THE MASTURBATION SITUATION
Ren had a package through the postbox. AT LAST! It's a DVD of an adult film called "Mating Season" starring his favourite actress Olivia Wildcat. He was now going to watch it and do the nasty. But he needed Stimpy to get out of the house. He was not going to do it with that cat in the same house he was in. So, he kicked Stimpy out of the house and ordered him to do the shopping. Stimpy drove away in his car to the grocery shop.
Ren went up to his bedroom, closed the curtains, put the DVD on, got to a sexy scene, reached his hand downstairs and...
The phone rang.
"Grr!" Ren growled.
He went downstairs to the lounge where the phone was. He answered it. There was an old woman's voice on the other end.
"Hello, is this the Water Service?" she asked.
"No." said Ren. "You've got the wrong number."
"Oh, sorry about that." the old woman said. "Bye."
She hung up and Ren went back upstairs to start doing the business.
But then, the door bell rang.
"Grrrrrrrrrr!" growled Ren.
He ran downstairs and answered the door. It was Jehovah's Witnesses. They bragged on and on and on to Ren about the good Lord and the very best of Christianity.
Ren kept on telling them "I don't care. Go away!"
But they wouldn't budge. Until, Ren grabbed one of them by the collar and said to him in a very threatening voice:
"If you don't go away... I WILL KILL YOU!"
This made the Jehovah's Witnesses very frightened. They ran away in terror.
Ren ran back upstairs. He began to do the business and then the phone rang again.
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" growled Ren as he stormed downstairs and answered the phone.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, is this the Water Service?"
It was the same woman from earlier.
"No, ma'am. This isn't the Water Service. You've got the wrong number." said Ren.
"Oh sorry about that." said the old woman. "Bye."
She hung up and Ren ran back upstairs.
Ren was about to reach his hand downstairs again, until the sound of drilling outside put him right off. He opened the window and saw that there were two work men drilling a pavement.
"Hey, I'm trying to watch a movie in here!" shouted Ren.
"Sorry, but we have to get this done today. Orders." said one of the workmen.
"Can you give me the number of your company?" asked Ren.
The workmen gave Ren the company's number. Ren dialled the number on the phone and got in touch with the head of the company. Ren suggested to him that they should drill the pavement tomorrow, because if they don't, he would go to the company and shoot them all with a shotgun. So, the workmen got ordered to go away, much to Ren's relief.
All quiet. It was just Ren and Olivia Wildcat. Ren sat on the chair, looked at the sexy scene on the TV and reached his hand down his...
The door bell rang again. Ren howled with frustration. He zoomed downstairs like Sonic The Hedgehog and opened the door. It was a man selling the latest vacuum cleaner. Ren said he wasn't interested and slammed the door on his face. The phone rang AGAIN! Ren answered it.
"Hello, is this the Water Service?" asked the woman from the other end.
"NO!" yelled Ren as he slammed the phone down.
Ren ran upstairs, sat down, reached his hand down... the doorbell rang AGAIN!
Ren screamed with rage and pulled his hair out. Well, his fur from his head. He ran downstairs and opened the door. It was the Jehovah's Witnesses again, only this time, they're joined by a cop. The Jehovah's Witnesses told the cop that Ren threatened to kill them. The cop asked Ren was this true.
Ren tried to explain, but then the phone rang AGAIN!
Ren picked it up and screamed into it "NO! THIS ISN'T THE WATER SERVICE!"
He slammed the phone down.
To add insult to injury, the workmen from earlier brought their boss with them. The boss told the cop that Ren threatened to kill them if they didn't do what he requested. To add even more insult to injury, the annoying salesman was back because Ren didn't finish listening to what he had to say.
Everyone at the doorstep was all talking at once and Ren just couldn't take it anymore. He screamed to the top of his lungs and breathed fire like a dragon over their heads. He had red eyes and razor-sharp teeth.
"RIGHT! THAT'S IT!" he screamed.
His hand turned into a giant's hand. He grabbed everybody from his doorstep and brought them all into the house. Oh, they were going to get it.
The phone rang and it was...
"Excuse me, is this the Water Service?"
Ren reached his hand into the speaker of the phone and pulled out the old woman from the other end.
"Why yes, ma'am. This is the Water Service." he said as he kindly brought the woman into the living room with the other guests.
All of them got tied to a sofa. The curtains got shut and Ren had the DVD of "Mating Season" on the TV. He got on the sexy scene he wanted to show them. He looked his poor victims with an evil smile.
"I'm going to masturbate. AND YOU'RE ALL GOING TO WATCH!" He screamed.
He reached his hand down his crotch and started getting down to the business. The prisoners looked away in horror. Ren laughed evilly as he went on and on and on and then...
From outside the house, the sound of an explosion followed by a loud splattering noise came from inside. Stimpy arrived home in his car with the groceries. He brought the bags to the house. As he opened the door, he noticed that the lounge was all covered with strange white, sticky liquid all over the walls and floor.
Stimpy walked into the living room and saw that the walls, floor, people tied to the sofa and Ren were also covered in this strange white, sticky liquid. Ren was smoking a cigarette.
"What happened in here, Ren?" asked Stimpy.
Ren answered "Wouldn't you like to know, Stimpy. Wouldn't you like to know." as he grinned evilly smoking his cigarette.
The people tied to the sofa all looked at other.
One of the Jehovah's Witnesses asked everyone "Was it good for you?"
Everyone answered "Yeah. It was alright."
"I loved it." said the old woman.
THE END
The old woman calling for the water service is based on a true story.
When I was 10 years old, a woman called our house about 5 or 6 times asking if we were the water service. It drove my family mad.
So, when she rang the seventh time, I answered it.
The woman asked "Excuse me, is this the water service?"
And being the typical 10 year old I was, I said "NO! NOW FUCK OFF!" and slammed the phone down.
She never called again.