Hello again! It seems I'm back already from my "break." This story idea came to me while watching Shohei Imamura's 1961 film Pigs and Battleships. Amidst a truly silly cast and setting, my favorite character was a high-ranking member of the Yakuza that happens to be a hypochondriac. Chapters 2 and 4 of this work will be more directly inspired by this film than the others, but they all have the same main idea: humor based on imagined illnesses and misguided self-diagnosis.
As I mentioned earlier this will be one of my shorter stories (probably about five or six chapters), but if you enjoy what you read here then buckle in, it's only going to get more ridiculous!
A pitiful voice became audible as Ruby entered the room, closing the door softly behind her. "Ruby. . . Ruby," Weiss gasped out weakly. Ruby rushed to the bedside and took her wife's hand gently between both of hers, feeling for Weiss's pulse. A heartrate monitor beeped steadily in the background.
"What is it Weiss, what's wrong?"
"Ruby," Weiss struggled to get the words out, her breath coming in gasps, "I'm dying. I don't have much time left. I need you to-" a coughing fit broke off her words.
"Weiss? Weiss!" She went to put a hand to Weiss's forehead but it was slapped away before she could make contact and check for a fever.
"Ruby, I need you to open the safe once I'm gone. You know the combination. You'll find. . . everything you need to live comfortably inside. Just promise me you'll remember the happy times we had together." Her feeble voice trailed off, her rasping breaths and the heartrate monitor the only sounds in the room.
Ruby finally managed to get her palm onto Weiss's forehead despite her wife's protests, but then pulled it away immediately, shocked by what she had felt.
Weiss's forehead had been. . . cold? Not alarmingly so, but it had been the temperature she'd expect any completely healthy person's forehead to be. Ruby frowned at this revelation, staring at her hand in shock. "Sweetie, I don't understand, you look perfectly healthy to me."
Ruby gave her a quick once-over, and, finding nothing of concern, pulled the blankets from Weiss's body to peer at her form for any signs of injury or telltale marks.
"H-hey!" Weiss snapped, sitting up at lightning speed and gathering the covers to her chest with a radiant blush. "I'm not wearing any clothes!"
A knowing smile curved the corner of Ruby's mouth. "Weiss, we're married. It's a bit too late to be modest. And more to the point, you're awfully chipper for somebody who is apparently on death's door."
Weiss's eyes widened, followed by her letting all of the tension out from her spine. She flopped back onto the bed, her pale form a would-be near-perfect imitation of a sickly person. "I don't have much time left, Ruby. My head hurts."
"Your. . . head hurts? What else is there?"
". . . That's it."
Ruby sighed, her tone resembling something akin to fond exasperation. "Weiss. You have a headache. Take a painkiller or two and try to get some sleep, you'll feel better in the morning."
After giving Weiss a loving pat on the shoulder she turned away and began undressing in preparation for sleep. Halfway undressed, she felt an insistent tug on her combat pants.
"No, Ruby, you don't understand," Weiss pleaded. "I'm dying."
"I can almost guarantee that you're one-hundred percent okay," Rub countered with a giggle, tossing her shirt into the laundry basket across the room. "And if you're sick, I'll cuddle you back to health." Ruby paused thoughtfully, scratching her head. "By the way, what's that beeping noise? Did you really bring an EKG in here?"
Weiss hesitated before answering. "Well, no. Velvet wouldn't let me borrow another one, so I used my scroll."
You mean Velvet prevented you from stealing another one?"
"I was going to give it back!" she shot back indignantly, sitting up again. Her words were lost on Ruby, who had entered their shared bathroom to brush her teeth. She emerged a few minutes later with a glass of water and a small pill in her hand.
"Here, take this and you'll feel better."
"I don't want to, they taste bad," Weiss pouted, looking away. "Besides, I don't think one pill is enough to stop this pain."
Ruby placed her hand on Weiss's cheek, turning her face gently back. "You'll feel better when you do. I promise. And once you take it, I'll come to bed as well."
Weiss screwed up her features, as if carefully judging the pros and cons of taking the small pill. "Well. . . I don't want to keep you from sleeping," she admitted, a hint of a blush tingeing her cheeks. She allowed Ruby to feed her the painkiller, swallowing the bitter taste with a gulp of water. She finished the rest of the water as well at Ruby's insistence that she needed to drink more to prevent headaches in the first place.
This time when Ruby lifted the covers to get into bed Weiss didn't pull them back. Ruby took her time situating herself, turning over multiple times in discomfort before eventually turning to face Weiss. "Weiss, sweetie, do you mind turning your scroll off? We should be getting some rest."
Just the thought scared Weiss. "B-but then how will I know if something bad happens?"
"Because I'm here with you. And I'll never let you get hurt, okay?"
Weiss gasped when Ruby pulled her across the bed with minimal effort, enveloping her in a warm embrace, their legs tangling together. Even though they slept together every night, she always forgot just how warm Ruby always was.
"I'll hold you all night, okay? So don't worry," Ruby reassured her, snuggling her face into the crook of Weiss's neck. Her breath ran over Weiss's collarbone, raising goosebumps. "I love you Weiss. Sleep well."
She couldn't help but smile at her wife, draping an arm over her side. "I love you too, Ruby."
Enveloped in Ruby's warm aura, it was only minutes before her breathing evened and she fell into a deep sleep.
Ruby woke up as the first light of day began streaming through her bay window. She turned over and sighed happily, cuddling closer to her lovely wife. At least, that had been her intention. Instead she kept reaching, until she opened her eyes in confusion to search for Weiss. Where she had previously been, only an empty stretch of bed remained.
"Weiss?" she called out sleepily, yawning. "You awake?"
When no telltale sound greeted her back, she sat up in the bed, frowning. Weiss isn't the type to make breakfast in bed, we've had Klein for that sort of thing. And Weiss never wakes up before me which can only mean. . . "Oh no."
Ruby dashed from the bed and grabbed her scroll from the dresser, clicking it on.
"Oh damn," she breathed, sitting down heavily on the floor. A blinking icon greeted her, flashing with a notification that indicated she had no fewer than thirty-five missed calls. She thumbed through them, confirming what she had feared to be the case. Each missed call was from Velvet Scarlatina, the nurse at the private Schnee hospital that handled all the Mafia-related injuries and healthcare concerns.
Ruby tried calling Velvet but was sent immediately to the messaging machine. She waited for the tone to begin. "Uhh, hi Velvet. I saw you called. . . thirty-five times, so I'm trying to see what's up?"
She mentally cursed herself for being so bad at leaving messages; she was much more the letter writing type. As she spoke, she looked out the window to look over the driveway. "So I'm going to assume this is Weiss-related, and since I don't see any police cars outside, I'll guess it's a non-emergency? Well, Klein would've woken me up if it were, I suppose. . . Anyway, I'll get over there as fast as I can. Sorry for the trouble, Velvs!"
As she got dressed, she put in a call to Klein. The true paragon of a butler, he picked up on the first ring. "Good morning Miss Rose, what can I do for you?"
"Ahh hi, good morning Klein! I was wondering if you've seen Weiss this morning? She's not here. . ."
"Hmm, another disappearance then?" Ruby nodded her head in response, forgetting that he couldn't see the gesture. "Well then, I'd suggest checking your scroll for any text messages she might've left. Forgive me for saying this about my mistress, but she can be quite the dramatic type on occasion."
"That's true," Ruby laughed in agreement. "Thanks Klein, I don't think you should worry too much about this. I'll find her and bring her home!"
"Then I'll leave this in your capable hands, Miss Rose."
Knowing that Klein always waited ten seconds after a conversation to hang up, Ruby ended the call immediately so as not to waste his time. Finishing her outfit for the day with a light jacket, she darted from the room and ran through the hallways of the mansion that they called home, checking her scroll for a message. Sure enough Klein had been right, Ruby found a text message from Weiss which had been buried under the missed call notifications from Velvet.
Dear Ruby, as you heard last night, my health is declining rapidly. I'm sorry for leaving so abruptly, but I didn't want to risk waking you; you looked so peaceful in your slumber. On account of my head, I'm checking myself in at the Schnee Hospital Emergency Ward immediately.
If I don't make it back, I need you to know that I love you more than anything, and I'll always be there for you, even in spirit form. Should the gods see fit, I may take my leave of Remnant this night. Let it be known that I didn't fight fate, and your name and my declaration of love for you were the last words that passed from my lips.
The time on the message read four-thirty in the morning, meaning Weiss had been gone for about three hours.
Ruby sighed as she laced up her boots, pocketing her scroll. Dramatic indeed. Klein has Weiss figured out to a Tee. Her sigh turned into a laugh as she entered the garage and jumped into her personal car, a remarkably boring vehicle considering the rest of the sports cars that lined the garage. Old and boring perhaps, but Ruby had grown up with this one and had poured hours of work into the engine and body. At least I've got an interesting day ahead of me!
The drive to the Schnee Hospital normally took a mere fifteen minutes, but the morning rush of traffic nearly doubled that time. By the time she finally arrived and parked in a VIP parking spot Ruby was tapping her feet impatiently, itching to get to the bottom of. . . whatever had happened. She still wasn't completely sure.
If she had to guess, Weiss had woken up in the middle of the night with a newly returned headache and had therefore once again extrapolated that she was dying. Without alerting anybody, she had left and checked herself into the hospital. At least I know where she is this time.
The glass doors slid open smoothly to admit Ruby, who strode through them swiftly. The receptionist at the desk looked up at the sound of Ruby's boots on the marble floor. "Hello Miss, how can I-oh! Miss Rose, forgive me for not recognizing you sooner!"
Ruby waved her hand to dismiss the worry on the receptionist's face, "No worries! I'm here to pick up Weiss, is she here?" The receptionist took a moment to check a register of patients on her computer.
"She is, it looks like she checked herself in at. . . four forty-five this morning?" Ruby groaned, bringing a palm to her face.
"Yep, that's her. What room is she in?"
The receptionist pointed her to the correct wing, leaving Ruby to bolt up the stairs at high speed. While she wasn't truly worried about Weiss, hospitals had always made her nervous, something about the bright white lights and the sterility of the environment felt alien to her. She nearly crashed into a medical cart on her way, careening sideways into a wall just in time to miss it.
Fewer than sixty seconds from when she had left the front desk, Ruby burst into the room her eyes immediately searching out Weiss. Weiss lay prone on a hospital bed, leaning back in a restful thirty degree tilt. A small medical clamp was attached to her finger. She opened her eyes as Ruby entered, widening them in surprise.
"Ruby?"
"Ah, Ruby," echoed a second voice which belonged to Velvet Scarlatina, who swiveled on her stool to face her, "I was wondering when you would get here." Velvet had dark rings under her eyes and her rabbit ears drooped with fatigue. Her normally cheerful demeanor would evidently be taking a backseat for today's conversation.
"I'm sorry I missed your calls Velvs!" Ruby burst out, bowing her head. "Normally I would've woken up, but I hadn't slept in more than forty hours, and -
"It's okay Ruby," Velvet cut her off. She swiveled again to regard Weiss. "I was surprised when Weiss showed up saying that she was about to die, but I'm glad it was me who was here for it. I'm not sure if the other nurses know Weiss's personality well enough to deal with- take care of her." She coughed to cover up her misstep.
"I'm really sorry we caused you trouble!" Ruby bowed her head again, this time in gratefulness.
"That's why I'm here," Velvet laughed, her smile not reaching her eyes. Truly, she looked as if she was ready to nod off at any moment.
"Hey! Stop talking about me like I'm not here!" Weiss finally burst out, evidently tired of being ignored. "I legitimately thought I was dying you know!" Ruby and Velvet exchanged a glance.
"Well?" Ruby began.
"She's fine," Velvet answered immediately. "Slightly dehydrated maybe, she just needs to drink more water."
"What did I just say!" Weiss blurted out.
"Sorry," Velvet apologized, turning to face her, "You need to drink more water, Weiss Schnee."
"Speaking of, why didn't you wake me up?" Ruby asked, taking a seat on the bed near Weiss's feet. "If you were this serious I would've driven you here. And if not me, why didn't you ask Klein for a ride?"
Weiss looked bashfully at the covers, suddenly taking great interest in the fabric. "I didn't want to disturb your respective sleep schedules with my issue."
Ruby rolled her eyes good-naturedly, taking her wife's hand. "Weiss, were married. Your problems are my problems."
"I know," Weiss acknowledged quietly.
"As for Klein, try to give him a little credit," Ruby added, patting Weiss's hand, "if you don't let him dote on you from time to time, how will he feel useful?"
Velvet interrupted them by jumping from her stool, removing hanging up her white scrub jacket. "Well, I'm going to head home for the day. I want to catch a few hours of sleep before Coco gets home from Atlas."
"Say hi to her from us!" Ruby called out before Velvet closed the door behind her, leaving Ruby and Weiss alone in the hospital room.
A pair of arms encircled her, Weiss dragged Ruby down to the hospital bed in a tight embrace.
"I'm sorry I made you worry, Ruby."
"That's okay Weiss, I'm not mad. But. . . maybe next time you can wake me up?"
Weiss nodded, her chin stirring the fabric of Ruby's shirt. "I promise."
"Thank you. Come on Weiss, let's get you home, and then we can make breakfast!" Ruby suddenly said with renewed energy, pulling Weiss gently from the bed. Weiss still wore her nightgown from last night, so Ruby removed her signature red and black jacket, draping it over Weiss's slight shoulders.
"You know," Weiss began thoughtfully, allowing herself to be led down the hospital hallway, "maybe we should let Klein make it for us. I haven't let him dote on me for a while."
"Oh that's a great idea!" Ruby squealed happily, gripping Weiss's hand tighter. "Do you think he'll make me chocolate chip cookies?"
Weiss gasped in mock horror. "Cookies? For breakfast?"
"Please?" Ruby begged, turning to her to take her other hand. "I won't spill them on the floor this time!"
"Well, I suppose so," Weiss relented, unable to say no to the force that was Ruby's puppy-dog eyes. "But you have to share!"
She smiled even as the air was crushed from her lungs by Ruby's hug.
"I love you Weiss!"
"Love you too, Ruby. Do you want to drive, or shall I?"
"I'll drive," Ruby answered, procuring and spinning the keys around her finger. She shot Weiss a sly grin over the roof of the car. "After all, you got a lot less sleep than I did."
"I'll sleep when I'm dead," Weiss muttered under her breath.
"I thought you were dying last night?"
"Shut up!" Weiss called back, smiling as Ruby began to cackle. Their hands found each other's in the car, and Ruby drove from the hospital, making for their home.