So in the absensens of Scandal on my TV screen I re-watched some of the old episodes and I always stop at this scen from 2x01. It holds so much despite not much said.

I do hope you like it!

The wine was swirling through her veins, warming her up from the inside. It was supposed to have a calming effect on her and give her the relaxing evening she so desperately needed. But tonight it did absolutely nothing, except from giving her light buzz and making her head a little fuzzy. Normally it would make her smile and lull her into a peaceful sleep, but tonight her head was so full there was no way in hell her eyes would even close. They were fixed on her living room TV-screen instead, watching the news she helped create.

At the time it seemed like the right thing to do, like the only thing to do. But now? God, how stupid was she?! She helped ruin the only happiness she had in her life, the only thing that got her out of bed in the morning. The only thing she had to look forward to despite how much she fought it. Happiness was an unknown concept to her and her entire family, it was disrupted by tragedy that tore them apart. Olivia Pope never got her own happiness, she slaved so that everyone else could. She worked to help other people fix their problems and their mistakes, only so that they could have a little normal in a troubled world.

It was not the first time and it was not the second time she watched it but the third time. She kept torturing herself over and over again, forcing herself to look at it while laughing inside and mocking herself for her stupidity. Then she drank more wine hoping it would help erase some of it only to get a bigger buzz and a fuzzier head.

She watched with a big knot in her stomach as Kimberly Mitchell announced the sex of America's baby to the world and the expecting parents, then she listened to Mellie ramble about how happy she was. She was so distracted by her own self misery that she didn't even bother to think about who was on the phone before she picked it up. Assuming that it was just work, which was a welcomed distraction. Never did she think it would be him, they had not talked since she got him to get his wife pregnant.

"What?" She answered sharply, ready for anything.

"It's me." His low voice came out of the phone, making her heart speed up in no time. Quickly she muted the video but she did not stop watching and she did not say anything either. It was irresponsible for him to call her just like that, especially now that he and his wife had just showed of their new baby. "Hello..? Hello? Liv, it's a secure line."

"Hello."
"Hello. Hi."
"Hi." At their normal greeting, that one word that held so much power over her, she had to swallow a big lump before she said what she was about to. "You can't be calling me."
"You don't think that I know that? I can't call you, I can't talk to you, I can't see you. We can't do this." She could hear the sadness or was it longing in is voice and she understood perfectly how he felt. It was how she felt every time she saw him at a function next to his wife and she had to act as if she barely knew him, like what they had did not exist. When she had to deny their existence like what they had was nothing. It hurt, it really did. It got harder and harder to deal with.

She asked him to pretend he hated her and hang up the phone because she knew she would not be able to do it herself and she could not speak to him, she would break and cave in if she did. They laughed together at her pathetic evening, watching the news on rerun. Then they proceeded to talk about their day as if they were any other couple, lying in bed after a long day and finally relaxing with the one they love. It was comforting and it made her forgot for a second who they were, the president and the fixer. At that moment it was just Fitz and Livie, sucking up the other's comfort to gather the strength they need to keep going.

She pushes him and build up his confidence and determination, because she believes in him and she wants him to succeed and do good as he was destined to do. She doesn't involve her own insecurities or emotions because this is what you have to do for the people you care about, you make sacrifices. And right now that sacrifice is her.

"I hate you." She knew exactly what it meant. He was using her own words against her but somehow those words was so much easier to say then the once they really meant.

"I hate you too." It was the words that scared her. Because once they were out there was no turning back and then she would have broken down all of her walls, which made her so much more vulnerable and open for hurt. And in this relationship there was no happy ending for her, someone would eventually get hurt in the end. It was destined to fail and no matter how much he tried to deny it she knew, she had always been the realistic one. Until they were both free of their shackles they could not be together and stay together, happy.

When he said good night after a long silence she could not find the words the respond, she waved slightly and smiled while trying to hold back the tears, even though she knew he could not see her. And then she hung up the phone and gulped up the rest of the wine in her glass, curling up tighter on the sofa. Definitely no sleep tonight.