YOU ARE FORBIDEN TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY! Dedicated to all Mary Sue, unfortunately you shall always live... I own nothing!
Once upon a time, in a far far away country in the middle of nowhere there lived a beautiful princess. She was gracious as a deer, beautiful as a butterfly and smart as an owl. Princes Amaleria loved books about elves, every day she would read books about them. Amazing creatures! Oh how good it would be, if she could see a real elf in her life... She was sure, she will manage somehow to seduce him. She'll make him fall head over hills for her and then make him marry her despite all the differences. Yes, the elves are noble immortal, perfect, bla bla, but she was sure they will love her. Why? Because her hair is like pure silk, her eyes with a colour of...hmm... what? Sky? Forest? Or maybe, ah, let's say violet, she can always change them, can't she? Of course she can, she's Amaleria fon Braiden, princess of...? Ah, don't forget that she so beautiful, that every girl in school, mind you, even boys, are jealous of her beauty.
Poor you, attention! Now the description of her amazing, super-puper dress, along with cherry lips and thin waist, and how she braided her hair. Oh and don't forget she is smart and speaks 14 languages, even Sindarin and, what was that language called? Ah, right! No, I can't remember, poor author, you should take some lessons from Bealetrice, was that her name?
Everyone in the class room was drooling, being asleep after the long description. Ah, I am sorry, excuse me! Wrong! They all fell in love with her, and declared that they will dedicate their entire lives to protect her! So now princess Amendalia, forget it... SUE her, was reading a very expensive and good book. Tolkien's book! Hands off the book princess! The poor book is innocent! If you will keep it longer, it will be constrained to activate your dormant magic/powers, seer talent and let's say telekinesis, and transfer you to Middle Earth. Oh no! It activated! Now it will transport the princess to Middle Earth!
Middle earth, Legolas's bedroom.
Of course we will see him in the bedroom, preferably shirtless. Oh, breathe, breathe dear author, the power of the elvish beauty is tremendous! And how they smell... Ok stop it! Lets get back to work!
A young and beautiful elf, should I really write this? They are young and beautiful, damn them! Makes me jealous! Now where is that ring... oh stop you don't! Yes you do! Only princess Legolasia is immune to it! Legolasia? Oh, forget it! I give up. Back to the scene!
"Your highness! Your highness! Force major!" cries the young elf, running shirtless toward his prince. Hihihi, can't help it. Be grateful it isn't a lake or a fountain, I mean water near, to see them wet. Their wet hair tresses... yep dear author you have a disturbed imagination...
"Force major?" asks Legolas blinking, meanwhile he passes his long elegant fingers through his long locks...
Author hits the prince in the head.
"Will you stop doing this? It distracts me from my work!"
"Can't help it, it was Ardenia's wish!" complains Legolas looking at his red tunic and his slinky pants and sighing in exasperation.
"Ah, dear author, may I ask you a question?" he tries waving his long eyelashes. The author nods eagerly, trapped in his orbs.
"What is a Force Major? What that even means? In Sindarin please? I don't know english words!" he is desperate so the author explains.
"Your highness she is here! The book brought her! We are doomed!" cries the young disturbing the prince's attention. The elf sighed, grabbing his head with his both hands and shaking it mimicking a grimace of pain. Legolas pales and his hands start shaking. He looks around himself trying to find an escape route. No such luck. All the window are closed, and even if he is an elf he can't jump from such a height and remain alive. He still wants to live! He is too young, only three thousand years old! He turns toward his fellow elf and curses: do even elves curse?
"Damn! Tell Aragorn and Boromir to hide! They are under her radar too! Ah and the hobbits! Tell the poor creatures that they should fear, tons of caresses and pinching of their cheeks, they must hide. Hide in the deep caves. And we? Lock the door and spread the word we all died, or went into deep hibernation! Or better that we are old and ugly!" ordered Legolas but the servant shook his head.
"I am sorry Sire. She is in our forest, just two minutes away. We are doomed..."
Legolas sighed and taking a deep breath said:
"Call the war council. Maybe they will help. Fight Legolas, fight! You can't fall in love with her at first sigh! Be a man! Damn, an elf!" he encouraged himself.
One minute latter the war council was held in the big hall.
"We gathered here to overcome a great disaster with the name... what was her name again?" asked Legolas, looking at his father. The older elf shook his head and raised an eyebrow.
"Aragornia?" asked him his father and Legolas sighed.
"Long story short, any ideas?" he asked with hope in his eyes.
"Maybe you should tell you are engaged?" asked carefully one.
"No, she will disrupt the engagement," shook his head Legolas.
"Sire! She is at the bridge! She will soon be here!" every elf present except the council members started running and screaming.
"Ideas? Who can think at something else? Meanwhile send some injured animals toward her," ordered Legolas.
"Injured animals? Like what?" asked a red headed elf.
"Some horses, unicorns, dragons at the very end! She will heal them with her power. It is a pity they will follow her after that, but we have no choice!"
"Tell her you are married! And have three children!" spoke someone.
"No, she will kill them too. Something else?" he asked inspecting them. He already started fighting the urge to run toward her, and grab her in his hands, then bring her in his bedroom. Poor Legolas...
"Curse! Fight Legolas, fight!" he tried shaking his head, but in vain. He already saw her long white hair in the window. The sun's rays bathed her in its light...
"Then last option my prince!" spoke the new appeared Gandalf, handing him a list. A common gasp was heard. Finally a hope!
"What is that?" asked Legolas taking the paper with trembling hands.
"Five kilos pork meat with fat, five white bunch of bread. Five litres of ale... what is that?" he asked looking at Gandalf with wide eyes.
"It is your daily diet from now on. It is your last choice." he said with a sad voice.
"She can't love a fat elf, can't she?" asked Gandalf. At the same moment the door started to tremble, someone was trying to open it open.
"Gandalf, elves can't be fat..." murmured Legolas trying in vain, not to turn around, to see the perfect returned half elvish, half goddess, beauty.
"Then you're doomed," paled Gandalf looking at the door. The wood door finally opened, and princess Arturia entered.
"Indeed, there is no escape for me... Forgive me father...I succumb to my destiny, there is no way to fight that..." mumbled Legolas and ran toward her and grabbed her his hands.
So they lived very looooong, since yes, she became an elf, and very happily ever after.
Fin!