Spring is the worst time of year. The weather is a bipolar, hormonal teenager, much like myself, seeking to ruin our lives for no discernible reason. Cold crisp mornings followed by sweltering afternoons baking in the sun with no hope for respite. Even worse, everything is covered in vile yellow powder and the hope for cleansing rain dies with the cloudless sky.
I would not call myself an outdoorsman seeing as I hardly ever go outside but when duty calls, what do you do? Not that Dean is my duty per se but when he calls, I can't help but come running. It's been that way since we were 5 years old: inseparable. Dean is my rock. From the first time he "saved" me from bullies on the playground in kindergarten, I've felt like I owe him everything.
Dean has always been my defender and as much as I act like I can't stand his overprotectiveness, I actually crave the attention. Which I know is pathetic but he is the only person that has ever stood up for me. Dean and I are now juniors in high school but he is still playing the role of loyal defender and best friend. We are literally inseparable.
My entire life I have felt invisible but then Dean came along and changed everything. Ever since that fateful day on the playground all those years ago, I have felt like someone sees me: the real me. I've always admired those who stick up for the little guy, it's just that I didn't truly at that moment grasp how much that seemingly insignificant moment meant to me. It changed my life.
There I was being pelted with rocks on the playground when Dean showed up in all his effortless bravado, even at such a young age. "Hey, leave him alone! Pick on someone your own size!" Dean threatened. I'll never forget Dean belting this cliche to those now faceless stereotypical schoolyard bullies. What always stood out the most for me was not what he said but how he said it. So sure of himself and with such confidence I could only dream of possessing. Next thing I know he is helping me to my feet. Embarrassed beyond belief, I could hardly stammer a "thank you."
"Don't worry about it" Dean said. "I can't stand bullies. Name's Dean by the way, what about you?"
At that moment, looking deep into the mesmerizing hazel eyes of my knight in shining armor, I was utterly speechless. Granted I'm hardly ever at a loss for words but something about this boy took all the sense out of me.
"Sam. My name's Sam" I uttered almost breathlessly.
"Well nice to meet ya Sammy" he said. I barely heard him over the sound of the bell that meant our time together had tragically come to an end. Before I could reply with "it's just Sam," Dean sprinted to the door reassuring me over his shoulder that he would see me later. I stood up, still in shock, dusted myself off and awkwardly limped back to class. While most people would have seen this encounter as trivial at best, it turned out to be one of those moments you look back on later in life and realize just how life-altering it truly was.
Fast forward to spring of our junior year of high school and Dean has just asked me to go camping with him this weekend, despite knowing about my philosophy that we humans invented the "inside" so that we no longer have to go "outside." However, like I said, Dean says jump, and I'm already in the air. I mean it could be worse because I still get to spend quality time with my favorite person in the entire world. What's the worst that could happen, right?
"I promise you're gonna love camping, Sammy" Dean whispered to me behind his biology book in the back row of Mr. Crowe's sweltering classroom. Even in the dingy, yellow-tinged haze of our cramped classroom, Dean looked brilliant.
"Sure, just like you said I'd love sushi" I jabbed lightly. That's another thing about Dean, he thinks everything in the world is delightful and brilliant. We call those odd creatures: optimists. I on the other hand find very few things in this miserable life "delightful." One of those being the blithering idiot sitting beside me. I wouldn't' say I'm a pessimist, just a realist because reality always has a way of sapping the pleasantness out of the most enjoyable situations.
Life sucks. Which is why I find people like Dean so fascinating. He's one of those people I'm infinitely jealous of because he can always spot the bright side of things even amidst a deluge. I still have no idea how he puts up with me and my worldview given his perpetual sunny disposition and positive attitude but I'm not complaining. I guess opposites do attract, and Dean and I couldn't be more different if we tried.
I try my hardest to pay attention to Mr. Crowe's lecture on prokaryotes but all I can think about is this camping trip and how I'm going to survive. I guess it's my fault that I got suckered into this trip but how could I tell Dean no? I just didn't have the heart because he has been so excited about it since he brought the idea up two weeks ago while we were watching a movie. Which is how we spend most of our Friday nights.
We were watching a horror movie, our favorite, even though we are both big babies, about a killer on the loose at an idyllic summer camp. I hated it but Dean loved it and has not stopped talking about going camping since. So half to shut him up and half out of curiosity, I agreed to go with him. Living in the heart of Appalachia, there are plenty of ideal camping spots close by so I let Dean take care of all the planning details. I'll show up with my jeep and snacks, but for the most part I'm counting on Dean to figure out the whole surviving in the woods for the weekend thing.
While contemplating the best snacks to pack, the bell rang and the mass exodus began as a sea of disgruntled, tired teens escaped the gray prison of Stonewall High. Dean and I walked side by side to the student parking lot towards my little red jeep in a silent afternoon daze. That was yet another thing I loved about Dean: silent moments with him were free of the awkwardness one often attributes to moments of silence these days. I could literally sit in silence with Dean and never feel the least bit tense or awkward, which I could not say about anyone else.
As soon as the car was running I cranked up the air while Dean cranked up the tunes. He always played DJ when I drove which I didn't mind because his music taste was just as eclectic as mine. Dean would never admit it but he loved to sing and there was nothing more satisfying than watching him get caught up in the moment and belting out a song he loved. Every time he opened his mouth and I heard that deep gravelly voice emit its tantalizing sound my heart fluttered making me contemplate whether I was dying or actually that pathetic. Probably both.
The ride home is short but pleasant given my present company. Dean comes home with me then walks home because he lives right behind me. I've always hated living in suburbia but I guess one advantage is that the likelihood of your best friend being your neighbor is a bit higher than average. Dean had been hopping over the fence that separates our yards since grade school.
"Wanna play PlayStation later?" Dean asked as he gracefully leapt over the fence separating our domestic worlds.
"Sure, if you wanna get beat like a little girl again" I quipped with a crooked smile. I loved ruffling his feathers even though Dean was for the most part unflappable.
"You're on!" he called as he ran up the back porch steps into his house. Dean is the only thing about this suburban wasteland that was not boring. I turned and headed inside my own house to find refuge and solace in my room: my favorite place in the world because it was entirely mine and within its recesses I could be comfortable, safe, and 100% myself. No masks to be worn here.
I sat down at my desk, unloaded my backpack and changed out of my school clothes. I wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon doing research for the camping trip because honestly I was stressed about about the weekend ahead of me. I wanted to get as much accomplished before Dean was ready to play video games. I didn't want to look completely incompetent this weekend in front of him. Even though I know Dean likes to handle the details and we'll be alright, I still always felt like I had to prove myself to him even after all these years.
I had never even stayed away from home before, much less gone camping. Dean always came to my house for sleepovers. I'm not entirely sure why, but Dean always insisted on coming over to my place to hang out. I don't think I've ever been inside his house even after all these years. Dean lives with his dad who runs the antique hardware store downtown. Our small town calls this area "downtown" but there are no large steel structure here only a small square with historic brick building on either side. This is what non-locals would call "quaint." Dean's dad, John, is very tall with graying black hair and a stern no nonsense demeanor to match. My mom says "he's a man of few words" but I don't mind since I only see him when I go into his store with Dean. Dean doesn't like to talk about his dad and I never pry.
He says it's too boring to discuss and always changed the subject when it comes up. Truth be told, I'm looking forward to this trip because I'd like to get away and just be able to talk to Dean without the distractions of the modern world. Sometimes getting away from it all was the remedy for hiding behind inhibitions. We agreed to keep technology to a minimum because the whole point of the camping trip was to take a break from our monotonous, tech-saturated lives and to reconnect with nature. At least that's what Dean told me when he was trying to convince me to go.
I'm still not sure what made me agree to this excursion but it probably had something to do with his stupid puppy dog eyes that I just can't say no to. Damn him and his stupid eyes. I think I'll manage though. Hopefully Dean knows more than he lets on, otherwise we're both screwed. I trust him completely though.
My phone buzzed to life. I don't even have to look at the name that appears on the display because I know it's Dean. Nobody besides my mom and Dean text me and mom is at work so I know it's Dean.
"WRUD?" Dean sent.
"Nm just chillin" I responded. I know he's about to FaceTime me because we go through this same "wrud" "nm" routine almost every day before he inevitably calls me. Despite the fact he lives less than 500 feet away. He can't be out late on school nights, so this is how we hang out through the week for the most part. My phone begins to ring filling the silent, dimly lit room with sound. I unconsciously fix my hair and clothes before answering the video call.
"Hey, Sammy what's up?" Dean asks brightly. He knows how much I hate being called Sammy but after all these years I'm used to it. I think he secretly knows I love it. Dean is the only person in the world who can call me that and not get punched in the face.
"Not much, just doing some research" I replied. "Getting ready for Friday, are you excited yet?"
"Yes!" he exclaimed. "I found the coolest spot I can't wait to show you but it's going to be a surprise. Don't worry about it Sammy, you're gonna love it!" he assured me. This meant he had something up his sleeve. I wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing. We lived very close to the mountains so I already knew we'd be going somewhere not too far away but just far away enough to feel as though we escaped this stuffy old town.
I can hear the childlike excitement in Dean's voice which makes me indescribably warm. "Sounds awesome, Dean! I can't wait" I tell him honestly. "Don't we need to go shopping for supplies?" I ask.
"I think between the two of us we'll have everything we need. I mean we'll only be gone two nights and I have all the camping gear from dad's fishing days" he assures me.
"Okay, if you say so. I just hope you know what you're doing, slick." I tease mildly. Dean likes to act all macho and outdoorsy but we both know he's just as cluelessly domestic as I am. I will give him the benefit of the doubt though.
"Don't worry about a thing, Sammy. You know I wouldn't let you down. I got this."
"Well you better rest up" I said. "We have a long day ahead of us and we both need our rest. I'll pick you up before school then we can stop by the house after to pack up and head out."
"Sounds good" he replied. "I'll make sure we're all set! Get some rest, I know you need your beauty sleep" he teased. "Night, Sammy. I'll see ya bright and early!"
"Goodnight, Dean" I said and hung up the phone. A wave of excitement overcame me as I headed to bed. I couldn't wait for tomorrow! I just hope this trip turns out as amazing as Dean is expecting it to. I would hate to disappoint him in any way so I vowed to make it the best trip possible. Who knows? It might turn out to be the trip of a lifetime. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Maybe this will be the best opportunity for me to come clean with Dean about how I feel about him. My excitement burst in an instant like a balloon being popped. No. don't think like that, I told myself.
I don't want to ruin my friendship with Dean, that's what's always stopped me from being honest with him. My biggest fear is losing the one person I love more than anything in the world because I can't keep my big, stupid mouth shut. I'm not gonna blow this trip with Dean I promised myself. If only I knew how he felt. I don't think Dean is gay because he's such a flirt, and definitely a ladies man, but he doesn't really talk much about his feelings. Anytime the topic of emotions comes up, Dean either changes the subject or jokes around. I hate it but what do you do?
On the other hand, Dean knows I'm gay. I mean it's pretty obvious so I never really had to "come out" to him. God, I hate that phrase as though we should be forced to send out formal announcements regarding our sexuality. It's absurd. As far as Dean is concerned, I have no idea if he's gay, straight, bi, ace or just don't give a flying fuck. Not knowing is pure torture because I don't know how he would react to me coming clean about my feelings. To be honest, I don't know if knowing would help or hurt the situation but I at least hope it comes up this weekend while we are alone. At least I would have closure and I could move on. These feelings are eating me alive so this trip couldn't have come at a more opportune time. All I know is that I can't lose him.
As I was over analyzing everything and being overdramatic, I heard my mom come in downstairs from work. My mom, Mary, worked at the local diner. I headed downstairs to see if she needed any help with dinner and to tell her more about the trip. I didn't know a lot of the details because Dean wanted it to mostly be a surprise, which mom found worrying and I couldn't blame her.
"Mom, it'll be fine!" I reassured her. "Dean knows what he's doing and people go camping all the time it'll be fine." I was trying to convince myself as much as I was my mom.
"I'm still worried about not being able to reach you once you're up there" she said. "What if something bad happens?" My mom has always been a bit overprotective but in this case she made a valid point.
"Mom, it's fine" I countered. "I promise nothing bad is going to happen. It's just two nights and I'll be back to civilization before you know it." She doesn't seem convinced that it's a good idea for two incompetent 17 year olds to backpack alone in the Appalachian Mountains for a weekend but she reluctantly allowed the plans to stay as is. I know she only worries because she cares but I desperately want to prove to her that I'm grown now and I can handle being on my own. I half want to prove it to myself.
After dinner I spent another hour with my mom packing and reassuring her that everything will be okay. I think I have everything we might need. We say our goodnights and head off to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a big day and I can't decide whether or not I'm more nervous or excited. Both. I'm literally going to die. At least I'll have Dean and that's all that matters. I eventually fall asleep after running through at least a million scenarios about how this weekend was going to go. I guess we'll find out if Tennyson was right. Is it truly "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?"