AN: This is a pretty heavy piece involving sensitive topics and material. It mainly deals with the idea of grief, so if that's triggering to you, please don't read this.
Also another fair warning, the characters are super OOC. Like these are probably just characters I made up and attached the names Nene and Satoshi to, to be quite honest. I really tried to push through it, because some of you asked for the angst...but it was really hard. I should just stick to fluff...Major respect to angst/hurt/comfort writers. I don't understand how you do it.
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Baby, I'm Sorry
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Her heart sank. She felt her arms numb on the cold railings of the office chairs while her surroundings quickly deafened, leaving her to the lonely emptiness of her thoughts. She couldn't really discern what the doctor was saying. Too many medical terms for her to comprehend at once. Too much shock. Too much anger. Too much grief. Nene weakly nodded to his remarks and advice, not really sure what she was agreeing to or acknowledging. Although forcing herself to hold her head up, she found it hard to focus her gaze anywhere other than downward onto the slight tremors of the hands folded in her lap, for she was too afraid to look up and see the useless pity in the doctor's eyes.
"Is your husband with you today?" The doctor quietly asked.
Nene shook her head. "He's on a business trip." He was suppose to come back this morning. His flight got delayed, she bitterly thought. She looked to the empty seat, reminding her of him. A sense of dread and fear overcame her. Oh god, he doesn't know. She became paralyzed, running horrible scenarios of her breaking the news. What am I supposed to tell him? How will he react? Disappointed? Angry? Will he be ashamed of me?
"Well Isshiki-san, this happens to many women. Miscarriages are very common." He tried to reassure her. Miscarriage. Nene gently removed her frames, folding them to rest between the dip of her wrinkled dress between where her thighs met. She lowered her head, letting the ashy green bangs obscure her watery eyes threatening to bare the tears she so desperately held in. I… I… This is my fault. I killed our child. She choked the sob; using her hand to keep any noise from escaping. "Here's your note. I will have my office call you in a couple of days for a check in." She saw the doctor sigh as if it was nuisance for him to be here. He extended the slip of paper which she shakily grabbed.
"I know this can be difficult to explain to a partner so,-" What would you know? "-if you need me to explain to him-" What is there to explain? "-feel free to come in any time." Never.
"Okay." She whispered, grimacing at the obligatory and robotic offer. I can't tell him. I won't. She panicked. This never happened. The note slowly crumpled in her grip. I was never pregnant. I never miscarried. He doesn't need to know.
"Mama, is Papa back today?" The cheerful three year-old bounced. As the day set, the two were walking back from Nagomi's preschool.
"Tomorrow." She responded blankly, keeping her focus on the gray pavement in front.
"Aw!" The girl pouted. "I miss Papa!" Ignoring Nagomi's complaints, Nene's shoulders hung a little lower than usual; burdening the weight of loss. Her lips curved slightly downwards and her eyes were a dull pink like a wilting camellia. She wasn't sure what was happening in her mind at the moment, or even if anything coherent was processing at all. But she was aware of what she wanted to shut out: the pregnancy, the miscarriage, the horrible bleach smell of the clinic, the baby… Him.
Nagomi went on for a couple of minutes with her small hand in her mother's. The little girl blabbered on (in the best speech she could manage) about her day at school: how mean Sousuke-kun was, the new piece she learned in piano class and how she was looking forward to seeing grandfather and grandmother during the summer. But she quickly quieted down, seeing her mother in a daze. Nagomi tugged the hem of Nene's shirt, grabbing her attention. "Mama? Why are you sad?" She tilted her head. She was always a perceptive girl, especially for her age; always sensitive to the feelings of others around her. She's so much like him.
A hand flew up to clutch Nene's chest as a pang resounded in her heart. Her daughter looked up innocently, her wide blue eyes looking straight into Nene's. She had been avoiding her face the entire time. Really any children around her was triggering, but her daughter especially; the one her body didn't kill. She quickly turned away, breaking the gaze. "Nothing."
"Papa said when I'm sad, I should tell someone. So if Mama is sad, I'll lis-"
"Not now Nagomi." Nene's voice raised. "Mama is just tired."
A fist pounded heavily against the smooth surface of the kitchen counter as she yelled from across the room to him standing at the entrance. "Didn't I tell you to clean this first?" Nene seethed in irritation, pointing to the dishes in the sink. Satoshi switched his gaze from his angry wife to the pile.
"I was going to do them later." He defended as he put up a carefree smile and placed his hand on the back of his neck.
"Yeah. After I finish cleaning them. I swear you idiot, you can't expect me to do everything!" She sneered. Turning her back to him, she roughly turned the handle of the faucet, letting a violent stream of water filter out, splashing against the dirty plates. He paced into the kitchen to where she stood and came up behind her, reaching over to gently turn the handle back to its original position.
"Hey, calm down. I'm sorry." He moved his face in front of her scowling one. "Nagomi was going to ask you to read to her, but you seemed upset. So I offered instead. I really was planning to do it after." He smiled softly.
Under normal circumstances, the fight would simply end there. But lately, that stupid smile of his has been the catalyst of her ever growing anger. Anger towards the world, towards others, but mostly towards herself. The bottled up grief had been increasing in pressure ever since the appointment about a week ago. And recently, it's been released in the form of Nene's wrath.
She pursed her lips and glared at him. "Just get it done." She warned, wiping off her hands. She turned and began walking out of the kitchen.
"Wait!" He reached out and grabbed her shoulder. Surprised, she jumped and swatted his hand away.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" She snapped.
His face contorted in pain, eyes drooping in worry. "Hey," he began, leaning a bit to her reach eye level. "What's wrong? You've been acting weird ever since I came back. Did something happen?" Oh, something happened alright. As if taken aback by her own response, her hand fell back to her side. Her eyes narrowed in confusion and she shifted her gazes downward, ashamed. Why am I acting like this? Nene, apologize now!
But no apology came. Her shoulders hung a bit as she gave him a cold shoulder. "Just leave me alone." She mumbled before exiting, leaving him in the kitchen. He watched her walk out. A couple of seconds later, he heard the slam of their bedroom door echo through the house.
Thank god Nagomi was staying at her parent's house for the summer, because she was just about ready to explode.
"Nene," Satoshi called watching her figure move farther and farther away as he tried his best to quickly slip off his shoes in the genkan. "It's really not what it looked like!"
"What was it suppose to look like! Huh? Because it sure looks like that waitress of yours was hitting on you and you were liking it!" She accused, dropping her bag on the floor.
"That's not true!" He said exasperatedly.
"She was all over you and you weren't doing anything about it!" Nene yelled, poking a finger into his chest.
"I wasn't doing anything with her, I swear!"
"Am I really not enough for you anymore?!" Shouted Nene, clenching her fist and jaw. Please don't answer that. I'm afraid of what you'll say.
He ran a hand through his hair, sighing deeply. Resting his weight on his left leg, he placed his hand on his hip in frustration. "You're not listening to a word I'm saying." I'm really not. I just saying this to hurt you.
"I don't have time to listen to a cheater." She shot, storming away from the living room.
He reflexed at her comment, catching up to her to grab her arm and turn her around. "You know I would never cheat on you." I know.
"Let go of me!" She struggled against his grasp. What I really meant to say is don't let go. His grip tightened and he reached out to her other wrist, pulling her towards him while she pulled away. "LET ME GO!"
"Nene, calm down!" He pleaded but she continued to resist. The two struggled in the middle of the room, him clearly winning the fight she refused to give up on. "Come on, please just look at me."
"NO! JUST LET GO!" She yelled again. "LET ME G-"
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked calmly. She froze, eye widening. Turning back to him, see saw his solemn face.
"Wha… What are you talking about?" She breathed.
He sighed, running a hand through his face. "That you were pregnant. About the miscarriage." The blood drained from her face and her hands went cold. She dropped her arms and with it his hold on her wrists slackened.
"How do you know about that?" She whispered, terrified.
"The clinic called a couple of days ago. They were asking for a check up. Why didn't you tell me?"
"It was none of your concern." She said coldly, breaking eye contact.
"It was none of my concern?" He repeated in shock. "How can you say that?" His calm demeanor began to break.
"Stop changing the topic. It has nothing to do with this!" She retaliated.
"No, it has everything to do with this Nene!" He raised his voice. "You've been snapping at everyone lately, but haven't been telling anyone what's wrong! You've been ignoring Nagomi and I when all we have been trying to do is help you! I get this is how you're dealing with things but-"
"SHUT UP! I never asked for your help!" She screamed hysterically. "You have no right to talk about this, you were gone!" I needed you. I still do.
"I was on a trip!" He held out his palms and motioned forward at her ridiculous reasoning.
"Yeah. For all I know you could have been having an affair!"
His body tensed, clenching his jaw. "Stop, please." Satoshi warned dangerously low.
She didn't listen though, against her better judgement. She wanted to hurt him. She didn't know why, but she hated being the only one experiencing this swirling confusion of her feelings. Nene didn't know what was going on inside her, but she just wanted it to end, even if this was the outlet. "Or what?" She bit. "What else could you possibly do? Don't act like you know what I'm going through, cheater!" I'm sorry.
That was it. "It was my child too! Do you know how hurt I was to hear the news from the doctor and not from you! Why are you taking this out on me?" He was yelling now, matching her intensity.
"Who got me pregnant in the first place!"
"WELL WHO LOST THE CHILD IN THE FIRST PLACE!"
…Ah, there it is.
Her back straightened at the comment and her eyes welled up, losing her previous fire. She felt her throat constrict and her heart painfully throb. Her mouth opened stupidly like a fish, trying to say something in at moment where she was utterly crumbling.
Slap. Before she could even realize it, her hand had made full on contact with his right cheek. She could clearly see the red imprint as he froze on the left. "Go to hell" was what she could muster to say before she was full on screaming at him to leave.
Recovering from the slap, he looked back at her with what she saw as anger and hurt in his deep cerulean eyes. "Fine." He said before he walked out. This time, it was his turn to slam the door.
Please don't leave me alone.
The wireless customer you are calling is not available at the moment. Please try your call again later.
...not available at the moment. Please try your call again later.
...call again later.
...later.
In the darkness of night, Nene sighed as she pressed the red circle on her phone, hanging up another missed call. It had been four days since he had left the house, and he has been ignoring her ever since. No calls. No texts. Nothing. The empty house further amplified her feelings of regret and loneliness. She missed her daughter's laugh and his voice.
Why didn't you tell me? It was none of your concern. Cheater. It was my child too. Who lost the child in the first place. She replayed the scenes of the past over and over in her mind. Why did I say those things? I didn't mean any of it. I want it to end. All of it. I don't want to be like this anymore. She wanted time to turn back. Go back to before the arguments, and the appointment, and the tests. Before all of it; she wanted a redo.
Please. Please give it back to me. My daughter. My husband. My baby. I'll do anything. I'm sorry.
The bed had grown too cold for Nene, leaving her awake, tossing and turning at night. She fell back on the sheets, dropping her phone on the mattress as well. She bit her lip, trying her best to still her heart while her arm came up to cover her wet eyes.
"Hey, can I talk with you?" She approached him quietly while he continued to fillet the fish on the board.
"I'm busy." He replied, not even sparing her a glance as he focused on his tasks. Deciding that continuously calling him only to be met with voicemail was getting her nowhere, she came to him herself. She knew coming in the middle of the lunch service would have been bad timing, but it was the only break she had. She took her chances, hoping he would be willing to take it too.
"I'll wait till after work." She insisted, following him to the rack where he was grabbing plates.
"I'm going out with the guys after work." Satoshi said blankly, finding the plates and walking straight passed her.
"Well, I-"
"I'm working right now." He interrupted. "You're kind of in the way." She shrunk under his cold stare and venom laced voice. Defeated, she chewed the inside of her cheek to keep her chin from quivering, so much so, she tasted the iron flavor of blood. She closed her eyes and bowed apologetically to his staff and him, before turning away to leave.
A storm raged in his heart while he let her walk out. One part yelled at him to go after her and take her offer to reconcile. He recognized the dark circles under her eyes and dull hue in her pupils for they mirrored his exactly. His chest ached to see her so broken. But, it was the other part that kept him planted. The part still too hurt and bitter to make up.
The wireless customer you are calling is not available at the moment. Please try your call again later.
That night, Nene broke down in the silent darkness of her own house.
She forced herself into her craft; the bland, dry feeling of the buckwheat flour against her fingers and endless working of the dough. She had to. She needed a reason to get up and face the mess that currently was her life.
Exhaustion and fatigue settled into every bone and muscle of her body. Her eyes were a paradox, so incredibly sunken from the sleepless nights but so swollen from the hours of endless crying. She had been driving home after another strenuous day at work. Her hair matted to her forehead while her body was incredibly heavy and sweaty all over.
She was having a difficult time gripping the steering wheel while her head kept lulling from one side to the other. Her eyes had trouble staying open. The faintly lit streets focused and unfocused while the white dotted lines of the road blurred. Ah maybe I should have called a taxi after all.
The world seemed to freeze. Glass shattered and a loud impact.
Nene found herself lying against a rough vinyl pillow of puffed fabric. Feeling a steady stream of blood flowing down the side of her face, pooling on her chin and dripping onto her crushed thighs, she didn't know what was happening. She just wanted it to end. All of it.
As much as he restrained himself from answering her calls or listening to the messages, he always felt a bit of security whenever his phone vibrated in his pocket. So when he realized she hadn't called since the dinner service ended, he couldn't help but feel a bit anxious. Maybe I just didn't feel it go off?
He fished his phone from his jacket and unlocked it, opening up his background of Nagomi and her. He lingered on it, remembering her face when she came to talk. He had regretted how he treated her back then; what was the point of him prolonging this fight when it just made them both feel worse as time went on. He promised to always be there for her, and currently, he wasn't doing a very good job at it.
He scrolled up the list of missed calls from the past week and a half until he settled at the very top. To his surprise it wasn't her name that rested there, but an unknown number from a hour ago. His eyes roamed over the digits, not recognizing the sequence. For some reason, a pit formed in his stomach when he realized they left a message as well.
Hello, this is Arakawa Yumi from The Tokyo Hospital Emergency Services Center. I have Isshiki Satoshi-san listed as Isshiki Nene-san's contact. I'm here to inform you that your wife was involved in a single driver accident and taken here for emergency medical care. This is all the information I can disclose at this time. Please enter through the south entrance upon visitation. Thank you.
"Where is she!" He asked frantically at the front desk; gripping the counter tightly as he breathed heavily and rapidly from the panic.
"Sorry sir, I need you to specify the patient and your relation."
"Isshiki Nene. Maiden name: Kinokuni. I'm her husband." He rattled the information. "Where is she?"
"Isshiki-san, please calm down. It looks like-" the nurse typed and clicked her mouse, "She's on the third floor, room 12. Please-"
"Thanks." That was all he needed to hear before he cut her off and bolted down the hall.
He arrived on the quiet floor above the emergency center. Unlike the maternity ward where the halls were loud with crying babies, it was too silent here. He hated the bright white hospital lights and linoleum floors. It made him sick to know his wife was in such a place so full of death.
Finding her room, he slid the door open. There, he was met with what looked like a small, pale, beaten girl lying in the bed. Far from his glowing and healthy wife. But it was her, no doubt. A bandage was wrapped around her head, holding the gauze placed on her right temple. With her glasses removed, he saw the scratches on her cheeks and nose bridge. Her right leg was slightly raised, exposing a part of the blue cast where the blanket failed to cover. The IV drip rested besides her bed, where he inferred the tube was buried in her right arm beneath the sheets.
He staggered a bit to the bed, eyes wide and unbelieving. Falling on his knees, he clutched her left hand while her eyes remained closed. He didn't like how fragile she looked; how sickly. Nor did he like how cold and limp her hand felt against his.
"Nene." He called hesitantly to her. "Nene." Satoshi repeated, hoping for some answer but got none. His chin quivered and hands shook against her still one. He kissed her knuckles and rested his forehead against her hand. Feeling the cool metal of her silver wedding band against his skin, he wept, calling her name and begging for her to wake up. Please don't leave me. I'm sorry. Please.
"The external injuries aren't that serious." The doctor began as he informed Satoshi, Nene's father, and her mother who was holding a sleeping Nagomi. "She has a fracture in her tibia and a couple of broken ribs. Luckily, none of them punctured her organs, so no internal bleeding. One laceration on her forehead and couple of scratches. She's extremely fatigued, which is what I assume caused the accident in the first place. What I am concerned about is her head. She has a moderate concussion which can be unpredictable. She should be gaining consciousness again in two to three days, although those are estimated times."
Time passed into the early hours of the morning. Satoshi rested his forehead in his hands, leaning forward facing his knees in the hospital chairs. Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay.
"Satoshi-kun." Nene's father called. "We will be leaving." At his voice, Satoshi broke out of his thoughts, quickly standing up to bow deeply.
"Ah there is no need for that. Raise your head please, Satoshi-kun." Her mother interjected.
"You trusted me to protect your daughter and I...I- I'm so, so sorry." His mouth straightened.
"Satoshi-kun, there is no point worrying about it now. Nene is strong. She'll be fine." Satoshi nodded slowly. "I know you two were fighting before this. About what, I'm not sure, it's between the two of you. But know that this isn't your fault, alright?" The older man rested a reassuring hand on the younger's shoulder. "We'll look after Nagomi for now. So take care of yourself, we're leaving Nene to you."
"Yes." He promised.
"Papa?" Nagomi stirred, outstretching her arms to be held. "Where's Mama?" She asked groggily.
"She's sleeping right now."
"Can I see her?'
"In a little bit." His eyes softened. "For now, can you do Papa a big favor and stay at Grandfather's and Grandmother's house for a bit longer?" The little girl nodded lazily against her father's shoulder.
"Good girl." He smiled weakly, kissing her cheek.
He absentmindedly moved his thumb across the back of her hand as he stared at her face, waiting for a movement. He had been frozen in that position for hours; stiff necked and tensed muscles, until the slight vibration of his phone broke him from his daze. He hesitated taking his eyes off of her, afraid she'll vanish if he did. Keeping his left hand on hers, he hesitantly shifted to take his phone out of his pocket. He unlocked it to see who it was from, when the small red dot bearing the number 22 caught his attention.
You have 22 new voicemails. Press 1 to listen. He moved his thumb to the number pad and placed the phone to his ear.
Satoshi. He looked up to her sleeping face at the sound of her voice, wishing it was her saying it and not a recording. Please pick up your phone. Call me back.
You have 21 new voicemails…
Hi, it's me. When are you planning to come back? I need to talk to you. Please call me back.
You have 17 new voicemails…
Have you been busy? Are you getting my calls?
You have 14 new voicemails…
I miss you. Call me back, okay?
You have 11 new voicemails…
I'm sorry. Please, I need to talk to you.
He listened to all of them, feeling his heart twist more and more at the sound of her voice growing more defeated and tired.
You have 1 new voicemail. Press 1 to listen.
Hey. He could hear the hoarseness in her voice, imagining nights of her crying alone. It's me. I really wanted to say this in person but it doesn't seem like that would be possible. I miss you. It's really hard to sleep without you here. I...I just want to say I'm sorry. So, so sorry for everything. I mean it. Her deep sigh was captured in the recording, along with her small sniffles. I'm sorry I kept it from you. It was wrong of me. I'm sorry I took it out on you and Nagomi. I was being such a terrible person. I'm sorry I accused you of cheating. I don't know why I did, I know you would never do that. I'm sorry I yelled and slapped you. You didn't deserve that. I'm- She suddenly paused, her breath quickening and getting caught in her throat. I'm sorry I lost the baby. I'll do better, I promise. He grimaced, biting his lip as her voice cracked in pain. I'm sorry…I'm sorry. He heard her muffled sobs and the phone hitting something soft before the message cut.
You have no new messages.
His arm slackened, dropping his phone to his side. The cords in his neck became taught. He looked at her hand, and then up to her face as tears ran down from his.
God she felt awful. It hurt to move her neck, let alone her body. Her head was throbbing and a chill clung to her, except for her hand. She turned her head slightly and winced at the pain. To her surprise, she saw him sleeping, leaned over in a chair, resting his head in the crook of his elbow on the edge of her bed. His other hand was holding hers. She noted that even in his sleep, his hold was tight. She stared at him a bit more; taking in his calming presence, afraid this was one of her dreams where she'll wake up and he'll be gone. Slowly curling her fingers, she squeezed back weakly, but strong enough to wake him at her movements.
He awoke to her ruby eyes on his. They were tired and hazy but he never thought he had seen a more beautiful color. Sitting up immediately, he yelled: "Nurse! Nurse! She's awake!"
"Satoshi." She whispered. "You're too loud."
"Nene." He called, leaning closer to her. "The doctor is coming, do you need anything?"
"Water."
He quickly grabbed his cup besides her bed, lifting it to her parched lips, careful to not tip too much. Feeling her throat greedily gulp down the water, he relaxed for the first time in days. Thank you, for not not leaving me.
"Alright Isshiki-san, everything seems to be normal. Your cognitive functions are fine, but we will need to do a follow up in a couple of weeks to see if any long term effects exist. Although it seems unlikely. You'll be here a couple more days for your ribs, but you'll be good to go after that. I'll write up your prescription. Get lots of rest." The doctor instructed, checking off the clipboard before exiting.
"Why are you crying?" She asked, turning to him. Her bed had been raised so she could sit up, making it easier on her neck.
"Huh?" He said, unaware of the wetness of his cheeks. "Oh, heh. No reason." He smiled at her.
She laughed slightly into her breath. "You look terrible." He really had. His eyes were puffy and his hair disheveled.
He chuckled. "You're one to talk." He lingered on the sad smile for awhile before she asked what was wrong. "Nene," he started somber.
"Hm?"
"I'm so sorry. No matter how mad I was, I never should have said…" He hesitated. "That." She frowned at the reminder and her chest ached.
"It's fine." She croaked.
"No, it's not! The miscarriage wasn't your fault Nene, do you hear me? I didn't mean it. I'm sorry I left you alone to deal with it. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you were hurting. I-"
"Why are you apologizing?" She cut him off, tears pooling. "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry for not telling you in the first place." The drop fell, and when it did, he was up gently embracing her. She cried quietly into his shoulder while her hand gripped the fabric of his back.
"Don't leave me please." It surprised him to hear his words being repeated back to him.
"Never."
They stayed like this for awhile: him caressing her hair, while she breathed in his scent.
"Satoshi, I'm tired."
He unwilling retreated from her body. "Okay, sleep then."
"Join me?" She pleaded, scooting over. He looked questionably at the bed, unsure whether it could support the both of them. But he couldn't pass up the chance to hold her after being separated for so long. She smiled at him as he awkwardly leaned onto the mattress, positioning himself diagonally with half his legs hanging off. She couldn't rest on her side quite yet, so he extended his arm for her to lay her head on his shoulder while his hand ran up and down her arm. She snuggled closer to him and closed her eyes, content. He turned his head to kiss her forehead.
"I love you."
"Love you too."
#
AN: Man, I really abuse those horizontal lines, don't I? So after I spend like a good week writing a nice, light hearted fanfiction about Nene having a child, I have to write one right after it where she loses one. How terrible of me. Just for the record, I've never dealt with stuff like this, but like many others, I have gone through grief. So to me, this feels pretty genuine and in line with how I know some people deal with it.
Dedicated to Moksu (FF guest) and that one tumblr user (sorry I don't have your named saved) who asked for a heart wrenching fic. Also to Rindou-senpai (FF user) who asked for jealousy (I tried to fit it in…). And to everyone who reads my fics and/or leaves reviews, thank you very much! Enjoy!