1.
If everything was so simple that people share their difficulties and problems, I wouldn't be here, although maybe then either, if we would be able to be honest with each other, or to forgive. To forget.
Nothing changes the facts though, they are still there in their cruel being, and whenever they get in front of us, their mere existence can tear up our wounds like glowing steel, even though those stitches which were built up by our long years' hard and exhausting work. It's so easy to tear up those stitches, only a blink, a simple meeting, a voice is enough.
But to build up the walls again, close our thoughts inside and deny our feelings from ourselves, realizing how many illusions were holding us in their palm of hands? Who can do this that easily? No books or teaches are about this, each and every human must to get through on it by themselves, they say. To get through like booking, counting the wounds on our souls, estimate the damage and the probably never reachable healing? Then we get the final numbers, with our signature we give acceptance of the events around us, and put the booking away on a deep shelf in our heart, where we will never open it again.
Everyone thinks how it goes is perfectly approved and how it should be, the feeling of betrayal and longing will soon pass, and it won't be anything else, just a painful memory. A spot, a picture, a flash, nevertheless will remain to tell more than thousands of novels and poems, or paintings. I have hundreds of them in my galleries, in my libraries, still nothing can be compared to the sight and the voices I see and listen to in my head, in the nights. His face, his eyes, his hair, his look burnt into me every time he held his eyesight on me. To tell where I ruined everything or what I should have done instead of my decisions? No one under this sky can change on the current situations, but maybe everything goes on as it has to. In the end, the distance could have a major role to help in the scaling, however that hurt the most.
All the way down to be on his side, watching his actions and his early efforts to attempt his power, I would have loved to live these again myself too… and every time when he looked up on me proudly, and me smiling contently made him to feel the success. The worst is if you wished there was some kind of a connection, a bond between you, and when you finally believed you could make it, the life gave you a bitter and painful confutation. Anytime you thought you are on the same wave and it can stay like that.. These worth something to the other… mentioning he liked the time he had spent in your company but then after all…
Sometimes I find myself watching the sparrows on the pavement. They catch up to the sky when someone gets close to them, then after a couple of minutes they land calmly and do as they did before. I would like to ease that simply, or find my peace. These times I try to close out the sounds of the surrounding world of my head and just looking at it as it is in it's pure self. Cold. Detached. Everything seems to shine and when I enter a place I can see only the service… but the price they ask for is often too much.
I could mean this on the money I killed in his help, the time I spent in his company, on the energy I invested on him. On my thoughts which I planned his progress, I could mean it on the meetings with my superior when just to defend and to protect him, I came to heel like a dog. He would owe me a lot of things if I wrote it down and give it in. Nights, which I spent with him to keep his dream peaceful, mornings when I made breakfast for him, I taught him to behave and control himself… mostly. He could not even handle himself back then.
On the other hand, I would lie, it would be a gross error to claim I sorry all my invested… life.
Even when I had found him on the fields, I was struggling inside, hoping inside, he would be, just a small little piece of him… belong to me. Just for a small, precious time, to stay with me, however it hung in the air how fast he will grow up, and then… he didn't even sense how much for he could be grateful to me.
And I'm here again, gazing the trees, feeling the touch of the caressing wind on my cheeks, watching the graceful fall of the colored leaves, the soaring birds in the air. Surrounds, still my being misses from it. Futilely I took deep breath, opening my eyes, and vainly I feel how the frozen air fills my lungs. From there, from my deepest parts, the space pierces me inside.
Everything happened so suddenly, didn't even mean anything that I had known about it… I have never wanted to believe he will actually do it. To me? Why especially to me? But if… if for him that meant advance and obviously it meant… then I have no reason to feel sorrow.
Every closed place I have to be in with him is poisoned and sweet in the same time. I hate when I have to raise my eyes on him, if I have to call his name, and even if I manage to overcome this in myself, he always does something to break his small strain of confidence in me. Like… like he knew everything.
I prefer not to think on this bothersome topic.
The cell phone rings again, and the servant is standing on the edge of the pavement for around ten minutes. I must go there. I must be there.