Chapter 1
I stared out blankly into the forest, barely noticing the trees twitching under the twittering movements of the tiny forest creatures.
I sighed to myself, had it really only been a few years? It felt like it had been forever…. eons. It probably hadn't helped that time had pretty much stopped completely for me for so many months. Lethargy and loneliness tended to drag out the hours in ones day.
I glanced behind me into the darkened house, just the small heartbeats of humans echoing against the tile. I laughed sardonically to myself, only I could possibly experience such loneliness, such rejection in one life time. I couldn't bear to think of the weight of it all; first Edward, then Jacob, and now this? I must be cursed.
I couldn't bear to think of Edward. I couldn't bear to think about the present either. And even though I didn't want to think of Jacob, it didn't hurt half as badly as those other thoughts.
I could feel the moisture pushing at my eyes but I blinked it back. Reluctantly, I thought back to the night that brought us here.
XOXOXOX
I was floundering. The pain so much it seemed impossible that my body could contain it anymore. Would I never find another love like Edward? Would I never feel the intensity, the passion that I shared with him? Was there any way that anyone could really love me after all of this? After all the unbelievable chaos that had touched my life?
Snapping out of my grinding sorrow, I looked up to see Jacob staring at me.
In that exact moment, he knew. He always knew, knew more than he even did at times. And right there, as my stoicism disintegrated in front of him, I knew I was powerless to stop it.
He could hear the glass walls shatter around me, could feel the panic as is it slipped. It was not a conscious decision. My body, my mind, my soul…they were giving up on me. Cursing me for the complete decimation I'd forced them to endure over the course of the last year. I knew what I longed for; the cold, strong arms that had once held me close. Held me with such an electric charge it seemed impossible that I had not internally combusted.
But those arms were no longer here. Did it even matter anymore? I just wanted to feel wanted, just wanted to feel some remnant of love, just wanted to feel some small amount of comfort for a change. Was that so much to ask? It had been so long. I couldn't take it anymore.
And Jacob knew. In that silent fragile moment as my glass walls crashed to the ground, Jacob crossed the room and lifted my lips towards his.
Helpless, I gave in. I sank into his warm embrace. It was not the embrace I craved, but in this small moment, it didn't matter. I just wanted to be held, just wanted to feel something, anything. Jacobs' arms tightened around me. The warmth emanating from his body got hotter, so hot.
Before I knew what I was doing, my arms were wrapped frenziedly around his neck, searching, longing. It wasn't Edward, but I couldn't bare the loneliness another second. It was consuming me. Even though my heart resisted, I allowed, more like forced, my human hormones to take over.
I had never been with Jake this way. I had never wanted to. But something in that moment, I needed it more than anything in my whole life. Well, almost anything.
I shoved him out of my thoughts, trying furtively to let go, to let my natural human instincts take over. Jake did not have the same lightning bolt passion that I was used to. This was too bland, but at least it was something. Almost like drinking diet instead of the real thing. It wasn't what I wanted, but this was all I would get.
I forced myself to succumb to the feeling of adrenaline flowing though my veins; succumb to the feeling of my heart racing underneath my skin; succumb to the reality of my life without Edward.
I saw a flash of pale moonlight in the window. It was hard to reconcile the motion as I tried desperately to cling to this moment of feeling wanted, to feeling somewhat alive again. Yet, as the waves subsided and Jacob rolled to his side and drifted off to sleep, I felt the same torment of the last year. "Edward," I whispered to the empty room as a single tear escaped the corner of my eye.
XOXOXOX
After that night, everything happened in a blur. In many ways, Edward died for me that night. A sense of connectedness that I had felt, a sense that he might still linger, abruptly ceased after that night. The static charge in the air was gone away, forever. Almost as if he knew, as if he had seen it. I shuddered to think. But the empty feeling was my own creation; Edward had left me long, long before that broken night. I wasn't good enough for him. He didn't want me anymore.
I didn't know what to think with Jacob. I knew he loved me and I knew Edward was never coming back. Eventually the love I had for him had brought, if not satisfaction/fulfillment?, at least contentment. Having been alone for so long now, I decided that that would have to be enough.
"So, Bella…. Are you, er, are you okay?" Jacob asked the next morning as he sat on the edge of his bed, staring at the paint peeling from the wall. I hadn't realized I'd been quiet for so long.
"Oh, um, yeah. Of course Jake. I don't want you to think… I mean… no, really, I'm okay." I smiled at him half-heartedly in encouragement. I had made my bed, and now I would lay? in it. For the rest of my life it seemed.
"Last night was….nice," I managed to spit out finally. The words tasted sour on my tongue.
Jacob smiled and laughed, clearly comforted. "Must have been a little more than nice, I heard you so loudly I thought I was hurting you," he laughed, reaching out to tousle my hair.
Funny, I had thought that was him. I hadn't made one sound; I'd been trying too hard not to sob.
He noticed the change on my face but didn't say anything.
"I should probably get going. Charlie is only okay with me staying here because he doesn't know I , er, stayed here." I muttered.
Jake just laughed. "Yeah, I'm betting he wouldn't like me quite so much as he does now".
I had to smile at that. Charlie had been decidedly Team Jacob for awhile now.
"So, I don't mean to be pushy or anything, Bells. But, what happens now? You know, I mean, with us? Does this mean, you know?" His eyes flitted to the ground nervously, not sure how to continue.
I turned to look at him, to really, really look at him; Jacob, my best friend. He had been a life saver, literally, in more ways than one. He'd been there to pick up the pieces after – I had to cut off the thought.
Could I really admit that this was my life? Could I really give up hope on my last hope of his return? Was he really gone forever? Of course he is, I swore at myself. He had made that perfectly clear.
I had to do this, I thought to myself. There was no other way. I loved Jacob, no matter that it wasn't enough. And he was good for me; safe, protective. I would want for nothing, well, almost nothing.
I stared at him another minute, driving him absolutely crazy I'm sure, and then I had my mind made up. I would do this. I would let it happen. I might never again feel the love of a soul mate, but couldn't I at least feel loved and wanted? And Jake would get what he'd always wanted. It didn't seem so bad.
I drew in a ragged breath and exhaled slowly.
"No, Jake. I think… I think last night was….. good. I, I think….." I took another deep breath, " I think that maybe, you know, maybe we could try. Try to be together," I stopped, cringing slightly as I swallowed the growing lump in my throat.
I lifted my eyes and saw the biggest smile I'd ever seen break across his face. He crossed the room and picked me up in a bear hug in one fluid movement. "Bella, I promise you. I will always be here for you. I will never leave you. You're my best friend. I know how hard all of this has been on you and I want you to know, well, I want you to know that I love you and I'm here,".
"Jake, you're crushing me!" I shrieked. He set me down laughing, and I found myself laughing too. It was so easy with Jake. Maybe this could really work. I could only hope.