Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Self-Loathing and Memories
By: ChoCedric
Remus has tried to block out Hogwarts for so many years that when Albus Dumbledore arrives in his fireplace, he is totally shocked. It causes a swarm of memories to come flooding back, and he is almost bowled over with the force of them. The last time he saw Dumbledore, he came with the terrible news that James, Lily, and Peter were dead, little Harry was with his Muggle relatives, and Sirius ... Sirius had committed the unforgivable crimes, and was now locked away, rotting in Azkaban.
When Dumbledore explains why he's there, Remus receives another unfathomable shock: he is holding a copy of the Daily Prophet, and it has a picture of Sirius on it, and he has a maniacal grin on his face. Remus feels sick just looking at it: that was not the Sirius he knew, not the joking, charismatic friend he had. Dumbledore explains that Sirius has escaped Azkaban, and Remus goes numb. No! This cannot be happening! It isn't possible! No one can escape from that place!
But indeed, it has happened, and Dumbledore is in dire need of someone to protect Harry this coming school year. He informs him that the boy is going into his third year this year, and there is a slot available for a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He also explains about the recurring threat of Voldemort and the escapades Harry has also been on with his friends. Needless to say, Remus is stricken, and he feels his heart pumping wildly in his chest.
"Why me?" he whispers to Dumbledore, wanting to know why the old man would pick him, of all people, to protect Harry. "And what about my condition? I'll be a danger to all the students!"
But the Headmaster tries to allay his fears, explaining that surely he must have heard of the new potion, Wolfsbane, and that Severus Snape, the Potions Master, has agreed to make it for him. Remus is even more skeptical, remembering the animosity between them in their Hogwarts days. He knows Severus will have never let that go, and marvels at the fact that he would have agreed to make the potion.
So with a heart full to the brim with mixed emotions, he agrees to Dumbledore's proposition. Sirius's laughing face haunts his mind as the next few weeks go by, and he knows his friend well: no one will catch him if he can help it. Remus feels sick with self-loathing and guilt, for he knows he should tell Dumbledore about Sirius being an Animagus, for it could mean the difference between Harry's life and death. But he keeps putting it off, telling himself he'll inform the old man tomorrow.
Unfortunately, his transformation is the night before September 1. It is a rough night, and when he wakes up in the morning, he gets ready to go on the Hogwarts Express despite the excruciating pain and fatigue he is experiencing. When he gets on the train, he settles down into a seat, nostalgia sweeping over him as he just so happens to sit in the compartment he, James, Sirius, Peter (and later Lily) occupied all those years ago.
He isn't happy about it at all, but he knows dementors will be at the school, looking for Sirius. He feels anger churn in his gut; how could Sirius be okay with all of this? He still feels a tremendous self-loathing for not explaining to Dumbledore about his ex-friend's magical ability, but something keeps stopping him from just going ahead and doing it. Why didn't I question Sirius before the Potters and poor, innocent little Peter were killed? he thinks desperately. He remembers how the black-haired man so callously betrayed his condition to Severus Snape, causing him to almost get bitten, even killed. It was only James, good, self-sacrificing, noble James that saved him.
Remus hasn't even realized his thoughts have sent him into a fitful sleep until he hears a voice he recognizes all too well. James's voice. But wait, it can't be James. James is dead, he thinks groggily. Harry! He feels a horde of emotions bludgeoning over him, for there, sitting right in his compartment, are Harry, a red-haired Weasley, and a bushy-haired Muggle-born that Dumbledore has told him so much about.
Suddenly, the train screeches to a halt, and Remus becomes more alert. It starts to get freezing cold inside the compartment, and the werewolf immediately knows what's going on. When the dementor opens the door to their compartment, Remus tells it that nobody is hiding Sirius Black under their clothes. When the dementor doesn't go away, he thinks of the day when his friends found out he was a werewolf and they didn't care, and shouts, "Expecto patronum!" His patronus charges at the dementor, and it finally goes away.
He looks back to the children in the compartment, and a feeling of horror overwhelms him when he sees that Harry has fainted. He fishes out some Honeydukes Chocolate from his pocket, and tries to wake up the boy. It takes a minute, but Harry finally becomes alert again. It is painful to look at him, the boy with an exact replica of James's face with a precise copy of Lily's beautiful emerald eyes shining out at him. He hands him the chocolate, and Harry asks what that thing was. Remus explains, and once again, he feels disgust that Sirius caused this catastrophe. When Harry explained that he heard a woman screaming, Remus feels sick to his stomach, for he can work out exactly what Harry heard. His beautiful mother Lily was probably pleading for Harry's life, knowing her, and Remus feels tears sting his eyes, angrily blinking them back.
As the train plods on to Hogwarts, it gives Remus a chance to think. He vows to himself that he will do anything to protect James and Lily's child, even if it means facing his ex-friend and getting murdered, just like his dear friends were. He swears that one day soon, he will tell Dumbledore about Sirius being an Animagus and how he probably will get into the school through the secret passageways. I promise, he thinks to himself as the train finally stops at Hogwarts. I promise, Harry, you will be alright. But the self-loathing never lessens.