me, stepping toward me with his hand on his sword. I take a step away, backing a little further into the trees. "I am Ser Locke. I know what you are, and what you have done. Surrender at once and you will not be harmed."

"What!?" Darian exclaims. "She killed my friends! And you'd let her live? I thought you were going to kill her!"

"Your friends tried to hurt me!" I snap.

"She's just a child, Darian," Ser Locke says. "Young, confused, and untrained. Of course she reflexively attacked you if you threatened her. This is why magic needs to be contained. She just needs to be taken to Kinloch Hold to be properly trained and kept under control. Now, come along, Susan. I don't want to hurt you."

"But I do!" Darian growls. He pulls out a knife from his belt and charged at me. "Die, you murderer!"

I stumble back in confusion, wide-eyed. Didn't he just see his friends die? Is he counting on the presence of the templar to protect him now?

I can help you, whispers the same voice in my ears, in my mind.

I shut it out and ignore it for the moment. Magic is the only way I have to defend myself, and the templar in front of me already knows my secret anyway. As Darian comes rushing toward me, I lift my hands and let forth a stream of flame, engulfing him in a ball of fire. Bold idiot, how dare he try to attack me like that, in front of a templar and everything!

Ser Locke sighs as he approaches me, sword in hand. "Please stop, Susan. You'll leave me no choice but to slay you if you continue."

"He attacked me!" I growl.

"I would have protected you," Ser Locke says. "It is as much the duty of the templars to protect mages from others as it is to protect people from mages."

"I don't believe you," I say, my voice trembling.

My body is shaking. Angry, afraid, trapped like a cornered rat. I take another step back, but I know there's no use in running. Even if I escape, he'll just tell the other templars about me. He knows my name. My family might wind up being hurt because of this. I don't want that to happen. I have to protect my family. Father, Bethany. What if someone discovers that they're mages, too?

I can save you, whispers the voice again.

Templars have powers that they can use to stop my magic. I've never had to fight a templar before. He could turn me into just a helpless little girl again. And I never want to be helpless again. I don't want to surrender. I don't want to give up. If my secret is to be kept, I need to kill him. I have to kill him. Somehow.

I can give you all the strength you need, whispers the demon one more time. You don't have to be helpless. Not to boys like those, not to templars, not to anyone, not even to me. I will help you to destroy anyone who would seek to harm you. We can destroy them all, together.

I close my eyes for a moment and let out a heavy sigh. Father said to never listen to demons. Never to agree to their bargains, because they'll always trick you, and then they'll have you.

I don't ask for much. I won't ask for much. I don't want to control you. I just want to see the world through your eyes...

The templar is upon me, directly in front of me, close enough that he could reach out his sword and stab me through the heart if he so desired. I don't want to die. I don't want to be locked up in a prison like some criminal. My only crime is having been born with magic and defending myself from people who wanted to hurt me.

Imagine what we can do together...

I'm so angry, like I've never been before. Enraged at the injustice of the world. I don't deserve this! I've done nothing to deserve this! And if it takes making a deal with a demon to spare me from this... then so be it.

So be it.

My veins burn. My blood boils. Rage fills me, rage like blazing fire, rage like molten lava.

"Susan... Susan?" Ser Locke says. "Your eyes... Your eyes are glowing red. Abomination!"

"You will not have me!" I growl.

Lambent flames ripple along my skin. In a panic, Ser Locke tries to bring his templar powers to bear against me. But it's too late for him. Rage consumes me, and I grip burning hands around his neck. I hold nothing back, giving myself over completely to the fury within me. I will not be beholden to the fears of a world that hates me ever again!

Ser Locke's body burns and slowly turns to ash beneath my touch. It takes me a few minutes to realize that he's dead. The fourth man I've killed today, and yet there's nowhere in my heart for regret. I've done no wrong.

Still, why am I trembling so badly as I sink to my knees next to the remnants of the templar's armor? Oh, Maker, I've just killed four people. And what's more, I'm possessed by a demon.

Tears sting my eyes unbidden, and I quickly get to my feet and race into the burning forest as if trying to escape from myself. The forest is on fire, and I don't even care. I stumble a little, and cough at the smoke, but I keep running.

Susan, whispers a voice in my head. Susan, you don't need to be afraid ever again. I'm here for you. I will protect you.

You're a demon!

I am. And you agreed to my bargain.

I was such a fool.

Curse yourself if you will, but I will keep the bargain I offered you. I'm not completely mindless like some other rage demons are. It would benefit me not at all if you were to die or are discovered. I will protect what is mine.

I trip over a protruding root and fall flat on my face. I grunt and cough, spitting dirt out of my mouth. Looking up, I realize I've run back to where I was when this started, where I was picking elfroots when those awful boys confronted me. The herb basket sits discarded the ground, flames slowly starting to consume it.

We have to get out of here, whispers the demon. It's not safe here.

I pick myself up and climb to my feet again. Which way is home? I think it's that way. Coughing some more, I move along, trying to avoid falling again. After a while, I spot a building through the trees. Home! And the fire is creeping closer. Oh, Maker, I've put my family in danger.

"Susan?" Father calls out from the door. "Susan! There you are! I've been so worried about you!"

"I'm alright," I assure him.

"Malcolm, we have to get out of here!" Mother says frantically.

"The house isn't on fire yet," Father says. "Grab anything of value and we'll go."

I'm too badly shaken to even think about going back into that house. I stagger and lean against the tree stump in front of the house. I try to calm myself, although it's a futile effort. My vision is blurry with smoke and tears.

Rage can't save me from the burning forest. Rage was what started the blaze to begin with. Rage isn't the answer to everything. And yet rage is all I have.

Arms reach around me and hold me tightly. I look up and see Mother. Flame-red hair framing her face, the same color as mine. Now it seems those flames have forever branded me. I can't stop trembling.

"Shh, Susan," Mother says. "It's alright. Father won't let anything hurt you. He'll keep the fire from getting too close."

Father comes out of the house, pack on his back and the eight-year-old twins in tow. "Everything's packed. Let's get out of here. To the road again."

Without another look back, Father leads the way to the Imperial Highway, letting the flames wipe away any traces of our presence here. I can't help but stare back myself, however. We might be leaving now, but I will never be able to forget what happened here, nor will I ever be able to shake myself free of the monster that's rooted itself deep within my very soul.

"We needed to be moving on soon, anyway," Father says once we're past the outskirts of the village. "We'd been there too long. People were starting to remember our names."

"Oh, Malcolm," Mother says, sighing. "It's not good for the children to be constantly on the move. I wish we could just settle down someplace and make a real home for ourselves, and stop this camping, holing up in inns, squatting in abandoned hovels..."

"You know how dangerous it is, Leandra," Father argues. "If the templars found out, we'd have to flee anyway."

"A templar found me," I whisper.

"What was that, little bird?" Father asks.

He must not find out about me, murmurs the demon in my mind.

I'm not foolish enough to tell him that part. "A templar discovered me. I started that fire. I'm sorry."

"A templar realized you were a mage?" Father says, raising an eyebrow at me. "How did he find out?"

"Some boys attacked me," I say vehemently. "Out in the forest. I defended myself. I did nothing wrong."

"You shouldn't have resorted to magic," Father says. "You should have just run away." He sighs. "But I can't blame you for that. Damned templars. What did those boys want with you, anyway? Your money?"

I fix my gaze firmly on the road at my feet. I don't want to talk about that part. "I don't know."

"Well, it doesn't matter now, I suppose," Father says with an odd note to his voice. "They won't be able to trace that fire back to you, so even if they know your name, we'll still be safe."

"I told you she was too young to be out by herself," Mother says.

"It was not her fault!" Father almost snarls. "She defended herself in the only way she knew how!"

I sigh softly and let myself fall back to where the twins are walking behind them. I hate listening to my parents argue, especially when it's over me. I'll just let them work that out themselves, I suppose.

"Are you alright, Susan?" Bethany asks.

"I'm fine," I grumble.

"Did you really kill a templar?" Carver wonders.

I give a distant nod. I don't know if I really want to think about it. I killed a man. I killed four men. The very thought makes me sick. But I can't think that it was wrong. It was the right thing to do, without a doubt.

"Wow," Carver breathes, eyes widening with a touch of awe.

"Maker's breath, Carver, that's horrible!" Bethany says. "That's not something you should be admiring!"

"I'm not admiring it!" Carver protests. "I'm just amazed at how crazy Susan must be."

"I'm crazy now, am I?" I say.

"You killed a templar!" Carver says.

"Well, that's crazy, alright," Bethany agrees.

"Not you, too," I groan.

"We really don't need any trouble from the templars," Bethany says. "It's bad enough that we're both cursed with magic like this."

"Magic isn't a curse!" I snap.

"Father says it is," Bethany says. "And I agree with him. I didn't want to be a mage. I didn't ask for this. I'm so scared of some templar coming along and dragging me away. I'm not as brave as you, Susan. Or crazy. I don't think I could hurt someone to save myself."

"Nobody's going to hurt you or drag you away, Bethany," I assure her. "Father will protect you. And so will I."

"And I," Carver adds.

"Thank you," Bethany says quietly.

After a couple hours of walking, we make camp off of the road. Although we hadn't had much time to pack, we still have a good deal of supplies, provisions, bedrolls. It's as though Father were thinking ahead of time that we might have to leave on short notice, and had prepared in advance. I don't think that this were the sort of situation he'd been afraid of, however. It's not like I'd meant to set that forest on fire, though. Or that I went out of my way to attract trouble. I still can't help but shake the thought that this was somehow all my fault.

As I lay in my bedroll staring up at the stars, my thoughts won't stay still. I can't fall asleep. I can still feel the creature within me, every moment, in my blood, in my mind, in my very soul, like a fire that will never go out.

You always hated the cold, though.

Do you know everything about me?

I'm a part of you now.

But you're not me, and you're not going to be. I am Susan Hawke! You're just some demon who probably doesn't even have a proper name.

My name is Ayande.

Alright, so you do have a name. I have no idea whether you just made that up on the spot or not, although I don't really care. At least I have something to call you, now, besides "you horrible monster".

Think of me what you like. Go ahead and give me all of your hate and rage. I will relish it.

That will only make you stronger, won't it. You're a rage demon, you said. Well, what if I refuse? What if I keep myself calm, and refuse to let myself get angry? Will that weaken you, then?

You are an inherently angry and aggressive person. I don't think you will be changing your nature now, anymore than I will.

It's never too late to change one's nature.

As you say. I have my doubts, but you are welcome to do what you like. Weaken me? I don't know. I don't know why you would wish to weaken me, since I will be protecting you.

One moment of weakness and I'm stuck with you. I'm stuck with a demon within me.

Embrace your rage. Embrace your hate. I will make you strong.

No. I refuse. I reject my rage. I reject my hate. I don't need these things in order to be strong.

So be it, then. But I won't be going away so easily.