Maureen
I stood on the scale, loathing the little black numbers and little pointy arrow thingy, loathing Joanne for making me do the repulsive act of eating…100 pounds at 5'4"? All I can say about myself is…what a friggin' fat ass. All I want is to be perfect, for her. Well, not just for her, there is the gratification of the catcalls and the flirting, but mostly…I don't have anything that makes me worthy of her. I don't have brains, class, style, anything. I can't even keep the darks and lights separate when I try to do the laundry. I can't cook, I can't provide for her, heck, I can't even make her happy or keep her civil most of the time. I just don't want her to hate me. I don't have anything to offer but my looks…and even those aren't a sure-fire hit. I'm weak, and she is force-feeding me lies about true beauty. Bones…bones are beautiful. Bodies with clothes sliding off of them…seeing the true form of a person…that is beauty-- not this disgusting fat that I am drowning in! Doesn't she see how hideous I am? Knowing that I can't be beautiful for her because she can't see what I am trying to do for her, it's ridiculous. I can't believe that she can't understand.
Joanne
I see her there, standing on that scale. She left the door partway open, so I peered in. I was not prepared for what I saw, though I suppose that it shouldn't have come as such a surprise to me, I've seen her preoccupation with food. But what I saw wasn't her trying to purge like I had expected. No, all I saw was a bare, broken woman…warped, and in need of love and support, too thin. She was softly cursing at herself and crying, and I couldn't help my heart breaking. She stepped off of the scale, curling up into a ball, leaning against the wall. How can she think that she is fat? She is beautiful…perfect just the way she is, and everything that I have ever wanted. Despite all of that, she has a disturbing hatred of food, which seems to have worsened as our relationship has progressed.
In the first several weeks that I dated her, she lost a lot of weight…she was probably at about 90 pounds, maybe less. I think one of the reasons that I didn't just run right then was that she seemed to vulnerable, she was looking for comfort from me after April's suicide…I figured that the weight loss was a way to try to make Mark see her, however the boho boys rarely had food anyway. When we got more serious, and I felt more comfortable with her, I started to hound her about eating. She gained back some weight by around November that first year, or so I thought, but then I realized one morning, watching her naked form sleep beside me, that it was just that she was wearing more clothing. I really got on her case, and by Christmas, she had gained back about half of what she had lost.
When I first met her…she was more…. I don't know how to put it…. voluptuous. Honestly, what drew me to her in the first place were her looks. This…starving herself…initially, I didn't think that it was intentional, so I didn't think too much of it, but I know now, especially after what I just witnessed, that without a doubt she thinks that she isn't good enough as she is. I don't know why she has her standards set so high, when from a logical
standpoint, she has everything that she could need or want. She hasn't even been acting out lately. She can't be doing it for me…she has to know that I love her, right?
Maureen
I was startled and practically jumped out of my skin when Joanne gently opened the door. Sitting naked on the floor, I was completely self-conscious and jumped into the shower.
"Don't look at me!" She looked utterly confused. It wasn't like we had never showered together, and we usually had sex at least once a day, so I suppose this must have seemed a little bizarre, but my mask was off. I hadn't yet conjured the sense of self-confidence that I needed. I don't like for people to see that I am insecure. That isn't my persona.
Despite my request, she came after me anyway, and though I tried to keep the shower door shut, I lost the battle. It wasn't unusual for me to lose when Joanne wanted something…it was her apartment, her money. She was too good to me. I didn't deserve her. Granted, sometimes I try to sabotage the relationship, but that is different…that is for her own good. She deserves better than me, just like Mark does. I know eventually I will fault her on something that she couldn't prevent to save her from me, because she won't be able to see for herself that I'm not good for her.
Joanne
If I was concerned about Maureen before she freaked out about me seeing her naked, I was completely and utterly alarmed when she tried to hide herself from me. Even through all of the pain that she had endured, all of the times that she had come to me for advice before, every little panic attack that happened every now and again, I had never seen her this broken before. I crawled into the tub with her, wrapping my arms around her frail, thin body, alarmed at the way that I could feel her ribs through her skin. I didn't tend to pay overly much attention to this factor when being intimate with her, but I couldn't understand it. She spoke to me softly.
"What are you doing? How can you stand to touch me? I'm hideous!" I sighed.
"Maureen, you are too thin. Why are you doing this to yourself? You were beautiful the way that you were when we first met! I fell for the way that you looked then, I thought that you were perfect that way!" She glared at me with hatred.
"You're lying, Miss Ivy League! You just want me to be fat and ugly so that I will stay with you and you will still be better than me!" This outburst pierced deep into my heart, and in the moment of shock that ensued, she broke free of my grip and ran away. By the time that I had recovered, she had thrown a trench coat and boots on hastily and run out the door. I called Mark immediately.