Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight… not me :(

Summary: Isabella Swan has experienced the loss of those closest to her. She has managed to put the pieces of her life back together but what will happen when she is forced to face her demons? Is she better off surviving alone or is there a chance she can learn to thrive again?

Chapter 1

Panic.

The rush of adrenaline shoots though my body faster than consciousness seeps into my still sleepy brain. My body is drenched in sweat and tremors sweep through me in wave after wave.

I blink my eyes and try to focus on my alarm clock- it's 12:45 am, I've been asleep for just over an hour. I try to identify the cause of my sudden midnight anxiety attack when I hear the phone ring. Yeah, that would do it.

I stumble toward the cell phone I left in my jeans last night. Getting my hand to grip the phone with my shaking hand is difficult and I struggle to get it out of my pocket.

Why would anyone call this late at night? It can't be work, we're not even open at night. Mom and Dad hardly call at all, let alone at night. Unless it's an emergency, an accident, some horrible catastrophic event that has wiped out everyone I know, everyone I love.

Scenes of giant earthquakes ripping through downtown Seattle, finally bringing down the Alaska Way Viaduct, flash behind my eyelids as my thoughts become more and more frantic. My breathing picks up and I am afraid I will start to hyperventilate if I don't calm down.

This is why I usually turn off my phone before I go to bed. You can't get late night phone calls if your phone is turned off. My therapist Kate calls this an avoidance tactic; I call it a attempting to get a full night sleep. She's been encouraging me to face this particular fear for at least 2 years now, assuring me that I could in fact be rational and wait to hear the cause of the call before reacting. Well, I suppose I should get some satisfaction out of being right. That knowledge however is not satisfying.

I look at the face of my iPhone. It's Alice. I accept the call, but can't bring myself to say hello.

"Isabella Swan, I can hear you breathing you know! Don't you even say hello anymore?" Alice chirps into the phone. "I'm outside your apartment so buzz me up!"

"What… Alice…" I force a response, I have to know why she's here. I hold my breath waiting for her answer, the sweat dripping down my chest.

Silence.

"Oh, Bella." Alice is sighs, all of her previous happiness buried under the terror she obviously hears in my voice.

"Were you asleep? I didn't think. Everything is fine. Everything is great. I just… I should have waited until the morning. I didn't realize how late it was. I'm sorry, I really wasn't thinking."

I let out a sigh of relief. Everything is fine… apparently things can even be considered great. No one is hurt. No one is hurt. There haven't been any accidents.

No one I love is hurt, I repeat this in my head trying to ease the tension gripping my heart. I correct myself, no one else. I push away that reminder and focus on my mantra that nothing is wrong as I buzz my best friend up wrapping my favorite purple robe tighter around my pounding ribs.

I open the door just as Alice is raising her hand to knock. She grabs me in a hug, practically lifting me off the ground. An impressive feat since she is a solid 3 inches shorter than me.

"Oh babe, I am so sorry. I just got a call from my mom and her and dad are going to visit my grandma back east for a few weeks. She wanted to know if we would house sit again and I got carried away thinking about how much fun we had last time. And I didn't realize how long I wasn't talking to her or that you had gone to bed. I mean usually you're up until at least 12:30. But this is all my fault. It really could have waited. I really should have waited. I'm so sorry."

Alice looks so remorseful and she is running her eyes over me to appraise the extent of my obvious distress.

I know she feels responsible for waking me up, but I am the one who is responsible here. Who freaks out at a phone call? Alice was excited and wanted to share it with me. This should not send me into hysterics… especially not after 6 years, I criticize myself.

Isn't this what all the therapy is supposed to fix? I take a deep breath and focus on slowing my heart down. Counting down from ten as I slowly breathe out.

Alice walks me over to my overstuffed loveseat and pulls me down next to her. I put my head on my friend's shoulder and feel the tension in my own shoulders begin to ease.

"It's really ok, Alice." I say, chastened after my attack. "That will be awesome to stay at your folk's place again. When will they be gone? You know, we could even invite Jasper to come out on the lake sometime."

I try to sound excited, and really it shouldn't be so hard, the Brandon's have a small mansion right on Lake Washington and staying there is like going to a resort, but my panic attack hasn't fully let up yet and already I am feeling exhausted.

"Babe, I didn't realize it was still this bad. You haven't had an attack in a while." Alice says, wrapping her arm around shoulders and rubbing my back.

This is not entirely true. A close encounter with a delivery van caused a similar reaction when I was driving home from visiting my parents two weeks ago.

I had been forced to pull off the road and it took over 30 minutes before I could drive again, I just hadn't wanted to draw attention to the fact that I am still pathetically letting my fears rule my life.

I did make an appointment with Kate when I got back to Seattle though, so it wasn't as if I was completely denying the issue.

"I know Al, I just forgot to turn off my phone and you surprised me. That's all. I'll be fine, ok?" I implored her with my eyes to drop it.

"Let's get you back to bed," Alice finally relented after sweeping her eyes closely over me again. "Mind if I stay the night?"

She knows how hard it would be for me to get back to sleep and I know she's only offering to stay for my sake. I'm positive she wants to get home to her recently cohabitating boyfriend Jasper but I can't find it in me to refuse the comfort her presence will afford me.

I just nod and lend her some sweats to sleep in. We crawl into my bed like we used to freshman year when we first shared a room at the U.

Even then, Alice knew exactly what I needed and try as I might to push her away, Alice always pushed harder and finally broke through the walls I had surrounded myself with. She remains the only person, well aside from Kate, that knows how much I still struggle with my past. I'm sure she's shared some with Jasper but he's too much of a gentleman to ever mention it to me.

I turn out the lamp and lay back onto my pillow. Alice grabs my hand and I am, once again, so grateful for her friendship.

"Night Bella"

"Night Alice… thank you."

I listen her to breathing even out as she falls asleep. I don't begrudge her the ease at which she can relax. Alice has seen me through many panic attacks and late nights spent crying into the darkness.

I know however that it will be hours before I will be able to get back to sleep. I focus on Alice's breathing but the memories bombard me anyway.

My eyes are drawn to the frame on my dresser. I can't see the photo inside it in the darkened room but I have it memorized anyway. It's from my 18th birthday. Emmett and I wanted to spend the day at the ocean and in the photo I'm sandwiched between he and Edward, the three of us covered in sand and smiling so wide you can practically feel the happiness of the moment captured in the picture.

My heart clenches. Now I've lost them both. Not in the same way, but lost to me nonetheless.

I turn to my side and try not to wake up Alice with my tears.

A/N- Well what do you think? This is a first for me so I hope someone finds this remotely interesting! I am several chapters ahead and plan to update at least once a week. Thanks- Rae