A/N: I can't be the only one that speak to my ship during battle, right?

...

Right?

The moment you clicked that random battle button, you had given your life for the next fifteen minutes or so to the unforgiving hands of the RNGoddess.

By the time the map was loaded, your fate had already been decided. You had no control over your team. You would either win so easily that it's not funny, get ROFL stomped, or one player would have to super-carry a team of potatoes into victory. In any way, nine out of ten the battle would always be a landslide, whether the result ended in your favor or not.

But one out of ten, a miracle would happen. whether it's due to timezone coincidence or pure luck, the RNG somehow managed to gather 24 players of similar skills and minds, where the battleships were all WASD experts and the cruisers were brave and loyal, and the destroyers were not selfish, egoistic jackasses. If that happened, then you're in for a truly epic battle.

Blasto2 of the North American server was just your average, 51 percent win rate player, although he would like to say that he had acquired a degree of expertise on American destroyers and battleships and that his abysmal win rate was merely due to the fact that he played dozens of games a day. One night he found himself in the Two Brothers map, the one where you could immediately see which team had the biggest amount of idiots simply by looking at the central channel.

Nobody went into the central channel.

"That's a good omen, don't you think so, m'lady?"

"Do not be too quick to judge. The game has just begun." said New Mexico to her suspiciously submissive master, who was perching on top of her head inside the bridge of her rigging. Befitting of her nickname 'The Queen', New Mexico was wearing a long purple dress that was aesthetically royal, at least for an American.

"Thanks for the new dress, by the way."

"Oh, no, no. Thank WG for that. Got that for free in the last update."

"Hmm..."

Blasto turned his attention to another fairy onboard.

"Captain Oakley, what do you think of this game?"

"A standard battle, sir. So I reckon that both teams would try to play defensively in the first few minutes." analyzed Richard Oakley, an eight point captain focusing on damage management.

DING!

A bell that signaled the start of the battle was sounded.

"Left or right?" asked New Mexico to her master.

"Let's see what the rest of our team are doing."

"Sir, I think it's a lemming train, sir." observed Oakley.

Blasto looked at the minimap, and indeed, most of his team were going left, leaving only two destroyers going right.

"A Benson and a Fubuki. Good enough for area denial at least. with a single battleship in tow, they might be able to hold the flank until the lemming train is through. Alright friends! Hard to starboard!"

"Hard to starboard sir!"

After a minute of gameplay, an enemy Fuso was suddenly detected.

"Master, should I launch the spotter plane?" asked New Mexico.

A sniper duel at +20km against a Fuso in a New Mexico? Not ideal, but it's better than doing nothing. They'd soon be in detection range anyway, so this was a chance for them to use the element of surprise. Also, Blasto saw a couple of broadsiding cruisers sailing together with the Fuso, a very alluring opportunity.

"Launch the plane." ordered Blasto.

"Spotter plane away!" announced New Mexico. They had plenty of planes and fuel due to Oakley's Superintendent skill, so nothing was lost from launching one that early into the game.

New Mexico was detected before Blasto was ready to fire.

"Incoming!" shouted New Mexico.

"ANGLE! ANGLE! ANGLE!" Blasto ordered in panic, blasting the A key on his keyboard.

Twelve fourteen-inch shells hit New Mexico head on, causing two hundred point damage.

"Damage report." asked Blasto, still trying to control his breath.

"Some bounces and overpenetrations, sir." reported Oakley.

"Prepare to return fire. One turret. Reserve nine guns to fire at the cruisers."

"Firing!"

New Mexico let go of three fourteen-inch shells, the first three of the one hundred and fifty plus that she'd be firing in this game.

CLANK

"A...citadel?" said New Mexico, surprised.

"PRAISE BE THE RNGODDESS!" prayed Oakley.

"Praise her be!" shouted Blasto in full agreement.

But apparently, that three shots ate up a lot of their luck, since right after the Fuso cleared the island, something unfortunate happened. Another battleship followed the Fuso, then another, then another...

Oh, and also there were dive bombers from the enemy Shoukaku.

"Two squadrons of dive bombers! A Bayern! A Colorado! and a North Carolina! and I think the Fuso is still aiming at us!" shouted New Mexico.

Blasto slammed onto his keyboard, asking the friendly Lexington for help.

"AA PLZ HOLY SHIT"

Answering his distress call, the Lexington sent out a squadron of fighters, and a Cleveland suddenly came out of nowhere, her AA cooldown blazing. Also, the Benson turned back after releasing her torpedoes, adding her meager AA to the barrage. Blasto's heart was moved.

"Good souls!" Blasto typed. The Cleveland gave her thumbs up.

Then the enemy battleships reached into range, and the Cleveland was suddenly deleted. She looked more irritated than sad as she got blown off the map, however.

"No! She was so young!" cried Blasto. "You BASTARDS!"

Blasto and his loyal crew returned fire, but the enemy Myoko, Cleveland, and Atago started spamming HE, setting New Mexico ablaze.

"Master. I am somewhat on fire."

"SHIT!"

Blasto steered New Mexico aground on a small island, cowering from the flamethrowing cruisers.

"THIS IS NOT COWERING! THIS IS THREAT MANAGEMENT!" said Blasto as dozens of HE shells rained upon the island in front of New Mexico.

"Sir! who are you talking to!?"

"Nobody! Activate the damage control and the repair party! And open fire at that Fuso!"

At the moment, only the Fuso was able to fire at Blasto's New Mexico, wich turned things into a slightly more even battle.

"Missed! not enough lead!" said Oakley.

"You aim is somewhat terrible today, Master. She was quite close."

Blasto decided that it was a bad decision to start experimenting with the crosshair right before this battle.

"I think the North Carolina is trying to flank us, sir."

Blasto right clicked and hold to get out of the scope mode and checked his surrounding, and indeed, in an attempt to give the broadsiding Fuso a full complement of New Mexico's guns, Blasto had accidentally overexposed himself and his crew to nine sixteen-inch guns at a very close range.

"Shit."

And then, the Benson came back, smoke blowing out of her smokestacks. Heroic theme was playing inside Blasto's head as the Benson saved him from a certain death.

"We cannot take firepower of this magnitude!" shouted the Benson as she launched torpedoes at the North Carolina, flooding her in a series of underwater explosions. "We need to retreat!"

"Master! if we retreat the enemy will have a clear run towards our base!"

Blasto checked his minimap. The rest of his team appeared to be experiencing the exact opposite problem as he was. A big number of ships were being held back by a small number of brave defenders.

"LEFT PUSH WTF." Blasto typed.

"HANG ON PLOX." said an Ognevoi in the other side of the islands, one that already had three kills. "We ll mop em. hld n."

"Then we will hold!" said an over eager Fubuki, somehow engaging in an even battle against a Kiev.

"FUCK EVERYTHING."

For about ten minutes Blasto's New Mexico and two destroyers held a single square on the map, with the destroyers playing a crucial role in turning the enemy battleships away with their torpedoes, forcing them to give their broadside to New Mexico's guns which were constantly firing from the safety of smokes.

"UNFAIR PLANE HE KEMP SMOK." Shouted the enemy Atago while reporting Blasto for misbehavior.

In the confusion, Blasto managed to make two consecutive citadel hits to the enemy Myoko and Cleveland. But the enemy cruisers were no fool, those two hits were the only two damaging hits that Blasto managed to take from them, as they rarely exposed their broadside. Meanwhile, their HE spam kept New Mexico on fire.

"Master, I appear to be on fire. Again."

"Oakley!"

"Damage control on cooldown, sir! And we almost run out of repair parties!"

There was good news, however. At some point, the enemy North Carolina, Bayern, and Fuso were taken out by the combination of New Mexico's guns and the torpedoes from the Lexington and the destroyers, leaving the Colorado as the only remaining enemy battleship that was firing at Blasto's new Mexico. But then the Fubuki exploded and Blasto's heart fell again.

"WE HERE RUN M8." shouted the Ognevoi as she started taking points from the enemy base.

"Go! I'll cover you!" shouted the Benson as she finished off the Kiev. She let out smoke, which Blasto immediately took a full advantage of.

On the retreat, Blasto was met by a friendly North Carolina.

"Sorry I'm late. Is the party over?" said the NC.

Blasto looked at the minimap. The enemy seemed to be retreating to defend their flag.

"NC, follow me!" said the Benson. "We'll strike 'em at the flank, New Mex, you go middle."

Late in the battle, going down the middle of the Two Brothers map was actually a very sound strategy. Especially when you're in a slow ship such as the New Mexico.

"Roger that."

On their way to the middle, Blasto ordered New Mexico to launch another spotter plane and let go a few potshots towards the retreating enemy. But soon the island started obscuring her guns.

As Blasto slowly sailed the middle channel, most of his team were engaged in yet another epic skirmish just a few kilometers in front of him.

"DAm, these guys good." said a friendly Scharnhorst as she was rammed to death by the enemy Atago in a mutual kill.

Blasto looked around him, and noticed that every ship without exception was at very, very low health. Blasto's team had one ship advantage after the Ognevoi took out the enemy Shoukaku, but the battle could still go either way.

"Keep our point advantage!" said the Benson. "Stay alive!"

And then a friendly Cleveland got taken out by the Colorado, but Blasto's team still held the point advantage due to camping the enemy base.

"RUN AWAY!111" screamed somebody, and Blasto suddenly faced with three friendly low health cruisers retreating down the channel, being fired upon by a Cleveland, a Myoko, and another Cleveland supported by long-range fire from the Colorado.

"Hide behind me!" shouted New Mexico heroically as the enemy attention suddenly turned on her, setting her on fire again.

"OI COCK OFF!" shouted Blasto to his enemies.

"lul" responded one of the enemy Clevelands. New Mexico immediately fired and sunk her, her only actual kill in this battle.

"Sir! We're out of repair!" shouted Oakley.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" Blasto shouted in the all-chat, and then immediately steered his New Mexico to port, putting a bit of the western island between his ships and the enemy cruisers. New Mexico cringed as the Myoko's torpedoes sailed just by the right of her, scraping her paint.

The Myoko decided to engage the rest of Blasto's team, but the last Cleveland and the Colorado still insisted on firing at Blasto's New Mexico. New Mexico angled her armor to the Colorado, while the Cleveland's shells, fired mortar-style over two islands, kept setting her on fire.

Blasto knew that his luck had run out.

"It's been a good run." said Oakley.

"I shall meet you in port, master." said New Mexico contently.

Blasto sighed, and as eight sixteen-inch shells were marching towards him, Blasto reached for his keyboard for the last time in this battle and typed the sacred letter.

"GG"

BLAAAM

A/N: So iI ended up second in my team with 90k damage, right below that Ognevoi. The Colorado was the last enemy ship to go down, after she dueled our North Carolina one on one.