Shigure's Fantastic News
A/N: HEY, everybody! Guess what! I'm coming up with a new story about Shit-I mean Shigure and Hatori.
Shit-Shigure: Stop that.
Me: No.
Hatori: Well, at least she didn't torture me...
An evil grin spreads across my face. Hatori gets genuinely disturbed, and my friend tortures me by singing about harmony. Shut the fuck up, Jessi.
Jessi: PONIES!
Me: Fuck you.
Jessi: XD Ponies!
Hatori: Right to the point, then.
Me: This is a story about torturing Hatori with PONIES!
Shit-Shigure: STOP IT.
Hatori: You've gotta admit, that's pretty funny.
Shit-gure: DAMNIT.
Me: XD So, how's it been, fans? Do you want to hear another story?
Hatori: No.
Shitgure: OK, I'm done.
Me: Yay! On with the story!
On a typical day in his office, Hatori scrutinized medical files with a blank expression. He thought to himself about the recent incident in which Shigure had sneaked into his office, stolen a key, and rummaged through the medical files. What was worse, he had never fessed up to it. So, Hatori had to sit here for several hours, sorting out medical files, records, and charts.
Soon, a loud bang startled him. In ran Shigure, beaming like a jackass. This meant that Hatori wouldn't be finishing his work that day.
"Oh, God."
Hatori sighed, waiting for yet another retarded rant from his sly friend.
"I've got something to SHOW you!"
Why me, God? Why me?
Hatori thought to himself, watching as Shigure once more knocked the files off of his desk and danced in the pile of papers.
"GET OUT OR TELL ME WHAT YOU WANTED TO SAY, SHIGURE!"
"Oh, on the rag, Hatori?"
"I am male, and therefore, your statement is illogical!"
"WOW, really?"
"OK, tell me what you came in here for! What is that?"
Hatori looked to the delicate toy pony in Shigure's hands. He had never suspected that the perverted zodiac dog would skip into his office with such a toy. Shigure's grin grew from small to enormous in a second. Hatori shuddered with ill ease. This could mean the rest of his day. Suddenly, Hatori got an idea. He could go out of the office right now down to Akito's room for an 'examination' and tell Shigure to leave. He got up, plan in mind, only to have something smack him in the head.
"OW!"
Shigure had playfully tossed the toy pony at Hatori's head of black hair, and he wasn't going to let him leave with any excuses until he told Hatori what he wanted to say.
"It's a doctor, Harri, just like you!"
"No, It's an idiotic child's toy!"
Shigure gasped as though wounded and pouted.
"Y-You're so HEARTLESS!"
Shigure flew at his friend and tackled him, laughing as Hatori attempted to wrestle his way out of Shigure's vice grip.
"OK, OK, I'll listen! Jesus, what do you want?"
Shigure, seeing as Hatori had been tackled sufficiently, decided to bestow upon him the vast knowledge of ponies.
"OK, so, this here is Dr. Hooves."
Hatori practically vomited, but decided to maintain his composure as Shigure cuddled the small toy. He was mortified as Shigure put Dr. Hooves on his lap and made small horse noises.
"OK, asshole, get out or tell me if there's a point to this rant."
"Oh, believe me, Harri, there is. Because I have somebody else coming in here to introduce you to the WHOLE pack of ponies!"
"Oh, shi-"
"AYAME!"
"NOOOOO! You unbelievable idiot! What in the hell?"
As soon as Hatori had cried out in dismay, another bang was heard and his much abused office door came off of it's hinges (practically) as Ayame pranced in, cornering him.
I'm helpless...to IMBECILES!
Hatori practically wept with helplessness as Ayame whipped out Rarity, the second in the collection of dreaded ponies.
"SHE OWNS HER OWN SHOP, HARRI!"
"I DON"T CARE, AYA!"
Ayame's reaction was worse than Shigure's. Ten times worse. Really. A pout crossed the zodiac snake's face and he began to whine. Hatori could swear that he saw Ayame starting to cry.
What a child.
Hatori thought scornfully. Shigure made a move to comfort his immature friend.
"Oh, come on now, Aya, he didn't mean it!"
Shigure comforted, rubbing Ayame's back.
"Sh-Shigure, I wonder if we might bring in the bag."
Ayame sniffled and ignored Hatori completely.
Hatori's jaw dropped.
"What bag?"
Shigure and Ayame were in their own world by now, and Shigure had taken Ayame's hands lovingly.
"Why, of course we can get the bag."
"WHAT BAG?"
Hatori practically yelled, perspiring slightly.
"THIS ONE!"
The two joyous friends whipped out a giant drawstring bag and dumped the contents out onto Hatori's desk.
"MY files!"
"OUR PONIES!"
Hatori practically had steam coming forth from his ears as the two full grown men started to play with the ponies on his desk.
"OK, OK, so here we have Twilight Sparkle and Star Sparkle! They're mommy and daughter!"
Ayame gushed over the two ponies and then turned to the rest of the pile.
"Oh, no, Harri, Rarity is SICK! This calls for a doctor's care! Oh, Dr. Hooves!"
"God Damnit!"
Hatori hissed as Ayame pranced the ponies across his laptop.
"Oh, wait! How about we treat this sickness with ICECREAM?"
"A brilliant idea!"
"OH, Harri, would you be so kind as to pick up Sweet Cream Scoops?"
Ayame asked, brushing Rarity's mane.
"How about you take your child's play and shove it up your-
"Look, it's Rarity's sister, Sweetie Bell!"
"What?"
As Shigure took out yet another pony from the giant pile, the one on top of EVERY Sohma family member's medical record, Hatori felt within him an unspeakable emotion. He didn't want to open up to the two insane friends before him; that would make them stay longer than needed. The situation had gotten far from comfortable in the past two minutes, but he also wanted them to...stay.
"Um, you guys?"
Hatori said reluctantly.
Ayame turned his head to see Hatori's expression. It had dissolved from rage to a genuine smile.
"Oh, what's this? Has Harri undergone some kind of wonderful transformation?"
Ayame beamed.
"I do believe he has, Aya! Let's play together!"
Shigure laughed and picked another pony from the gargantuan pile on Hatori's desk.
"OK."
Hatori sighed. He cringed as a delicate pony and it's brush were placed in his extended hand. Even though he felt no real affection towards the toys, he did want Aya and Shigure to stay with him. He was working too hard lately and wanted a break, even if it was ludicrous in nature. So, the two crazed friends showed Hatori the whole collection of ponies on his desk and introduced him. He didn't protest as Shigure started to talk about the SHOW.
"So, there is a show about these wonderful creatures! Aya, let's tell him about Lyra and Bonbon's lesbian affair!"
Hatori froze in his spot. The delicate brush fell out of his hand in shock as Ayame grinned and made serpentine movements towards him. He put his arm around Hatori's stiff shoulders and smiled at Shigure, who gave him a thumbs up.
"You see, Harri, sometimes a woman loves a woman. And sometimes, a female pony loves a female pony. So, they get married. And then, they have some fun. SHIGURE! Get me Lyra and Bon Bon!"
Hatori felt his stomach twisting and didn't like what he thought he was about to see. Ayame extended excited hands to Shigure, who tossed him the two girl ponies. Ayame took the two ponies, put one on top of the other, and started to make it hump the one beneath it.
"They love each other, Harri!"
Hatori's tolerance had hit an all time low, and he pushed Ayame off of him.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"I'm showing you how the ponies interact, Harri! You as a medical professional should understand! Stop being so...immature!"
Ayame protested with a pout.
"W-What? You're the one who came in here with your damn horses!"
"PONIES!"
The two men shouted in unison.
Suddenly, Hatori's much abused office door flew open as a robed Akito stormed in.
"I've been woken up by your screaming! What is this?"
Akito bellowed, ignoring Shigure's mimicking for the moment. She suddenly paused as she saw upon Hatori's desk what she longed for as a little girl.
"Oh my GOD! Are those...My Little Ponies?"
"Yes!"
"C-Can I join you?"
"WHAT?"
Hatori practically bellowed as Shigure and Aya beckoned Akito over, and handed Akito Fluttershy and Sunny Daze.
"These are so pretty! My mother never bought these for me!"
"Well, now you can join us!"
"Yay!"
As the trio of full grown adults started to horse around (HAHA) with the ponies, Akito let out genuine laughter for the first time in front of Hatori. This assured him to some degree. Maybe this was beneficial to Akito's health somehow. He wanted to ask the trio to leave and let him reorganize, but he was interrupted in his chain of thoughts when the phone rang.
He picked it up, putting a hand up to silence the laughter. As they listened to the person on the other line, Shigure couldn't help but grow pink in the face with stifled laughter.
"Hatori! This is Rin! I've had more trouble with my stomach and now, I'm in the hospital again! Please, they want you to come over here and tell them about my condition!"
Hatori nodded and cleared his throat, giving Rin the best professional answer he could.
"Of course, Isuzu. For the time being, I must attend to another matter. I will be there in half an hour."
"You'd better be! They won't treat me until you tell them what's wrong!"
"OK, Isuzu, calm down."
After she had hung up on him, Rin went back to being in pain. Hatori had to break it to the trio that they needed to visit Rin or leave his office.
"OK, so Rin is in the hospital once more. I have to go and verify treatment plans and medication options with the doctors there. If you all wish to come, then say so now."
Everybody there stared at him for a moment and then, all at once, swept the ponies into the draw string bag, ran out to his car, and waited there, anxious as five-year-olds. Rin had to see this collection! She HAD to!
As soon as the quad had gotten to the hospital, Hatori went to the room in which Isuzu was cowering in pain. Akito, Shigure, and Ayame waited patiently for the doctors to give her medicines to ease her pain before playing with her. It wouldn't be fair to introduce her to the WHOLE herd of ponies before the painkillers set in.
"OK, Shigure, Aya, Akito, you can visit Rin, but make sure to do nothing to disturb her."
Hatori warned.
"Oh, OK, HARRI!"
Aya beamed.
"You're going to torture her, aren't you?"
"No, we're gonna PLAY with her!"
Shigure laughed. Hatori narrowed his eyes at the sly dog.
"God damnit, Shigure, if Rin so much as calls me to complain of your insolence, I will not speak to you again!"
"Don't worry, Hatori, we'll play nice..."
Akito smiled. This proved to be more unsettling than Shigure's grin.
"Wow, what am I doing?"
Hatori sighed as Ayame hugged him tightly.
"We love you so much! Now we can spread the word of My Little Pony! To sick children! To the elderly! To the terminally ill!"
Ayame stated dramatically.
"NO! Just to Rin!"
"Fine..."
As the trio of full grown adults skipped into Isuzu's hospital room, Hatori said a silent prayer for her sanity. She would need to cling to it with every fiber of her being if she wanted to survive the brigade of ponies she was about to face.
Rin stared at Akito, Shigure, and Ayame in a daze. Perhaps it was the drugs, but she could swear that Akito had a smile on her face. A genuine one, at that. This could be bad...
"Oh, Rin, guess what we have for you..."
Ayame laughed.
"OK, asshole, listen and listen well! I feel like SHIT today! So, unless you have a bag full of painkillers, you can leave right now!"
Shigure chuckled at Rin's sudden outburst and shook his head.
"Oh, Rin, don't you know that painkillers don't last a lifetime? You have to get more and more of that each time to have the same effect. What we have here is so much more...valuable than any painkiller you'll get while you're here!"
"Um..."
Rin said as Akito herself strolled over with the giant bag. Akito dumped the bag upside down onto her lap.
"W-What?"
"They're ponies, like you, Rin!"
Rin's face turned red, then white, then red again.
"Excuse me?"
Akito put on a smile and pulled from the giant pile Zecora. The delicate zebra toy practically blinded Shigure in his right eye as Rin chucked it at his face.
"YOU ASSHOLE! This is a ZEBRA! And what the hell do you expect me to do with this piece of plastic?"
"Ow! You're so mean, Rin! We just wanted to spread hope and sunshine and friendship to your life!"
"Well, you failed! Now get out! I'm calling Hatori!"
Shigure ran over to her wall phone, tore the wire out of the wall, and put on a sinister glare. Rin froze in her place, phone in hand.
"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Isuzu."
Rin's jaw dropped as the three adults circled her with the love of My Little Pony.
One hour later, Hatori broke the door down to Rin's hospital room; it had been blocked by a chair.
"Rin! Are you OK?"
Hatori bellowed this question and stopped in his tracks at the sight before him. Instead of seeing a pool of blood with Ayame, Shigure, and Akito in it, Hatori saw Rin giggling and combing the mane of Pinky Pie.
"Sh-She's just so CUTE, Hatori!"
Hatori's jaw dropped, and he grew white. Akito made her way over to the dragon of the zodiac and giggled, holding out Colgate. He fainted instantly.
Back at the main Sohma estate, Hatori woke up to laughter. He sighed as he saw, upon his stomach, a pile of ponies from the draw string bag.
"OH, He's awake now! Aya, he woke up!"
Shigure called out in a hushed and excited tone.
Ayame pranced over to Hatori's side and grinned down at him. Hatori, convinced that he was about to die, closed his eyes and prayed as Ayame leaned in close to his shoulder.
"Oh, Harri. I have something to tell you..."
"Shit."
"No, really, it's sooo good!"
"OK, what is it?"
"Carrot Top loves you."
END