A Harry Dresden Rap: Fool Moon!
[Beat slowly rises in a club scene. Lot's of fashionable people waiting in line, but the bouncer just shakes his head at everybody. The heads turn as Dresden starts walking toward the club in slow motion. He's wearing shorts, a star wars T-Shirt and worn cowboy boots. Fans stare in awe and after several double fistbumps he walks through the door looking like complete crap.
He enters the club and the entire cast of the Dresden Universe is in the club. Thomas as the bartender mixing drinks. Hendricks as the bouncer. Mab's up in the VIP sitting poisoning Titania's drink. Murphy is checking ID's and kicking the kids out. All of the villains are sitting under 'Reserved for Dresden Haters' and all glaring at Dresden as he enters the dance floor.
Music starts.]
Harry Dresden's my name I ain't got no success
When I meet the wizard council my robe feels like dress
Every book I start a loser with a life full of stress
My showers so cold it rains like a blizzard
Double check the phone book and find me under Wizard
I'm a tall man with tall cat named Mister
The girl wanted most was actually my Sister
I had a master, a monster, he damaged my soul
My main man I talk to is a god damned skull
But every book you ain't about the start
I ain't a loser long, cuss I got heart
I got toys, I got knowledge, I got things to resolve
Every book has bullshit that I gotta solve
F***ing love it! F***ing hate it! F***ing hear my plight!
Listen how this loser wizard beat down the night!
It's dark out! The moon's out!
The hunts on! The light is gone!
Fool moon!
Fool moon!
I head to my bar it's a tight ass club
Well to be real with you it's more of a pub
I'm here to meet a chick and let's be real
All she'd want from me is a magic seal
"Tell me what you know in exchange for a meal!"
I give her nothing! I can't tell her a bit!
"I don't need you messing with this kind of shit."
She throws a hissy fit and grunts as she leaves
"Thanks for nothing Harry and go choke on some bees."
Ain't no little girl that needs to make this big ole crap
That mega magic circle could be a demigod trap
I don't need no guilt trip, I just stare at Mac
Another moment later and there's a blonde at my back
"Dresden, get up, there's been a murder attack."
It's dark out! The moon's out!
The hunt's on! The lights gone!
Full moon!
Full moon!
Bitch! It don't look like cheese at all!
So I go take a look, I just glance with cops a'chillin
Don't take a wizard to know he's seen a wolf killin
"Marcone's dead homeboy, yeah it's happened again."
That's the guy who shows you that crime can win
"The Lobo Murders, Dresden. Now where've you been."
More cops! Another chick and a couple more men!
They give Murph a push, they're the FBI
The chick pulls out a gun to make Murph go die
I tackle Murphy to the ground, I save her and her rack
She can't report the chick, because police are whack
I get on the trail use some blood for trackin
A lot of people forget the heat I'm packin
I've got bullets, guns and some badass spells
I got fire, ice, lightning and shotgun shells
A man tracking wolves, hell it's what I do
A building full of traps? Bitch, I sneak on through.
Werewolves talkin? A chick leadin da group?
Did these college brats murder Marcone's troop?
I listen in a little, I heard from where I sat.
Then they took off running before my eye could bat
Although they got away and they managed to bale
If snark is a shark, then I'm a killer whale!
So I chill at my place and I'm on a roll
Poke your head in and you'll meet Bob the Skull
"I got four types of wolf for my main man Harry."
He wants his romance with cream and a cherry.
Hexen be Rexin with transformation belts
werewolves be howling with their full fur pelts
Lycanthropes are people with wolves in their head
and one I can't pronounce... but makes you dead
It's dark out! The moon's out!
The hunt's on! The lights gone!
Full moon!
Full moon!
Do I hear howling?
I got man wolf on my ass, but he ain't a barker
He ain't no spider man, but his damn name's Parker
See his buddies and he were talking some smack
He's got to prove to his mates he's head of the pack
He follows me around and he'll be at my back
But there ain't ever a time Dresden don't expect attack
Man it'd be nice havin' my own wolves in a fight
Maybe later I'll make wolf friends... yeah right
Like that shit'll ever happen.
Waiting for me in my main office zone
He brought his boys wit' em, it's Jonny Marcone
He waves his cash at me, but man I just bail
"Without this information, Dresden, you're gonna fail."
But he gives me his lead.
I don't thank for him for the deed.
Do you know how you're rockin and rollin in fame?
Call up demon who wants to hear me say my name.
Time is short
I can't abort
I hold the fort
I gotta know this shit
I gotta case and I don't quit
There's a big ass wolf curse and it ain't quaint
MacFinn got cursed by some badass Catholic saint
He can't control it. He's gonna change and fight
When the full moon comes around later tonight
It's dark out! The moon's out!
The hunt's on! The lights gone!
Full moon!
Fool moon!
I'm so f***ing white...
Wolves wear nothing and wizard's wear hoods
A little lovely she-wolf led my through the woods
I shock MacFinn so hard, I thought he might die
Double wrong! He's nabbed up by the FBI
I don't rest and I don't cease
I stop for no one, except maybe police
I gotta save murphy before they body bag her
I sneak past the cops with moves like jagger
And it goes like this!
When I get there things are going to hell
You can't keep this monster in a F***ing cell
You can't keep this thing like a prison groupie
The wizards got some magic with his pal snoopy
With some magic I got him bound!
He got away, I got him downed!
Murphy helped a little and she got in a hit
But wouldn't happen if she had listened a bit
Don't doubt a wizard, don't be a dumb blonde
Don't trust the cuffs, gotta trust the wand
Our relationship in this book could have been hotter
But at least I'm thankful I'm not Harry Potter
It's dark out! The moon's out!
The hunt's on! The lights gone!
Fool moon!
Full moon!
That loup-garou is still out there, huh?
So by now you're wondering how this ends
I end up bound up with some old friends
Son of a bitch!
What a hitch!
I won't be dead in a ditch!
Marcone agrees and he decrees
"Work for me." Then I'm all frees
I'm not keeping that deal
I've told him how I feel
The FBI is here and I hear gun fires
These guys hexin wolf dires
Surprise! The government is full of meat eating dogs
One big machine and a bunch of spinning cogs
They're here for blood not for a bone
They're aiming for big shark, they take on Marcone
A wizard's gotta run in a turf war fight
I run with some Alphas and make my flight
Terra wants my help so I can save her dear
Well later F***ers cuss Dresden's out of here!
Leave solving cases to the Private Eye
This whole thing is the fault of the FBI
Just another dresden day, an ordinary find
Another damn psycho group out of their mind
Well you know your plan was full of Shit
When you end thrown in a damn dog pit
I'm too tall for being put in a hole
As of today these cops get no drole
I can't tell you it all my memory's a blur
I dropped my apple bottom jeans for some fur
I got a hexy belt that makes my bite make a mark
I got paws instead of jaws or bark instead of snark
I'm feelin like a wolf and I'm feeling fine
I got blood in my mouth and it isn't mine
It's dark out! The moon's out!
The hunt's on! The lights gone!
Fool! Fool! Full moon!
One more wolf joke and I'll kill myself 10 books from now.
OK here's a big ass vow
This is it and this is how
I won't give in to something foul
That never again I will howl
I can't take this life
In front of my would be wife
Susan saw me when things got down
I gotta drop my belt before I drown
In the hunt, in the hate, in the boiling blood
I'm Harry F***ing Dresden, I don't die in the mud
A two ton wolf? What the hell would save me?
Maybe something silver that mother gave me!
Every shred of magic and every bit of might
I put into my silver and into his bite
There was dirt, there blood all over the night
But when this man changed back that wasn't the sight
Cursed family, dark life and twisted hate
I put MacFinn down and end to that fate
I looked in his eyes and damn they spoke true
Although he was dying, they said "Thank you."
It's all on tape bitch. It's all on tape.
The cops show up and I gotta break I dearly earned
Pass looks around and watch the hex belts get burned
Wounds we need to tend
we know this is the end
Things gotta wrap up I got women to defend
Some dark wizard made this and I'll find him soon
He won't strike again not during this fool moon!