So, ive previously written stories on other fan fiction sites but lately ive kind of lost my muse, ive found it hard to get inspiration from anything, ive not watched or read anything inspirational and since ive been on break from school ive had this urge to write after reading the amazing stories on this site but haven't had any ideas come to mind, I kind of started typing bits of pieces one night and have now placed it together (I would like to say wrapped in a pretty red bow but I doubt it's that good) so have a read & review if you're up to it and hopefully I get into the hang of writing again.
Prologue.
Summary: "There are only two people in a marriage, Haley, and half the time I felt like I was that third person –"
"Don't say that, don't make it seem like this marriage has been horrible for the last four years."
"But it has been since Clair died." Nathan said softly.
He watched her from a distance, he noticed the way her smile didn't actually reach her eyes when accepting a drink from her best friend, taking one lengthy sip from the alcoholic cocktail in her hand, he wondered why no one around her could pick up on her unhappiness & grief. Why he couldn't see the state she was in until now. It was only when he was sitting meters away from her with his brother that he found himself in a daze, noticing tiny factors here and there – he wondered why he never saw it before. Maybe he just didn't want to see it.
Her friends also seemed oblivious to the fact that she would rather be anywhere but here. She had perfected and crafted her fake smile flawlessly like an actress on the big screen; to anyone but him it seemed genuine, but he knew better. He knew her better, or so he thought.
She gave permission for her best friend Brooke Davis to dress her up in a short yet modest one shoulder black dress, her long blonde hair was curled & pulled to the side, her makeup dark and Smokey, just like he liked – she looked amazing & like any other late 20 something year old in the club that had the world at their feet, she looked happy and young & carefree - yet that smile he fell in love with hardly ever graced her features.
He felt his heart clench and his stomach drop in realization as he and Lucas made their way over to their group of friends, a group of friends who he had known since high school. They had all remained tight-knit to compensate to the lack of parenting they all had growing up whilst younger.
She was not happy. She wasn't improving from the depression they were trying to battle these horrendous couple of months, something had triggered her recovery. Something was bothering her, something that she had bottled up and dug deep inside her who had been slowly eating away at her with each passing second of the day, something he hoped wasn't her questioning their marriage and family.
He hesitantly placed both hands over her bare shoulders, giving her an affectionate squeeze, pulling her out of her day-dream as their eyes meet. She sent him a small smile that barely stretched over her gloomy expression; he slowly bent down and gave her a soft kiss below her ear before leaning up and whispering in her ear "want to go home?"
"Oh no way, Nate! You guys just got here like over an hour ago, it's not every day I turn 23, ya know?" Brooke spoke up with a grin, flashing her prominent dimples in the process, noticing Nathan intently watching his wife. Lucas recognized his little brother's sour mood and watched Nathan's eyes turn dark, his body tensing before his younger brother turned his attention back to his wife who instead of paying attention to her best friend and husband bickering was determined to finish her alcoholic beverage, slamming the glass down onto the bar when effectively swallowing the harsh contents of her glass.
"Brooke, I know your trying to help-"Lucas sighed at the fight that was about to come.
"It's all about you, Brooke." Nathan muttered, rubbing his hand over his face. He needed to talk to his wife, he had a feeling at the pit of his stomach that things were about to go downhill somehow if he didn't confront his wife head on about what was upsetting her lately; he had been ignoring it for too long and seeing Haley in such a state tonight had shaken him up, he thought things were slowly getting better- they had even gotten closer gradually but things weren't as they seemed, Nathan assumed.
This couldn't be happening again. Not after everything they had been trying to re-build, the foundation of their marriage depended on it.
"Im fine." Haley said quietly, yet still loud enough to be heard over the music.
She wasn't.
She had gotten so used to the lies rolling off her tongue that after a while it was almost like she was on auto pilot, giving answers to her friends & family answers she knew they would want to hear rather that the bitter truth burning its way past her throat every time she uttered another lie about how she was coping.
"See, she's fine." Brooke smiled waving a hand at her friend, thanking chase when he placed another round of shots near the group.
They all went back to their usual activities, Brooke ignoring Nathan's death glare, Nathan took a seat at the bar on a stool near his wife and intently watched her, something about her was different and he couldn't quite place his finger on it, of course she had been threw an emotional rollercoaster these past few months but the anxious look on her face resembled one of anyone who was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
He watched as her phone lit up from against the dark and barely there lighting of the club from its place on the bar near her black clutch purse beside Brooke's. She took a small glance at the ringing phone that had lit up before looking to her husband who was looking at her questioningly, smiling at him tightly before looking back down to her phone and rejecting the call with a light tap on her iphones screen.
"Who was it?" he asked, leaning in so she could hear him over the loud music. She breathed heavily, looking from the phone and back to her husband's usually intense eyes that were now filled with curiosity and worry.
Her eyes didn't remain connected to his for long.
"No one, just Owen." Haley said, Nathan slowly nodded looking from the phone that was once again ringing and back to his wife that looked on the verge of tears.
"Owen, I should have known." Nathan sighed, averting his gaze to his surroundings; wishing that he could be like any other normal 25 year old dealing with whatever it is that they dealt with other than the heavy stuff he seemed to be dealing with lately. "How could I think otherwise?"
Haley tensed slightly at her husband's terminology, her eyes darting around the room swiftly to avoid the tears welling in her eyes from gliding down her check, before falling back onto her husband's edgy structure, if it wasn't for Brooke's voice breaking her concentration she was sure she could stare at her husband forever, despite his obvious anger towards her at this very moment.
"Haley, despite what I said earlier, you can leave if you're not feeling up to all of this. I would totally understand." Brooke sent Haley a comforting smile noticing the strain and awkwardness between husband and wife who were both avoiding each other's gaze's, placing a hand on her friend's bare shoulder, rubbing it slowly up and down her friends arm to express her support.
"Are you sure?" Haley frowned slightly, trying to ignore the tension currently between her and her husband.
"absolutely." Brooke promised. "Beside's we did spend the day together after all, that was the most important part of my day, and of course the shopping spree you took me on did work in your favor. Of course I would love for you guys to stay but I don't want you being miserable just for me –"
"Im not miserable." Haley defended slightly, catching Nathan's eye who looked to be on the verge of either breaking down or slamming a stool across the bar – either wouldn't be too good in a crowded club.
"Look, let Nathan take you home and take the night off just the two of you." Brooke grinned, glancing at Nathan momentarily who looked a million miles away. "Nate?"
"Yeah?"
"Take hales home, Lydia's taking care of Jamie right?"
"She is." Haley spoke up before looking at Nathan. "Maybe we should head home, we both need it."
"fine." He sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets as Haley got up from her seat, collecting her purse and phone before turning to Brooke and Lucas, who had cut his conversation short with one of Brooke's childhood friends, turning to his close friend and little brother.
"You guys heading off already?" Lucas asked, placing his glass down onto the bar before wrapping an arm around his wife's shoulders.
"Yeah, Thanks for everything." Haley smiled softly, embracing both her friends in a quick hug.
"Im glad you came."
"Even for only an hour?"
"Best hour ever." Brooke promised with a giggle, cuddling deeper into Lucas's side. Haley suddenly felt envious of the close relationship that Brooke and Lucas shared, resembling something that she and Nathan once had, before she screwed it all up. Nathan barely even held her hand as they made their way out of the loud club and outside into the cold, deadly quiet car park – the music and loud chatter of those inside becoming a distant blur as they quietly made their way to their car. He had to have known that his world was about to fall apart.
"Are we going to talk about this?" Nathan asked quietly once they had made their way inside their home – one that could only be affordable with a paycheck of a now retired NBA player. She had washed and moisturized her skin after wiping away her makeup and rubbing away the mascara covering her thick lashes, throwing her long blonde locks into a messy bun on top of her head before slipping into a pair of loose pajama pants and one of Nathan's old grey t-shirts before stepping out of their bathroom to find him sitting at the end of their bed, his shoes and outfit from earlier were still on him, which meant they weren't going anywhere until Nathan got to the bottom of what was bothering her.
"Talk about what, Nathan?" she asked quietly, making her way over towards him, wrapping her arms around her stomach in fear of what could possibly become of their marriage in a few short moments, she knew what he wanted to talk about. Of course she hadn't exactly been herself ever since the death Clair; but these past few weeks had been different on a whole other stage, even she wasn't that good with concealing the anxiety and fear of the newest revelations that were eating at her day by day.
"Im tired, Haley." He admitted and Haley knew it wasn't the type of tired that could be cured with sleeping, he was tired of her and what she had been putting him threw lately. "Please ... please just tell me what's going on. I can't deal with anymore lies or.. Or whatever you're hiding. I know something's going on, okay. I just need you to tell me because I don't know how much longer this marriage can last with all these secrets and you hiding all your emotions and feelings away from me."
"Before uh I say anything, I just want you to know how much I love you – "Haley whispered tearfully, glancing towards the floor momentarily, pursing her lips together to help stop the trembling of her lower lip and the tears threatening to fall.
"This isn't making me feel any better Haley."
"Owen kissed me." She blurted quietly, cringing inside at the thought of Nathan's reaction.
"OWEN! He kissed you?" Nathan frowned; using his arms to push himself off the bed and then began pacing up and down the length of their bedroom. "Did you let him? Did you fucking kiss him back!" Haley flinched at the bitter tone of his voice.
"ANSWER ME HALEY!"
"Yes." She said quietly threw her tears, not even bothering to conceal or try to stop her tears now.
"Haley, did you fucking kiss him back!" watching her slowly nod as she used the back of her hand to wipe away her tears that kept resurfacing the minute she wiped them away. "Why am I not surprised? When did this happen?"
"I don't know ... a few ... a few weeks ago?"
"Why didn't you tell me? You know, there wasn't a day where I wish you could turn to me like you went to Owen every time you were upset or angry or –"
"Don't make this out into something it's not, Nathan. Okay, it was a mistake." Haley cried, latching onto his wrist and begging him to make eye contact with her. He couldn't even stand to look at her. "I was vulnerable and I was upset, I was hurting so bad-"
"I was fucking hurting too!" Nathan said tearfully, he felt his whole body shaking with anger and grief and he had no idea how to stop the anger coursing through his veins and attempting to blast out of him. "But I waited for you. I wanted you to be the person I open up to or cry with and share whatever I was feeling with. But little did I know you already had someone to do all that with, you had someone to mourn with and that was Owen."
"He's my best friend, okay? That's all there is to it, I love you. You are more important than anything that happened -"she watched him walk over to their walk in wardrobe and grab a sports bag from the bottom shelf where all his shoes were lined up, a sick feeling forming at the pit of her stomach.
"How come you didn't stop seeing him then? You said the kiss happened weeks ago but yet I know you were over at Owen's at least a few times 2 weeks ago and after you two had lunch the other day you've been avoiding him like the plague. There's more isn't there?" Nathan frowned, dread filling his insides. What if she slept with him? What about their marriage? What about Jamie? "This is all so fucked up. I can't believe this is happening, after all we've been threw now we have this crap to deal with?"
"Im so sorry, Nathan." She cried, placing a hand on her forehead. "you have to forgive me, I cant loose you too."
"What else?"
"He said he loves me. That he's in love with me." She sobbed out loud when she watched him walk out of their cupboard with the look of absolute defeat spread out on his face, watching him angrily use his left arm to sweep across their tall boy cupboard filled with frames of happier times – watching them all fly off the maple colored wood and smashing and cracking into a million pieces against their bedroom floor. The broken pieces resembling their life almost.
"What fucking nerve .. After all we've been through, that we are still going through how can he just say that to you? Did you say you love him back, Haley? Did you fuck him too? Because that will just be the icing on the fucking cake!"
"No of course not, Nathan. Of course I didn't sleep with him. I love you and I would never –"
"Never what, Haley? Never jeopardize that? Because you already have!"
She watched him walk back into their walk in wardrobe, following him and watching as he began throwing in a few shirts and jeans into a sports bag, feeling sick at the thought of never seeing him again over something so stupid and meaningless, she watched him step out of their closet and walk past her as she stood helplessly near the door way, watching as he walked into the bedroom and dropped his bag onto the floor near the bed before attempting to move over to his side of the bed to access his valuables in his side table, her hand gripped his wrist stopping him from moving, her touch making his skin ice cold and tense when before it used to comfort and warm him. The action hurt Haley more than she cared to explain.
"You can't leave me." Haley pleaded tearfully, dropping to her knees in front of him, her hands gripping his tightly – trying to meet his eyes with her pleading orbs. He tried to pull his hands away from her but she just held tighter, blinking continuously to clear her tears that were clouding her vision of her husband.
"I don't know what I would do. I wouldn't be able to live without you, Nathan. I cannot lose you as well. You have to know how much I love you, how you're my whole world."
Nathan looked away, avoiding her eyes and the desperation shinning threw, before speaking up coldly "Like how you loved me or thought of me as your whole world when you were kissing him-"
"It's not like that, okay? Everything's so screwed up. I ruined everything." She said in a weak tone. Her heart burned and she felt nauseous at the thought of something ruining the foundation she had built with Nathan, she knew she hadn't exactly helped in maintaining their marriage but they were both suffering threw a major loss. "Im not me."
"I can't believe this." Nathan spoke up, roughly pulling his hands out of his wife's tight hold and began walking to the end of their bed, dropping onto it tiredly and resting his elbows on his knees before burying his head in his hands, leaving Haley sobbing quietly from her spot across from him on the floor. He wished he didn't live to see this day and to feel this pain. It was all coming to an end and maybe it should have happened sooner rather than later, then maybe he wouldn't be feeling this constant stab in his heart.
"Please don't leave. Just let me explain." She spoke threw her tears; her eyes were swollen and red with dark rings under her eyes – her appearance the result of heartache.
He lifted his head up from his hands, his own eyes red with tears threatening to fall, he sighed deeply before taking a long look at his wife of four years.
"He kissed you and you let him, what else is there to say?"
"It didn't mean anything." She cried desperately, moving towards him as he looked back down at his hands, ignoring her from her spot on the floor as she tried to grab a hold of his hands again. He didn't let her, as if the thought of her touching him made him sick. It was ironic how for months he wished his wife would reach out and hold him and now that she was, he wished for nothing more than for her to stop – it hurt too much.
"He kissed you, and for months you went to him when you needed to talk to someone, you shut me out of your life for months, Haley. And now, I find out this has been going on behind my back, how do you think this makes me feel? I thought you loved me-
"I DO!"
"Then why aren't we the way we used to be Haley? Why didn't you come to me when you needed someone to talk to? Why him? Did you really want to hurt me that badly?"
"Don't do this." Haley pleaded, rubbing a hand over her face.
"We aren't the people we were when we got married. It's as simple as that." Nathan stated quietly, in such a low tone that Haley wasn't even sure she heard right.
"Please just give me a chance. I'll get better; I'll talk to you and... And I promise things will be like they were before-"
"When Clair died-"Nathan began, pausing at the how heavy his heart felt at the mention of her name, the uncontrollable need to scream out in frustration and sadness overcoming him, he felt like slamming his fists into a wall repeatedly to feel anything other than the pain of loss. "You told him first, you ... he was with you when you were in labor. When they said she died, you wanted him in there with you while I waited outside in that cold and lonely hallway like a fucking stranger. Do you know how much that hurt me? That I couldn't be in that hospital room with you? I felt like a useless piece of garbage, I felt worthless and like my feelings didn't matter at all. You chose him over me, more than once, Haley. And I acted I kept letting you get away with it using everything we've been threw as an explanation to your behavior towards me, I blamed myself those nights you wouldn't even let me into our god damn bedroom. It's not only that you kissed that hurts, you've been cheating on me –"
"It was only once, Nathan and it was only a kiss, one kiss for that matter"
"You've been emotionally cheating on me for months, Haley." He said tearfully as she began denying his accusations instantly, "im your husband, you weren't there when I had to bury our daughter alone, you think that wasn't hard on me? I needed you... But –"
"I was hurting!" Haley cried, placing a hand on her forehead. She couldn't make the tears stop, how did she screw everything up so much? Everything was slipping away and so quickly at that and there was nothing that she could do to make it right.
"And I wasn't?"
"What do you want me to say to make you stay? I'll do anything, I promise."
"There are only two people in a marriage, Haley, and half the time I felt like I was that third person –"
"Don't say that, don't make it seem like this marriage has been horrible for the last four years."
"But it has been since Clair died." Nathan said softly. "It's not your fault-"
"It is, okay. It's my fault. Please don't give up on me Nathan." She cried gripping onto his arms. "Please. Just don't give up. What about Jamie? What about me? I need you. We need you, ive already lost Clair. I don't want to lose you too, everything's changing so quickly." She sobbed heavily, her cries felt like torture to Nathans ears as he hesitantly placed a hand on her cheek.
"I need some time, okay." He sighed. "I wish things could be different but I just feel like things keep going in circles and nothings getting better, Haley. Im unhappy, you're unhappy –"
"please." Haley sobbed pleadingly, placing a hand over his on her cheek and squeezing it tightly. "I cant do this without you."
"I need to calm down, I can't do it with you here, not when all I can picture is him touching you or kissing you."
"what about Jamie? Everything's changing so quickly for him, he won't understand. He's still a baby –"
"Jamie has been my priority for months, while you were off with Owen I was the one taking care of him and explaining why his mommy wasn't there to tuck him in and read him a bedtime story so don't use Jamie as a way of blackmailing me to staying. You've put me through hell, Haley. I can't live like this anymore. Jamie deserves more."
He picked up his bag, leaving a sobbing Haley on the floor of their bedroom while avoiding the stabbing pain in his chest as he drove off into the blackness of the sky, not noticing the piercing bright lights of a truck coming towards him from his right as tears filed his eyes everything was suddenly harder to see but then the sounds of screeching tires filled his ears and then suddenly everything was black.