A/N: Mmm, this is probably slightly more on the 'wrong' side of the fics I've posted. Just a quick oneshot I did awhile back and was unsure whether or not to post.
And I'm quite proud of myself for coming with the *ahem* puns in this, even if they are so cheesy and generic they've probably been seen many, many times before. Bioware owns all of these characters and I am very, very sorry for destroying them here.
Garrus stood in the elevator whilst his stomach did somersaults, he couldn't believe what he was about to do.
Relax, you've seen it in the vids, this is the normal human mating ritual.
Still, the custom made outfit he'd gotten on the citadel wasn't exactly comfortable. Is this really what security forces on earth used to wear? It seemed strange; humans had no natural plating and yet they allowed their enforcers to wander around unprotected. What was going to give them the upper edge against any criminals?
The hat Garrus was wearing kept slipping off his head, obviously not built for his fringe.
One more floor and he'd be up at the captain's cabin. He shifted his weight between the ball and heel of his feet.
Thank god no-one had gotten into the lift with him; he'd managed to lock it down whilst he used it as a makeshift changing room, unfortunately that hadn't been possible whilst it was moving.
Was it just him or was this elevator really hot?
Garrus stroked the piece of material on his upper lip which was supposed to emulate the facial hair which male humans sometimes grew: was it really as necessary as Joker had insisted?
The elevator doors suddenly flew open revealing Shepard's cabin which was empty. Garrus' heart sunk until he heard the gentle trickling of the shower. He placed the bag of his regular clothes in a discreet place in the corner.
Ah, she's probably getting ready.
Five minutes later she emerged, he expected her to be wearing nothing but a weird pair of lacy triangles (which covered those funny lumps that humans have) with a matching band of material around her hips and a silky robe thrown over the ensemble, just like in the vids. She didn't however; she was wearing her usual Cerberus issue black and white uniform looking slightly bemused at his appearance.
Maybe she just wasn't expecting him yet. Yeah, that was probably it.
"Garrus? What are you...?"
It was now or never.
He hit play on the music data pad and raunchy dance music came blaring out.
"Miss Shepard, I've been getting reports that you've been a very naughty girl. I've come to take you in."
Shepard folded her arms.
Oh crap, maybe that didn't work. Think, what else had the cop on the video said?
"I'm afraid I may have to interrogate you, and I'll warn you now, my methods are very probing."
Garrus' hat fell off of his head.
Shepard leaned against her desk, raising her eyebrows at him suggestively and still saying nothing.
"And I'm the only good cop. I'd hate to have to introduce you to the bad one sweetheart; he has the long arm of the law freely at his disposal."
A flicker of a smile appeared on Shepard's face. It was working.
It was now or never: This was the move which the man in the video had used, the move which had made the woman simper over him and take off her clothes. The one which Joker had assured him always worked, the final push, the failsafe.
Garrus threw his hands behind his head and started pumping his groin in time with the music.
Shepard placed her hand over her mouth, but he could tell from her eyes that she was still smiling. Now all he had to do was what he had practiced so many times in private with the door locked in the main battery.
Well he was supposed to start with the hat, placing it on her head, but since it was on the floor...
"Shepard," he whispered urgently "would you mind putting the hat on your head."
"Or what Officer?" Her voice was seductive and coaxing, just like the girls in the vids "Are you going to arrest me?"
"Uh no..." He racked his brains desperately. "But I may be forced to... tie you up, right here and now. Few lonely housewives can resist my method of getting information, Miss Shepard."
"Oh no," Shepard now sounded exactly like one of the girls. "I suppose I will now have to tell you where my criminal boyfriend went, leaving me all alone here with nobody to satisfy my needs..."
Shepard stood up and started snaking her way towards him.
"...but I'm going to need a little something from you first."
It came to him in a flash of inspiration.
"Oh, I've got something for you alright, but I wouldn't go around describing it as little..."
Shepard smiled foxily at this. She reached him, placing a hand on his waist, edged her face slowly closer and closer to his...
"Tell me Garrus, were you like this with everyone you arrested on the Citadel? Or was it just the pretty ones?"
She pulled away.
"This whole thing, it never worked did it?"
"Nope."
"And you just stood there and let it happen, didn't you?"
"Hey, it's your own damn fault for listening to Joker."
"And how did you know it was him?"
"He's probably about the only person I know who could sit through porn this terrible. Trust me, I caught the guy watching a Volus-Hanar-Asari threesome the other day; if you can sit through that, you can sit through this."
"Oh."
There was an awkward silence.
"I've really screwed things up here, haven't I?"
"Not necessarily..." Shepard walked over to her closet and pulled out a few items of clothing. "Kelly bought me this for my birthday, never thought I'd need it up until now."
She held it up. It was a mini skirt made of black shiny material and a navy shirt which was cropped at the waist, complete with a tie and badge which matched the ones he was currently wearing. She leant down and scooped his hat off of the floor, placing it lopsidedly on her head.
"I'll meet you in the main battery in half an hour Vakarian, and I hope to god you don't you anything naughty in that space of time. Else I will have to really punish you..."
She shoved him back into the lift cackling, conveniently 'forgetting' to give him his regular clothes back.
Sometimes Garrus wished he'd stayed on Omega.
Elsewhere on the ship...
"Please tell me you got that EDI."
"It's not exactly encouraging to discover that even in the face of danger you are striving to annoy your fellow crew mates, but yes Jeff, I did."
The video popped up to reveal Garrus pumping his pelvis.
"Excellent, if we survive this it will make an absolute killing on the extranet..."