Oh the ocean rolls us away, away, away
The ocean rolls us away
The sun and the moon
An ocean of air
So many voices
But nothing is there
But the ghost of you asking me why
Why did I leave
Kaldur had to keep a precarious balance between remembering and wallowing. He had to remember, or he'd lose his mind to this villain he had become. At the same time he couldn't allow himself to delve too deeply or he'd be immersed in the pain of the memories, stuck at the bottom of the ocean he had once loved.
But just as it was when he was a boy, his dreams were filled with the surface world, but now he had a taste; he had friends; Raquel and his son. His beautiful Amistad that he had only found out about after Tula had died, only after Nightwing had asked him on this impossible mission.
In one of the brief meetings they managed while undercover, Dick slipped him a small snapshot. It was of Raquel showing off her bulging belly to the camera and beaming happily. Kaldur stroked the picture, willing her to feel his caress through the image.
"He's going to be a boy" Dick started filling him in. "She's asked me to come to the ultrasound since..." he trailed off not wanting to finish the sentence.
"They'll both be completely provided for" Dick assured after continued silence. Kaldur could hardly manage a curt nod, looking up at Dick.
"Thank you" his voice had become suddenly tight with the regret of being a father, without being a Dad. Just as Black Manta had been.
"Congratulations" Dick sounded anything but congratulatory but Kaldur accepted anyways.
Now in his underwater fortress of cold steel; he hid the sunshine of Raquel's face safely in his helmet. Her face had been hard and angry when she had found out about this deceit, and worse that it had been brought on by the death of Tula.
She used her rage to hide the sadness, but Kaldur could see it in the depths of her eyes. He couldn't bear the thought of her sorrow, so he looked away. She yelled and threw things till her voice was hoarse and there was nothing left in her apartment to break. He had always loved how she was always far more passionate than him.
He wonders now if he would have still chosen this mission if he had known Amistad. Dick had recently given him a small picture of his son, which he kept hidden with the other. He had his father's pale green eyes and his mother's smile spread across his chubby face.
Kaldur longed for the moment when he could say, it had all been a lie. Perhaps then she would let him hold him, kiss him and tell him he could be anything he wanted in the world. He would tell him the stories of his home, and of his youth as a superhero before everything became so difficult and hard to distinguish.
Some nights he was swept up by images, images of begging Raquel's forgiveness, of getting down on his knee and asking her to be his wife. She was the picture of a beautiful bride and Amistad would be their ring bearer.
He imagined Wally, Conner and Dick as his groomsmen, the men he had started everything with. Zatanna, Artemis and M'gann would be her bridesmaids, lovely and smiling brightly at their best friends. He'd twirl Raquel around for their first dance in front of all their loved ones and remind her in her ear that he'd always loved her and wanted nothing more than Amistad and her.
Yet his sentence in purgatory seems endless, he's starting to lose the memories of his friends. What M'gann's cooking was like, what Roy's eyes looked like, what Wally joked about with him when they laughed so hard they nearly burst. All he has now are the yellowed and worn images of Raquel and Amistad. With hope, one day soon he would be reunited with his family; old and new.
"He said his first word today" Nightwing added after Kaldur finished his briefing about the Light.
"What did he say?" Kaldur does not bother to hide his excitement. He lives and breathes for the small facts he can obtain about his family.
"Water" Nightwing smiles and Kaldur laughs, it trails off on a sad note.
"How is she, Nightwing?" Kaldur asks after much deliberation, not sure if he wanted an honest answer.
"She's working and she's raising him" he says simply and Kaldur craves more. "She doesn't want anything else right now." Nightwing finally adds. Kaldur isn't sure if he is saddened by the fact or elated.
Kaldur hopes, no believes, that one day he'll have his boy in his arms, maybe even more children with Raquel and they will be happy, these thoughts are the only thing that get him through sifting at the bottom of the ocean.
Angsty I know but I love the idea of Kaldur as a Dad
The Ocean by The Bravery