Tattooed
There are days when he stirs and sees hazy figures and muted comments, but he doesn't wake until the day he feels the cool touch of someone's hand against his shoulder, nudging him roughly until he groans and his eyes finally open.
He still can't see well, everything obscured by the a slight haze, but the figure he's looking at is painted with enough colour and tattoos for him to know it's her. Jack. His heart pounds painfully, an unexpected relief filling him at the thought that not only was she the last person he thought of, she's the first one he sees.
Shepard croaks her name and the nudging finally stops, her hand stilling against his skin.
"You look like shit." She says, her voice hoarse. "Although you look better than they did when they found you. You're lucky I gave you that tattoo because otherwise…"
She trails off, her breath hitching. It takes him longer than it should to comprehend her words, but when he did, he forced himself to sit up, each movement sending sharp pains shooting through him. "Come here."
He folds his arms around her, holding her close and, just for a moment, its as if no time has passed since their last hesitant embrace, with Jack taking just as long to gently return the hug, but then he remembers that everything has changed and he wonders if he made the right decision.
It's Jack's turn to calm him, Shepard using her presence as a reminder that he's alive.
-.-.-.-.-
He remembers nothing past making his decision, and he knows nothing about what has happened since the Reapers fell. Jack visits everyday and she talks to him, his hand in hers.
His eyesight is still blurry, but the London doctors have promised to find a pair of glasses, as well as a cane for whenever the nurses decide he's ready to attempt walking. They've made it clear, though, that with the destruction of so much modern technology, it's unlikely he'll ever walk unaided again. The doctors say his cybernetics were crushed, that he's lucky that he's as capable as he is without them powering his body.
Shepard wonders if it's his fall or his decision that broke them.
He knows the other synthetics aren't working anymore. Jack has told him as much, but she's also told him that there's enough parts left behind to try and rebuild.
"The geth?" he asks, his throat full when he recalls Legion's sacrifice and what he'd given his life for. "Are they-?"
"All the ones that were fighting here are gone." Jack says quietly, leaning her head on his shoulder when he grips her hand tighter. "The long range comms are screwed up, so we don't about further afield."
"And EDI?"
It's when Shepard thinks of her that his choice haunts him most, although he tells himself he'd never choose something different, if he had to choose again. He remembers the last words EDI had spoken to him, about finally feeling truly alive, and he thinks, just for a second, that it would have been better to have died, to not have to live through the consequences of his choice.
He had expected to die.
"No word from the Normandy yet." Jack says casually, although her voice shakes, and he knows its the only answer she can give him. "You'll know as soon as I do."
She kisses him when she leaves, and it's only when she's gone that he speaks again.
"Maybe I don't want to know."
-.-.-.-.-
It's strange to have nothing to do and nowhere to go. Shepard can't even remember the last time he relaxed, but it turns out he's not very good at it.
He might have fought like hell to save Earth, but it's never really been his home. Sometimes, now, it is. The Alliance appointed him a small, ground-level apartment in London, and it's strange, but nice, to wake up each morning to Jack and her fingers tracing the tattoo she gave him.
He'd never considered being domestic, but with nothing else to do, Shepard busies himself with learning to appreciates the simple things that he never had the chance to before, and although he hadn't imagined a future, it's comforting to take things easy and just be there when Jack returns back from her days with her students.
"I'm sorry I can't take you dancing." Shepard tells over Jack over dinner one day, choosing to focus on his new shortcomings instead of the guilt that's tattooed across his heart.
"Sure you can." Jack says immediately, her husky laugh cheering him up slightly. "As soon as we find somewhere to go. I mean, you couldn't dance before so I don't your crap leg is going to change things."
He laughs, even though laughter often feels like a betrayal these days. "I could have been worse."
"Dancing can wait." She says decisively, snatching up his empty plate as soon as he's finished and abandoning it along with hers in the sink. "I'm getting laid regularly and I'm with you. That's already more than I had hoped for."
He likes the quiet most days, even if the new lifestyle is slower than he's used to.
But sometimes, when he's sated and breathless, Jack's sweat-slicked, naked body pressed against his as she sleeps, he thinks of his friends (no, his family) and wonders if they'll ever make it back.
It's those nights he also thinks of EDI and how, if she's gone, it's all because of him.
-.-.-.-.-
Hackett's the one who tells him the Normandy has returned. The crew is tired and hungry, but they're all alive. All except for the AI, Hackett adds after Shepard just remains silent, but he states that after what happened with the Crucible, they couldn't have expected anything different.
When Shepard arrives at the docking bay, Liara and Tali run to hug him. Garrus hurries over too, looking at Shepard's face and then the cane he's leaning on.
"The Krogan might have a tough time choosing the most attractive one of us now." He says in greeting, and Shepard chuckles in surprise, clapping the turian on the shoulder and watching with a small smile as Garrus walks past him to join Tali, his arm slung easily around her waist.
"Doesn't matter who they pick," Jack mutters in Shepard's ear. "They go after you, and I might have to go psychotic on their asses."
The lightness that filled him when he saw the Normandy leaves him the instant he sees Joker limping towards him, and instead the guilt overwhelms him.
"I'm sorry." It's the only thing he can say, and it seems to take Joker a few seconds to realise what Shepard means, his expression changing from a small smile to sad grimace. "I'm so sorry."
He's spent so long being brave, but he can't bear to watch Joker's expression change when he realises what he means.
"I should go." He says quickly.
He walks away.
-.-.-.-.-
"I knew what would happen." He admits that night, something he hasn't told anyone yet. He can't see Jack's face as he's lying on his stomach, her fingers tracing the tattoo again. "I knew that destroying the Reapers would mean destroying all synthetic life. Even though I knew that I'd saved the geth and that Joker loved EDI, I looked up at Earth, at war, and I didn't even think of them. There was only one choice I could make."
"Shepard…"
"I wanted to save as many lives as I could, but once I was there, I didn't even think of that. Of everyone." He mutters, his voice growing steadily quieter. "I was given other options. Ones that might have been better and made people happier, but I didn't care. I just wanted the Reapers gone, no matter what it cost."
"That shit's done now." Jack speaks into his skin, each word burning as her lips brush against him. "You saved the day. You did it. No point thinking about what you might have done instead." She turns his head towards her with a gentle hand, and then she presses her lips to his in a desperate, harsh kiss. "I love you, you know?"
He smiles sadly. He did know, even though she's never said it. "You too."
"So how about we dig up some old Earth music, invite the old crew over and we can all dance to it?" she suggests. "And we celebrate the millions of lives you did save?"
He swallows and takes a few deep breaths. "I'd like that."
-.-.-.-.-
At the party, Shepard and Joker sit and talk, because neither of them feel up to dancing and having their legs collapse under them, and the guilt that Shepard had believed was tattooed on his heart finally begins to fade.
Just a quick fic because I finished ME3 again yesterday and I couldn't stop thinking about what happened to my Shepard after the ending. I hope you enjoy it!