"Oh no!" James screamed. The imposing shadow of Voldemort loomed over his fleeing form.
"It's pointless, fool," the cold, high voice taunted.
"EEEEEEEEEK!" James screamed.
Total Silence.
And then, from upstairs, a female voice came. "Seriously, James?"
James went from scared to sheepish in a heartbeat. "Well...it felt right."
The Dark Lord Voldemort, robed in blackest robes and currently towering over James despite the surprising lack of difference between their heights, snarled out two words. "Avada Kedavra!"
"Oh no," James said weakly, falling to the ground.
The Dark Lord Voldemort spared him a long, pitying glance before sweeping up to meet the owner of the female voice from earlier. When he reached the room where she stood, almost defensively in front of a crib, she started. Then, finding something deep within herself, she asked one thing.
"James...?"
"He died as he lived," The Dark Lord spat, "piteous and weak. And now...it is your turn."
"Oh James," Lily moaned.
Not about to put up with this again, The Dark Lord raised his bleached-white wand. And then he was, of all things, interrupted.
"Oh...sorry. I'll just leave now," James said.
"Oh for the love of-" Voldemort exclaimed.
"James!" Lily scolded. "You're supposed to be dead right now. Dead! What about that word failed to register with your brain?"
"Honestly, we should have just hired an actor. Polyjuice is easy since you talked Severus into our cause," Voldemort put in.
"Hey," James said indignantly, but he got no further than that.
"JAMES FLEAMONT POTTER!" Lily raged, missing Voldemort's brief snicker. James would be hearing about that middle name sooner than later. "WE ARE AT WAR, AND WE ARE ATTEMPTING TO FAKE OUR DEATHS! THE DEAD DO NOT JUST GET UP AND WALK ABOUT BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO STUPID TO REALIZE THAT THEIR WIFE HADN'T YET PLAYED HER PART!"
James shrunk about three feet and then slunk back to his nice little 'dead' pose on the floor.
"Ahem," Voldemort said, trying to get back into character, "Where were we again?"
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE HARRY! I WON'T LET YOU!"
Voldemort felt no small amount of fear in his heart. He actually took a full step back before remembering himself. "Er, I mean..." The Dark Lord Voldemort returned, years of practice covering his brief uncertainty, "Oh? And what can you even do to stop me, foolish mudblood?"
"DON'T TRY ME!" Lily shouted with perhaps a bit too much gusto.
"Fool," The Dark Lord sneered, "You've even forgotten your wand. It looks like you'll die as you deserve, without an ounce of power to save yourself." Sneering again, just for the fun of it, Voldemort, Dark Lord over nearly half of the British Isles almost casually killed Lily Potter. She died far more believably than her husband, letting out a scream as the green light of death approached, a scream that cut off quite abruptly.
Voldemort actually nodded approvingly, before remembering why he'd come.
"And you, little child of prophecy...oh, the fun we shall have..."
He was actually picturing the island resort all of his 'victims' lived on, but it was best to keep the evil bent about his words anyway. It made for better press.
The little child, however, had other plans. As Voldemort moved to pick up the baby, he found himself suddenly enveloped in a brown, sulfurous cloud.
"Attaboy, Harry!" James shouted from the doorway.
"JAMES POTTER YOU WILL NOT BE SLEEPING INSIDE OF A BUILDING FOR A WEEK!"
"Eeek!" James fled, squeaking awkwardly.
"You know, I understand his earlier actions a bit more now," Voldemort said in a conversational tone.
Lily, also recognizing that there was no hope for their act, sat up. "Yeah, he's usually not this bad. I get the feeling he was a bit overexcited at the acting opportunity."
"Be that as it may, we're probably going to have to blow this place up just to make it look any kind of believable."
"Yeah..." Lily looked around sadly. Then a rather vindictive look came over her face. "Let's not tell James until we're outside though. Serves him right."
"Agreed." With that settled, Voldemort bent over once more, handling the infant with surprising delicacy. Lily took her real wand out of her shirt and gathered up a few of the more important belongings as he did so.
"You know, I've actually considered having kids a few times, over the years."
"Really?" Lily said, taken aback.
"Of course! What bloke doesn't dream of a happy family, right? Only problem is that I got caught up in the whole 'scary Dark Lord,' with capital letters, routine. It may be a good way of proving our point, but it is murder on a relationship."
"Have you even managed to get a date?"
"Yeah, a few times. It never went anywhere though. Always too-AAARG!" Voldemort, Dark Lord and terror of the British Isles, had tripped over James's quivering form.
"Get up, James," Lily said, resignedly, "We're leaving now."
"Finally!" the man said, springing up, "My legs were..." he trailed off, catching Lily's glare. "You know, actually everything was fine. I rather though we...erm...that went well. I'm leaving now."
"I fail to understand what you see in that man," Voldemort said dryly.
"It's like I said, he's usually a lot better than this," Lily said.
By this point they'd reached the door.
"Well James, any last words?" Voldemort asked, "Better ones than, 'Oh no?'"
James scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "It's like I said, it felt right."
"Stick to pranking, dear," Lily said, leaning over and giving him a kiss.
The kiss nearly distracted him from Voldemort as the man turned around and began chanting an explosive spell. Nearly.
"Wait, wait-!"
BOOM!
"...wait..." James finished weakly.
Voldemort turned around, a truly merciless expression on his face. "Well perhaps you could have done a bit better job acting your part. Then we wouldn't have had to blow the place up just to cover your idocy!"
"I-"
But then the timed portkeys they all had on activated, taking them to a surprisingly sunny and sizable island in the middle of some ocean. James didn't quite manage to finish that thought.