It had been his third loss for the night, he feared he'd be owing Glenn and Daryl a lot of money if he didn't get his head in the game. After a rough day of defense training, which concluded with a busted shoulder he was looking forward to hanging out with his friends at their usual Friday night watering hole. The Beer Brothers was a cozy little tavern in the middle of town that was faithful at opening early and closing late. They served the tastiest, greasiest cutters and even purchased a dart board for patrons who liked to be active while they drank. A vintage jukebox was set up close to the bar but the old girl was more for aesthetics than functionality. Three pool tables took up the majority of the old dance floor. There was often a line of teams waiting for their turn at the typical bar tournaments that made some men behave as though they were at the Pool Championships. Beer Brothers was all inclusive, tables and chairs under dim lights were set up for those who preferred to drink their alcohol sitting down while they worked on temporarily numbing their pain. The bar was owned by T-Dog Douglas and Tyrese Williams; two friends from College with a business head and a dream of owning their own brewery one day.
The place was busy as was custom for a Friday night but Rick's distraction didn't come from the crowd. It came from his eyes being glued to the torturous opening and closing of the entrance in hope she would show up. She said they could still be friends. She suggested they should still hang out on the weekends as though everything was still normal between them. Seeing her was something his heart was hungry for but he knew his body would still feel starved for her touch.
Everything had been perfect between them until he mentioned taking things a step further in their relationship. It was a premature move in hindsight, but he was a man in love and he was going wherever his heart was taking him. Beer Brothers had been the regular Friday night spot for months. Meeting up and rehashing the work week, trying to wash away the stress of the job and usher in the weekend somehow made the five days of non stop bustle worth it. She was missing tonight in the same manner a piece of his heart had been missing since she said they should take a break. She wanted them to take some time apart from each other, as though he didn't need her to breathe.
Break, how he hated the word with every fibre of his being. He took full blame for it, missing the disparity between them somehow. He wanted them to move in together, she wanted time apart. Maybe it had been too soon, still her reticence felt misplaced almost. As if she was holding back the real reason behind her request for space. She remained obstinate to his attempts at delay.
Distance and time weren't going to change his feelings for her. Sometimes he feared the intensity of it all; the internal struggle he had no choice to grapple with when she was within his breathing space. His heart beat would accelerate, his pores would raise, he felt like a fire was burning him from the inside at her mere presence. Now in her absence the feeling still plagued him. He was either burning with love for her or burnt by the love he had on full public display. It was his estimation this fiery kind of love would turn him to ashes one day.
….
Michonne had been the new girl in town six months ago, it had taken him only three days to fall completely in love with her. He assisted with her broken down Mazda on that chilly Wednesday night when she first arrived to Liberty. She was the most beautiful woman his eyes had ever seen, her image stayed like a captured polaroid in his mind.
Her six year old Ford's car battery had been zapped of all power but he was grateful the dead car gave life to an unexpected romance between them.
While waiting for the tow truck to take the vehicle to Daryl's auto shop, they chatted and laughed like they had known each other for years, flirted like teenagers and kissed on the first day they met. From that day they had been inseparable. He appointed himself her official tour guide to the area she had selectively chosen to live. She chose the County purposefully, hoping the meaning behind its moniker held some truth to it. She was desperate to find freedom in the town called Liberty.
They made their relationship official a month later and Rick believed they were both happy. For the first time in a long time he was experiencing true joy sharing his life with someone. He knew there were things she didn't share with him. Certain topics were off limits, like her parents and her murky past. It was clear she moved to Liberty to create some distance with the things that defined her. He was certain with time she would open up to him eventually. She knew he could be trusted. She had sewn her velvet piece of cloth into the neatly patched tapestry that made up his life and he would give her all the time she needed.
He was an open book to her; she adopted all of his friends, his parents adored her infectious sweetness and her practical approach to life. She often came over for Sunday dinner to spend time with his folks. She had a key to his apartment, he didn't think it was premature to assume they were on the right path. He was training to be a police officer and she was finishing her second degree at Liberty University, together they were supposed to make a life.
Now his heart had a tear that only she could repair.
They had been blissfully in love a month ago, now they barely spoke two words to each other. He had so much he wanted to say to her, to get off his chest. She didn't have to hide from him. There was no need to run. It had only been twenty one days. Twenty one days since he'd been standing on solid ground. Now he was drifting in turbulent waters and sinking further and further as the days past. He wasn't selfish, all he wanted was to see her smile. He needed a daily dose of her lips on his like she was the only vitamin he needed. He was stuck on her, she was a fixture on his brain, like that one meaningful love song that played on loop in your subconscious. His mind was constantly reloading the image file , he hoped he didn't short circuit with the bittersweet overload.
….
He was accepting defeat, he gave his stick to Maggie just as Shane entered the bar and approached the four old friends, "I guess Chonne didn't make it after all."
He smirked in that mischievous way Shane had, almost like he had knowledge of her whereabouts and Rick's interest was peaked. He leaned on the pool table with his arms folded in wait.
Daryl spoke up on his behalf, "She ain't 'ere, haven't seen her all evenin.'
"Maybe she has plans," Maggie proffered as a way to assuage any bold assumptions given the smirk on Shane's face.
"Well I ran into her in the grocery store earlier. She was with Mike." His eyes danced between Rick and Maggie whose eyes expressed a delayed disappointment. Rick shoved his hands in his pockets and decided to spend the rest of the evening drowning his sorrows in some rum and coke.
He knew she ran away, he just didn't think she ran away from him.
….
Michonne's phone rang at 11:14 pm, Maggie's pretty face brightening up her lonely night somehow. She hoped the late call didn't imply something was wrong. She and Maggie weren't particularly close, she wasn't sure if she'd be considered someone to call in an emergency.
"Maggie?" She kept her tone light.
"Michonne..."
She loved the southern twang Maggie and Rick gave to her french name. The memory that followed the sweet thought of him burned her throa, filling her with intense longing.
She wondered if it was too late to fix what she broke.
"We didn't know who else to call. It's Rick. He's um…..he had a lot to drink. He doesn't want to leave. Right now you're the only one he would listen to."
"Maggie, Listen I…"
It took her by surprise she was the rescue call for Rick, she didn't know what to do.
After what she had done she wasn't sure Rick would speak to her again. She was a fool to say they could still hang out as friends. She was wrong in thinking it would be a good idea for him to see someone new and forget their brief yet life changing love affair. The thought of seeing him in another woman's arms was enough to make her weep.
"No Michonne you hear me out. Rick is that guy who wears his heart on his sleeve for the whole world to see. And the whole world knows how he feels about you. He's sweet and generous and talks only about you. Now I don't know the details of why you two aren't together right now. You two don't talk much unless it's to each other, but Rick is hurting. He isn't perfect and he's failed at a lot of things, but he has never failed at loving you. So if you could remember just for tonight that you used to love him too, come down to Beers Brothers and help us talk him off the ledge."
"Ledge! He's on a ledge?" Panic overtook her body in waves.
"What? No I meant the bar ledge! He isn't budging with his stubborn ass and he's drinking way too much."
Michonne let go the breath she was holding as Maggie clarified Rick's real position.
If only Maggie knew the things that separated Michonne from the rest of them. If she knew how much she loved Rick too. Sparing him from the truth was better than seeing the pity and the rejection on his face when she finally told him who she was, or rather who she was not.
She couldn't face him, "Maggie it's late I don't wanna drive so la-"
"Daryl is outside your apartment." Maggie's finite voice left no room for negotiation.
She inhaled deeply, "Ok. I'm coming."
She hoped seeing Rick would be a simple reminder to herself that a girl like her shouldn't be loved by a guy like him.
…..
Rick was tired of hearing Daryl and Shane tell him he had enough to drink. He remained recalcitrant to their orders and ordered a round of beers for everyone at the bar in direct defiance.
He was asking himself all evening where was his love. He couldn't believe she was hanging out with Mike. Shane had to be mistaken. The guy was on the City Council and looked as lame as the suspenders he wore. He liked to boast he came from money and showed off that he owned the latest Mercedes. He got on Michonne's last good nerve with his cockiness, to sum it up he wasn't her type and if he was, then he didn't know Michonne at all.
He knew her, she wasn't seeing anyone. No way she would leave the safety of his arms for another man.
Where was his love? Why did he surrender so easily?
"You done here man? This is the last of it." T-Dog felt sorry for his buddy, but self care wasn't on Rick's agenda tonight, intervention was necessary. He tallied his tab and dropped the white piece of paper in front of Rick.
"You cutting me off T?" he asked knocking back another shot. The clear, fiery liquid burned his throat, for a brief moment he forgot how much pain he was in.
"You know she hates it when I drink? Only ever came to this bar for me. She doesn't even touch wine. She drinks tea. Lots of it. Even left two boxes of that no taste, green tea in my pantry. So now I gotta drink it. Can't let it waste you know. She wouldn't like that at all. That's how much I loved her T. I drank green tea without milk or sugar because she said it was good for me and I believed her. Dammit I believed her!" He believed her when she said she loved him too.
T-Dog looked around the bar, wondering if anybody heard Rick's untidy expatiation. The man had it bad. He signalled to Daryl they we're going to close in a bit. it had been a futile effort to remove Rick from the dark corner seat of the mahogany bar counter, he hoped they had a contingency plan for his eviction.
"I thought by day three she would come back and say she's miserable without me. But that never happened. She has to be miserable without me right? She fit the love I had for her so perfectly. I wish I could tell her that." Rick looked at the burly, baldheaded guy behind the bar with a hopeful stare as he shined the glasses. Wasn't he supposed to dish out some sage advice like all bartenders across the world were synonymous for; giving their patrons who were in pain some kind of hope. T-dog just looked awkward as hell. A smile fell on his face quickly as he looked at the door that had just jingled in signal of a new customer.
A slow grin spread on the relieved bartender's face. "Chin up buddy. Maybe you can tell her yourself."
Even in his inebriated state, he caught her aroma before he saw her. She smelled like her favorite passion fruit body wash and a hopeful dash of forever.
She looked at him with soft eyes, then they turned serious as she tasked T-Dog with bringing over a bottled water for Rick, swiftly removing his glass of rum and coke away.
"Michonne." Her name on his lips sounded like a cure for his sickness. Her beautiful face like a mirage come to life.
"That's enough for tonight Rick." He was still so ruggedly handsome in spite of his long unruly curls and his stubble that was quickly turning into a beard. His signature denim shirt rested on his broad shoulders and was snug enough for her to remember everything she loved about his body.
"Ok," he said shoving the two empty beer bottles aside. "You're here." His face angled in her direction as she took the stool next to him.
There was hope in his voice when he spoke, "You decide you wanna love me again? Help me breathe a little better?" She had to have been here for a reason, he felt rejuvenated.
"I'm here because Maggie called me. Told me you weren't listening to them."
He was back to feeling deflated.
"You know what hurts the most?" he asked draining the last of the beer that had been pushed away only seconds ago.
"Tell me." She had her own list of things that hurt the most but she would hear him out.
"Being so close to perfection."
"I'm not perfect Rick….I'm a mess didn't you know?"
"To-geth-er, we were perfect together. I don't understand why you wanted a break from me Michonne?"
She craved for a way to explain her emotions that was currently being stirred in a blender.
"There are things you don't know about me Rick." She didn't understand how his intoxication was freeing up her lips.
"So what you'd think I'd run away when I found out? So you push me away instead? That's what this is?" He coveted words to express how much he wanted every piece of her.
She remembered every word she said that night. Her temporary goodbye had been a rehearsal of sorts, first practiced in the mirror of her small yellow bathroom. It was necessary for when she finally said the words to him that she didn't break down and cry. Time apart proved her love for him was unstoppable. Sacred even in his absence. How did she begin to tell him all the bad things?
He never failed at loving you.
Would he stay if he knew? Would he look at her the same? Love her the same way if he knew how damaged she felt? Out of a sense of loyalty she owed him the truth.
He never failed at loving you.
She remembered when her cheap apartment flooded out the first time, he came over and helped her clean the wet mess until the wee hours of the morning. When she finally broke down and cried that night she docked safely in the harbor of his arms. She had never felt so cared for in her life.
"I was afraid," she said softly, staring at the chinese cat resting amongst the premium bottles of vodka. The constant swinging of its arms the only distraction to its cold, judging eyes.
"Afraid of what?" She had all his attention now, everything and everyone fell away. Didn't she know if she was scared of something he'd come running?
"We were getting too close. You were asking so many questions. I couldn't bluff my way through versions of the truth anymore. I wanted to share myself with you but I was scared." He felt saddened that she willingly shared her body with him but not her whole heart.
"You're talking about me asking you to move in with me? Me asking to meet your family?" It was a facet of her life she didn't speak about. The more he poked and prodded the more she sunk into her shell.
"My mom was a drunk Rick." Ironic she was admitting that in a bar, "She walked out on my dad and me when I was thirteen." The tears began to fall, she was feeling so brave yet petrified of his reaction. Her story left scars and she couldn't hide them for long.
"She left my father a shadow of a man Rick. He forgot himself. We barely had money to get by. When I left for College after I had saved up some money working odd jobs he said I was just like her. You said you want to meet my parents….I kinda want to meet them too." Her fingers brushed away her free flowing tears as a cynical laugh escaped her bare lips. She dare not risk looking at him, she didn't want to see pity or sympathy in his mesmerizing blue eyes. "I'm not sure I know who I am Rick. I barely know what love is. When no one's around I'm a mess. You deserve better than that. I didn't want to do the same thing my mom did." The moment she began to pour out to him the heaviness that rested on her like a weight of stones, he sobered up.
Things were a bit clearer now, she did push him away but it wasn't because she didn't love him. Perhaps it was she loved him too much, he could hear it in her voice.
He had to reach her. He wasn't going to give up. He would swim the ocean to get to her if he had to. Their eyes met in a longing gaze. She saw the pain in his transparent blue eyes and knew their separation did that to him.
Her eyes fell to the ground in shame as she acknowledged she had done exactly what she was trying to prevent. "Oh my God. I'm her." Her hands flew to her mouth, sometimes bad choices were an inheritance from your parents.
Rick held her soft cheek in his palm, "You're not your mother. The difference is your mother wasn't happy. She wasn't in love with your dad anymore. That's why she left...but you are." He knew that to be as true as the sun rising in the east.
She leaned into his caress, so glad to feel his skin against hers again.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I couldn't let you see how that makes me behave." Her breaths had become slightly uneven with her confession and still she saw no judgement in this beautiful man's eyes.
"How about when you're at the end of your rope, I tie the knot?" He wanted her to know she could lean on him. "You don't have to hide from me Michonne. I'm in it for the long haul. It's ok if you don't know who you are. We can figure it out together. Your past doesn't matter to me, it's you're future I want to change. Baby look at me…." Her could get lost in her brown eyes, they were like the color of a rich cognac when she was most vulnerable. He wasn't going to stop believing in her because she was feeling temporary uncertainty. "I love you Michonne." His finger touched the spot above her breast, it felt almost like a wand pouring magic into her, slowly bringing her out of a deep sleep.
He saw her, that's what his eyes were saying. She had pushed him away in an effort to avoid infecting him with the sickness of not being whole but he had been her remedy all along. She thought she had to get all the missing pieces to her puzzle in order to be complete. Seeing Rick, hearing what he was saying was letting her come to an understanding that took her thinking to another level. The solution to her healing was more beautiful than the puzzle of her heartache.
"You love me huh?" She allowed a smile to slip from her lips. It had been her first smile in days and it rightfully belonged to Rick Grimes.
The love in his eyes filled her up, making her whole in a way where she was empty without him.
"So much." More than the moon loved nights and birds loved flight.
Their hands were clasped tightly in an eager reconnection. They were both unaware that all the customers had left, including Maggie, Shane, Daryl and Glenn. Tyrese and T-Dog were cleaning up, getting ready to lock up for the night.
"Maybe we can continue this talk at my place?" she timidly suggested. She was choosing to be rightfully loved by him.
"I'd like that." He kissed the palm of both her hands
He guided her off the stool, unable to break their physical link.
"Rick…..I don't want to run anymore." Certainly not from him.
"Then come home." For her, the light of his heart would always be on.