Kurt sighed as he lay in Blaine's arms on the couch. Some HBO drama was playing on the television in front of them, but neither man was paying attention to anything but the other. He reached up and kissed his love's mouth lightly before sighing contentedly and settling back onto Blaine's tanned chest.
"I've missed this," he whispered almost inaudibly. He felt calloused fingertips running through his chestnut hair and dancing down his neck. He bit back a groan, knowing that Blaine was just trying to distract him from the subject at hand. He twisted back around to face the other. Kurt could easily cry at how natural and simple it was for Blaine's hands to hold his hips because he knew something was wrong.
"I know what you mean," Blaine replied just as silently. His golden eyes met the others blue glass eyes and saw tears shining, but not brimming over.
"I never see you anymore. And every single time you leave I miss you more and more and I feel like I'm never going to be whole again! But then you come and you're sitting outside my door, waiting just like any real gentleman would or you'll call and use such beautiful words that are like bandages to the holes in my heart!" A few tears began to shine on his cheeks, and more were coming.
Blaine craned his neck and kissed him hard and passionately. He could taste salt tears mingling with the vanilla and coffee taste of Kurt's soft mouth. He felt soft pale hands reaching under his tank top, and he knew round two was upon them. Just as he shifted their positions, a phone began to ring. Loud, harsh, and demanding. He started to move so he could answer, but Kurt's hands were in his hair, pulling him down and securing him there.
"Blaine please, don't answer it. I'm practically begging you to stay on this couch with me and let it go to voicemail." The tears were back in his eyes and in his voice, but there was no stopping them.
"Babe, I have to. It's probably Cassidy, wondering where I am." He extricated himself from Kurt's strong grasp and picked up on the last ring.
"Hey, Cas, I'm sorry I'm late again," he apologized the second he picked up. Even though Blaine was on the other side of the couch, Kurt could still hear every word.
Blaine, you've been coming home late most evenings for a while now. Is it work or what? I'm so confused! I'm your wife, and still I'm sure your boss sees you more than I do.
"I know, and I'm sorry. I'll try to be better about working over time for a while. I'll be home in less than thirty minutes, I promise."
Blaine, if there's another woman you're seeing, just tell me. Please. I sit here agonizing most nights. And my sister, Monica, is always telling me awful things I'm sure she just makes up in her head, but still I'm afraid to loose you. I shouldn't feel this way, because I love you too much to let that happen. And once upon a time you loved me too, and I'm afraid that now you don't. Blaine nodded and sighed, away from the phone where she couldn't hear.
"Nothing is wrong. I love you too. I'll be home soon, okay?" Already, he was slipping back into his jeans and dress shirt as he simultaneously hung up the phone. Kurt couldn't bear to watch anymore. He moved to the kitchen and slipped in his own sweatpants before he began brewing a pot of tea. Blaine came in, looking miserable.
"I'm sorry, love, but I have to go." His voice shook with his own confliction along with Kurt's pain. They understood each other so well it was like their souls were intertwined. They shared each other's joy and pain, gain and loss, as if it were their own.
"'Blaine please. Please call her and tell her the truth." Kurt couldn't look at him, so he chose instead to focus on the window above the sink. His high rise New York apartment offered a brilliant view of the Manhattan skyline, but he couldn't even enjoy it.
"You know I can't do that. It would be cruel, and you know me better than that." He wrapped his arm around his real love's waist and leaned in softly.
"Fine. Then go home, tell her the truth, then come back to me," he pled pitifully.
"It's not that simple." Kurt unwound Blaine's arms from his waist and stalked to the other end of the room, clutching a useless cup of tea in his hands. He whirled around to face him, anger mingling with hurt.
"Why shouldn't it be that simple? You told me you love me, and that you don't love her. You are gay, Blaine. And you know it! I just don't know why you're so afraid to admit that to everyone else and just be with me," he sobbed brokenly. Blaine moved closer and let Kurt bury his head in his neck before gently guiding him to look straight in his eyes.
"Kurt, I'm so sorry for all of this. I never wanted to hurt you, and that's because I love you. God, I'm so in love with you it hurts when I'm not with you. But I still care for Cassidy, even if I don't love her that way. I couldn't just do that to her. Not now." Kurt looked into his true love's eyes and was abruptly furious, slamming the mug onto the counter with a sharp thud.
"Then what's the point in you loving me, or me loving you? If you aren't going to leave her, why are you still here? Why are you standing there with your kicked puppy eyes and your too damn attractive face telling me you love me, if all you can do about it is sneak behind your wife's back a few times a week?" His voice rose steadily in pitch, almost to the point of becoming hysterical. As much as he loved and cared for Blaine, he couldn't bear to not know what would become of them.
"Love, if you want me to leave, I will. I don't mean to hurt you. It's wrong and unkind for me to do so. But one day, I'm going to get the courage to leave Cassidy and come running straight to you. And then I'm going to scream to the world from the rooftops that I'm in love with you, Kurt Hummel, and only you. I'm sorry that can't be sooner, I really am." He leaned in and kissed him long and passionate, but still too sweet to bear. He broke away and began to move towards the door.
"Baby please," Kurt begged brokenly "why don't you stay? I don't want to share you anymore, as selfish as that sounds! I'm basically begging for you to just stay here with me and love me and let me love you, and you're walking out the door again. I'm tired of being lonely and without you. I can't bear it anymore. It feels like I'm dying every time you leave," he trailed off in a whisper. "Don't I give you what you need?" Blaine's hand froze on the doorknob and he turned around and caught Kurt's pale, tear-streaked face between his hands.
"You give me everything and more, don't ever doubt that," he reminded him gently. With one last kiss, he opened the door and stepped out. Kurt moved to the kitchen again to retrieve his tea, but curled instead into a tight ball beside the doorframe, letting his tears create small puddles on the tile.
~.~.~.~
As Blaine walked down the hallway, he heard the distinct crash of a ceramic dish hitting a door, and he knew Kurt had thrown his tea at the wall in anger. It killed him to know that he couldn't just walk in, gather the only person he had ever loved that passionately in his arms, and hold him until the tears subsided.
The entire cab ride home, all he could think about was Kurt. How their lips moved perfectly together, how his eyes sparkled when he laughed, how it felt like two puzzle pieces fitting when their bodies and souls met. All too soon, the car stopped in front of his brownstone. He had to put on a mask and pretend like he was happy to finally come home to his wife, when really he wanted to run to the place his heart resided.
"Cassidy, I'm home!" he called as he shook snow off of his shoes. The door clicked shut behind him, the soft noise like the top sliding over a sepulcher. She came around the corner, letting her long sheet of blonde hair out of it's bun.
"Hi, darling!" she called happily. "You're just in time f-" She was cut off by a shout of glee.
"Daddy!" His four year old daughter, Valerie, came bounding around her mother and threw herself at Blaine. He smiled as he picked her up and held her close. She was part of the reason he couldn't bring himself to leave. Kurt knew about her, and Blaine knew he would adore her, as Valerie would probably be taken with him immediately. But he wasn't sure how she would handle her parents splitting, or if Cassidy would even allow him to see her.
"Hello, sweetheart," he crooned in her ear. "Were you good for mommy before I got home?" She nodded and hugged his neck tight.
"You need to get here earlier, Daddy. I like it when you're here, don't you?" Blaine bit his lip but buried his head in her dark curls, so much like his own, so she couldn't see his indecision.
"I'll get here earlier, okay? I like spending time with you too much to stay away." There, that wasn't a lie, but he couldn't say he liked being at his house when he could be with Kurt.
~.~.~.~
That night as Blaine lay in bed, he found himself reviewing text messages sent from Kurt after he left.
Baby, I know you're probably going to hate me for this, but sometimes I almost think your hate would be easier to deal with than your love. At least, it wouldn't be as confusing. I still love you. Dear Lord, I think I love you too much sometimes. But I can't just stay like this forever, hanging on to every moment with you like it's a life preserver when the days -sometimes weeks- without you feel like million year expanses. I've given you the best of me, but still she gets the best of you. I know that you don't love her the way you love me, but still you go home to her. That's all I want. I want it so much. And that's why it hurts me to do this, and I'm so sorry: Please, please baby, don't come back to me unless you've left her. If you don't, then I understand and I can move on. I just can't live this way anymore. I love you.
A single tear fell out of Blaine's eye and hit the lit screen, blurring out the 'I love you'.