**DISCLAIMER**
None of use claim ownership of any of the characters or places presented within, nor do we take any liability for headaches, gag-reflexes, or other afflictions this half-sensible fic would cause. Enjoy.
NOTES
This story was completely unplanned, and just kind of wrote itself late one night when the three of us were chatting. We spontaneously broke into role- playing, and just couldn't stop. I, BakaMattSu, would like to quickly thank BFC and Aoi for one heckuva time while writing this. And as such, make sure you note that I don't take full credit (or blame as you may see it) for this work – it was a joint effort. I merely ended up as the messenger, so please don't shoot me! And for you other readers, I dare you to try and figure out who wrote for which character! Go ahead and guess! ;)
* * * * *
"SELF INSERT"
A SABER MARIONETTE J IMPROV
By BakaMattSu, BlueFiragaCarter, and Lady Aoi
[SCENE 1 – OTARU'S APARTMENT Late Afternoon. A drowsy Pepito has appeared on the scene, quickly realizing that he's out of place...]
LIME
Yahoo! It's me Lime!
PEPITO
(yawns)
Oh. Hao, Lime.
CHERRY
(sighs)
Oh, Lime, you are always so overly energetic...
LIME
(runs around in her squeaky shoes)
HAO!
PEPITO
¿? Um.... uh.... ne?
CHERRY
Slow down Lime or you'll hurt someone...
LIME
(jumps on top of Hanagata)
Oh, gomen, Hanniechan!
HANAGATA
You stupid marionette! Watch where you're going!
PEPITO
Ah......this... is... i am sleeping already aren't i?
LIME
(grins at Hanna and bounces off)
OTARU
Oi, Hanagata, get off the floor.
HANAGATA
(immediately jumps up)
Otaru-Kun! Imagine meeting you here!
PEPITO
.......
OTARU
(tries to run away)
Um... yeah. I have to go over here now...
HANAGATA
(glomps him)
Don't go Otaru-Kun! It's rude to leave a guest!
PEPITO
I'd better go home now... this is getting scary...
CHERRY
(points at Pepito)
Hey, who's that guy?
PEPITO
Gh......
OTARU
(fights Hanagata off)
PEPITO
(tries to escape out the front door)
Um.... I'm leaving... this is odd
CHERRY
(stops him)
Just where do you think you're going? Are you a thief?
PEPITO
(nervous)
Ah! No! No... I was just well... I... em...
OTARU
HANAGATA!!!!!!
CHERRY
I thought so! Otaru?
(looks to see Hana attached to him)
Why...you...Hentai!
OTARU
Cherry! Get him off!
PEPITO
eh...?
CHERRY
(Peels him off and tosses the guy out the roof until he twinkles away)
PEPITO
(nervous)
i don't have anything.... let go....
CHERRY
Now, Otaru, look at this man!
OTARU
(dusts himself off)
Who is this guy, Cherry?
CHERRY
(points to the Pepito captured in her grip)
PEPITO
(choking)
CHERRY
Umm...ano...um...
OTARU
Cherry, let him go.
PEPITO
(falls to the floor nervous)
A-ha-haha
CHERRY
Now, why were you in Otaru-sama's house?
OTARU
Cherry, jeeze, calm down! He probably just has the wrong place!
PEPITO
This is a dream.... somebody pinch me... I dunno how I fell in this hole
CHERRY
Hole?
OTARU
Hole?
PEPITO
(nervous)
Ah...
CHERRY
(looks up to the roof where there's a Hana-sized hole)
But that wasn't there before I threw him, so explain that?!
PEPITO
I don't know anything... I just want to leave this place after somebody kicks my ass like that pity guy who's all messed in the floor
(points to Hana)
OTARU
Uh... Cherry.
HANGATA
(from floor)
My Otaru....
PEPITO
Ewww... is he.... gay?
Bah... this is insane
(nervous)
HANAGATA
(looks confused)
Who am I?
CHERRY
(stares dumbfounded from the hole to the floor)
But...but...I was sure I...
PEPITO
Can... I can.... I leave...?
OTARU
Cherry, we should at least invite him to dinner.
CHERRY
(submissive)
Hai.
PEPITO
Ah!
(sweatdrops)
No! No! No! No!
HANAGATA
..... I hurt in places that no one should hurt in. Ever.
CHERRY
(politely smiling)
You must stay for dinner, Mister...?
PEPITO
I don't want to.... what if she tries to slaughter me?
(points at Cherry)
I want my house!
I don't want any psycho girl to chop my whole self... I wanna live... I'm young to die!
CHERRY
(noticibly holding back anger)
Why would i WANT to slaughter you?
PEPITO
(nervous)
You almost choked me....
OTARU
Cherry won't hurt you, mister... will you, Cherry?
PEPITO
(nervous)
I don't want another grip of yours.... mommy!
CHERRY
Oh! Gomen na sai! I sometimes forget my own strength!
PEPITO
(give them all a puzzled look)
HANAGATA
I can't feel my left leg, Otaru-kun!
CHERRY
(suddenly notices smoke from the kitchen)
Ano! Sorry, I have to go finish up!
(runs off to kitchen)
PEPITO
(sighs)
Okay.... I will be there for dinner
(walks to a corner where to watch the show, scared)
HANAGATA
(gets up and glomps Otaru again)
BLOODBERRY
(Entering the front door)
I'm Hooome!
PEPITO
(jumps)
Ahhhh! another freak!!
HANAGATA
Otaru-kun!!! Kiss it all better!!!!!!
(makes kissy faces)
BLOODBERRY
(notices Hana around Otaru)
You...sick...twisted...freak!!!
(shoots Hana to the moon!)
PEPITO
(covers his eyes)
HANAGATA
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(twinkles)
BLOODBERRY
Say, Otaru, did you know there's a scared looking fellow in the corner there?
OTARU
Yeah, I know, Bloodberry. He just...
(shrugs and points to the floor)
BLOODBERRY
(looks to the floor)
He just what, Otaru?
OTARU
He just appeared.
BLOODBERRY
Like Hanako does all the time?
PEPITO
Ahhh... don't kill me
BLOODBERRY
(to Pepito)
QUIET YOU!
PEPITO
I'm quiet.......
OTARU
Um... kinda.
BLOODBERRY
What does he want?
OTARU
(looks at the stranger)
What do you want, anyway?
BLOODBERRY
(sudden thought)
Is he a THIEF?
OTARU
I don't think so.
BLOODBERRY
Oh, well then, what?
OTARU
(looks lost)
PEPITO
I just....
I just appeared.....
I'm quiet.
BLOODBERRY
No, you can talk now...
I want to know.
We just can't have people appearing from nowhere, you know...
I mean, how many married couples could live with that?
PEPITO
.....I'm leaving
(rushes to the door)
BLOODBERRY
Ne, Otaruu?
OTARU
... Married?
Yes, Bloodberry?
BLOODBERRY
Where's he gonna go?
I mean, if he just 'appeared', then how does he expect to know anything about Japoness?
OTARU
Yeah, are you from here?
BLOODBERRY
...and where to go for that matter?
PEPITO
(Slips and slams to the floor)
ough....
BLOODBERRY
(makes a schrunched face)
Ouch...
OTARU
(helps Bryan up)
PEPITO
Ah.....I can't feel my leg.... oh... it happenned like that Gay!
Aaah! I'm gonna die if I keep my feet on this place!
Too-hoo!
BLOODBERRY
(raises an eyebrow) Eh?
OTARU
He keeps calling Hanagata that.
BLOODBERRY
Hana-what?
OTARU
(shrugs and helps Bryan to a chair)
PEPITO
Thanks buddy... it's good to know that we still have kind people on Earth...
BLOODBERRY
(shrugs)
Ah well, I need a good drink...
OTARU
Earth?
PEPITO
What? Isn't this.... Ah my gosh!
BLOODBERRY
No, we're all out of Earth...
PEPITO
This seemed too out of itself to be Earth
OTARU
(looks puzzled)
What's an earth?
BLOODBERRY
(peeks around in the cupboard)
Aha! Who wants sake?
OTARU
I think I need some.
BLODDBERRY
Ya-ha!
(pours out three rounds for everyone at the table)
PEPITO
This is too much... What's taking that assassin too long?
BLOODBERRY
(drops her sake)
Assassin?!
PEPITO
What's her name? 'Apple'?
Or was it Banana?
OTARU
... CHERRY!!
PEPITO
I don't remember... I just wanna get out of here soon.... too hoo...
Oh yeah... Cherry Thingy.... thanks pal'
CHERRY
(brings in a full service)
Hai, Otaru-sama!
I've brought din...
(stops, noticing all the sake around)
HANAGATA
(smashes back through the roof and lands on the sake)
BLOODBERRY
Why...you...
(smashes him back up again)
PEPITO
Ah.... doomed... I'm doomed...
HANAGATA
BAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
PEPITO
I will soon follow that gay, ne?
This is your plan isn't it?
OTARU
Who is this assassin?
CHERRY
(Dishes out servings)
BLOODBERRY
(totally ignoring the comment about Hana)
Yeah, this killer you mentioned?
PEPITO
The one serving the dishes over there....
(points)
CHERRY
(drops a rice bowl and it cracks on the floor)
BLOODBERRY
Cherry, you're an Assassin?
PEPITO
She wouldn't lemme give an explanation....
She just committed to violently choke me!
CHERRY
(shakes her head violently 'no')
OTARU
What the hell --?
PEPITO
What.... now she's playing the saint role?
That's it I'm leaving...
CHERRY
Otaru-sama, you won't let him say these mean things about me, will you?
OTARU
(pulls out his weapon)
Of course not.
BLOODBERRY
I think he's on to something...
OTARU
What do you know?
BLOODBERRY
I mean, what does Cherry do all day long?
PEPITO
No need to waste your time.... I'm out of here anyways...
CHERRY
(Stands up)
What do I do?! Bloodberry!
PEPITO
(Reaches the door)
BLOODBERRY
All this time, you've been working behind our backs murdering people!
CHERRY
Why you brainless bimbo!
PEPITO
(slips again and slams on the floor again)
OTARU
Cherry, what is he talking about?
BLOODBERRY
Wanna make something of it, Cutting Board?
PEPITO
My....head
CHERRY
(too involved in the fight to notice anything else)
Yes I do!
PEPITO
I don't need anyone's help thank you.... Oh... my leg's back to work...
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
(In a cloud fighting now)
PEPITO
Is that a.... CATFIGHT!?
VOICE OF BAKAMATTSU
Yes, that is what you could call it...
PEPITO
Share some... haha.... this odd place has its ups and downs...
OTARU
(tries to separate the girls)
VOICE OF BAKAMATTSU
You've become involved in what's known as...
known as...help me out...what do you call it when you put yourself in a fic?
VOICE OF LADY AOI
SELF INSERT!!!!!!
VOICE OF BLUEFIRAGACARTER
(SIGFIC)
VOICE OF BAKAMATTSU
You've done that....whichever you call it is up to you...
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
(finally get seperated)
OTARU
Now calm down, you too!! Cherry, what is he talking about?
PEPITO
(smiling)
CHERRY
Well, he was running away so I grabbed him to stop it...and well, I think I overdid it...
PEPITO
...on purpose
OTARU
Oh....
CHERRY
(sharp stare)
Hey!
OTARU
(to the stranger)
She didn't mean to hurt you.
You just scared her.
PEPITO
(Sharp stare back at her)
CHERRY
(points at Bryan following his sharp stare)
Did you see that?
PEPITO
(smiles) You really look cute when you sharp stare.
Hahaha.... true
CHERRY
(face brightens)
Really?
PEPITO
Erm... but that won't change the matter that you almost killed me...
OTARU
Can we just eat dinner like normal people?
PEOPLE
Are you people? Great!
BLOODBERRY
Good idea, Otaru!!
(Downs a big glass of sake)
Good Dinner!
OTARU
(sits down and waits for his food)
PEPITO
This is not gonna be good....
CHERRY
(Dishes out the remainder of rice)
There we go!
PEPITO
Oh, look what you've done Apple....
You threw the rice to the floor.
Huh?
(leans to see)
HANAGATA
(pops out of the rice bowl and grins)
CHERRY
(eyes get wide)
PEPITO
(the crashed dish has a face of a deformed Lime)
HANAGATA
(belches)
Good rice.
PEPITO
And what in the world is this?
BLOODBERRY
(puts down her rice bowl)
Suddenly I'm not hungry anymore...
PEPITO
Ah... when did the gay appear...?
Hey.... whose bowl was this?
HANAGATA
(gets out of the rice bowl and curls up on the floor)
CHERRY
(Sharply stares at Hana)
How do you fit in those tight places anyway?
HANAGATA
ZZZZZZZ
PEPITO
You talking to me Apple?
CHERRY
(Finally notices 'Apple' is her)
Huh?
HANAGATA
Apple?
CHERRY
No, it's not Apple. It's Cherry!
PEPITO
Or was it banana?
HANAGATA
Do we have any bannanas?
CHERRY
Cherry!
PEPITO
What? i can't hear you?
BLOODBERRY
Quiet Hanako!
(gives him a small kick from under the table)
HANAGATA
(whimpers)
PEPITO
So this is how "normal people" eat.... interesting....
HANAGATA
(sits down by the stranger and tries to sneak his plate of rice away)
PEPITO
(wonder how freaks eat)
Hey.... There's "something" down here. Is it the dog?
CHERRY
And it's CHERRY!
PEPITO
Hey Apple, I guess you didn't feed the dog well.
OTARU
(sighs)
PEPITO
Go some other place Fido.
HANAGATA
Gimmee!
PEPITO
Nice trick.
(takes out dog food)
Here's your treat.
CHERRY
(heavy sigh...almost knocks her over!)
Why do I even try?
PEPITO
Talking is hard, even for a dog.
HANAGATA
Are you referring to me?
BLOODBERRY
(taking a curiosity)
I've also taught him how to fly...wanna see again?
PEPITO
(takes another bag)
You're outrageous Fido.
Fido can Fly?
HANAGATA
(throws a temper tantrum)
BLOODBERRY
(cracks her knuckles)
He certainly can!
C'mere, Hanako!
(Grabs him, winds him around a couple hundred times, then throws a fastball pitch)
HANAGATA
Why does this always happen to meeeeeeeee?
(twinkle)
PEPITO
Hey.... wait a minute that's not a dog.... that's..... the gay.....
OTARU
What the hell does the gay mean?
PEPITO
Beats me.... but it sounds cool.
CHERRY
(not noticing no one paying attention)
So, today at the market I saw the strangest thing...
OTARU
(listens)
PEPITO
(The stranger listens)
CHERRY
There were these two men...
...they were LARGE...
PEPITO
(hums)
CHERRY
(pauses for emphasis)
Okay...so I said they were large, right?
HANAGATA
So where is this going?
BLOODBERRY
Where did he come from again?
PEPITO
Wow.... that's odd
CHERRY
Hey! I'm telling my story here!
OTARU
Yes, Cherry? They were *large*
PEPITO
Sure...
CHERRY
So, there's these two large men, and they're squabbling back and forth over their bills...
So the first one flexes his muscles and goes 'Hey! I think you overcharged!'
PEPITO
(The stranger stares at Cherry too much so she gets nervous)
HANAGATA
(steals the stranger's food)
CHERRY
And the other's like 'No! I Gave you too much change!'
PEPITO
(stranger does not care, stares)
OTARU
Yeah?
CHERRY
...so they get so mad that they start wrestling like crazy...
..and eventually the one drops the other one, and grabs the bill...
PEPITO
(stares)
CHERRY
Then he looks really sheepish and looks down to the unconscious guy...
And says 'Sorry, wrong merchant."
(big breeze flies past)
HANAGATA
Well that was stupid.
PEPITO
(no word)
CHERRY
(shrinks)
BLOODBERRY
So, back to reality...
Somehow we want to get this guy back home, right?
OTARU
(to the guy)
So where did you say you were from again?
CHERRY
And what's your name?
PEPITO
That's too much! One at time.
Okay.... my name's Pepito and I come from Earth... got it?
So... why that silence of yours?
(notices he has no food)
BLOODBERRY
Earth? We're not talking drinks here, are we?
PEPITO
Banana you forgot to put my dish here.
HANAGATA
(looks sheepish)
CHERRY
(pondering)
I think Earth's someplace in New Texas isn't it?
HANAGATA
(know it all)
Earth is old Terra. The planet our ancestors are from.
PEPITO
Nope.... I know about Texas but never knew they were opening a new one.
BLOODBERRY
Oh! THAT Earth...
PEPITO
Is there any other?
HANAGATA
(looks cranky)
PEPITO
(looks at Bloodberry, puzzled)
And who are you? Jungle Orange?
CHERRY
Umm...that's a little far...
HANAGATA
(laughs)
BLOODBERRY
It's BLOODBERRY, "pepsi-cola"!
PEPITO
I can't hear you?
BLOODBERRY
I think this guy's got a hearing problem.
PEPITO
Well, we have a fruit cocktail over here...
Sincerely.... who invented those silly names?
Gee whiz... be smart... don't be a retard.... that's old
BLOODBERRY
And your name isn't silly?
Peppy?
PEPITO
Well at least no one will confuse me with a fruit on the supermarket.
BLOODBERRY
(arrogantly)
But they might want to stack you next to the condiments with the Salt, Mr. Pepper!
PEPITO
Yeah, well i make someone cough.... what about you.... Jungle Orange?
BLOODBERRY
(caught flatfooted)
Er...
PEPITO
Ah hah! Banana could you serve me some rice? You forgot my dish.
CHERRY
(looks confused, pretty sure she did give him a dish)
Hai..hai..
(gives him a new one)
PEPITO
Arigatou!
CHERRY
You're welcome!
PEPITO
Now tell me, Apple.... Do you have a crush on anyone?
(eats)
CHERRY
(blushes)
Oh! What a direct question!
I guess it's no secret, but I am destined to be with Otaru-Sama!
PEPITO
Are you answering?
BLOODBERRY
Hey! You mean *I* am!
PEPITO
Oh... what a waste....
You have surely noticed that there's just one of you two winning that piece right?
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
(turn to his comment)
What?
PEPITO
Who's winning here I mean?
You won't fall for that " I love you two the same way..." will you?
Why don't you ask him?
HANAGATA
Otaru loves me!
(sneaks his dish away again)
PEPITO
(grabs him before he goes away)
ah ha....
HANAGATA
(tries to blame it on Cherry by pointing at her)
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
(change focus to Hana) NO YOU'RE NOT!
PEPITO
Give it back..... I saw you...
We won't hurt you if you give it back... ok?
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
I'm Otaru's!
HANAGATA
(runs out of the room with the dish cackling)
PEPITO
Oh well.... maybe next time....
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
(Immediately stare at each other)
Hey!
(Both sweetly look to Otaru)
Otaru?
PEPITO
(to Otaru)
You got a problem dude....
OTARU
Um... I love all three of you!
PEPITO
Three? Wait.
(counts Banana and Jungle Orange)
They're just two.
So that means.....
There's another fruit joining the cocktail?
OTARU
Yeah there's Lime.
PEPITO
Lemon?
CHERRY
(sigh)
Pepito-jisan...with bad hearing.
PEPITO
Oh yeah.... and where's the Pinneapple?
HANAGATA
(popping out of a trunk)
DID SOMEONE SAY PINEAPPLE?
(he's dressed up as one)
PEPITO
Give back my rice!
BLOODBERRY
I'd boot him again, but I somehow know he'll just pop right back again...
HANAGATA
(dances around in the pineapple costume hoping to impress someone)
PEPITO
And that won't get my rice back...
What a pity...
HANAGATA
I want to be a pineapple!
CHERRY
Speaking of which, where is Lime, anyway?
PEPITO
Maybe she's living her life...
LIME
(breaks down the door and flattens Pineapple Hanagata as she races in with a kitty)
PEPITO
She finally realized she's a free spirit?
LIME
OTARU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FOUND A KITTY!!!
BLOODBERRY
(mumbling to herself)
She's a free spirit alright...
PEPITO
Hey... I could hear that...
She found a kitty!
I'm no deaf anymore... heh!
CHERRY
(mumbling to herself)
NOW he hears right...
LIME
(dances around with the kitty)
Neko-o!!!
PEPITO
Now this is the Lemon you all been talking about...
CHERRY
Lime!
We're eating here!
Quit putting cat hairs all over the place!
PEPITO
Limon, Cereza y Zarzamora.
BLOODBERRY
I'm not eating...
PEPITO
Quite a team....
(whistles)
LIME
(grins at the new guy)
Hao!!!
PEPITO
Hao, Lemon!
LIME
(she shoves the kitty into his face)
LIKE MY KITTY???
BLOODBERRY
(to Otaru in a bad italian accent)
Hear that, Otaru? It's Zarzamora!
OTARU
What's a Zaraazama?
PEPITO
Yeah... I like kitties.
Um..... Quite a girl this is....
PEPITO
So.... How are you Limoncito?
LIME
Hehe.
He called me a funny name.
BLOODBERRY
Baka.
PEPITO
I did?
Like Cow?
LIME
Ne ne, Otaru? What's a limoncito?
BLOODBERRY
Cow?
PEPITO
So Limoncito?
How about Dancing the Conga... since everything's going weird?
LIME
Ne ne, what's a conga?
PEPITO
(Claps. A Conga song is heard)
HANAGATA
(comes in as the pineapple)
PEPITO
Na na na na na NAAAAA
(shakes hips)
BLOODBERRY
Where's that music coming from?
PEPITO
It's the advantage of being the writer, Jungle Orange.
CHERRY
Where are those awful pineapple costumes coming from?
PEPITO
I can't answer to that one...
HANAGATA
Sid somebody say COOOOOOONGA????
BLOODBERRY
I'm confused... I thought you were "the writer" ?
PEPITO
Uh excepting for the pinneaple...
Na na na na na NAAAAAAAA
(keeps Dancing)
So, Limoncito? You're not up to it?
BLOODBERRY
So, shouldn't you have all the answers, such as where the pineapples come from?
PEPITO
Just Dance Jungle Orange!
LIME
Hehe, funny dance!
(joins him)
BLOODBERRY
Well, Otaru?
OTARU
(shrugs and joins Lime)
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
Hey!
PEPITO
na na na na na NAAAAAAAAA
(dances gracefully around in circles as the song is played)
HANAGATA
(falls over)
Help meee!
[END SCENE 1]
None of use claim ownership of any of the characters or places presented within, nor do we take any liability for headaches, gag-reflexes, or other afflictions this half-sensible fic would cause. Enjoy.
NOTES
This story was completely unplanned, and just kind of wrote itself late one night when the three of us were chatting. We spontaneously broke into role- playing, and just couldn't stop. I, BakaMattSu, would like to quickly thank BFC and Aoi for one heckuva time while writing this. And as such, make sure you note that I don't take full credit (or blame as you may see it) for this work – it was a joint effort. I merely ended up as the messenger, so please don't shoot me! And for you other readers, I dare you to try and figure out who wrote for which character! Go ahead and guess! ;)
* * * * *
"SELF INSERT"
A SABER MARIONETTE J IMPROV
By BakaMattSu, BlueFiragaCarter, and Lady Aoi
[SCENE 1 – OTARU'S APARTMENT Late Afternoon. A drowsy Pepito has appeared on the scene, quickly realizing that he's out of place...]
LIME
Yahoo! It's me Lime!
PEPITO
(yawns)
Oh. Hao, Lime.
CHERRY
(sighs)
Oh, Lime, you are always so overly energetic...
LIME
(runs around in her squeaky shoes)
HAO!
PEPITO
¿? Um.... uh.... ne?
CHERRY
Slow down Lime or you'll hurt someone...
LIME
(jumps on top of Hanagata)
Oh, gomen, Hanniechan!
HANAGATA
You stupid marionette! Watch where you're going!
PEPITO
Ah......this... is... i am sleeping already aren't i?
LIME
(grins at Hanna and bounces off)
OTARU
Oi, Hanagata, get off the floor.
HANAGATA
(immediately jumps up)
Otaru-Kun! Imagine meeting you here!
PEPITO
.......
OTARU
(tries to run away)
Um... yeah. I have to go over here now...
HANAGATA
(glomps him)
Don't go Otaru-Kun! It's rude to leave a guest!
PEPITO
I'd better go home now... this is getting scary...
CHERRY
(points at Pepito)
Hey, who's that guy?
PEPITO
Gh......
OTARU
(fights Hanagata off)
PEPITO
(tries to escape out the front door)
Um.... I'm leaving... this is odd
CHERRY
(stops him)
Just where do you think you're going? Are you a thief?
PEPITO
(nervous)
Ah! No! No... I was just well... I... em...
OTARU
HANAGATA!!!!!!
CHERRY
I thought so! Otaru?
(looks to see Hana attached to him)
Why...you...Hentai!
OTARU
Cherry! Get him off!
PEPITO
eh...?
CHERRY
(Peels him off and tosses the guy out the roof until he twinkles away)
PEPITO
(nervous)
i don't have anything.... let go....
CHERRY
Now, Otaru, look at this man!
OTARU
(dusts himself off)
Who is this guy, Cherry?
CHERRY
(points to the Pepito captured in her grip)
PEPITO
(choking)
CHERRY
Umm...ano...um...
OTARU
Cherry, let him go.
PEPITO
(falls to the floor nervous)
A-ha-haha
CHERRY
Now, why were you in Otaru-sama's house?
OTARU
Cherry, jeeze, calm down! He probably just has the wrong place!
PEPITO
This is a dream.... somebody pinch me... I dunno how I fell in this hole
CHERRY
Hole?
OTARU
Hole?
PEPITO
(nervous)
Ah...
CHERRY
(looks up to the roof where there's a Hana-sized hole)
But that wasn't there before I threw him, so explain that?!
PEPITO
I don't know anything... I just want to leave this place after somebody kicks my ass like that pity guy who's all messed in the floor
(points to Hana)
OTARU
Uh... Cherry.
HANGATA
(from floor)
My Otaru....
PEPITO
Ewww... is he.... gay?
Bah... this is insane
(nervous)
HANAGATA
(looks confused)
Who am I?
CHERRY
(stares dumbfounded from the hole to the floor)
But...but...I was sure I...
PEPITO
Can... I can.... I leave...?
OTARU
Cherry, we should at least invite him to dinner.
CHERRY
(submissive)
Hai.
PEPITO
Ah!
(sweatdrops)
No! No! No! No!
HANAGATA
..... I hurt in places that no one should hurt in. Ever.
CHERRY
(politely smiling)
You must stay for dinner, Mister...?
PEPITO
I don't want to.... what if she tries to slaughter me?
(points at Cherry)
I want my house!
I don't want any psycho girl to chop my whole self... I wanna live... I'm young to die!
CHERRY
(noticibly holding back anger)
Why would i WANT to slaughter you?
PEPITO
(nervous)
You almost choked me....
OTARU
Cherry won't hurt you, mister... will you, Cherry?
PEPITO
(nervous)
I don't want another grip of yours.... mommy!
CHERRY
Oh! Gomen na sai! I sometimes forget my own strength!
PEPITO
(give them all a puzzled look)
HANAGATA
I can't feel my left leg, Otaru-kun!
CHERRY
(suddenly notices smoke from the kitchen)
Ano! Sorry, I have to go finish up!
(runs off to kitchen)
PEPITO
(sighs)
Okay.... I will be there for dinner
(walks to a corner where to watch the show, scared)
HANAGATA
(gets up and glomps Otaru again)
BLOODBERRY
(Entering the front door)
I'm Hooome!
PEPITO
(jumps)
Ahhhh! another freak!!
HANAGATA
Otaru-kun!!! Kiss it all better!!!!!!
(makes kissy faces)
BLOODBERRY
(notices Hana around Otaru)
You...sick...twisted...freak!!!
(shoots Hana to the moon!)
PEPITO
(covers his eyes)
HANAGATA
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(twinkles)
BLOODBERRY
Say, Otaru, did you know there's a scared looking fellow in the corner there?
OTARU
Yeah, I know, Bloodberry. He just...
(shrugs and points to the floor)
BLOODBERRY
(looks to the floor)
He just what, Otaru?
OTARU
He just appeared.
BLOODBERRY
Like Hanako does all the time?
PEPITO
Ahhh... don't kill me
BLOODBERRY
(to Pepito)
QUIET YOU!
PEPITO
I'm quiet.......
OTARU
Um... kinda.
BLOODBERRY
What does he want?
OTARU
(looks at the stranger)
What do you want, anyway?
BLOODBERRY
(sudden thought)
Is he a THIEF?
OTARU
I don't think so.
BLOODBERRY
Oh, well then, what?
OTARU
(looks lost)
PEPITO
I just....
I just appeared.....
I'm quiet.
BLOODBERRY
No, you can talk now...
I want to know.
We just can't have people appearing from nowhere, you know...
I mean, how many married couples could live with that?
PEPITO
.....I'm leaving
(rushes to the door)
BLOODBERRY
Ne, Otaruu?
OTARU
... Married?
Yes, Bloodberry?
BLOODBERRY
Where's he gonna go?
I mean, if he just 'appeared', then how does he expect to know anything about Japoness?
OTARU
Yeah, are you from here?
BLOODBERRY
...and where to go for that matter?
PEPITO
(Slips and slams to the floor)
ough....
BLOODBERRY
(makes a schrunched face)
Ouch...
OTARU
(helps Bryan up)
PEPITO
Ah.....I can't feel my leg.... oh... it happenned like that Gay!
Aaah! I'm gonna die if I keep my feet on this place!
Too-hoo!
BLOODBERRY
(raises an eyebrow) Eh?
OTARU
He keeps calling Hanagata that.
BLOODBERRY
Hana-what?
OTARU
(shrugs and helps Bryan to a chair)
PEPITO
Thanks buddy... it's good to know that we still have kind people on Earth...
BLOODBERRY
(shrugs)
Ah well, I need a good drink...
OTARU
Earth?
PEPITO
What? Isn't this.... Ah my gosh!
BLOODBERRY
No, we're all out of Earth...
PEPITO
This seemed too out of itself to be Earth
OTARU
(looks puzzled)
What's an earth?
BLOODBERRY
(peeks around in the cupboard)
Aha! Who wants sake?
OTARU
I think I need some.
BLODDBERRY
Ya-ha!
(pours out three rounds for everyone at the table)
PEPITO
This is too much... What's taking that assassin too long?
BLOODBERRY
(drops her sake)
Assassin?!
PEPITO
What's her name? 'Apple'?
Or was it Banana?
OTARU
... CHERRY!!
PEPITO
I don't remember... I just wanna get out of here soon.... too hoo...
Oh yeah... Cherry Thingy.... thanks pal'
CHERRY
(brings in a full service)
Hai, Otaru-sama!
I've brought din...
(stops, noticing all the sake around)
HANAGATA
(smashes back through the roof and lands on the sake)
BLOODBERRY
Why...you...
(smashes him back up again)
PEPITO
Ah.... doomed... I'm doomed...
HANAGATA
BAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
PEPITO
I will soon follow that gay, ne?
This is your plan isn't it?
OTARU
Who is this assassin?
CHERRY
(Dishes out servings)
BLOODBERRY
(totally ignoring the comment about Hana)
Yeah, this killer you mentioned?
PEPITO
The one serving the dishes over there....
(points)
CHERRY
(drops a rice bowl and it cracks on the floor)
BLOODBERRY
Cherry, you're an Assassin?
PEPITO
She wouldn't lemme give an explanation....
She just committed to violently choke me!
CHERRY
(shakes her head violently 'no')
OTARU
What the hell --?
PEPITO
What.... now she's playing the saint role?
That's it I'm leaving...
CHERRY
Otaru-sama, you won't let him say these mean things about me, will you?
OTARU
(pulls out his weapon)
Of course not.
BLOODBERRY
I think he's on to something...
OTARU
What do you know?
BLOODBERRY
I mean, what does Cherry do all day long?
PEPITO
No need to waste your time.... I'm out of here anyways...
CHERRY
(Stands up)
What do I do?! Bloodberry!
PEPITO
(Reaches the door)
BLOODBERRY
All this time, you've been working behind our backs murdering people!
CHERRY
Why you brainless bimbo!
PEPITO
(slips again and slams on the floor again)
OTARU
Cherry, what is he talking about?
BLOODBERRY
Wanna make something of it, Cutting Board?
PEPITO
My....head
CHERRY
(too involved in the fight to notice anything else)
Yes I do!
PEPITO
I don't need anyone's help thank you.... Oh... my leg's back to work...
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
(In a cloud fighting now)
PEPITO
Is that a.... CATFIGHT!?
VOICE OF BAKAMATTSU
Yes, that is what you could call it...
PEPITO
Share some... haha.... this odd place has its ups and downs...
OTARU
(tries to separate the girls)
VOICE OF BAKAMATTSU
You've become involved in what's known as...
known as...help me out...what do you call it when you put yourself in a fic?
VOICE OF LADY AOI
SELF INSERT!!!!!!
VOICE OF BLUEFIRAGACARTER
(SIGFIC)
VOICE OF BAKAMATTSU
You've done that....whichever you call it is up to you...
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
(finally get seperated)
OTARU
Now calm down, you too!! Cherry, what is he talking about?
PEPITO
(smiling)
CHERRY
Well, he was running away so I grabbed him to stop it...and well, I think I overdid it...
PEPITO
...on purpose
OTARU
Oh....
CHERRY
(sharp stare)
Hey!
OTARU
(to the stranger)
She didn't mean to hurt you.
You just scared her.
PEPITO
(Sharp stare back at her)
CHERRY
(points at Bryan following his sharp stare)
Did you see that?
PEPITO
(smiles) You really look cute when you sharp stare.
Hahaha.... true
CHERRY
(face brightens)
Really?
PEPITO
Erm... but that won't change the matter that you almost killed me...
OTARU
Can we just eat dinner like normal people?
PEOPLE
Are you people? Great!
BLOODBERRY
Good idea, Otaru!!
(Downs a big glass of sake)
Good Dinner!
OTARU
(sits down and waits for his food)
PEPITO
This is not gonna be good....
CHERRY
(Dishes out the remainder of rice)
There we go!
PEPITO
Oh, look what you've done Apple....
You threw the rice to the floor.
Huh?
(leans to see)
HANAGATA
(pops out of the rice bowl and grins)
CHERRY
(eyes get wide)
PEPITO
(the crashed dish has a face of a deformed Lime)
HANAGATA
(belches)
Good rice.
PEPITO
And what in the world is this?
BLOODBERRY
(puts down her rice bowl)
Suddenly I'm not hungry anymore...
PEPITO
Ah... when did the gay appear...?
Hey.... whose bowl was this?
HANAGATA
(gets out of the rice bowl and curls up on the floor)
CHERRY
(Sharply stares at Hana)
How do you fit in those tight places anyway?
HANAGATA
ZZZZZZZ
PEPITO
You talking to me Apple?
CHERRY
(Finally notices 'Apple' is her)
Huh?
HANAGATA
Apple?
CHERRY
No, it's not Apple. It's Cherry!
PEPITO
Or was it banana?
HANAGATA
Do we have any bannanas?
CHERRY
Cherry!
PEPITO
What? i can't hear you?
BLOODBERRY
Quiet Hanako!
(gives him a small kick from under the table)
HANAGATA
(whimpers)
PEPITO
So this is how "normal people" eat.... interesting....
HANAGATA
(sits down by the stranger and tries to sneak his plate of rice away)
PEPITO
(wonder how freaks eat)
Hey.... There's "something" down here. Is it the dog?
CHERRY
And it's CHERRY!
PEPITO
Hey Apple, I guess you didn't feed the dog well.
OTARU
(sighs)
PEPITO
Go some other place Fido.
HANAGATA
Gimmee!
PEPITO
Nice trick.
(takes out dog food)
Here's your treat.
CHERRY
(heavy sigh...almost knocks her over!)
Why do I even try?
PEPITO
Talking is hard, even for a dog.
HANAGATA
Are you referring to me?
BLOODBERRY
(taking a curiosity)
I've also taught him how to fly...wanna see again?
PEPITO
(takes another bag)
You're outrageous Fido.
Fido can Fly?
HANAGATA
(throws a temper tantrum)
BLOODBERRY
(cracks her knuckles)
He certainly can!
C'mere, Hanako!
(Grabs him, winds him around a couple hundred times, then throws a fastball pitch)
HANAGATA
Why does this always happen to meeeeeeeee?
(twinkle)
PEPITO
Hey.... wait a minute that's not a dog.... that's..... the gay.....
OTARU
What the hell does the gay mean?
PEPITO
Beats me.... but it sounds cool.
CHERRY
(not noticing no one paying attention)
So, today at the market I saw the strangest thing...
OTARU
(listens)
PEPITO
(The stranger listens)
CHERRY
There were these two men...
...they were LARGE...
PEPITO
(hums)
CHERRY
(pauses for emphasis)
Okay...so I said they were large, right?
HANAGATA
So where is this going?
BLOODBERRY
Where did he come from again?
PEPITO
Wow.... that's odd
CHERRY
Hey! I'm telling my story here!
OTARU
Yes, Cherry? They were *large*
PEPITO
Sure...
CHERRY
So, there's these two large men, and they're squabbling back and forth over their bills...
So the first one flexes his muscles and goes 'Hey! I think you overcharged!'
PEPITO
(The stranger stares at Cherry too much so she gets nervous)
HANAGATA
(steals the stranger's food)
CHERRY
And the other's like 'No! I Gave you too much change!'
PEPITO
(stranger does not care, stares)
OTARU
Yeah?
CHERRY
...so they get so mad that they start wrestling like crazy...
..and eventually the one drops the other one, and grabs the bill...
PEPITO
(stares)
CHERRY
Then he looks really sheepish and looks down to the unconscious guy...
And says 'Sorry, wrong merchant."
(big breeze flies past)
HANAGATA
Well that was stupid.
PEPITO
(no word)
CHERRY
(shrinks)
BLOODBERRY
So, back to reality...
Somehow we want to get this guy back home, right?
OTARU
(to the guy)
So where did you say you were from again?
CHERRY
And what's your name?
PEPITO
That's too much! One at time.
Okay.... my name's Pepito and I come from Earth... got it?
So... why that silence of yours?
(notices he has no food)
BLOODBERRY
Earth? We're not talking drinks here, are we?
PEPITO
Banana you forgot to put my dish here.
HANAGATA
(looks sheepish)
CHERRY
(pondering)
I think Earth's someplace in New Texas isn't it?
HANAGATA
(know it all)
Earth is old Terra. The planet our ancestors are from.
PEPITO
Nope.... I know about Texas but never knew they were opening a new one.
BLOODBERRY
Oh! THAT Earth...
PEPITO
Is there any other?
HANAGATA
(looks cranky)
PEPITO
(looks at Bloodberry, puzzled)
And who are you? Jungle Orange?
CHERRY
Umm...that's a little far...
HANAGATA
(laughs)
BLOODBERRY
It's BLOODBERRY, "pepsi-cola"!
PEPITO
I can't hear you?
BLOODBERRY
I think this guy's got a hearing problem.
PEPITO
Well, we have a fruit cocktail over here...
Sincerely.... who invented those silly names?
Gee whiz... be smart... don't be a retard.... that's old
BLOODBERRY
And your name isn't silly?
Peppy?
PEPITO
Well at least no one will confuse me with a fruit on the supermarket.
BLOODBERRY
(arrogantly)
But they might want to stack you next to the condiments with the Salt, Mr. Pepper!
PEPITO
Yeah, well i make someone cough.... what about you.... Jungle Orange?
BLOODBERRY
(caught flatfooted)
Er...
PEPITO
Ah hah! Banana could you serve me some rice? You forgot my dish.
CHERRY
(looks confused, pretty sure she did give him a dish)
Hai..hai..
(gives him a new one)
PEPITO
Arigatou!
CHERRY
You're welcome!
PEPITO
Now tell me, Apple.... Do you have a crush on anyone?
(eats)
CHERRY
(blushes)
Oh! What a direct question!
I guess it's no secret, but I am destined to be with Otaru-Sama!
PEPITO
Are you answering?
BLOODBERRY
Hey! You mean *I* am!
PEPITO
Oh... what a waste....
You have surely noticed that there's just one of you two winning that piece right?
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
(turn to his comment)
What?
PEPITO
Who's winning here I mean?
You won't fall for that " I love you two the same way..." will you?
Why don't you ask him?
HANAGATA
Otaru loves me!
(sneaks his dish away again)
PEPITO
(grabs him before he goes away)
ah ha....
HANAGATA
(tries to blame it on Cherry by pointing at her)
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
(change focus to Hana) NO YOU'RE NOT!
PEPITO
Give it back..... I saw you...
We won't hurt you if you give it back... ok?
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
I'm Otaru's!
HANAGATA
(runs out of the room with the dish cackling)
PEPITO
Oh well.... maybe next time....
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
(Immediately stare at each other)
Hey!
(Both sweetly look to Otaru)
Otaru?
PEPITO
(to Otaru)
You got a problem dude....
OTARU
Um... I love all three of you!
PEPITO
Three? Wait.
(counts Banana and Jungle Orange)
They're just two.
So that means.....
There's another fruit joining the cocktail?
OTARU
Yeah there's Lime.
PEPITO
Lemon?
CHERRY
(sigh)
Pepito-jisan...with bad hearing.
PEPITO
Oh yeah.... and where's the Pinneapple?
HANAGATA
(popping out of a trunk)
DID SOMEONE SAY PINEAPPLE?
(he's dressed up as one)
PEPITO
Give back my rice!
BLOODBERRY
I'd boot him again, but I somehow know he'll just pop right back again...
HANAGATA
(dances around in the pineapple costume hoping to impress someone)
PEPITO
And that won't get my rice back...
What a pity...
HANAGATA
I want to be a pineapple!
CHERRY
Speaking of which, where is Lime, anyway?
PEPITO
Maybe she's living her life...
LIME
(breaks down the door and flattens Pineapple Hanagata as she races in with a kitty)
PEPITO
She finally realized she's a free spirit?
LIME
OTARU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FOUND A KITTY!!!
BLOODBERRY
(mumbling to herself)
She's a free spirit alright...
PEPITO
Hey... I could hear that...
She found a kitty!
I'm no deaf anymore... heh!
CHERRY
(mumbling to herself)
NOW he hears right...
LIME
(dances around with the kitty)
Neko-o!!!
PEPITO
Now this is the Lemon you all been talking about...
CHERRY
Lime!
We're eating here!
Quit putting cat hairs all over the place!
PEPITO
Limon, Cereza y Zarzamora.
BLOODBERRY
I'm not eating...
PEPITO
Quite a team....
(whistles)
LIME
(grins at the new guy)
Hao!!!
PEPITO
Hao, Lemon!
LIME
(she shoves the kitty into his face)
LIKE MY KITTY???
BLOODBERRY
(to Otaru in a bad italian accent)
Hear that, Otaru? It's Zarzamora!
OTARU
What's a Zaraazama?
PEPITO
Yeah... I like kitties.
Um..... Quite a girl this is....
PEPITO
So.... How are you Limoncito?
LIME
Hehe.
He called me a funny name.
BLOODBERRY
Baka.
PEPITO
I did?
Like Cow?
LIME
Ne ne, Otaru? What's a limoncito?
BLOODBERRY
Cow?
PEPITO
So Limoncito?
How about Dancing the Conga... since everything's going weird?
LIME
Ne ne, what's a conga?
PEPITO
(Claps. A Conga song is heard)
HANAGATA
(comes in as the pineapple)
PEPITO
Na na na na na NAAAAA
(shakes hips)
BLOODBERRY
Where's that music coming from?
PEPITO
It's the advantage of being the writer, Jungle Orange.
CHERRY
Where are those awful pineapple costumes coming from?
PEPITO
I can't answer to that one...
HANAGATA
Sid somebody say COOOOOOONGA????
BLOODBERRY
I'm confused... I thought you were "the writer" ?
PEPITO
Uh excepting for the pinneaple...
Na na na na na NAAAAAAAA
(keeps Dancing)
So, Limoncito? You're not up to it?
BLOODBERRY
So, shouldn't you have all the answers, such as where the pineapples come from?
PEPITO
Just Dance Jungle Orange!
LIME
Hehe, funny dance!
(joins him)
BLOODBERRY
Well, Otaru?
OTARU
(shrugs and joins Lime)
BLOODBERRY AND CHERRY
Hey!
PEPITO
na na na na na NAAAAAAAAA
(dances gracefully around in circles as the song is played)
HANAGATA
(falls over)
Help meee!
[END SCENE 1]